About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.



A couple weeks ago I was looking for a devotional book about relationships, how to handle them, whether you're ready for them, and if you aren't.. how to grow in Jesus so you can be ready. Well, it took me a while but I finally found the perfect book and it wasn't at all what I was expecting.

Sex 180 isn't just your typical relationship devotional book that says to not date in your teen years. Instead it shocked me and challenged me about how to be what I was looking for in a life partner.

This books, Sex180, is written by two dads; Chip Ingram and Tim Walker. They wrote this book because they want us to know what they didn't concerning relationships and sex.

At the very beginning of the book they say;
"Sex 180 isn't a new T-shirt wearing, jewelry-clad movement. It isn't another ad slogan response to real-life desires. It isn't another big stadium rally about abstinence. Its more than No and more than Wait. Sex180 is a new position on sex and sexuality than how the world views it. A full 180 degrees different." -Page 15-16

They gave statistics on how many teenagers have sex and how many married couples, christians included, have some sort of adultry outside of their marriage and how they lost their life, marriage and their spirit. All because the world today does nothing but show sex. Its on TV, in movies, in music, on the web, in magazines, in books, in high schools, in youth groups. People are having sex, reading about sex, talking about sex, watching others have sex, reacting to sex, and thinking about sex. It is extremely shocking what they found, so unreal.. but it's there. It was said. It's a fact.

In chapter Three, Chip and Tim talk about getting over our sick cultures view on sex and pump us up to fight for our sacred sexual lives.

"But it is also said that there is a part to sex that is not being told. Sex is a heart issue that people have made purely physical. We justify our sexual wants by saying "oooh, but we are so in love!"

In 2004, there was an epidemic of AIDS in Africa that caused the death of an estimated 3.1 million people, including 2.6 million adults, and 510,000 children under the age of 15. One person usually had 3-4 sex partners...

Look at the number of people addicted to porn; the requests for porn on search engines averages about 25% of the daily request. 34% of christian women admitted to intentionally accessing Internet porn- some of them to find out what their husbands were looking at, other due to their own internet porn addiction...

We need something drastic to change. We need a revolution, a second sexual revolution." -page 30-31.

"Our culture thinks sex is just a game.." -page 40.. it's not. It's more than just a pure physical act. It's more than being in love. It's more than showing someone affection. It's how you interact, it' how you attract. It's about knowing someone.. not just physically but emotionally, socially, psychologically, and most importantly.. spiritually.

But before we can act on this new revolution.. we have to let God change our hearts so we can really explain why it's more than 'no' and more than 'wait'. Our culture is looking for "why" and we have to be ready to explain the seriousness and sacredness of sex.

In chapter Six, Chip and Tim talk about the Extreme Makeover: Inside Edition.

They explain that God is serious about sex and thinks it is sacred. That is why we should live like IOU.

Inward character- You live daily like you are walking with Jesus. The music you listen to, would you want Jesus listening to that? The jokes you laugh at.. would Jesus be laughing at them? The movies you watch.. would Jesus watch that scene with you? The question is, what are you comfortable listening to, watching or laughing at if Jesus was standing right next to you all the time? You have to change you character. Start walking like Jesus with skin on.. to show you are serious, and why you are serious about sex. Ephesians 5: 1-4

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving."

Outward modesty- While God is changing your inside to be more like Him, He also wants you to do a makeover on the outside. He wants the things He is doing in your heart to be reflected in how you appear to others. God wants us to appear to others not by physical appearance but by our inner appearance. 1 Peter 3:3-4 explains that.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

"Make the connection between your closet and your faith so that people can see your beliefs in action, not your navel. That will attract people's attention." -Page 77-78.

Upward devotion- I'll just quote the book here, it explains it best.

"Besides your sense of style.. you know what else is attractive? Your devotion to God. I think there is something very appealing about a guy or girl who is genuinely in love with Jesus. Someone passionately pursuing God. Someone who realizes that the missing gaps in his or her life are filled with God first- He's where they find completion. " page 78-79.

"If you want to build a lasting relationship, you will need more than great hair, a buff body, and a good tan. Those things fade quickly and are rather superficial. But when you meet a person with Upward Devotion, you realize they have substance, character and a beauty that wont perish with time. It's the kind of person you want to seek out, and it's the kind of person you want to be." Page 80

There are some deep things here in this book... but they are needed to live the life pleasing to God. It gives us examples and reassurance to continue to live out daily, IOU.

This doesn't even cover one tenth of what Chip and Tim talk about. I highly suggest going out and buying this book, or getting it from the library. I love it because it really brings out the truth of our culture today and how I personally can change it and how to glorify God in something that our cultures sees every day.

"IOU will involve some major God-honoring tactics. You many need to throw away some clothes, evaluate your outward appearance, and analyze some of your habits. But remember this: the outside should be a clear reflection of the inside-- a deep desire to please God." Page 81.


