About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


Blind and missing you.

Higher, much, much higher, like Mt. Everest higher. 

His ways are Higher than my ways. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. (Isaiah 55) So many things I have done recently: not pausing to consider what God might want for me, just simply doing. I've impetuously followed a job, been acting on my feelings, I've tailed a slow car on the way home not knowing if God put him there, possibly saving me from an accident. The thing is, I can only see 20-20. Well actually, I have a few issues with distance. I need glasses to read the signs when I drive otherwise I become impatient, rude, frustrated with anyone nearby, and I get a head ache trying to see what is difficult for me to see. I realize that I have issues (spiritually as well as physically) with looking farther down the road to asses what could be coming. The next road sign, a possible accident, a decision someone could make that would alter my life completely. Oh my, yeah. I stress out when my vision gets blurry. I've gotten into a good habit. I wear my glasses regularly while driving. It's just uncomfortable to not wear them. It's hard to read, to drive, to keep watch of my surroundings. But I keep forgetting I have (spiritual)glasses too. But with spiritual glasses, I don't have to keep watch for anything except for Jesus' coming. I just have to keep taking each step in faith, not worrying about the next road sign and if I'll miss my exit 100 miles before I need to. All I have to accept is that His ways are higher than my ways, and so in essence, His vision, is greater than my own too. It's hard to daily say "Okay God, I don't know if I can take another breath, or if I'll make it to work or home alive tonight. I give up my dreams, my desires and use me each second you allow me to breath." I desire to bring a part of His kingdom on earth, but I desire a family, a marriage, a love. Ultimately, I desire all of that to bring Him glory. When each week passes so quickly, too quickly, and as I grow older.. it becomes so much clearer that I don't have a promise of tomorrow, and I take for granted the wonderful relationship I have been given. I don't want to do that. But I do not want to be selfish. I want to give each of my seconds for His glory. I'm just becoming impatient for the day where I don't have to do it completely alone. Because, until I'm married (If God still desires that to be a part of my life), I'm alone. Just with God. Alone. I do think however, I may have been looking 60 miles farther than I should when it comes to my relationship with my future husband. I am right here, waiting, in opposite sides of the state (soon different countries), growing, yet alone.. for a season. And all for a reason. But it's still hard. Not having communication a top priority right now. It barely feels like a priority, honestly.  Mm.. I have had this conversation too many times. Too many fights. Too many tears about it all. It is hard for me. I have to daily set this aside and not let the ache in my middle to grow and overcome me because God doesn't give me more than I can handle. I don't know how this turned from spiritual sight to this.. again. I have half a mind to delete all of this because I promised I wouldn't bring it up again. I just have to keep going. Alone. But only for now.. Hmm, I truly hope that we are still a part of His plan. It's been a fleeting thought of mine lately. I really do. This season is having me question my very belief of us. Of me. Of God.  If we weren't going to be. If you were not in my life like you are.. I wouldn't be thinking so seriously about marriage, about family, about following anyone but God. I'd probably take a loan out and go to a University for business and start my coffee shop/homeless ministry. Be more gun-ho about that, than I am. Right now, I'm honestly killing time and praying that I am actually growing while waiting for you. But that if there wasn't a you. There is a you. I love you. And I'm waiting for you. And I pray that we marry in His time. That i'm ready. That you are ready. That in the end, our choices, glorify Him. No matter what. So, if closing my eyes, ignoring the ache in my belly when another week passes by without finding out something else about that I never knew, hearing your voice.. and thrusting aside the 'miss you' feeling is what gets me to really buck up and grow, focus on being a woman after God's own heart and gets me through this waiting period. I'll close my eyes, and just drive. But I love you, I do miss you, but I don't let that break me. I've grown stronger and I pray I can handle the three months next year when you are gone.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0Uz51NJJxM