The words I couldn't say.

Dear Mister,

The only words I could verbalize were "Hush, I'm praying" and "I love you."

The words I couldn't say are going to be written here for you. I don't know if I should be writing to you, speaking to you, or thinking of you right now but I will think of you, and I will write to you until this is all over. Unless God tells me other wise. However, just to clarify, this is the only thing you will read that is directly written to you. This what I wanted to say last night. Its what I couldn't say last night. Its me. The real me. 100% of me. Wholly broken and completely lost.

So, "I'm sorry I was mute." I knew if I spoke, or thought, or took a single breath I'd break down. I'm so tired of breaking down. This is really hard. I know it's hard for you too otherwise we wouldn't have fought God for so long. I'm hurting, but I'm okay. Honesty, I don't know why I'm crying right now because I'm really fine. I believe our promises. God's promises. I don't understand why I'm so.. unbalanced. My thoughts are swirling around my mind so fast that I can't pin any thought down or make it clear enough to think much less say. When you first told me what you want to do because ultimately, it's the right thing to do, its honoring God and its doing His will for your life right now... I relented. I knew what you spoke was truth. And I won't fight you. I can't fight you. Who am I anyway, to ask you to do something you do not want to do? I didn't know how to say any of that to you then, because even more, I knew that it didn't matter in the end. You were going to follow God, let me go, and fly. So, I relented. I hope you accept my silence for what it was.

"I'm sorry I pushed you away." I couldn't think of letting you hold me. Comfort me. Encourage me. When all that was going to happen next was that you'd let go. I'm sorry I wasn't thinking of you. I'm sorry I'm still thinking that. Its selfish.

"I'm sorry I ignored God." I've known since God first said in November that we needed to honor all the rules. I honestly did try. I did do it. But I stopped. I didn't like it. I knew I was going to grow. I knew God was wanting to teach me. But I didn't know how to love you from afar. To be patient in EVERY way. I was selfish. I 'needed' you. I wanted to have as much as you as I could even though God wanted my attention and He wanted yours. I hindered you. I hindered me. I realize that I was keeping God from giving us everything we need for our future together. And I'm sorry.

"Run, baby, run." Even though that song is written from God to you.. those words are from me to you for right now. I will not hinder you any longer. I will not keep you tied down. I will not keep you from growing to who God wants you to be. To who you want to be. To who you are born to be. We'll have our time, I know we will. So I say to you.. run. Run as hard and as fast as you can. Until you see God. Until you encounter His glory. Until you learn everything He wants for you and everything you've missed while we were talking. Run.

"I'm praying for you." I always will. I'll never stop. Every night. Every morning. You'll be in my prayers. For your strength. For your endurance. For you to not miss me. For you to grow. For you to be safe. For you to accept. For your future. For your plans. For your hopes. For your dreams. For your clarity. For your health. For your thoughts. For your actions. For your desires to be holy. For you to hear from Him. For you to understand Him.

Mister, I'm okay. I'm letting go. I'm letting God. Right now its hard and it hurts. But I know part of it's because I didn't listen to God. Because I messed up. Because I missed out on God. Because I had you mess up and miss out too. Because I know it might be harder than it would have been before because I didn't accept what God wanted and I grew closer with you. Sigh.. I just have to take each day at a time. And I will. Starting it out with God and letting Him hold me.

I love you. That will never change. My promise is sure. That will not change. At the end of this.. We'll be stronger because we're letting God change us now. I know it.

So, run baby. Run and grow.