About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.



It has been quite a while since I have written a blog. I noticed I have neglected a lot of stuff lately: my laundry, my bedroom, my gas tank, my junk email box, my homework, my dogs, sadly my bible as well. However, I am clinging to the things that are way too busy or nonexistent to sustain me like I desire: the love of my life, and my sleep.

There has been so much going on this year. And I am talking like it is already December. Oh wait. That starts in one week. I mean for goodness sakes, Christmas is set already at work. I love Christmas, but where has this year gone?

This year has gone by so fast and the semester is almost over. Thank the Lord! I am so done with college and I have only been attending for two semesters. I decided, I cannot live normally in this world. I don't believe I am going to college for a degree. Ever. If I do, it'll be for fun and all for English and Art.

I want to quit my job but I cannot until Summer. I want to work somewhere else because it is so stressful and so draining where I work. I desire to work someplace that recognizes the hard workers (I'm not talking about me). My boss is amazing and he is never recognized by his superiors, he is always shut down and bashed. I cannot stand it. I'm literally there right now because I need the money, but if my boss leaves. I am gone. 

Also I play a major part in why my best friend was suspended from his school. Which I believe I have accepted and given up.. but my best friend keeps praying about it and finding new things to pray about. I'm wondering why I keep shoving it into a box and ignoring my self, my feelings, it.

However; amongst my business (which is 7 out of 7 days a week), I really haven't given God the time He deserves. This fact has been bugging me so much. I keep ignoring it though. I hate getting so little sleep and I am up late doing homework most of the time and I can never seem to get up earlier than I have to. I have done a devotion every 4 days or so, and I go to church when I have time, but this semester church is another thing on a list for me. Another day I am busy. Another day I have to get up. Another day where I have to to "x" amount of stuff by "so and so time".

All of these reflections, are still that. Even right now. Reflections. I have to have time to clean my room, to write an 8 page essay, to spend time with my family who I am also neglecting, to keep up this strong and God centered (is it still?) relationship, to finish this semester with great grades, to do work well in excellence, to be a light, to feed my spirit, to feed my physical body(like real food), to try not to get angry with myself or others, to grow and allow God to grow me, to prepare for next year where I could possibly be getting married, definitely quitting my job, and maybe going to another country.

Where is my heart? Where is my mind? I really need a weekend with God. Just us. I want Him to talk to me, to tell me where I need to go, to give me advice on my job, to prepare me for marriage.. I want to continue to say I am centering my relationship and my entire life on Him. But right now all I have the focus for is to breathe and get through each day.

I am seriously looking down on myself now. I need to stop writing because this  is getting nowhere. God, let us have that weekend soon. Please. I need to hear your voice.