- I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.
I've been trying to write a blog since two days after my last.. but every single time I bring up this empty page to record my own thoughts into words. I become a blank. I can't think of where to start or what to write. Should I write my feelings down? Or should I put up something purposefully uplifting about what God is doing in my life? Should I put up my past experiences of conflicts and how the product was better than the process? Or should I just write to write? A story, a poem, a lyric, a paragraph, or just a word.. what I put down, I'm putting down to be recorded. Yeah, sure, I can delete it or not even post it. But what if I do post it? Once I push 'publish post', someone could come by in a second, read it and I could then change my mind and proceed to delete it. But that one person will have what's in my thoughts, my emotions, my heart, my soul.. in their mind.
I want what I put down to be meaningful. That is why I don't post often. But, there are time I really want to post (like now), but I can't put pen to paper.
Last night, I was fed up with feeling.. lazy, for lack of a better word. I was tired of just being. I want to know that my thoughts and actions aren't just being done in a selfish, vain, attempt to get the easy way out of troubles or problems that come my way.
I put on my mom's warm coat. Went outside in the snow. Lied down and looked up with my eyes closed and just worshiped. I was listening to music all day, but I needed God. I wasn't putting myself into his presence every moment of every day. Some would say, "You're human". Yeah, I know I am.. but I can do better than I have been. I know I can. So I sang. I sang whatever was in my heart and I wrote something. I was pretty excited cause I haven't done that in a long while. And today, I think I realize why. Maybe.. I'm not all too sure yet. But after I wrote what I did.. I posted it. It was great. But my thoughts weren't on the lyrics to God.. they were on "I wonder if someone would think this is good enough to be lyrics?". That isn't how it goes. EVER.
I'm truly sorry my thoughts were like that and I'm going to strive to be better, more meaningful..
So until next time, friends.