About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


A new ending.

Step 4: If failure occurs, repeat step 1-3.
Break ups happen. Sometimes they are inevitable. Nate and I went through it unfortunately and fortunately. Throughout the time I that Nate and I were not talking, I grew closer to God and I had more of an opportunity to focus on what God is doing in me. Not my relationship with Nate. I may never the specific reasons as to why Nate and I had to go through those two times where we didn’t talk, but that’s okay because “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55).”  But I know for a fact that the two and a half years I spent with Nate, I grew abundantly. And the two times Nate and I stopped talking, I grew so much farther because God had me place everything at His feet and trust Him with my future. Mine and Nate’s two “breaks” were stepping stones that pushed me farther than I can ever imagine. But God promised me, as He promised Nate, that He has us and our relationship in His hands. He is molding us and forming us to be strong so we can bring Him glory. By doing my relationship with Nate this way, I saved my heart from much heartbreak when we split. It still hurt a lot, Nate and I won’t ever have the carefree friendship we had. No, our relationship is much stronger because of it. Our life together is going to be used to bring others hope and promises. Our relationship is a testimony and 30 years down the road when our children ask us about dating, we’ll know exactly what to say because we know it’s not about us or what we do. It’s about our willingness to allow what God wants and desires.
I know that sometimes relationships end completely after “breaks” and “break ups”. And all I can say is no relationship ends perfectly as it was before. It hurts because that person is a real best friend and it will continue to hurt for some time because of all of the time you put into that relationship, only to have it end. But that is okay. Everything will be okay.  By focusing on God, becoming the right person, and by loving your boyfriend like God loves us, like I love Nathan, with God’s love instead of handing them our hearts without considering the consequences, we can and will save ourselves a ton of pain. I will always love Nathan, with God’s love, and with the love he deserves as a man of God from the woman he plans to marry. I know that my journey with Nate brought us to a point where this verse “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. (Philippians 1:9-10)” is true and will continue to come true for me. My love will abound more in knowledge and depth that my God, Nathan, and our future children will cherish and praise. All because I allowed God to mold me before I ever decided to becoming a part of something that is a molding of two separate lives. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)”.  Within delighting God before everything, He will grant the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4 and Psalm145:19). I never desired my relationship with Nathan to go through those tough times. I prayed so hard that we would stay together, that God would protect our friendship. He was my first love. But God knows the plans for me, plans not to harm me but to prosper me. (Jer. 29:11) I took those situations and I learned that I would have been okay if Nate and I did not get back together.  The pain I felt through the silence and arguments we had, the joy I felt through the quality time and serving time we spent together, and the relief and praise I felt as we came to an agreement to get back together, that our separations were to grow us closer, were pivotal in my growth as a woman. I will gladly and readily jump forward to where God is calling me and I am thankful that Nate will be by my side and that we placed God before us.
By doing my relationship with Nathan this way, God’s way, I followed God’s will and I will continue to live this out, holy and God will continue to bless us and grow us even closer more than we can ever imagine.It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7)”


Guard Your Heart: Dating Talk

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him." (Genesis 2:18) Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Desiring a relationship with someone who could be your future spouse is not wrong. It is actually a part of God's plan. He desired man to be in a relationship. He said it is not good for man to be alone!
 Yet God also knows, now with sin in the world, that good relationships are harder to come by. God honoring relationships. That's why God also says to guard your heart. Guarding you heart while striving for an intimate relationship is hard. Sometimes it seems even impossible. God also knows this.

God, however, has given us a way to to do both. And successfully. Not painlessly. Putting your all into another human is always painful because they will always fail you. God is the only one who will never fail us, leave us, or forsake us. 

First, let us look at dating the worlds way:

Some people define dating as an act of meeting and spending time in public, together, as a couple. Some people define it as a process to fine the “One” because they know what they want.  Others define it as a way to figure out what they want in a relationship. And some use the process it gives to kill time for them. Really, you can sum up the process of dating in 4 steps.

Step 1: Find the right person. Most cases, someone you can laugh with, someone who likes you, someone who finds you attractive, and most importantly, someone who you find attractive and has a personality you can tolerate.

Step 2: Fall in love. This step is one that is shown in all of the classic romance movies. Guy takes girl out on a date, suddenly it rains. Guy takes jacket off and places around the girl as they race to stay dry under a tree. Sudden laughter occurs for a minute then BAM! Girl swoons as he kisses her. Or guy is a total jerk throughout the whole movie and at the very last scene, apologizes and they kiss and end up as a couple. Same thing happens in each ending; the couple is obviously in love.

