About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


I'm not hurting you.

One more thing that life could throw on top of me and I know it: I'll fall off of the fine wire I am balancing on.

I can honestly say I have successfully turned my brain off for the past two weeks. So much stuff has happened and the one thing that has remained constant is God's blessings for my mission trip this summer. Throughout everything going on- not hearing or feeling God near me, the feeling of losing my best friend through our breakup, my sister losing her memory of me (its back, but not all of it), being late to work every day even though I've left on time or early, being billed and having it surprise me because I was told I did not have a copay (no matter what they say, one nurse told me I did not have one!), and then proceeding to break down in tears at the doctors office because one other nurse felt I was giving attitude because I had not previously taken time to understand my insurance.. *hint hint* therefore I was "justly" reminded I'm in the big world now and I have to pay bills.

There is no romance book right now that can successfully take me out of this reality and place me into another without being reminded of everything I once felt. There is no movie right now where a heroine (not the drug) who overcomes everything thrown at her and sees the positive in a most negative enemy, that can make me forget how human I am for not overcoming the emotions I am feeling. There is no blog that can anyone could write that will make me doubt they are not feeling like an avalanche is crumbling on top of them, at all of the things going on.

Thing after thing after thing..

I've been wanting to write for a while- but I have not felt the motivation to. I still don't as I am sitting here. But I need these thoughts out of my head!

I do not know what to do or say when it comes to my best friend and I breaking up. I am thrown up against a wall it seems. I did not feel the same things from God as he did- all I feel now and throughout the past six months was doubt that I deserved being placed or choosing a relationship where he could not promise anything. Choosing to be in a "maybe" relationship is hard on a heart- any heart- no matter how you look at it. He's been gone for one week- we have not talked for almost three; although last I heard he wanted to talk. I don't know if I can talk, if I should talk, what will happen if we do talk, what will i say, what should I say, should I say anything, can we even talk without arguing, should we talk without arguing? The reason he broke up with me, there is no room for me to argue, for me to even be angry or upset. Yet I desperately so want to. I am upset, I am angry. I am hurt.

The only thing God has told me is that HE is not hurting me. God is not hurting me. He is not out to hurt me. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So, there I go. God's not hurting me- yet I am hurt. What do i do with my hurt? Hah.. praise Him in the storm. I have all the answers already- I just want the answers to be enough to make my pain go away.

With my sister- we've been having issues for a while. Her trusting me- me trusting her. With her memory loss, it's even harder. She is irritated and I cannot say or do anything out of line or it'll hurt her. Then I'll have more than I can handle on me. So I'm stressing out treading on egg shells trying not to break too many. She came to me the other night and hugged me because she doesn't want to have issues. So far- she's the only person who has hugged me to make it better and it worked.

Work and bills and being in the big world.. man. I've been in it for two years now. When I move to Texas- I'll really be in it. So everyone just accept I know somewhat of what I am doing so don't hate me when I stumble or I'm frustrated that "life happens" and I don't like it. I'll deal with it because, guess what, yeah, I am a big girl. I work. I make money. I pay for my cell phone bill. Everything for my car. My medicine. My Dr bills. Just because the Dr Office did not tell me it would take almost 3 months until I had to pay them and then they suddenly bill me and get on my case for not understanding my insurance.. I should stand there and not let just a little bit of my frustration show? Yeah, not gonna happen. Stupid adults who think I'm not capable of having an adult conversation: which means I'm understanding and I still do what I need to but the other party allows me to express my distaste for how the insurance runs and how the doctors did not FULLY inform me of how they work.

I do that better at my job.

Now about moving- gosh it scares me so much. I haven't told anyone this because the one I want to tell doesn't want to listen. When I move out- I doubt I'll move back home. I'm fully out. I cannot come home to mom and have her help me with my issues. I cannot come home and not have to pay rent. I cannot come home and go right to bed because I'll have home work from being at school full time while working full time. I am so scared. Questions of can I handle it, should I do it, what if things get better up here and I move and I miss out on real growth in the areas above, what if I mess up to much down there, what if I get a mean boss,  what will I tell me boss up here, what if I cannot find a job, what if I fail school..? But I'm forcing these questions out of my mind. I've been deliberately not thinking of them because then I won't move. I won't get out of Maryland. I won't go to school. I won't make a life. I won't grow in the opportunity that God has in front of me.

