About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


Maintenance Required.

I was driving home from babysitting my Pastor's kids and I glanced down at the bright yellow light for a second, which informs me that I need to change Sammy's oil. I was already in a deep and thoughtful mood because of some things from last night's service at Freedom Christian Church's APEX, so it just made sense when I realized that I am flashing that bright yellow light and I require some maintenance.

So.. here I am. With absolutely no control (because I gave my life up to God and He's in control). I'm scared, I'm dirty, I feel alone and I'm running on E. I have no idea where God is driving me and I am trying to fix what is wrong. I realize I am responsible for Sammy because he cannot go to the store on his own and buy tires, oil, windshield wipers and give himself a bath. I have to do that. Yet, I cannot grasp that I am the car, and God is the driver. God is in charge of fixing me.

Like mother like car.. Sammy and I are one and the same. Yet in my case.. I am the car, God is the driver. The road I am currently on is really bumpy, there are so many sharp twists and turns, it's extremely muddy, I can't see well at all, it's pouring rain, it's dark and foggy too, and I am afraid God is driving me off a cliff.

I am a freaking car. 

I cannot fly. 

Our maintenance lights are on, mine and Sammy's, and we both need some TLC. So here is a list of what Sammy and I both need:

*Our windshield wipers are broken and the rubber thing is falling off.

Windshield wipers are necessary to push the water off my window when it rains so I can see. Duh, BUT, my windshield wipers aren't working right because that darned rubber thing is falling off! In my life, I've been so frustrated lately, all I feel I can do is cry. My windshield wipers are broken and are not working. I don't know how to look at life clearly anymore. I need blue skies and a new perspective and it's extremely difficult when it's storming. I don't  want to get back on the road. Yet, God has the perfect vision and He knows where He is going.. I know I'm safe even though I'm blind.

*We need to have new tires.

New tires are very important, obviously. The car doesn't skid so horribly when you break and your tires have better traction to move forward and go up hills. And when it rains, they help make sure the water is moving away from the tire, so you don't hydroplane. My feet are weary from walking. I am in need of new tires. I need strong tires that won't slide on the slick ground after the rain when I'm coming home and up my driveway. I need new tires that are durable enough to maneuver through the snow (at least well enough for a Toyota Camry) and muck of life. I need a break where my feet can rest and stop moving so fast so I can get tires that fit well and are made for what I am doing. For what God wants me to do.  It's my armor. And I should wear my armor regularly. I don't some days and those are the really bad day's I have. My armor lately, has begun to feel heavy.. New tires (aka, God's armor) is the right uniform for me in this life.

*We need a bath and our inside needs to be cleaned out.

So, It may have rained yesterday and the outside of Sammy is clean-ish, but his inside is still pretty dirty. Do I really need an entire case of water in my car, six empty bottles of water, a box of cereal, six coats, a blanket a bag of chips, twelve pens.. ect. in my car? I'd honesty be fine with one bottle of water, two or three pens will do just fine, a blanket in the winter even!... but all the food, the six coats, all the litter that has piled up in poor Sammy is weighing him down and making him stink!

God has to clean me out and throw away the trash and dust off the ash and pull out the miscellaneous items that have piled up in me. He and I both want what's on the outside, to mimic the inside. And over the past few months, it has been growing and not decreasing. I know I need maintenance. But I don't know where I am or if there is a spot to rest any time soon so I can heal.

*Our oil needs to be drained and replaced.

A car's engine is the "heart" of the vehicle an needs to be maintained with the proper amounts of motor oil.

The purposes of motor oil are to-
Lubricate: When a car is started, engine parts create friction in the motor. Motor oil creates a slippery coating of lubrication so that the moving parts can move more fluidly. Without the oil, the friction in the moving parts of the motor is greatly compromised and the compression is decreased, resulting in the inability to reach optimal levels of speed and performance.
Protect: The coating of the lubricant  covers the metal that move against each other. If the motor oil wasn't there, it would wear the metal down and overtime, fail to work properly.
Clean: It also cleans the debris from the engine. As the oil moves throughout your engine, it picks up any debris when it travels and collects inside an oil filter.
Cool: Motor oil is also responsible for cooling parts of your engine. Without motor oil, your car is more susceptible to frequent overheating.
Restore: Some motor oils are also responsible for engine restoration. Synthetic and high mileage oils are formulated to restore the function of your engine.