Step 3: Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfillment. Again we see this in play in all of the movies. This is usually seen from the girls perspective, she has the wedding planned by age 5, her bridesmaids are chosen as soon as she figures out who are her true friends, and her husband-to-be has to be 6’3, sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, skinny yet strong enough to literally sweep her off her feet, a personality to keep her tied to him, and have the same hopes and dreams as herself: a full job as a doctor/lawyer, own a house with 4 bedrooms, one cat, one dog, and 2.5 kids; A typical American family.

Finally, Step 4: If failure occurs repeat steps 1-3. We have seen this many times throughout movies as well. Usually in the beginning the girl (sometimes the guy) just recently broke up with their boyfriend because he felt she was too serious and “clingy”. Hence the plot of the movie “I am going to be single for some time, find out who I am, and have my girlfriends back me up!...Except she runs into Mr. Dreamy and end up falling for him to live happily ever after.

That is all funny, but the world’s way of dating is typical, predictable, and used throughout middle-school, high-school, and college. There is much heartbreak, many messed up self-esteems, a lot broken friendships, and everyone is hurt.

I have witnessed my best girl-friend do this all throughout high school and college.  I have witnessed my own sister do this into marriage! It is a sickly disease that has caught our young women this generation and it is a hard bug to fight! I decided as I saw so much hurt, before I even got to the age of having a boyfriend, that I would do dating differently.  I prayed with much power and confidence that God could really do this in me differently and holy; and without all the heartbreak that seen in the world, without all of the hurtful dependency issues, without all the emotional, spiritual, and psychological issues that come about dating and breaking up. I prayed that God would take whatever he has in store for me, and do it His way. That is when Nathan came into my life. When I asked God, He gave me an opportunity to do it His way. Because Nathan was in my life, I was attracted to him, and oh my goodness, he liked me too! I decided I needed to find a devotional, a bible based self-help book of some sort, on how to deal with relationships. I certainly did not have the peers to help me. So I found Sex180. It was written by two dads who stated that they are sick of seeing all these young people getting hurt through dating and intimate relationships, something that God intended for Good, and watch it turn out so bad. At the beginning of the book, they too had the dating steps 1-4, but after that, they had God’s 1-4 steps written a little differently.

Step 1: Become the right person instead of finding the right person. Becoming the right person should be our main goal. (Psalm 145:29) Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. I personally find this to be really difficult. It is hard to admit I am human, I have failed, I will fail, and I am not perfect. To admit all this fully and offer myself up to God and receive His full blessing means I have to constantly look at what I need to give up to God. Which is everything! Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship (Romans 12:2) God is asking me to trust in Him. God is asking me to guard my heart from what can hurt me. Because I will get hurt! Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23) Most of all, God is asking me to be the woman He is creating me to be so I can be the wife, mother, teacher, mentor, helpmate, and friend that my husband deserves.

In becoming the right person, to worship Him and keep focused on God is the most important thing. God is trying to teach me to humble myself and allow the hardships to come through my life and mold me to be who I need to be. Instead of focusing on what I want, I am focusing on what God wants to see grow in me. He doesn’t want me to focus on who I want; He wants me to be the woman who God will be proud of and who my future husband deserves.

By doing that, taking those steps to set my mind on God so He can make me into the woman that will glorify Him, God allowed my relationship with Nathan to flourish beyond anything I could dream of. We grew so close, without getting so serious so fast. It took two years until we started planning  what our life could look like! 

I also looked for a man who desired a relationship with His Heavenly Father and pursued it daily. Nathan is a great man. He loves God more than anything. He places God first in everything. And he cherishes all women as though they are his own sister. Through growing closer with him, I had the opportunity to do the same things for Nate. I love God and put Him first before Nate. I cherish Nate as he was my brother. Because he is! The bible says “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2)” He is my brother. And in absolute purity, I would not be caught doing anything unwholesome with him, or put him in a place where we could do something unwholesome. My goodness, we realized that it is so hard to stay pure. We are human and designed to love and be loved. But he is my brother... unless we marry sex is out of the question. And for us, kissing was out of the question because it put us in a place where we forgot what we are doing with our relationship, with God. It is very important to always realize that God will bring out the points in relationships at different times, and physical is for marriage. “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (Song of Solomon 8:4)” We have to be very careful to not awaken what is to be saved for marriage. Another verse that helped me stay pure was: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10”) In doing this, I placed his needs before mine. I would do anything for him. I have slipped him a couple dollars without his knowledge because he did not have anything for food for school. I have told him, as he has told me that we need to back away and put God first because we have realized we got into a pattern of forgetting to place God first. Sometimes it is waking up at an ungodly hour to take him back to school when I would rather be sleeping. It can be anything! But ultimately, it is honoring him above my-self. I am a servant as Jesus serves.