Unique but not alone.

For the longest of times I always had the thought process that I wasn't growing quickly or changing at all. 
I know I am but it sure doesn't seem like it when I compare myself to some other people. I've always felt that whatever I have been through or have done for God or what I've gotten out of doing something for Him.. it wasn't affecting me the way it should or that I'm missing something. And tonight Carlee Harrison explained me and what I feel so accurately.

"I've been blessed to have grown up in a strong christian family. I never drank, never cheated.. I've pretty much been the good girl.. except when I've been mouthy towards my family. Heh. But over all, I've strived for a more on a deeper level with God and its going good. Yes, I'm not perfect, and yes, I grow complacent but.. I'm going good. The thing is, every time there are testimonies going on and being shared, I think to myself.. '.. why I don't have a testimony?' ect ect ect. And when we had the burn service sunday to throw away the crap in our lives that get between God and us. I heard about what everyone was throwing away, and it was all this huge horrible stuff. I thought, I don't have any of that.. and since I didn't really have anything to throw away, I burned something miniscule and not important.. "

That's my heart right there. Coming out of Carlee. 

I never knew she and I were as alike as I thought. Or that anyone felt that as well. Then she went on to say the ephiphany God gave her. 

"Even though I don't have the horrible crap like some others.. God still grows me. Slowly sometimes.. but He still grows me; continually, and He is always there, when I'm complacent, joyful, sad, whatever. And He puts things in my life, through my family or friends to grow me. But I am growing as much as everyone else. Despite the testimony. My whole walk is my testimony."

I was so, I don't know if relieved is the word, but I was relieved I wasn't alone and I was shocked because someone felt the exact same thing I feel and also explained why she didn't have a testimony like others, and reminded me why I don't have one like the others as well. So I just thank God for showing me that tonight and it just really helped me realize the big important thing I've been confused about and gave me hope;

I may be unique.. but I'm not alone. 


More than me.

Sometimes you just are fed up with turning the other cheek; fed up with forgiving over and over and over again; fed up with letting everything and anything hurtful slide off your back. Sometimes you just want to scream back something and not care about that the achy feeling inside you. 

I really don't know what to say about this feeling except that it sucks. Every single time I get into an argument with my brother about whatever.. I try my hardest to go back and apologize. I don't like having a bull and red cape relationship with him.

I don't know how to fix it, or even how to ignore it when it hurts for God to fix it. I feel like it just keeps coming back worse and worse. But the thing is.. I've tried giving him his space.. It's like it didn't do squat.

Sigh.. but I know that I need to keep turning the other cheek, keep no record of his wrongs and still love him  through the hurt. It's all I can do actually.

Jesus did that for me. And I sinned. I sin. He's hurt by that more than I am hurt by my brothers hurtful words. 


One chance one choice one moment.

I'm going to be blunt.

We all had a wonderful, fantastic, breathtaking, life changing, renewing, words cannot even try to describe, time in Hotlanta. Can you agree?

BUT. I've noticed that since we've gotten back, how we are in church, cause that is the only time I see pretty much all of you, we haevn't been as passionate like we were in Georgia.

I believe Og is here. That he is in the way. That he is sucking us into his bed again. Now more than ever because we just got back from a spiritual experience where we all just fall over from the force of God's glory we felt there. 

Reggie Dabbs spoke at winter fest a few years back and one thing he said that caught my attention reminds me of Og. He stated that after ever time you get up from a fall, no matter the circumstance, after Satan kicked you down.. when you get up and knock the dirt, the hurt, the tears, the pain, off of you.. Satan is right there kicking you back down before you even breath. He wants you down. He wants us not moving.

How is that helpful?

Because when you are moving forward.. every time you get up it is harder than before. Because You are moving forward, every time you feel.. so attacked.. So dead.. you are fighting for balance. But like this quote, you can't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.. if you let  it overcome you, the topsy tervie feeling, the vertigo.. you will never win. 

If you have forgotten about Og, which hopefully you haven't.. but is mentioned in Deuteronomy He is the last of the Rephaim and has a really really big bed. It was made of iron and more than 13 feet long and 6 feet wide. 

Deuteronomy 3:11.

For those of you who weren't there.. Why a bed.. Why A BIG Bed? 

The bed equals laziness. Other adjectives are rest, contentment, sluggish, slothful, inactive, and my favorite lackadaisical.

But the word that describes the bed the most accurate is inactive. That word is pretty much self explanatory. You are not active. Not moving. 

Yes, God may tell you to wait, to be still, but that doesn't mean to be inactive.

