About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


Walking in His shoes..

I try to do everything for God's glory- whether it is giving someone a cup of water or ringing up customers at my tedious job. I know we're told to do everything with a joyful heart too, but don't you ever think Jesus got angry and frustrated?

Aside from the fact I'm getting paid, I get so frustrated with customers who take for granted  the service I am giving them. I get so angry with them when they take for granted the gobbs and gobbs of money they spend on chocolate and soda alone; I mean who needs 40 dollars worth of chocolate and a dozen 12 packs of soda? Why are people so selfish when so many people are in debt, using credit cards, on food stamps, work multiple jobs, and are homeless.. just to survive. So I believe Jesus got frustrated too. I mean He flipped tables in the tabernacle because the Pharisees were using it to sell goods and squander money: not pray to God! I wish there were some spiritual tables I could flip within my work at the materialism and selfishness I see daily.

But then I wonder- am I the Light that God wants me to be for my coworkers and the customers that I have the pleasure to ring up? Do I have a sour face on when I see how the customer is manipulating the sales for their own gain, when I see the couponers come in with 5 inch thick binder, full of clippings of newspapers just so they can get their 150$ purchase down to a measly 1.34$? Honestly, yes. I do. I hate it when they come in because they are fighting tooth and nail to win that sale- they fight me and call me names because I refuse to take an expired coupon. Then I am afraid of being fired or written up by my district manager because I did not please the customer.

I'm also anticipating a robbery because we are a well off store, multiple stores in the surrounding Westminster area have been robbed already. I have let my imagination run off with me and if someone comes in with a gun- it'll be pointed at me. It'd be my luck. But to top it off, there are the customers and strange men that approach all the women coworkers at my job between walking from the store and our cars, in the dark, after closing. Oh there goes my imagination again.. But to top it off, there is this one customer who "offered" to help me take off my sweatshirt. In the middle of the store. With a laugh that makes my skin crawl. This is the creepiest man I have ever met. Oh how I wish I was out of retail..

Honestly it is a lot easier to be a light to my coworkers because they deal with the customers day in and day out just like me. They see the unfair attitudes and ungrateful hearts. They work just as hard or harder because they have families to provide for. But in the end, they battle with the same stresses that I do; being fired, making the wrong move, being robbed, raped, or being sexually harassed. It has actually gone a lot easier being a Light with my coworkers. I've not pushed my beliefs on them- but I've made it aware to the ones who are curious that I am willing to talk. Some ignore me, some only speak about worldly topics, and one- she is interested but so distracted to fully pursue. I've openly prayed for them, offered prayer for them, and I've tried to the best of my ability to go the extra mile for them. I can only hope and pray that Jesus' Light is shining through my dusty lens.

Outside of my job- I wonder what I do for God. What actually counts for "following Him".. whoa. Haha- I wrote that last sentence and just got bombarded with thoughts and arguments in my head that my every step counts for following Him. Every stumble. Every good thought towards someone who is usually ignored. Every smile I share. Every hello. Each one of them doesn't not count. So- moving on now. I try so hard to not "tail" people who are driving extremely slow.. I think that constitutes as following Him a little bit because most people just ride the car in front of them like crazy until you upset them. That has happened to me a lot: both on the giving and receiving end. So essentially, what you were taught in Drivers ED was true- there is such a thing as road rage.

Also- I've heard so much about Drive By Difference off of the christian radio station. When you go through a fast food drive through- when you feel the Spirit's pulling, pay for the person's meal behind you. I've done this before- and it is rewarding! I sometimes wish I worked fast food just so I could see the reaction of the person receiving a free meal. As the car comes up to the window to pay, I would say with a smile- "Oh, your meal has been paid for. Just drive up to the next window to pick it up." That is so cool. So much like Jesus. Jesus paid for us with His death- all we are told to do is accept it and pick it up and live like Him and love Him. Wouldn't you feel immensely blessed if you were blessed with a free meal? You are blessed with a free life if you are saved.