Step 2: Instead of falling in love, walk in love. This is something that nobody gets. They say “Falling in love is a process, it takes wooing, takes chocolate, dates, and many kisses to happen! “ Yeah, no. We can’t fall in love. Love is not something to fall into. Love is an action. Love is a choice. Love is not a feeling, a caressing touch, a desire. Love is an action. Without showing Godly actions that you care, do you really love? If you are selfish, demanding, or self-centered, do you love? Like this weekend’s verse, “Dear children let us not love with words or with tongue but with actions and in truth (1 John 3:18) This was something that I knew would take some time to actually wrap around my mind. With watching my sister and best friend go through relationships full of “falling in love”, I had to change my mindset that it was not a feeling. Honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I felt it to be true. With Nathan, it was easier to walk in love and less “new territory” because walking in love, Christ’s love, was something I was used to. “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19) I could not grow my love towards Nate without my love for God. Mine and Nate’s relationship was so strong that nothing of this world can break it. I will never stop loving Nathan all because I love him with a love that is true and everlasting. God’s love. (Matthew 18:7) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Step 3: Instead of fixing your hopes and dreams on a person, fix them on God and seek to please Him through it. By fixing your hopes and dreams on a person, you set yourself up to fail yet God promises that while man will fail you, He (God) will never leave you nor forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5) Three things that Nate and I found when we dated, what we desired to have a steady part in our relationship, were prayer, serving others, and bible reading; together. If not every time, we constantly try to end our phone calls with prayer. When we know there is something in between us or we are irritable, we pray before we continue on with our time together. We constantly open ourselves up to God in front of the other. Prayer is very intimate with God. We are showing everything to Him who knows all, and praying with Nate has given us the insight into our personal lives with God. We could be praying and I, because I would be so focused on talking with God, could say something and talk about a fear I have been feeling, that Nate never knew about. Then Nate knew something more specifically he can pray about. Prayer is something we made a priority because we knew it was the only direct way we can humble ourselves, our relationship, and our future before God. “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Heb. 10:25)”

In bible reading, I cannot impress on how important and how fulfilling it is to read with your best friend, about our Savior. God worked in mine and Nate’s lives so much. We did not have much time to read the bible together, but in my own readings and his personal readings, I have seen God align our growth similarly. Which is astounding. I cannot wait for the day where my husband and I can study the word together.

In serving, Nate and I wanted to work together so badly. Mission trips, ministries, anything. We want to work together for God to show His glory. We did not have the opportunity though, to work together with his school but when we did, working together was something that brought us closer on a level that is more than intimate. It is a level where we recognize that our life here on earth is to serve God and bring His kingdom. Whenever Nate or I fell into a trap of laziness or unwillingness, our prayer and bible reading together has brought us close to where either of us could, as the bible says  “spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)”
By doing those three things together, Nate and I kept God at the forefront of our friendship. We glorified God with how we did our relationship and it will always be a part of my testimony. “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)”

Step 4: If failure occurs, repeat step 1-3.
Break ups happen. I went through it with Nathan unfortunately and fortunately. I may never know if Nate and I were supposed to be together for life like we were planning or if it was never apart of God’s amazing plan because God says “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55).” But I know for a fact that the two and a half years I spent with Nate, I grew abundantly. Nate was a stepping stone that pushed me farther than I can ever imagine. By doing my relationship with Nate this way, I saved my heart from much heartbreak when we split. It still hurt a lot, Nate and I won’t ever have the friendship we had. No relationship ends perfectly as it was before. It still hurts because he was my best friend and it will continue to hurt for some time. But I am okay. By focusing on God, becoming the right person, and because I loved Nathan with God’s love instead of handing him my heart without considering the consequences, I saved myself from a ton of pain. I will always love Nathan, with God’s love, and I know that my journey with Nate brought me to a point where this verse “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. (Philippians 1:9-10)” will come true for me. My love will abound more in knowledge and depth that my God, my future husband, and my children will cherish and praise. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)”.  I also know that within delighting in God before everything, He will grant the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4 and Psalm145:19). I never desired my relationship with Nathan to fail. I prayed so hard that we would stay together. He was my first love. But God knows the plans for me, plans not to harm me but to prosper me. (Jer. 29:11) But I am going to take the experience I learned, the pain I felt, the joy I felt, and jump forward to where God is calling me.

