About Me

My photo
I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


Keep me here... there is nowhere else I'd rather be!

Oh the things I have taken for granted. My every breath. My home. My pillow. My friends. My family. My faith. My Savior.
Everything I am, have done, and will do, is all going to be used for His glory. Of this I know. But sometimes I cannot help but sit down and when I fully realize that my life here on earth is only a gust of wind, do I truly delve deeper into His Word and Truth. Only when I realize that He controls my breath that I focus solely on Him and not of the things of the world. Sadly… I have been in this habit for some time.
One month ago, the week before Christmas, was an extremely difficult week for me. Yet it is the one week in my entire life that I would not change for anything. That week, I thought I lost my best friend, my future, and all the plans that I know is apart of God’s plan… that I took for granted.
You see, I am going to marry my best friend: Nathaniel Paul. But because I have been surrounded by worldly things (secular and romantic music, movies, and book), divorce, and the fulfillment of desires (or so I see) by everything other than my Savior, I let the desperation of keeping my relationship with him right and strong and in Christ control me. Now that I look back, I recognize, even though I did everything right and the way it should be done (dating, that is)… I did not fully give my relationship and the outcome to God. God was telling me, as He was telling Nathaniel, that we needed to fully give “us” up to Him so we can be better and be used in bigger ways than we could ever imagine. I was scared, however. I fought it. I cried so much and I tried so hard to keep the gift God gave me. Every time I dropped Nathaniel off at school… I broke because I was afraid I would never get it back. I knew I needed to give it up to God, but I was afraid He would take it back even though I knew it was a gift from Him.
The week before Christmas, God laid on Nate’s heart to give us up for a time. Not breaking up. But a stalling and a time to spend with Jesus more fully; and individually. I, being so emotional and fighting for so long. Did not take it that way. I looked at the small picture: “Oh my goodness, you are leaving me? Asking me to wait indefinitely, no wait, not giving me a choice but to wait indefinitely for you?” And Nate, God love him.. did not know how to fully communicate his thoughts. Well.. maybe he did. Maybe I just was not willing to listen. I can believe the latter more than the former.
So.. for a week, Nate and I did not talk. I thought we broke up. Nate watched me go through this desperate phase and he went through one himself; where we broke everything of ourselves and gave it up to God. Where we fully trusted God with everything: ourselves, our future together, our relationship. Everything. And for a week, we grew. I recognized I am okay single. I am okay being just Jesus’. I am okay in my own identity as His. Only with that thought and acceptance was I able to receive Nathaniel back. I do not know everything Nate went through; that is his story to tell and one day ours to tell together. But one week; the same amount of time it took for God to create the world… centered mine back around Him.
Now I am in a time of growing by myself while Nathaniel is gone out of the country finding his calling. He is still my future husband. I love him and he loves me. We choose each other and Lord willing, we will still get married. I pray he is still going to be a part of my life. I know that is my decision, but I have to trust that God’s ways are higher than my own if it does not come to be. {Isaiah 55:9}
However, I will continue to believe and hope in the promise and friendship that God granted me through and with Nathaniel. Every Good gift is from above and from my Heavenly Father. The doubt I feel right now, and will feel some times… I give right back up to Him and continue to grown in my alone-ness and individual self.
I grow nearer to Him who is my only satisfaction and thank Him for the friendships I gain while I am here on the planet He created. Nothing else matters except showing His love to others and growing with Him, my Savior, my God.
I thank God daily for that week, where I broke and He pieced me back together, that week that will only bring Him glory, the glory He deserves alone. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Until the day I die, I give Him glory and praise and I am willing and moving forward to bring forth His kingdom. In my singleness while waiting for Nathaniel to come back to bring me with him to marriage and a journey I will never regret.
There are so many other thoughts I desire to write down, about my growth, about where I feel God is taking me, about how I have changed my view on marriage and work and worship and vantage points.. but this is where my heart is right in this moment. Thankful for that week and looking forward to the growth I have for me in this journey.