About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


Wish list..

I wish I could know why.
I wish I had peace.
I wish I had nothing to complain about.
I wish I could know what to do.
I wish I move forward; so baldy.
I wish life didn't cost so much.
I wish everyone knew how much I really cared.
I wish I could dream.
I wish I could just cry, kick tires, scream at everything in my life that moves and makes me angry and not care.
I wish I didn't have to be on medicine.
I wish I could drive away and come back to something better.
I wish I knew how much everyone really cared.
I wish I wasn't angry.
I wish I wasn't sick.
I wish people would stop teasing me with hope and then running away.
I wish I had a moment where everything just fit right, and felt right, and was right.
I wish I wasn't cynical.
I wish I could believe you.
I wish I wasn't depressed.
I wish I could stop being snarky.
I wish people weren't so quick to tell me what to do.
I wish I could blame something tangible instead of the general excuse called 'life'.
I wish I had a voice..
I wish I had someone to just listen to me.
I wish I was smarter and in school actually doing something with my life.
I wish I didn't have to wish this..
I wish I had my best friend to hold me while I cried instead of busying myself and sucking up my emotions.
I wish people didn't judge so easily.
I wish life didn't hurt so much.
I wish I could understand how someone can leave the one they supposedly love.
I wish I could make a difference and know I'm making one.
I wish I could use words wisely and not feel like I'm talking in circles.
I wish Satan didn't have or try so hard to have a foothold in my life.
I wish I could accept commitment and know it's going to last.
I wish I didn't feel so absolutely alone. And of course everything happens to go wrong all around me when I feel this too..
I wish I heard, an actual voice from God, instead of the silence i've received. Even a sign would be nice. *hint hint*
I wish I didn't feel selfish.
I wish I could understand how people can make stupid decisions and not think that the consequences will affect them.
I wish I could just leave all this alone, but I know I can't.
I wish I knew how to be an adult.

I feel as if I'm between a cement wall and a bulldozer instead of a promising rock and a hard place; not to mention the bulldozer is full throttle.

I absolutely despise how I can be so fearful and distrustful of God. Everyone is leaving. It doesn't matter if its a 'God reason' or for stupidity. Everyone is leaving and it makes me feel even more lonely. Backing out of plans and leaving. All around me, life is tumbling down like a three year old's block tower. And the one who kicked it is giggling loudly at the turmoil. Life is at a climax right now and the music is so loud that I can't find out exactly where the danger is coming from..

I really despise that I need to have certain things proven to me now. How I've been hurt and how I don't trust my best friend promise's to be true anymore. Not because of distrust on my best friend's part, he's been nothing but impeccable and loving, but because I don't believe that I can do anything to keep commitments from breaking anymore, and leaving it in God's hands, wow.. even scarier. Even though that is what I am supposed to do. I knew that before. But, i've seen it break, and God was in it. So, my thought process; it might not even supposed to be.. even though I prayed for it and then God brought it to me.

I feel absolutely idiotic to be thinking my future so intently. Do I have it all together? Heck no! But am I being wise? Do I have a career to work and can I live life and not fear debt? Do I have money to support any thing I desire for my future? Am I thinking about how I'm going to grow as much as a toddler does between the ages 19 and 25? Am I taking into perspective that I am young and it isn't, "statistically", smart to be in a committed relationship at this age? I am so half and half on this I'm going to scream! I'm not nor have I ever been fearful of my age, yet I am so worried of fate and what it is screaming in my face every day!

I am just choosing to ignore my feelings now and not grow closer to God. I know I'll just lose everything I desire to have in doing that, but I don't have any motivation to do anything else right now.

I wish I wasn't broken..

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