By doing my relationship with Nathan this way, God’s way, I followed God’s will and I will continue to live this out, holy.It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7)”



It has been quite a while since I have written a blog. I noticed I have neglected a lot of stuff lately: my laundry, my bedroom, my gas tank, my junk email box, my homework, my dogs, sadly my bible as well. However, I am clinging to the things that are way too busy or nonexistent to sustain me like I desire: the love of my life, and my sleep.

There has been so much going on this year. And I am talking like it is already December. Oh wait. That starts in one week. I mean for goodness sakes, Christmas is set already at work. I love Christmas, but where has this year gone?

This year has gone by so fast and the semester is almost over. Thank the Lord! I am so done with college and I have only been attending for two semesters. I decided, I cannot live normally in this world. I don't believe I am going to college for a degree. Ever. If I do, it'll be for fun and all for English and Art.

I want to quit my job but I cannot until Summer. I want to work somewhere else because it is so stressful and so draining where I work. I desire to work someplace that recognizes the hard workers (I'm not talking about me). My boss is amazing and he is never recognized by his superiors, he is always shut down and bashed. I cannot stand it. I'm literally there right now because I need the money, but if my boss leaves. I am gone. 

Also I play a major part in why my best friend was suspended from his school. Which I believe I have accepted and given up.. but my best friend keeps praying about it and finding new things to pray about. I'm wondering why I keep shoving it into a box and ignoring my self, my feelings, it.

However; amongst my business (which is 7 out of 7 days a week), I really haven't given God the time He deserves. This fact has been bugging me so much. I keep ignoring it though. I hate getting so little sleep and I am up late doing homework most of the time and I can never seem to get up earlier than I have to. I have done a devotion every 4 days or so, and I go to church when I have time, but this semester church is another thing on a list for me. Another day I am busy. Another day I have to get up. Another day where I have to to "x" amount of stuff by "so and so time".

All of these reflections, are still that. Even right now. Reflections. I have to have time to clean my room, to write an 8 page essay, to spend time with my family who I am also neglecting, to keep up this strong and God centered (is it still?) relationship, to finish this semester with great grades, to do work well in excellence, to be a light, to feed my spirit, to feed my physical body(like real food), to try not to get angry with myself or others, to grow and allow God to grow me, to prepare for next year where I could possibly be getting married, definitely quitting my job, and maybe going to another country.

Where is my heart? Where is my mind? I really need a weekend with God. Just us. I want Him to talk to me, to tell me where I need to go, to give me advice on my job, to prepare me for marriage.. I want to continue to say I am centering my relationship and my entire life on Him. But right now all I have the focus for is to breathe and get through each day.

I am seriously looking down on myself now. I need to stop writing because this  is getting nowhere. God, let us have that weekend soon. Please. I need to hear your voice.



I was made fore glory.

This statement confuses me. Greatly. As I have been reading my bible over the past few days, God has been teaching me about Himself. I am also reading Crazy Love and these first few chapters are about the basics of Christianity. Of God Himself.

God is God. He can and will do what He Wills. I cannot stop Him. He is something I should worship with fear and trembling. He is God.

But God also loves me. I am His creation. He is glorified in me. Which means, He takes great pride in me. He wants the best for me. He sent Himself, His Son, to die for me. To forgive me. So He can accept me and acknowledge(the Greek translation meaning to know intimately) me in heaven and on earth.

I was made for glory. I am wondering if I truly understand all of this. I have been marked by God. He knew be before I was born and created a plan for me.

 He predestined (knew) me (before I was born), He called me (has a plan for my life), He justified me (through Jesus), and He glorified me (takes pride in me).

Romans 8:29&30 For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, that he might be firstborn among many brothers. And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.

I don't know what to make of this.. I want to understand this.

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Psalm 63:1

That is my prayer.


The Seams.

 A song, a thought, a picture, a word, a verse, the candle flame.. all have brought tears to my eyes today. None have brimmed over yet. But they could. I feel as if I am waiting for a word to break me. And one word could right now.

