About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


A mind-full explosion.

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.

Grace: unmerited favor of God (God's riches at Christ's expense).

Long-suffering: having to show patience in spite of trials.

Longing: having a strong desire or dream.

Wariness: feeling or showing caution about possible dangers or problems.

Pride (self-esteem): confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self respect.

Selfishness: concerned chiefly with one's own personal state.

Responsibility: the opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions on one's own.

Future: an occurrence yet to happen.

Growth: the process of developing or maturing physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Acceptance: willingness to tolerate, endure, bear, a difficult situation.

These words have been haunting me. I making my mind ponder on each of these words when all I desire to do is to walk in comfort with the hope of a future full of promises, plans, and dreams. Each of these words are challenging me, are changing me, are pushing me, are stripping me of who I was, turning me around, pulling my strings lose and forcing me to my knees.

I am different than who I was a year ago.. and I don't know how to control myself. My thoughts, my actions, my fears are exploding and I don't know how to turn myself back to God. God is my all, but I fear He isn't even near. I fear I've walked away.. 

The Prodigal Son is a story I know well. But I don't think I left like he did.. and I don't think I am like the older son, resenting life and addicted to work. I don't know what I did.. but I fear I did something that makes God angry with me. 

But then, one of the words haunting me kicks in and an explosive chain reaction begins with the whole list.


I wish I took notes on todays sermon.. but I didn't. But all I really need to know is that I live by grace. I forget I live by grace and I can do anything and everything to upset God and He still loves me. And still desires my attention and my worship and to love me and to be with me and to grow me.

I am reading this series, the Sword of Truth, and I'm at a part in the fifth book where there is a city an the tribe living there was called Ander. They were slow to think and quick to anger and fought each other all the time. But they have this weapon, Domnie Durtch and this weapon kept any invasion from happening. But this one time, a tribe, Haiken, came from the wilds and made it past the Ander's weapon and overtook the tribe of Ander. Instead of slaughtering the Ander, Haiken people decided to live together and grow into a great city. The Haiken were smart and wise and florished and taught the Ander. The Ander, now filled with wisdom, when famine came over the land, had the idea to trade and buy food for their starving city. The Ander became fierce and angry and captured the Haiken and changed the whole rules. The Haiken were striped of their titles and positions and Ander people became 'holy'. Haiken became sinners and could do nothing right and are a bad people. Always will be bad people and nothing can change that. Years, this went on. It became engraved in their spirits.. generation after generation.

Sadly, I feel like a Haiken. I'm a sinner and I can't do anything right. My emotions betray me and pull me into sin and not following God fully. I've been angry, I've been sad, I've chosen to sleep than pray or read my bible. I don't know the last time I read my bible.. I been selfish for thinking of myself, more oft then not. I not thinking and acting selflessly for others like I used to. I've gossiped. I've been willingly bitter. I've complained so much I fear one day everyone will just scream for me to shut up. I've been far from worshiping God.. and I don't feel I deserve God's love or anything that He has given me and most of all I don't feel God anymore. I fear the reason is my attitude. And if I don't find a way to accept 'Grace' again, It'll be engraved in my spirit and I'll become the one person everyone will resent and pity. And I'll never change.

How do I come back to that child like faith and receive that wonderful Grace? I've been there. I KNOW it is real. How do I battle this and become the person God wants me to be. Who I want to be because I am not happy with who I am. I also know I cannot do anything to change myself. God will take me as I am. Because He is in love with me, as I am. I don't see how anyone can be proud of me. I hear all this, "you are so strong.. You can do it.. I love you.. you are gonna get through this.. God has it all under control.." yet I feel so out of control I cannot breath and I can't feel God's encompassing arms. 

That is what "my" spirit tells me. 

God's spirit in me sings a different melody. 

God's spirit tells me I'm beautiful. God's spirit tells me I'm strong. God's spirit tells me I deserve greats and awesome things and that I can accomplish anything. God's spirit tells me I can stand up for myself. God's spirit tells me I have a voice. God's spirit tells me.. everything that I need to hear. 

Right now, I'm in such a thankful mood for everything that God's spirit is telling me. For everything that my loved ones tell me. I know that despite my ups and downs. I'm whole and complete in Christ. 

I'm taking that and running right now. I've been angry today, but I'm whole and complete in Christ. I've been rude today but I'm whole and complete in Christ. 

I am whole and complete in Christ. 

My mind is everywhere.. but I'm whole and completely IN Christ.