How do I fight this?

I honestly am not making sense to myself, I'm just writing my thoughts, my fears, my desires, what I know I need and what I don't see God doing here today. I'm basically throwing all these thoughts into a blender and pressing purée. Maybe something'll come out and I'll sift through it later.

Regrets of heavy words thoughtlessly spoken, run 'round and 'round my spirit. 

All's I know right now is that I am empty, I am tired, I need to do "this, that, and the other". I cannot wait for one month to be over. I'm weary of God trusting me with big things, I'm tired of everything seeming to fall apart.. and I'm tired of being negative. 

I feel inadequate to follow you, I feel inadequate to be positive for God. I hear you pray, serve, and finish everything you have on your plate.. all with a smile in the end! And all I feel I see myself do is gripe, cry, and try not to freak out when life comes barging at me. 

And then all I can believe is that I am the negative to your positive. 

"I'm tired of hiding my weakness. I'm tired of trying to look strong. I don't want to say that everything's fine, when there's so much that's wrong. Tell me again that You love me, though it's more than my heart understands. And I will lay down my disguises, and show You who I am.."

At college group three weeks ago, two weeks ago. We studied Matthew Chapter 13. I loved this week. This passage is four stages of life. God explains it too.. but there are times where "everyone" goes through each of these. We live in a fallen world and we just have to go with the flow. The bolded parts are what I feel right now..

 Matthew 13: 19- 23. When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.” 

Hahaha.. yeah. I feel so far away from God's voice.

I feel like I don't understand what God is trying to teach me. I feel as if I am being choked. I feel like I'm being stolen from. Some areas I understand completely. Areas I have already walked through and areas I have been given wisdom so I can give some wisdom on when wisdom is asked from me, share it. However, every other area.. area of compassion, area of kindness, area of selflessness, area of goodness.. all of those areas, I know and knew. I felt to an extent I could walk out this life somewhat successfully and humbly. Lately.. I feel as if I am fighting for patience, kindness, goodness.. love, true Godly love, from myself. I'm biting my tongue again(not very successfully). I look back on my life two, three years ago.. I grew so much. I understood a lot and God taught me and I heard Him. Loudly! 

I love God still and I follow Him and serve Him.. but I just don't get it. I should get it. How do I fight this?

I kind of feel like Eustace from Narnia. You know, the part where Aslan was clawing in his sinful skin and making him new and whole again. I can't do a thing. All I feel is the scratching pain, not knowing what God, big and scary, yet lovely and beautiful lion, is doing. 

Bread and meat. Bread or meat? Which am I truly consuming.

I read my devo today and basically: God gave the israelites manna to eat. Manna is bread. Bread fills you only a little. God gave the israelites physical bread so they can lean on Him spiritually so he can feed them spiritual meat. Yet they craved physical meat and demanded physical meat. What would they get in return spiritually if they caved into their human nature and ate physical meat? They would get spiritually fed, bread. Not enough to survive. 

Physically, maybe I have been eating meat. And Spiritually maybe I've been eating bread.. 

I am out of words. I need an all consuming wave to cover me and even out my life. I feel like I am stuck on a rocky surface and nothing is growing. How do I fight natural elements and instincts? 

I honestly do not think I can. When is God going to send that wave?

Sigh..

I love you. Where am I going with my life? I knew we have a future, we have a plan (or we're planning on being together), we have a purpose. But honestly, have I lost what God wants me to do until then, or what He personally wants me to do on my own now, and when I am with you? I think about my life as of right now. A lot. I am comfortable. With my business, my stresses, my joys. I am not satisfied, however, with not having you near, or that adventurous feeling doing God’s will gives. Am I doing God’s will? I think about how our life will never be normal. Normal how? As in, “Okay God, where are you sending us now?” Or, “ahh, will there never be a day where the same thing happens twice?” Is not normal about living in a remote country with literally nothing? Or not normal as in, each and every step we have to literally and physically and emotionally and spiritually say “where the heck are we going?” 

What is trusting God?

Right now, I don’t know what I am doing. For about two weeks, I knew God wants and still wants my attention these next 5 weeks. But I’m still counting down. How do I look forward to finally have a little bit more of an ‘us’.. at least for three weeks, yet let God teach me? 

How can we talk so easily about when we do this, or when we do that, or one day this, one day that.. yet we have no. clue. what. so. ever. this summer or next fall will hold?

I’m feeling shoved to the side. And I know I am. A God shoved to the side. But it’s still not a cool feeling. There nothing that can be done either, until that one day where I’m not shoved to the side, but standing at your side. 

I’m just thinking about a lot. I don’t know how to speak it either. I don’t even know what to think. These past few days, have really.. sigh, taken a toll on my joy. Which I hate. What have I done wrong to have allowed my joy to be diminished? What am I doing wrong? What can I fix?  Where do you not want me? Where should I be silent? Where should I speak? I am asking this, having no expectations for an answer. You can’t. You can only, sit back and pray. Not a different kind of fighting.. sigh. Only prayer. 

And I have to ask myself. Am I truly willing for God to teach me? Or am I just saying I want to be changed, when I really am not at all willing?