I haven't been this emotional in a long time. I have handled myself well. Extraordinarily well if anyone asks me. And right now, I am afraid my mother will come upstairs and see my face and blame me because I haven't taken my vitamins. I haven't exercised. I haven't taken medication that will help me.I haven't eaten perfectly.

I know she cares. But this is a fear and a "word" that can break me right now.

The words "I love you" from him can and has already broken me.

I need to write my essay. I've written a little bit over 100 words for it.. but I find myself here writing instead. The fact I debated over cows milk and almond milk made me tear up. The fact I've been munching on some m&m's while he wanted cookies. The fact that he still thinks I can do anything..

I feel like a worn thread.. I read my devotion and it is about ministry. Something it said was: "Sometimes, you just cannot work in a ministry, lead a ministry because you have to work on the priorities before it. Maybe your not attending will show someone that you value your priorities." I really like to believe that is what God is having me do.

I work. A lot. I'm scared because I am scaring him.

My back hurts every time I wake up and I do not know why. It is so sore.

The only picture I can see of myself right now is that I am a strip of ribbon and it has been cut in half by a rusted pair of shears. But because the shears were so rusted, it didn't completely, cleanly, break the ribbon. Each half is still attached to the other by a worn out, thin, frayed, and unraveling piece of thread.

 I feel so much. I do not want to fall into what I felt last spring when he and I left each other and communication for something bigger. This season is about growing as a leader and growing together. Both. No one is more important.

I do not want to be put on a back burner and forgotten.. It is something that could break me right now.

But that is something he cannot stop from happening. It is something only God will choose to allow or not allow. I have to trust that I am not on a back burner.

I want to end on a lighter note but I have no words. I have been listening to music all morning. All posted on facebook. And each song means something about a part of my life in some way right now.


Blind and missing you.

Higher, much, much higher, like Mt. Everest higher. 

His ways are Higher than my ways. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. (Isaiah 55) So many things I have done recently: not pausing to consider what God might want for me, just simply doing. I've impetuously followed a job, been acting on my feelings, I've tailed a slow car on the way home not knowing if God put him there, possibly saving me from an accident. The thing is, I can only see 20-20. Well actually, I have a few issues with distance. I need glasses to read the signs when I drive otherwise I become impatient, rude, frustrated with anyone nearby, and I get a head ache trying to see what is difficult for me to see. I realize that I have issues (spiritually as well as physically) with looking farther down the road to asses what could be coming. The next road sign, a possible accident, a decision someone could make that would alter my life completely. Oh my, yeah. I stress out when my vision gets blurry. I've gotten into a good habit. I wear my glasses regularly while driving. It's just uncomfortable to not wear them. It's hard to read, to drive, to keep watch of my surroundings. But I keep forgetting I have (spiritual)glasses too. But with spiritual glasses, I don't have to keep watch for anything except for Jesus' coming. I just have to keep taking each step in faith, not worrying about the next road sign and if I'll miss my exit 100 miles before I need to. All I have to accept is that His ways are higher than my ways, and so in essence, His vision, is greater than my own too. It's hard to daily say "Okay God, I don't know if I can take another breath, or if I'll make it to work or home alive tonight. I give up my dreams, my desires and use me each second you allow me to breath." I desire to bring a part of His kingdom on earth, but I desire a family, a marriage, a love. Ultimately, I desire all of that to bring Him glory. When each week passes so quickly, too quickly, and as I grow older.. it becomes so much clearer that I don't have a promise of tomorrow, and I take for granted the wonderful relationship I have been given. I don't want to do that. But I do not want to be selfish. I want to give each of my seconds for His glory. I'm just becoming impatient for the day where I don't have to do it completely alone. Because, until I'm married (If God still desires that to be a part of my life), I'm alone. Just with God. Alone. I do think however, I may have been looking 60 miles farther than I should when it comes to my relationship with my future husband. I am right here, waiting, in opposite sides of the state (soon different countries), growing, yet alone.. for a season. And all for a reason. But it's still hard. Not having communication a top priority right now. It barely feels like a priority, honestly.  Mm.. I have had this conversation too many times. Too many fights. Too many tears about it all. It is hard for me. I have to daily set this aside and not let the ache in my middle to grow and overcome me because God doesn't give me more than I can handle. I don't know how this turned from spiritual sight to this.. again. I have half a mind to delete all of this because I promised I wouldn't bring it up again. I just have to keep going. Alone. But only for now.. Hmm, I truly hope that we are still a part of His plan. It's been a fleeting thought of mine lately. I really do. This season is having me question my very belief of us. Of me. Of God.  If we weren't going to be. If you were not in my life like you are.. I wouldn't be thinking so seriously about marriage, about family, about following anyone but God. I'd probably take a loan out and go to a University for business and start my coffee shop/homeless ministry. Be more gun-ho about that, than I am. Right now, I'm honestly killing time and praying that I am actually growing while waiting for you. But that if there wasn't a you. There is a you. I love you. And I'm waiting for you. And I pray that we marry in His time. That i'm ready. That you are ready. That in the end, our choices, glorify Him. No matter what. So, if closing my eyes, ignoring the ache in my belly when another week passes by without finding out something else about that I never knew, hearing your voice.. and thrusting aside the 'miss you' feeling is what gets me to really buck up and grow, focus on being a woman after God's own heart and gets me through this waiting period. I'll close my eyes, and just drive. But I love you, I do miss you, but I don't let that break me. I've grown stronger and I pray I can handle the three months next year when you are gone.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0Uz51NJJxM