But up first is Ecuador. I'm leaving the country in 41 days. For a month. By myself. God had three different people tell me to leave the country on a mission trip. Actually two people- one told me twice. So I decided. I took my step of faith and I applied. I started raising funds. And now I am 450$ and a domestic plane ticket  away from leaving. It is so close and I am so excited about this. It cannot come soon enough and yet I am patiently waiting because there is SO much to do until I leave. I have lists I have to make, shots to get, things to buy, and a suitcase to fill. But I am going. And I cannot go soon enough.

So here I am. Laying on my couch with my dogs because they listen and don't argue their point back, they cuddle and don't tell me i'm young and clueless about life, they care and don't change their mind, they love and it is physically here and not just words.

So, I'll get up and go to work tonight. Shut off my mind to my pain right now. I'll busy myself and hope that I am open to God's voice throughout blocking out everything else. I calm myself and hope that I'm not doing the wrong thing in just breathing instead of breathing the extra mile too. I'll do my devotion, i'll go to church, I'll write a skit for my middle schoolers, I'll take it a day at a time.. but sometimes I feel it is too late. I've done something wrong too much and too often; so I don't trust myself to it right.

I have a huge playlist of my heart too: take a listen and you'll hear what I feel. I have a feeling there is another song out there that needs to be on this list- but I haven't hear it yet.

Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
Behind these hazel eyes- Kelly Clarkson
Safe- Britt Nicole
Which to busy us or the hatchet-  Relient K
Texas Angel - Honeybrowne
Unbroken- Demi Lovato
I wont give up on us- Jason Mraz



April, 20th, 2012

That is what my life has been for the past few months. Complete hysteria. I have been blessed immensely- don't get me wrong, but everything that could go wrong has seemingly gone wrong in the midst of God's blessings in my life. I have grown in many, many ways.. I have become more of who I need to be in my own identity, I have gotten out of my own shoes more and into Jesus', and I have accepted some things that I normally would not have accepted because I did not think I could handle it.

I still don't think I can handle it; I am walking on a thin wire now as it is.

This week so much has happened. I don't see myself making it through the weekend- but I have to. I have to take one more step even though my muscles are screaming out for me to stop running. My heart is telling me to stop feeling but feeling and letting my emotions run their course is the only thing that will remind me that I am human and these feelings will grow my endurance. My mind is telling me to stop thinking, but I have to keep thinking, dwelling, pondering.. because that is the only thing that will challenge me to see the impossible and believe the improbable. But its so hard. I cannot go robotic 100% of the time, yet I find myself robotic until I am all alone and able to express my thoughts and feelings completely without hurting my sister, my mom or any of my friends because of my decisions and my thoughts and my desires! Yet- this numbness feeling watching my sister forget me, my best friend fall away, my girl friend push me to embrace the suffering I am enduring, my mother deal with this pain of watching her daughter fight a fight that only she can face... Gosh, why in the world is this happening?

I have no answers. No solutions. No reasons. None.

I just keep walking- reminding myself to trust that God knows what is going on and that He has the outcome under control.



April 14th, 2012

Anxious and nauseous.

God says to not be anxious and I know that anxiety is what is causing my nausea.

Glance after glance toward my cell phone and no response. Two days. I should not feel this way after two days. God has everything in control. Why am I so anxious and hurt? Did I place my heart in a position to be broken again?

Yes. My answer is an unequivocal yes.

But I knew that this would take time. And would not change over night. So what are my next steps? What move am I supposed to make? Am I to sit here and "patiently" wait for him to come back around? To acknowledge me and my part in his life? Or am I to make myself known and persistently remind him to be a friend? Am I to put our friendship, our relationship, in that precarious place between falling apart permanently and a brokenness we have no clue how to even salvage through awkward conversation even I do not know how to have.

I don't know if he is truly too busy for me or if I am sensing "something" that could remind me of that time.

Either way, this anxiety, I am constantly casting back onto God but I still feel this anxiousness when I do not receive back a text of acknowledgement, of an "I love you too", of "I'm still here.." It reminds me of that time where he cut out communication because he was more comfortable with that than dealing with a relationship and communication.

No response.

How will life, our relationship, our friendship... last while I am in Texas?

God I am so scared.