About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


This doesn't have a title..

I don't know where to start or what to start with. All I want to do in this moment is cry and cry hard. Eat some mint chocolate chip ice cream and cry again. I have made a million changes in the past year.. none of them I regret but suddenly the repercussions are hitting me and all I feel I can do is suck in and barely exhale. I'm overwhelmed by everything and I so desperately want control but I don't have it. I can't have it. I just want to be okay. Only time can heal this mess I am right now..

I'll wrap up a little bit of what I've done. A lot of it I'm still not fully accepting but it's hitting me nonetheless.

I went out of the country, to Ecuador with 25 amazing people, and I let go of a lot things that I took responsibility for that was not my burden to carry. I grew so much and realized I am crazy hard on myself. I came back with a fear and excitement of what was to come.

When I got home, it was difficult transitioning into life with the routines I gained over the summer. But I managed knowing full well that God has me. But I was thrown some realizations that I was not expecting to run into.

Six weeks after I got home, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years because I am not in love with him anymore, and with full knowledge that we won't get back together again. I gave my boss my 2 weeks, said my farewells to my parents and siblings, and I moved halfway across the country so I can eventually go to school.

I live with my older brother now and his two dogs, trying to find my place in a town I am not used to but strangely feel at home in. I am surrounded by new friends and old memories of everything I once had. I'm mourning everything that I was once so stubbornly for sure about; yet I am reminded I am making for myself a person. A new person. God has wrecked my world and in such a way I know I can only be more beautiful and I'm excited. Yet right now I am in pain. I hurt. I'm scared. I feel alone. I don't know how I can do this. And I miss, I miss.. I honestly don't know if I miss anything.  I miss the wonderful memories I have but I know I have a better life here because this is where God wants me.

I look at Facebook daily; I'm keeping in contact with my family and my coworker and my best girl friends... but everything else just honestly makes me sick. Sick in my soul and I feel bitter because I am not apart of what I held so dearly. I don't want to be bitter. I'm angry that I'm bitter.

This is where I stand. I have no ice cream, I'm crying, and I'm bitter. Tomorrow- I'll get up and live in the present. I'll make new memories and let the old pass away as God brings in the new. Tonight I'm caving in. I've been holding it in for so long but I don't care, it's coming out.


Transitions and purpose.

Heat, flash thunderstorms, faster lanes, Mexican food, homegroup, volleyball, mosquito bites, late nights, true worship, sincerity...... Lack of focus. I am surrounded by all of these things; God's hand is so evident in my move to TX. I know I am supposed to be here fore a reason. To grow, to live, most of all to become the woman of God He has designed that only experience can mold me into.

What I haven't forced myself to do is get up early to run and have my quiet time. I need that habitual routine in my life; that constant reminder of His love and purpose for my life. His promises continuously falling into my spirit so that my actions of daily life are only a little bit of what His love is truly doing in me.

Half of my summer was that- consistent in His love and I couldn't get enough. Moving down south to Bryan, Texas I feel the heat. My soul is parched for more of Him and I feel so weak to even turn on the water. That is why I am so grateful that He is so faithful and pusposeful in where He places me in life. The homegroup I found is not from the church I saw online. A friend of mine, her cousin lives down here and she invited me to her homegroup to get connected. I fell in love. They are all so sincere about their walk with Christ and their actions and speech exude that with a profound everything. I am in awe of how much God is taking care of me in my anxiety and scattered brain thoughts.

Especially with saying goodbye to my parents. That was hard. I am still shocked I am living in TX. I am 26 hours away from my mother and father. They are what I really miss back in MD. Everything else- they are only a shadow of my feelings. It's my secure family- the knowledge I am always welcome back home no matter what I did or did not do. The faith they had in me- they still have in me halfway across the country. It's overwhelming I cannot crawl back in to their bed and cover up when I am scared or sad or overwhelmed. All I have is my bed. And my new friends Ali, Carly, Jess, and Stacey. But I will always admit there is nothing like your parents bed- the comfort and secure feeling you get when you hide away from life.

But I am here. Trying not to freak out I do not have a job. Trying not to freak out I have $500 worth of debt in my credit card and an almost $200 doctors bill. I want that paid off now so I can start raising some money for school.

Ah.. yes. The reason I wanted to come here. To go to school.  I cannot wait til Fall of next year. I want to study so badly. I want to get my degree. I want to learn. I want to be able to use what God has given me for His glory. I wish I were in school now- I wish it would all be paid off before I even attend so I don't have to worry about student loans or anything. I just want to learn! Sigh.. it is such a hunger in my soul. Both for His word and the written word of our culture and the surrounding cultures. Being stuck working is a pain.

But I am where I am right now for a reason- God will get me to school. It will be paid for and I will be growing and moving in the direction He has for me. I just pray I embrace the future transitions as well I have for this big one of moving out for the first time. I know with Christ I can. I just pray my focus stays on Him. Nothing else. It's so hard though.. especially with all these cute boys around. ;) Haha.. sigh.

I am thankful that God is teaching me patience. I honestly am. When I am ready for a relationship of that stature, it'll be here. As of right now. I'm fighting to be content with the hand I am delt. His love alone. With that I am content. I am secure.