I know life is full of them. I've been through many of them so far in my almost 19 years of living; birth, two numbered age, teenage years, moving to texas, moving from texas, break of a close friendship, graduating highschool, beginning a courtship, getting a car, getting a job, a long distance courtship begins, going to school, getting a second job and accepting a leading position in a church. Wow. Next up I'll be married with twins on the way and I'll be moving out of country to a remote place only to survive on bananas which I'm allergic to and with little to none college experience and make money by beading necklaces! (Only God really knows, but hey, it could happen). Sigh. Transitions are hard. I really don't know how I should be handling them. I'm scared. And the transition I am in right now has me feeling as I am standing alone. My playmate, my best friend, my future spouse.. is away. God currently has him working away from me. Which is probably good to an extent otherwise in the words of Ray Blackston we could become the Couple Who Could Not Wait. But, he is away. Little communication available for us and then he comes back to an extremely busy year of school and paying off a possible loan. And I'll still feel physically alone. I'll be beginning my new job as a Certified Nurses Assistant opening possible doors for my future at a hospital if I even needed to work for money later on in life instead of the unknown ministry God is planning for my husband and I to work together.  All of this is the immediate transitions. What am I doing in my communicating with God about all of my life and what He's doing with it? Welll, I communicated about monies and what and how He could help me pay off the 700 dollar debt the IRS put me in. He blessed me greatly. I'm still humbled. I communicated with Him about the perpetual waiting I am in, realizing it isn't so perpetual and sneaking up on me very quickly. I could be married. Next. Year. That is scary. And exciting because I'll be starting a new transition and with my best friend. Fully able to start life, share fears, and allowed to experience the joys and bliss of married life along with the hardships and trials. But mostly for the first few months, the joys and bliss. But it's scary. I'm currently 18. Not that age matters. I've told God that often, and I have prayed that I could start early so I could live to my fullest with my husband and do whatever God has us do. And here he is! My future. Patiently waiting at camp cleaning kitchen pots and watching over bouncy kids all summer long. But I don't know, I'll be 19 soon. Almost 20. What am I doing? I'm working retail, going to college part-part-time (one class maybe two), and waiting on God and my husband to be. In retail, I know I am helping a little, one of my supervisors have been needed some love and compassion. She's been needing God and I'm praying that she fully sees Him soon! And I know if I wasn't there, God couldn't use me to help her. Sigh. Transitions. I see so many of my friends and family helping others in ways that are really good! God is growing everyone so much and in great ways. I feel left out. But then I was just offered this position as the Middle School Drama Team Leader. Wow. God is there where I can lead now? Grow now? Is there where you want me? I decided to take the position and if is it truly where God wants me, I'll learn as much as He wants me to and then He'll move me. If it isn't where God wants me, it is an open door that He'll move me through, I'll grow, and He'll move me out. Either way, I'll be growing and I'm trusting God to move me. Hmm... Transitions.



It's almost distracting to be outside right now. Distracting and absolutely breathtaking all at once. Sigh. That describes my life as of late. Full of distraction and breathtaking moments.

I sat down on my front porch with Lemon ice-tea and a cold turkey sandwich on whole grain bread( I do eat healthy! Please don't gripe at me because I have a few chips too).  My stomach feels extremely full, and my head feels almost starved. I cannot help but think of how my life is right now, where I am going, what I am doing, how I am acting, what or who I am missing. I feel the breeze on my skin and I know if I were with you right now, I wouldn't feel so cold. I actually sat down to work on my essay, but I felt the urge to write. Write for you and write for the few others who dare to read what I feel on a day to day basis.