Basically, as I read all those facts about motor oil (Yes, I googled that. I had NO idea what motor oil was really used for until reading that and thinking of it spiritually. Yeessshh it's obvious I am a girl. You still love me though.) I realize that staying in God's word and in a constant relationship with Him, is keeping myself up to date and conscious of my mileage. So I can let Him know I need a break and I need restoration. I've been in a relationship with God for a long time, and I know I'm very self sacrificing (not being proud).. I try and do everything and be happy, keep my mood up, do the right thing, be there for my friends and family, do this and do that.. ect. But I never pay attention to my own body and my own spirit and my own mind because I felt selfish. My relationship with God and His love is here to lubricate my life so that when troubles and bumps and curves come around.. I'm covered from the harsh friction in my heart. His love and relationship is here to protect me and cleanse me of the debris that I pick up from living life. His love is here to cool me when I'm angry and frustrated and overwhelmed by life. His love is here to restore me.

It wasn't one big thing that happened to make me in need of maintenance. Life happens. You need a tune up sometimes,  a vacation, a cleaning, an oil change, a check here and some air here. It's not that I'm broken or sinning or failing. I just need help to be rejuvenated. I am truly dependent on God because I can't do anything without Him... especially if He is driving my life.

Lift my spirit:dayseven.

Good things that happened this week.

Ahha. To be honest, I don't really remember much of my week, much less the good that has happened, but I'll try..

*Even though it's still bittersweet, I saw my best friend again. Got a few hugs. Still so bitter yet always sweet

*I pushed the entire backroom on Tuesday! (I scanned all of the overstock items in the backroom and pulled what could go out)

*So, silly me, I didn't give my doctor the correct medical insurance card because I didn't know it was activated (I don't remember if my mom told me when) soo.. I had bloodwork, a shot, and a prescription. Overall.. I owed over 1000$ and I don't have it. So, thank You God, that I gave the correct medical insurance to both my doctor's office and the bloodwork lab and now I don't owe a penny. *giantsighofrelief*

*I finally made it to CRU at Carroll and met a whole bunch of people and ran into people I know and it was nice.

So, I'm done trying to think of more good things..


Lift my spirit:daysix.

  1. Your favorite things – what brings you joy?

Promises from God.
Good news.
Seeing God move in an incredible way.
Meeting new friends.
Knowing that I can be confident.
My beautiful niece.
Driving with the windows down on a warm day.
Seeing a child smile at their face painting.
Watching someone receive a gift unexpectedly.
Ideas for a coffee shop.
The smell of old books.
Songs that speak my life in a pretty melody.
Knowing God has me in His hands even though I feel completely alone.
Bubble baths.
Movie nights and staying up all night with my best friends.
Raw cookie dough.
Knowing I'm loved despite how unworthy I am (which humbles me and makes me feel like I shouldn't be loved ;) haha.. Weird right?)

Well anyway, I guess this turned into things that I smile at.. though I do find joy in these.


Lift my spirit:dayfive

5. Books you’ve read.

Hahaha.. here we go:
The Bible.
Naked Fruit.
Harry potter series.
Twilight series.
Nora Roberts Three Sisters Island trilogy.
A Skeleton in God's Closet. 
The Narnia Series.
Terry Goodkind Series, Sword of Truth.
The Hiding place. 
In His Steps.
The Miracle Worker.
Power of a Praying Wife.
Joy for a Woman's soul.
7 things he'll never tell you.
Crazy Love
The Dream Giver.
i am not but I know I AM
High Heels in High Places.
Living a life that matters.
Ten Prayers God always says Yes to.
The Screwtape letters.
Chicken soup for a teenage soul 1 and 2
Better Together- What on earth are we here for?
The Invisible War
Maximum Ride series.
The Sweet and Far thing
Rebel Angels
A Great and Terrible Beauty.
In the company of Secrets
A Lady of Hidden Intent
A Bride in the Bargain
The measure of a Lady
Courting Trouble
A Bride most Begrudging
Love Comes Softly.
A Delirious Summer
Lost in Rooville
Wuthering Heights
Jillian Dare
20000 leagues under the sea
Romeo and Juliet
Peter Pan
Pride and Prejudice.
Dark Force Rising
The Crystal Stay
The Courtship of Princess Leia
Children of the Jedi
Jason and Jana Starwars Series 
The Hobbit
Lord of the Rings
Dear John
The Serpent's Shadow
By the time you read this
The Theif Lord
Catch a tiger by the toe
The book theif
I am the messenger
Confessions of a closet Catholic
Always in September
Kissing Adrien
Cuba 15
Victora Holt's books (like 20)
There are a billion other books.. but these are the one's I own. Haha.


Lift my Spirit:dayfour.

4. Places you want to go.

Not of this country:
Islands off of Asia.

Of this country:
Greenville, North Carolina.
New England.
The four corners.