But ultimately I began writing this blog because of this girl who I met at the hospital. Normally- I would avoid her gaze and sit in a corner unless she said hello first or God literally pushed me to speak. (Both have happened.) But my wonderful best friend always seems to start conversation right when I want to avoid it. I was actually in my sisters room in the ER waiting for her to be transferred to University of Maryland Hospital in Baltimore. Nate left to go wait for me so Pastor Mike could come in and pray with my sister, me and my mom. It was about 1am when I left my sister and my mom to go drop Nate off at his house and then head home myself and I walked into the lobby and he was talking with this girl. The had a shaved head- like she maybe had chemo.. sweatpants, a shirt that was slightly too big, scars all over her arms... but the thing that caught my eye was she was holding on so tight to life even though her own seizures seemed like they were causing her to lose sight of reality.

Nate had already let her use his phone to call her dad for a ride because the hospital did exactly what it does to my sister: send her home with no answers, unwilling to help. Even though I was exhausted- I knew I didn't want to leave until her dad got there. Her name is Brittany. I found out she was my sisters age- 21, could not hold a job due to her health, she had a 2 year old kid, and everyone she met did not care.

Sometimes, walking in Jesus' shoes feel like I'm walking in a giants shoes. I am stumbling, tripping, falling, and eventually begging God to take them off so I can run barefoot because it is more comfortable.

I was fighting that thoughts that she was high, that all of the things she was telling me were lies.. I honestly still do not know. But then, I don't have to know if its all true. Jesus knows her story and in the end, she deserves to be loved like everyone else. Because that is what Jesus would do.

Brittany went in and out of consciousness; I'm not sure if it was because she was having little seizures or not- but it was like she was fighting herself to speak. Like an entire new identity- one of numbness and non-responsiveness; a lifeless personality overcame her. At times for 5 seconds or once 5 minutes.

I want to remember all of this: I never want to forget. She was in her numb state when Nate got up to use the bathroom- Brittany's dad just got there and he went to use the restroom as well. So it was just her and I. She looked at me and told me she liked my jacket. I had on a very lightweight, hot pink windbreaker. I don't know why, but I asked her if she wanted it. She said no- but I already determined to give it to her just for the sole fact that she liked it. She had a blanket and her dad was bringing her her stuff. She got up and got her stuff together and Nate came out to leave with me. She suggested us leaving because her dad was going to the the staff of the hospital hell for doing this again to his daughter. I handed Nate the things from my pocket and took off my jacket and handed her my coat. She said "No, I don't want to take you coat!". I smiled and laughed and told her I had Nate's so she shouldn't worry. I forced it in her hands. She finally accepted it. She put it on and reached for a hug and I gave her a real hug. I told her to never forget she is love. That we loved her but ultimately God loved her. She laughed cynically and said that God is the only person who loves her. I told her, no- we did too. We wished her luck- Nate left his own gift for her and we walked out of the hospital.

Half an hour.

That's the amount of time I knew her. Too short because I want to understand her- I want her to understand God's love. But it was long enough because I haven't gotten her off my mind.

Jesus shoes, I imagine them sandals and 4 times bigger than my own feet. Yet throughout the day to day tedious work I do at my job, being a Light for my coworkers, the few times I've participated in drive through difference, and meeting Brittany and leaving her with one more coat to her name and a word of God's love- I'm confident I wore them because I was stumbling, falling, and fearful I would trip because of the little steps I was taking in such big shoes. I don't know if I wore the shoes on the correct feet the whole time... I'm just thankful I didn't beg to have them taken off. I know if I didn't have them on, I wouldn't have had the courage to do the things I did. If I were barefoot- I'd probably make up excuses for fear of my feet being trodden on.


If this post had a title..

I step into the unknown, a direction that even doubt cannot quell the truth; I will be propelled forward. Though uncomfortable at first, the timid and hesitant smile slowly changed into a playful and excited grin that steals my breath from my lungs; nothing can wipe this from my face. I've accepted a journey from One whose ways are bigger and far greater than my own- moving forward is the only option if joy and love and adventure are to be with me. With this step; a realization comes- the possibilities are endless in a life lived with unwavering courage.