I am not going to say that I am worrying, that I am scared, that I am impatient. Because even though I am all of those things.. I know I am in His hands. That He has plans for me to prosper me and not harm me. That one day, we will have our time.

I cannot wait to tell others when they ask what my ring means, that it isn't a promise to wait, but that a promise to stay together. To tell them that it once was a promise to wait, and that we now have been married for 'X' amount of years. I cherish the ring you have given me because even though it is only a material object, big and bulky :P, it puts a peaceful smile on my face because it is a physical part of you, with me, always.

I am used to it already, but I have no idea what our next year is going to bring. There is so much that you are doing.. for His glory and your growth. I am so proud of you and everything you are doing. I know I am not helping any, ahha, so I'm sorry. But I do understand, and I support you. I do.

Now I am really really cold so I am going inside and back to my current reality of my essay. I pray I get to talk to you soon. If I do not, I will be seeing you soon. I know this.

I love you. Oh so muchhhhh.



How do I fight this?

I honestly am not making sense to myself, I'm just writing my thoughts, my fears, my desires, what I know I need and what I don't see God doing here today. I'm basically throwing all these thoughts into a blender and pressing purée. Maybe something'll come out and I'll sift through it later.

Regrets of heavy words thoughtlessly spoken, run 'round and 'round my spirit. 

All's I know right now is that I am empty, I am tired, I need to do "this, that, and the other". I cannot wait for one month to be over. I'm weary of God trusting me with big things, I'm tired of everything seeming to fall apart.. and I'm tired of being negative

I feel inadequate to follow you, I feel inadequate to be positive for God. I hear you pray, serve, and finish everything you have on your plate.. all with a smile in the end! And all I feel I see myself do is gripe, cry, and try not to freak out when life comes barging at me. 

And then all I can believe is that I am the negative to your positive

"I'm tired of hiding my weakness. I'm tired of trying to look strong. I don't want to say that everything's fine, when there's so much that's wrong. Tell me again that You love me, though it's more than my heart understands. And I will lay down my disguises, and show You who I am.."

At college group three weeks ago, two weeks ago. We studied Matthew Chapter 13. I loved this week. This passage is four stages of life. God explains it too.. but there are times where "everyone" goes through each of these. We live in a fallen world and we just have to go with the flow. The bolded parts are what I feel right now..

 Matthew 13: 19- 23. When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.” 

Hahaha.. yeah. I feel so far away from God's voice.

I feel like I don't understand what God is trying to teach me. I feel as if I am being choked. I feel like I'm being stolen from. Some areas I understand completely. Areas I have already walked through and areas I have been given wisdom so I can give some wisdom on when wisdom is asked from me, share it. However, every other area.. area of compassion, area of kindness, area of selflessness, area of goodness.. all of those areas, I know and knew. I felt to an extent I could walk out this life somewhat successfully and humbly. Lately.. I feel as if I am fighting for patience, kindness, goodness.. love, true Godly love, from myself. I'm biting my tongue again(not very successfully). I look back on my life two, three years ago.. I grew so much. I understood a lot and God taught me and I heard Him. Loudly! 

I love God still and I follow Him and serve Him.. but I just don't get it. I should get it. How do I fight this?

I kind of feel like Eustace from Narnia. You know, the part where Aslan was clawing in his sinful skin and making him new and whole again. I can't do a thing. All I feel is the scratching pain, not knowing what God, big and scary, yet lovely and beautiful lion, is doing. 

Bread and meat. Bread or meat? Which am I truly consuming.

I read my devo today and basically: God gave the israelites manna to eat. Manna is bread. Bread fills you only a little. God gave the israelites physical bread so they can lean on Him spiritually so he can feed them spiritual meat. Yet they craved physical meat and demanded physical meat. What would they get in return spiritually if they caved into their human nature and ate physical meat? They would get spiritually fed, bread. Not enough to survive. 

Physically, maybe I have been eating meat. And Spiritually maybe I've been eating bread.. 

I am out of words. I need an all consuming wave to cover me and even out my life. I feel like I am stuck on a rocky surface and nothing is growing. How do I fight natural elements and instincts? 

I honestly do not think I can. When is God going to send that wave?



