About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.



My mother told me I was deathly shy and rarely spoke before age three. My oldest brother was playing with me one afternoon with a plastic cooking pot, trying playfully to get me to speak. It worked like magic! I began to converse among my family and they couldn’t get me to be quiet. Yet as soon as I walked out the front door of our home, I clammed up. I did not look anyone in the eye or utter a single noise. Whenever a stranger walked within ten feet of me, I let my hair fall over my face like a curtain and the collar of my shirt went into my mouth to give me a reason not to speak. All I wanted was to be invisible. It took a pivotal situation in life to determine whether I either stayed mute or spoke, ending my silence.
Although I had friends, I was never the one to take the lead. I never initiated conversations, hangouts or the friendship itself. Into my teenage years, I followed my friends, doing whatever they wanted to do, whenever they wanted to do it. Countless times I found myself over at my friend’s house helping with her homework at two, three in the morning. Her thoughts became my thoughts, her opinions were fact and her life was the best of the best… until I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Please don’t get me wrong; I had opinions, big dreams, ideas, comments, witty jokes, snarky jabs, wise and sometimes unwise answers, and I yearned to share all of them. But I was never one to spit out a random thought just to spark conversation. I stayed to myself, smiling timidly whenever a question was asked, pretending I had nothing to say.
I lived in my own mind, totally unconcerned about the social world around me. I had a lonely thought process, accepting and believing that no one cared. As I grew older, I found it easier to speak when I wrote. I believed, or rather I hoped, that no one took the time to read my writings, yet I craved to be heard, that someone cared enough to listen. I knew I could not “write” forever, I desired to speak; I had to speak.
After years of being a follower to a born leader, I was weary. I had been pushed to the limit of my faith, of my morals, of my own existence. I had followed my friend for years, down the same paths, doing the same things, and all to keep my silence because I was too scared to speak. And then I was blamed for being silent, for being shy, for being a follower. What I had to offer in our friendship was not enough, was my fault. So I spoke up. I voiced my opinion about our friendship and that was not enough either. I gave my friend an ultimatum. She either accepted me the way I was, or forget about our friendship. In her normal way of solving issues, she wanted to analyze, hash out and bend my thoughts back to her point of view so all would be right in her eyes. And I replied with silence.
We didn’t speak at all for two months. On the occasion that we did meet, our falling out was brought up and I was asked to do things her way. So all I could do was say “no” and continue my silence. Because of my silence and standing my ground, I realized my thoughts were valuable. She realized she had not respected me. For once in my life, silence was my voice and turned out to be the most crucial thing I could do for our friendship.


"All things work together for my good"

I haven't truly felt peace in a long time. I haven't truly been pushing myself academically. I haven't truly been diligent in my health. I haven't truly been wise with my spending. I haven't truly been cautious of my speed while driving. I haven't truly been working as hard as I used to. I haven't truly given my all. I haven't truly given up and let go of what I desire so I could have a holier desire. I haven't truly been serving God..

I've realized over the past two weeks that I've been only giving half heartedly of myself. I've been pathetic, I've been selfish, and I've been lazy.

And it's all because I haven't been truly serving God.

I know who I worship. God is the GOD of everything. Who am i to not worship Him? But worshiping and serving a two different things. Yet they cannot be separated. They are whole and together, yet totally unique and you have to choose to do either one. 

I've been recently doing a devotion on idols. It's a really great study if you want to look it up. It's written by Kelly Minter for women. "No other gods: confronting our modern day idols"

And this devotion, surprisingly has been applying to my life and pushing buttons in my walk, that I didn't know I had. Buttons I've placed there. Yeah, how that works, I have no idea. But anyway, this devotion is brining me to my knees and standing me up at the same time. It's tearing me down and giving me life. And really it's not the devotion, it's God using His word and this woman's personal experience to help me through my own desert.
It's truly amazing so far. I'm not sure how personal I'll get with you about it just yet, but one day I might post about something God shows me. Until then, just know I am being changed in such a way that I am exhilarated and peaceful and overflowing with joy. It's painful because I'm letting go of idols I've created. Out of good things, not of wood or clay or gold like back in the day with the Israelites. But of things I've placed before God, priority wise.

Throughout all this, I can see and feel already where my attitude has changed, where it should continue to change, where I have more peace, where I need more peace, where I have patience, where I need more patience. So many things!

I  have this song stuck in my head "And all things work together for my good.."


My good. Like, my good! That's flabbergasting to me right now. All things work together for MY good. ALL things. For my good. That's what God is saying. Everything. Waiting, deserts, chiseling, crying, laughing, working, money issues, health issues, speeding tickets (or warnings).. ALL of it is for my good.

I have plans, desires, hopes, and dreams. For example: I wouldn't think that this much waiting would work for my good. It's the exact opposite of what I want and how most relationships work.


It all works for my good. Wow! That is just amazing to me right now. I dunno.. I'm happy. I'm growing. I'm excited. I'm patient. I'm good. I'm really really good.. sigh.



"..Forty days have come and gone, the time is here at last. Glance behind, from where we've come, at everything that's passed. In only but a few short weeks, look how much we've grown. Now let the storm bring to life the deepest seeds we've sown.."



Lift my spirit:dayeight.

The best things that happened in the last year. (2010)

I stood up for my sister.

I gave/had my first kiss.

I gave my first promise intended with a future.

I went to prom.

I went to NYC on a mission trip.

I applied for college.

I got a job at CVS.

I bought Sammy Gunther.

I learned to dance.

I celebrated one year. 

I traveled alone. 

Can't Give Up.

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I would't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone, 
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me(so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me