About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


One, Big, Massive, Impassable, Impenetrable, Enigmatic, Bubble..

I don't even know..  I'm writing in this fictional tone and I can finally picture and tangibly see what I've been feeling now. Well, sort of. But then there is so much, this could probably just be only a portion of it and this "fictional prose" can be misunderstood and then my thoughts would only be proven as insane and attached. 

Which they are neither.

I am a woman. I speak. A lot. And in riddles.. especially to myself and I never am able to decipher what I mean. So how can expect you to understand? Anyone really.. so I don't.

It makes me slightly angry to know that God knows exactly how I feel and why I feel what I do.. and I don't. I want to not have annoying stupid thoughts, emotions, ideas, fears, doubts.  

I've been crazy emotional wreck. Instead of just little things, like a few months ago, everything sets me off into an uncontrollable (for me at least) anger. I have sympathy, to the point where, guess what, I sometimes become angry and spend the rest of the night crying because I feel I don't deserve sympathy. I know a billion other people who are going through much worse than just an emotional breakdown.

I feel completely selfish because this is what I've been dealing with lately and I don't know how to get control of myself so I can be selfless, be helpful, be wise, be bold, be brave, be happy.. without being so negative because of these emotions.

My blogs have become venting instead of the thoughts God has given me. 

I haven't had one positive conversation without a major doubt on my God and myself go through my mind. 

All I feel I do is complain about why I don't know why I am not positive with my days and I know if something doesn't change.. in me.. that it'll get old. I'll become stagnant and I'll be tossed out, ignored, like stale water left out at night. Maybe that is just a 'doubt' i mentioned..

I've been careless, a little, with my money and I'm stressing out on if I'll ever learn how to manage my money well.

But mainly, what has made me angry, and angry not just because its there, I could get over that. But because I am angry it is there and I'm angry with myself for being so angry. I'm not very forgiving of myself.. I give others second chance after chance that I've been walked on as a person because, partly, I couldn't stand up for myself but really because I needed to go the extra mile. But myself? Noo.. I rarely give myself a second chance. Honestly. I'm really hard on myself. 


I feel there is a bubble in front of me. A big static-y, living, breathing, bubble in front of my path. And I can't get through that bubble, around that bubble, or near that bubble without an enormous static-y flux of emotion in myself and or a strong brick barrier to keep me completely away until the bubble pops. I keep trying to run away, or at least be ale to stand firm, from the emotions the bubble launches towards me. Yet the bubble is also a spinning-out-of-control vortex and sucks me back towards it. I have no control as to where I go, except towards the bubble. I break bricks from hitting the wall because of the force that propels me towards it.

When I see this bubble in my minds eye, I see a fuzzy golden-yellow light in a ten/fifteen-foot-diameter, orb, half way in the ground, so it's unmovable. It's ten/fifteen feet wide, and ten/fifteen feet tall. I can semi-see around it to know what is on the other side, yet it's so fuzzy and full of unknowing, that I know I can't even comprehend what is over there.

See, the thing is, I know what is on the other side. I was given what was on the other side. I accepted it. Grew with it, even.

But the bubble was strategically placed, right there, in my way, right now. And I know it won't pop.. yet.

This bubble, as I've explained above, has placed me in a position where I can't physically walk away, yet I cannot physically move towards it. The thing is, I do not want to walk away, even if I could. I desire what is on the other side. But I know I have to be patient. But when something is ten feet away, can you really hear any sound it makes, any at all? Can you see it, even when if its blurry? Touch it, even with a long stick, can it reach through the forcefield that pushes you away?

No.. you cannot. It's difficult to love, live, or touch anything that is being placed behind an impenetrable bubble.

.. this is where I'm stuck. 

I want to worry about what's on the other side. But all I feel I'm capable of doing, literally doing and able to handle doing, is to just hope. Just trust. That it'll be okay and one day it'll be right again.

I don't know if I'm comforted knowing that it could be similar on the other side. I want it to be better. I want it to be nicer and easier and relaxing even, on the other side. I'd rather have it hard than knowing it was worse on the other side.

Thats the truth.