When Mark preached the other week I heard what God was telling me. Intimidation. I am intimidated speaking up here, to all of you, with your eyes watching me. I am afraid so much right now. But I don't care because this is waht God called me to do this week. Og is intimidating. I'm not running though. I'm pushing his bed over. I'm making a difference. I'm encountering change. I'm moving forward. Like we stated we would in Georgia.

Now we ask "How"? It's summer, no school, no place to witness to our friends.

There are a ton of things we can do around here. There are families who need help. There are elderly who need help. Your neighbors need help. There are single mothers who need help. There are homless people who need help. There are kids just like those in Atlanta.. HERE.. who need help.

And we don't have to wait for Brian to plan a date at a soup kitchen to make a difference. Go there yourself and sign yourself up first! Make the move and you'll be blessed. 

Elijah ran and hid. He was intimidated by the queen. How many of you are hiding? How many of you are running? I know I wasn't doing anything until God showed me that Og was here. We released Og in Atlanta! He cannot be hre. He isn't allowed. Why have we let him come back! Even though Satan keeps knocking us down.. God still has us. We just have to keep getting up. Just keep moving forward!

And then, only then, we will reach our goal. We will reach those kids again. Will we reach our church again. We will reach our friends again. We will reach Revival.

Like this

"We are trying to get a free tee shirt. Pushing and bumping into everyone.. but we keep working. We want that tee shirt so badly. So we keep reaching and reaching.. and finally, out of all those peole, we get it."

Are you going to reach with me?



I've grown up. I've fallen down. I've fallen for someone. I've missioned. I've cried. I've grown closer to people. I've grown farther away. I've doubted. I've been brave. I've smiled. I've laughed. I've hugged. I've driven 15 hours straight. I've been asked to be in a wedding. I've killed a bee. I've sung loudly and carelessly. I've held a hand. I've prayed. I've been changed. 

I'm different. So why do I still feel like I am on a back burner?

 I told my friend that I feel like I am pot being boiled. Like my pot of water is still lukewarm and waiting to boil. And I have to be patient. It's not that patience is hard for me, it's because everything is quiet, I feel like I am being defeated. The silence is killing me. I feel like I am sitting still and not making any difference. But like the saying.. 'a watched pot never boils' so I am having a difficult time not watching my pot and just watching God. 

But sometimes you can put the noodles in beforehand and make a difference, make the noodles a little soggy, before the water boils. The thing is, I don't know if my noodles are in. I'm having a difficult time discerning my noodles in life.

If you didn't catch it, I'm the nonboiling water. And the noodles are problems or people or situations or opportunities or actions in my life. And the pot is life. God is the flame.

So I'm trying to make all this jumbled mess sense.

*Pot = life
*Water = me
*Flame = God
*Noodles = stuff

Life is different. I went on the missions trip to Atlanta, Georgia last week. Man.. God showed me, silently I may add, not meanly, just as a mater of factly, that feelings don't matter when I am worshiping Him. I choose to love and I have to choose to not let Og the giant, with a major big bed, control my life. That is difficult. 

And at the City of Refuge.. those kids. I don't know why I didn't get to know them as closely as some others. Maybe I don't know how, maybe that is a quality that I lack. Confidence and common sense. Now I am just bashing on myself.. those kids miss not just me, but everyone. I gave my number to two girls.. Brianna and Erica. Brianna has called me back. I've talked to her once so far and I miss her. More now than the day I left last week. I don't know why it hit me so much later. I know I want to mission, and I love kids and after working at the refuge, I know I want to do that forever. No matter what. I'm just a little scared if I am ready. If I did a good job. I've been told "I'm proud of you".. but I didn't do anything special. That sounds so whiny. I just feel inadequate. Most of my friends got shout outs. Now that sounds so self-centered. And it's not that I wanted one, I just feel like other people did a better job than I did. I don't know. I don't want to be better, I just wanted to make a difference and grow. 

Dear God, I pray that I grew. That something that happened that week make evidence in my life that I am different. For your glory, Amen.

Me. I guess also in GA, that I feel like I wasn't changed majorly. Like God didn't impact my life full force. But I know He did silently. Man.. I know He did. He showed me that I can worship anywhere and everywhere. That I make the difference, I just have to put the goal in my face and then set out alllll force for it. He showed me that Loving Him isn't because of the song, but because of my attitude. And more.. but all silently. Now I just want to be at peace that the state I am in, the peaceful, quiet, noiseless state I am in.. is where I am supposed to be.

God, I want His passion so bad. Dear Lord, strike a match and bring out your passion in me and my youth group. If someone leads, call me out to follow. If I am to lead, then lord.. show me to follow You. Amen.

Noodles, Hm.. Yeah. Lots of things. Too many to name. But they are there. They are God's and they are getting wet in the end and will become done soon enough. And I will be burning again.

~All the earth will sing Your praise
The moon and stars, the sun and rain
Every nation will proclaim
That You are God and You will reign~