About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


The Seams.

 A song, a thought, a picture, a word, a verse, the candle flame.. all have brought tears to my eyes today. None have brimmed over yet. But they could. I feel as if I am waiting for a word to break me. And one word could right now.

I haven't been this emotional in a long time. I have handled myself well. Extraordinarily well if anyone asks me. And right now, I am afraid my mother will come upstairs and see my face and blame me because I haven't taken my vitamins. I haven't exercised. I haven't taken medication that will help me.I haven't eaten perfectly.

I know she cares. But this is a fear and a "word" that can break me right now.

The words "I love you" from him can and has already broken me.

I need to write my essay. I've written a little bit over 100 words for it.. but I find myself here writing instead. The fact I debated over cows milk and almond milk made me tear up. The fact I've been munching on some m&m's while he wanted cookies. The fact that he still thinks I can do anything..

I feel like a worn thread.. I read my devotion and it is about ministry. Something it said was: "Sometimes, you just cannot work in a ministry, lead a ministry because you have to work on the priorities before it. Maybe your not attending will show someone that you value your priorities." I really like to believe that is what God is having me do.

I work. A lot. I'm scared because I am scaring him.

My back hurts every time I wake up and I do not know why. It is so sore.

The only picture I can see of myself right now is that I am a strip of ribbon and it has been cut in half by a rusted pair of shears. But because the shears were so rusted, it didn't completely, cleanly, break the ribbon. Each half is still attached to the other by a worn out, thin, frayed, and unraveling piece of thread.

 I feel so much. I do not want to fall into what I felt last spring when he and I left each other and communication for something bigger. This season is about growing as a leader and growing together. Both. No one is more important.

I do not want to be put on a back burner and forgotten.. It is something that could break me right now.

But that is something he cannot stop from happening. It is something only God will choose to allow or not allow. I have to trust that I am not on a back burner.

I want to end on a lighter note but I have no words. I have been listening to music all morning. All posted on facebook. And each song means something about a part of my life in some way right now.

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