So.. after writing all this out. Spending days because I've been stuck as to how to write it out, figuring out if I want the world to know any of this.. I'm exhausted. I feel I've been selfish, ignorant,.. ect. But I'm wanting to change.. I just don't know how to move. I don't know how to stand. I don't know how to think right now.. God knows how I feel. He knows what I need and right now.. I just don't know why I can't see what I need. Why I could possibly be unwilling to see it.. I don't know my thoughts. But God does. Honestly, that is how I walk each day. Knowing, even though, I'm having such a difficult time breathing while the sky is falling, that He has it. 

But maybe that's just me and I'm just being too hard on myself..


Wish list..

I wish I could know why.
I wish I had peace.
I wish I had nothing to complain about.
I wish I could know what to do.
I wish I move forward; so baldy.
I wish life didn't cost so much.
I wish everyone knew how much I really cared.
I wish I could dream.
I wish I could just cry, kick tires, scream at everything in my life that moves and makes me angry and not care.
I wish I didn't have to be on medicine.
I wish I could drive away and come back to something better.
I wish I knew how much everyone really cared.
I wish I wasn't angry.
I wish I wasn't sick.
I wish people would stop teasing me with hope and then running away.
I wish I had a moment where everything just fit right, and felt right, and was right.
I wish I wasn't cynical.
I wish I could believe you.
I wish I wasn't depressed.
I wish I could stop being snarky.
I wish people weren't so quick to tell me what to do.
I wish I could blame something tangible instead of the general excuse called 'life'.
I wish I had a voice..
I wish I had someone to just listen to me.
I wish I was smarter and in school actually doing something with my life.
I wish I didn't have to wish this..
I wish I had my best friend to hold me while I cried instead of busying myself and sucking up my emotions.
I wish people didn't judge so easily.
I wish life didn't hurt so much.
I wish I could understand how someone can leave the one they supposedly love.
I wish I could make a difference and know I'm making one.
I wish I could use words wisely and not feel like I'm talking in circles.
I wish Satan didn't have or try so hard to have a foothold in my life.
I wish I could accept commitment and know it's going to last.
I wish I didn't feel so absolutely alone. And of course everything happens to go wrong all around me when I feel this too..
I wish I heard, an actual voice from God, instead of the silence i've received. Even a sign would be nice. *hint hint*
I wish I didn't feel selfish.
I wish I could understand how people can make stupid decisions and not think that the consequences will affect them.
I wish I could just leave all this alone, but I know I can't.
I wish I knew how to be an adult.

I feel as if I'm between a cement wall and a bulldozer instead of a promising rock and a hard place; not to mention the bulldozer is full throttle.

I absolutely despise how I can be so fearful and distrustful of God. Everyone is leaving. It doesn't matter if its a 'God reason' or for stupidity. Everyone is leaving and it makes me feel even more lonely. Backing out of plans and leaving. All around me, life is tumbling down like a three year old's block tower. And the one who kicked it is giggling loudly at the turmoil. Life is at a climax right now and the music is so loud that I can't find out exactly where the danger is coming from..

I really despise that I need to have certain things proven to me now. How I've been hurt and how I don't trust my best friend promise's to be true anymore. Not because of distrust on my best friend's part, he's been nothing but impeccable and loving, but because I don't believe that I can do anything to keep commitments from breaking anymore, and leaving it in God's hands, wow.. even scarier. Even though that is what I am supposed to do. I knew that before. But, i've seen it break, and God was in it. So, my thought process; it might not even supposed to be.. even though I prayed for it and then God brought it to me.

I feel absolutely idiotic to be thinking my future so intently. Do I have it all together? Heck no! But am I being wise? Do I have a career to work and can I live life and not fear debt? Do I have money to support any thing I desire for my future? Am I thinking about how I'm going to grow as much as a toddler does between the ages 19 and 25? Am I taking into perspective that I am young and it isn't, "statistically", smart to be in a committed relationship at this age? I am so half and half on this I'm going to scream! I'm not nor have I ever been fearful of my age, yet I am so worried of fate and what it is screaming in my face every day!

I am just choosing to ignore my feelings now and not grow closer to God. I know I'll just lose everything I desire to have in doing that, but I don't have any motivation to do anything else right now.

I wish I wasn't broken..