- I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.
I have been through a lot these past few months. Ever since my 16th birthday I have changed dramatically. I have growd up, lost friends, gained friends, been beaten down emotionally, almost watched my friend die, watched her survive, read a few good books, watched a few good movies, and I've been moved to revival, worshiped like I have never before and I try to live loving Jesus daily.
I've failed. I've succeeded. I've lost. I've gained. I've dived. I've fallen. I've stood. I've been pushed. And I've lived.
I graduated highschool and taken a part time job.
And right now, I'm being still because God said so.
Me time or God time?
A lot of the time I always find myself feeling guilty because I barely get in my 'designated' God time of just thinking of Him and saying "Thank you God". Usually, I just recite this list at the end of the night and pass out. I was just so tired by the end of the day that I didn't give God the worship He deserves.
Well, last night I was sick and tired of not giving Him what I want to give Him. I cancelled on my friend when she was just broken up with; which I felt bad for doing it too because I've always been there for her when that happened to her.
I didn't get on my computer except to listen to worship music even thought I got the best hug from my friend and I really wanted to talk to him. But I turned it off because it was getting between me and God.
So, there I was. In my sisters bed. Listening to David Crowder. And just praying "Why have I felt like this? Like I've abandoned my family for my friend. To prove to myself that I'm not leaving. That I am better. That I'm not weak." Then I thought, 'How in the world did those thoughts get in there!? Weak.. where.. why..
I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I'm falling back into a comfort zone and I realize it and I don't want to. So I am fighting and it's hard to get up.. especially when you are tired. It's like falling asleep at 2 in the morning knowing you have to get up at 9 and when the alarm goes off you just stare at it feeling like it was just a second ago it was 3:15 when you got up and peed and watch the clock click by, 910, 915, 932, 945, 950... I really should get up. But you don't. You just stay in bed.
That is how I feel. And when I was listening to this song.. Never let go by David Crowder, there is this expert at the beginning with Louie Giggilo.. and he is saying that God is inviting me to be in His story. Not the other way around. When I think about that.. I know I really shouldn't compartmentalize God into my life. And when I do, I know He is sad. But I know He still never lets go of me. Which Thank God because He loves me still.
He wants to make me brave, brokenhearted for things that break His heart, and faithful.. faithful to Him for His glory.
I don't know exactly what I am supposed to do about this friend and how to not put my friendship before my family and my God without feeling guilty for leaving them in a hard time. I feel like a horrible person when leaving.. I haven't actually seen her since wednesday of last week and that is long for us, especially when one of us is hurting.
But so I prayed that if I am supposed or allowed to see my friend each day, I pray that God will give me an opportunity to do so. And I have only seen her once, so I have realized that I have needed to give her up. Whether it's permenately or temporarily I don't know. But I need to.
I've cried many tears this week, but I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart soar. So how can I keep from singing? God has my friend and my falling relationship in His hands, and yes its sad.. but He is giving me many new friends in replace of not seeing my friend.
Song- My Deliverer, Chris Tomlin.