- I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.
Life, such a fickle thing.
It goes up and it goes down. But you always have a choice on how to look at it.
Again, hard things keep coming at me. I see it as Satan trying to get me to fall again. Well, Not this time. Not again. Even though it was crazzzzzzyyy hard. I did it again. But I didn't do it by myself. God had to be holding me the whole time or I would collapse under the hurt, strain, pain, and stress. I felt like I would.. and once I almost did.
You see, I was having issues following through with not worrying about my relationship with one of my very close friends. Well, in doing that, I also had to be very firm with another one of my friends and my close friend wasn't happy. She was disgusted with my attitude and talked down on me on how I treated the situation. So I told her it really wasn't her business. And she was mad. She kept talking and wanting to talk about it. I refused because I can't. I can't speak to her in public about this or I'll fall. It is something I know I couldn't do. I know God has me and wouldn't let me down. But this was something I couldn't do. If we talked, we would have hashed it out so much that I would be over stressed and I would have fallen. I would have let her because I love her. I wasn't strong enough to say no. She was my weakness.
Well, I said no. I said no to the point where she now isn't my friend. She has ignored me.. and I thought I was fine because I knew I did the right thing. I didn't let her, I didn't let Satan, beat me down again. I thought I was okay because I finally stood my ground. Well, apparently being okay and saying it are two different things.
I cried myself to sleep last night because I didn't know I was affected that much. I guess I was naive to think that because she was my best friend.
I'm still battling it too. I feel like I am a bad person because I know she is upset and to her, I'm the reason why. That is wronggggg! I am reading this book. The Invisible War by Chip Ingram. I promise, this was God given because I got this book during this whooooole thing with my friend. Well, in this book it says the wearing the breastplate of righteousness is protecting your heart. Living out the life of Jesus. But first you have to have the belt of truth on. (The Bible, knowing it). Anyway, trying to live like this, and actively wearing this armor if hard, but worth it. But Satan actively pursues you because he wants you down. He whispers that you are a "bad friend, a bad christian", and alllllll sorts of stuff. But when you really wear the armor, you realize, and recognize and live like you are saved BY grace and you ARE whole. That is a bigggg difference.
So, the saying, you become the strongest through your weakness is real. Throughout all of this, I have become stronger. I stood up for my family, for myself and I am being ME. Finally. God has given me all sorts of friends who have been there for me and are the right influence for me. I could say more on my other friend who hate me, but I wont dis or down her. She needs prayer. That is all I ask.
But thank God that I am Becoming who I am.