I feel there is a bubble in front of me. A big static-y, living, breathing, bubble in front of my path. And I can't get through that bubble, around that bubble, or near that bubble without an enormous static-y flux of emotion in myself and or a strong brick barrier to keep me completely away until the bubble pops. I keep trying to run away, or at least be ale to stand firm, from the emotions the bubble launches towards me. Yet the bubble is also a spinning-out-of-control vortex and sucks me back towards it. I have no control as to where I go, except towards the bubble. I break bricks from hitting the wall because of the force that propels me towards it.
.. this is where I'm stuck.
I want to worry about what's on the other side. But all I feel I'm capable of doing, literally doing and able to handle doing, is to just hope. Just trust. That it'll be okay and one day it'll be right again.
I don't know if I'm comforted knowing that it could be similar on the other side. I want it to be better. I want it to be nicer and easier and relaxing even, on the other side. I'd rather have it hard than knowing it was worse on the other side.
Thats the truth.
So.. after writing all this out. Spending days because I've been stuck as to how to write it out, figuring out if I want the world to know any of this.. I'm exhausted. I feel I've been selfish, ignorant,.. ect. But I'm wanting to change.. I just don't know how to move. I don't know how to stand. I don't know how to think right now.. God knows how I feel. He knows what I need and right now.. I just don't know why I can't see what I need. Why I could possibly be unwilling to see it.. I don't know my thoughts. But God does. Honestly, that is how I walk each day. Knowing, even though, I'm having such a difficult time breathing while the sky is falling, that He has it.
But maybe that's just me and I'm just being too hard on myself..