- I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.
How did things become so bad so fast? How did something so innocent become one of the worst things I have done? Why are things becoming so conflicted so easily? Its like a fishing net.. all twisted and knotted just because that stupid boat that floated above it didn't realize it was over a net.. so that when the oar went down.. the net ripped. Instantly tangled.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to act. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what information I can give to anyone anymore. I'm sick and tired of wanting to cry! I'm sick and tired of crying! I am exhausted and everything keeps blowing up in my face! My relationship blows up with my best friend, another becomes a blessing with my close guy friend. That becomes iffy for a while. Then the blown up relationship is fixed and then my relationship with my mom becomes strangled. My close guy friend and I are good again then it is fixed between my mother and I, now my brother and I are choking?! Not to mention my sister, my brother in law, my father, and my other best friend.
GOD! Will you just quit letting this affect everyone who I care the most about? Why do I feel everything is my fault and I have to fix it! I don't know how to balance my life and stay sane. I don't know who I can trust other than you. I don't know what to say anymore.
I feel so lost. Can you stop the world, I need You.
I've been trying to write a blog since two days after my last.. but every single time I bring up this empty page to record my own thoughts into words. I become a blank. I can't think of where to start or what to write. Should I write my feelings down? Or should I put up something purposefully uplifting about what God is doing in my life? Should I put up my past experiences of conflicts and how the product was better than the process? Or should I just write to write? A story, a poem, a lyric, a paragraph, or just a word.. what I put down, I'm putting down to be recorded. Yeah, sure, I can delete it or not even post it. But what if I do post it? Once I push 'publish post', someone could come by in a second, read it and I could then change my mind and proceed to delete it. But that one person will have what's in my thoughts, my emotions, my heart, my soul.. in their mind.
I want what I put down to be meaningful. That is why I don't post often. But, there are time I really want to post (like now), but I can't put pen to paper.
Last night, I was fed up with feeling.. lazy, for lack of a better word. I was tired of just being. I want to know that my thoughts and actions aren't just being done in a selfish, vain, attempt to get the easy way out of troubles or problems that come my way.
I put on my mom's warm coat. Went outside in the snow. Lied down and looked up with my eyes closed and just worshiped. I was listening to music all day, but I needed God. I wasn't putting myself into his presence every moment of every day. Some would say, "You're human". Yeah, I know I am.. but I can do better than I have been. I know I can. So I sang. I sang whatever was in my heart and I wrote something. I was pretty excited cause I haven't done that in a long while. And today, I think I realize why. Maybe.. I'm not all too sure yet. But after I wrote what I did.. I posted it. It was great. But my thoughts weren't on the lyrics to God.. they were on "I wonder if someone would think this is good enough to be lyrics?". That isn't how it goes. EVER.
I'm truly sorry my thoughts were like that and I'm going to strive to be better, more meaningful..
So until next time, friends.