I love you. Where am I going with my life? I knew we have a future, we have a plan (or we're planning on being together), we have a purpose. But honestly, have I lost what God wants me to do until then, or what He personally wants me to do on my own now, and when I am with you? I think about my life as of right now. A lot. I am comfortable. With my business, my stresses, my joys. I am not satisfied, however, with not having you near, or that adventurous feeling doing God’s will gives. Am I doing God’s will? I think about how our life will never be normal. Normal how? As in, “Okay God, where are you sending us now?” Or, “ahh, will there never be a day where the same thing happens twice?” Is not normal about living in a remote country with literally nothing? Or not normal as in, each and every step we have to literally and physically and emotionally and spiritually say “where the heck are we going?” 
What is trusting God?
Right now, I don’t know what I am doing. For about two weeks, I knew God wants and still wants my attention these next 5 weeks. But I’m still counting down. How do I look forward to finally have a little bit more of an ‘us’.. at least for three weeks, yet let God teach me? 
How can we talk so easily about when we do this, or when we do that, or one day this, one day that.. yet we have no. clue. what. so. ever. this summer or next fall will hold?
I’m feeling shoved to the side. And I know I am. A God shoved to the side. But it’s still not a cool feeling. There nothing that can be done either, until that one day where I’m not shoved to the side, but standing at your side. 
I’m just thinking about a lot. I don’t know how to speak it either. I don’t even know what to think. These past few days, have really.. sigh, taken a toll on my joy. Which I hate. What have I done wrong to have allowed my joy to be diminished? What am I doing wrong? What can I fix?  Where do you not want me? Where should I be silent? Where should I speak? I am asking this, having no expectations for an answer. You can’t. You can only, sit back and pray. Not a different kind of fighting.. sigh. Only prayer. 
And I have to ask myself. Am I truly willing for God to teach me? Or am I just saying I want to be changed, when I really am not at all willing?



My mother told me I was deathly shy and rarely spoke before age three. My oldest brother was playing with me one afternoon with a plastic cooking pot, trying playfully to get me to speak. It worked like magic! I began to converse among my family and they couldn’t get me to be quiet. Yet as soon as I walked out the front door of our home, I clammed up. I did not look anyone in the eye or utter a single noise. Whenever a stranger walked within ten feet of me, I let my hair fall over my face like a curtain and the collar of my shirt went into my mouth to give me a reason not to speak. All I wanted was to be invisible. It took a pivotal situation in life to determine whether I either stayed mute or spoke, ending my silence.
Although I had friends, I was never the one to take the lead. I never initiated conversations, hangouts or the friendship itself. Into my teenage years, I followed my friends, doing whatever they wanted to do, whenever they wanted to do it. Countless times I found myself over at my friend’s house helping with her homework at two, three in the morning. Her thoughts became my thoughts, her opinions were fact and her life was the best of the best… until I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Please don’t get me wrong; I had opinions, big dreams, ideas, comments, witty jokes, snarky jabs, wise and sometimes unwise answers, and I yearned to share all of them. But I was never one to spit out a random thought just to spark conversation. I stayed to myself, smiling timidly whenever a question was asked, pretending I had nothing to say.
I lived in my own mind, totally unconcerned about the social world around me. I had a lonely thought process, accepting and believing that no one cared. As I grew older, I found it easier to speak when I wrote. I believed, or rather I hoped, that no one took the time to read my writings, yet I craved to be heard, that someone cared enough to listen. I knew I could not “write” forever, I desired to speak; I had to speak.
After years of being a follower to a born leader, I was weary. I had been pushed to the limit of my faith, of my morals, of my own existence. I had followed my friend for years, down the same paths, doing the same things, and all to keep my silence because I was too scared to speak. And then I was blamed for being silent, for being shy, for being a follower. What I had to offer in our friendship was not enough, was my fault. So I spoke up. I voiced my opinion about our friendship and that was not enough either. I gave my friend an ultimatum. She either accepted me the way I was, or forget about our friendship. In her normal way of solving issues, she wanted to analyze, hash out and bend my thoughts back to her point of view so all would be right in her eyes. And I replied with silence.
We didn’t speak at all for two months. On the occasion that we did meet, our falling out was brought up and I was asked to do things her way. So all I could do was say “no” and continue my silence. Because of my silence and standing my ground, I realized my thoughts were valuable. She realized she had not respected me. For once in my life, silence was my voice and turned out to be the most crucial thing I could do for our friendship.