Lift my spirit:daythree

Places I've been.
I haven't been to many places. And when I've traveled-traveled.. I was little, so I don't remember them all.
The top three places I really remember going to recently are all mission trips, so I'll explain what each of those places did for me.
1. Bouxli, Mississippi.
My first real missions trip. Sigh, I was thirteen. I don't remember doing much other than learning about myself during this week. I realized about friendships and what it takes to keep them going. What innocence was (now that I look back on my life). I realized that the leaders who poured into me, still pour into me and how much they really do, do for the youth. Financially, spiritually, emotionally.. everything. It's not so much that I grew then. It's how much I've grown since then. 
2. At(hot)lanta, Georgia.
Mm.. this one, I was sixteen. I realized a lot of things on this trip. I realized that a relationship is better off starting as friends. Always. Which is how and when I started my first "official" relationship. I realized that moving forward is very important, even though it is so easy to fall back into laziness and stay in a rut. That God never gives up. Ever.
3. NYC, New York.
This is the last one I've been on. It's also the most recent. I went last year. I was seventeen. I honestly don't remember much about it.. I know I learned how to get out of my shell to speak about Christ (Which is still a hard thing for me to do). I made new friends. I learned that there are more homeless around than I realize, and they look normal. They aren't the scraggily looking men with the tin cup on the corner of a street. They have lives and stories. Most are really sick and can't help themselves, true, but they are still people and need to be loved. One thing that stuck out to me was that I can make a difference. Even if It's just smiling and saying hello to a stranger.


Lift My Spirit:daytwo.

2. Things I am grateful for.

*A home.
*A loving family.
*Someone who can listen to me.
*Bread out of the hot oven.
*Music that speaks to me.
*A job.
*The ability to go to school.

.. and these are only a few of a lot more things I am thankful for.


Lift my spirits:day one.

1. People I am inspired and influenced by.
Bobbi Hollingsworth. She has been there for me in many hard times. I know I can email her, call her, text her or talk to her about anything. She will give me Godly wisdom, motherly advice, a friendly hug, and a patient ear. She has been through a lot.. see, her heart stopped beating for a few minutes. She was technically dead’.. but she is alive. She has a new heart, in more than one way. She lives each day grateful for every breath. She wakes up and she praises God for keeping her on the earth one more day to live out His name. She deals with a lot of things in life from stupid coworkers, a broken heart, fear.. as we all do, but she stays positive and she worships her God. No matter what. I want to have the faith and endurance she does one day..
 Nathaniel Paul Dubyoski. He is my best friend. He is my partner in life. He is my future. He is one who will never put me down or put me out. He will disappoint me, he will fail me, he may leave me for a time.. but he will always love me. He moves forward no matter how hard, or how much or what he has to let go. Even if it is the one thing that you know that you’ve been given for this life on earth. He loves passionately, he respects his leaders and peers no matter what they do or say, he gives because he wants to to love, because it’s nice. He’s always there for his friends, no matter who they are or how late it is. He thinks of himself last. He worships because he knows God deserves it. He’s confident in himself, in who he is to God. He’s someone I look up to {literally haha,}.. and someone I know who will always be here for me, even when he physically cannot, and I know he’ll point me to God when I need it.. especially when I don’t know I need it. He inspires me to be better than I am..


Valentines Day

 Filled with red roses in a bunch of 12, picnics or romantic candlelight dinners, walking on a frozen lake or sitting in front of a fire. I don’t want to forget the given and received candy conversation hearts.
At college group on Valentines Day, during worship, I had a whole bunch of candied conversation hearts in my lap. I was very distracted throughout worship. I don’t rightly know why either… but as I was sitting there, doing my best to meditate on God, I was looking at the conversation hearts and what they said.

*I love you. Meet me. Thinking of you. All mine. Ask me. Hello. True love. You are special. Be mine. *

And the neatest part was what they meant to me right then.

God was speaking to me.

He was telling me He loved me. The He was thinking of me. That I am His. That He loves me with the truest of true love. That I am special. That He wants me to accept I am His, completely. And He’s always initiating. I never have to say “Hello God” and He’ll be taken off his guard. He’s thinking of me before I even think of Him. ALWAYS. There is never a second I am ever off His mind. 

So in the end, conversation hearts, aren’t just candy, they are really God speaking to you.


The words I couldn't say.

Dear Mister,

The only words I could verbalize were "Hush, I'm praying" and "I love you."

The words I couldn't say are going to be written here for you. I don't know if I should be writing to you, speaking to you, or thinking of you right now but I will think of you, and I will write to you until this is all over. Unless God tells me other wise. However, just to clarify, this is the only thing you will read that is directly written to you. This what I wanted to say last night. Its what I couldn't say last night. Its me. The real me. 100% of me. Wholly broken and completely lost.

So, "I'm sorry I was mute." I knew if I spoke, or thought, or took a single breath I'd break down. I'm so tired of breaking down. This is really hard. I know it's hard for you too otherwise we wouldn't have fought God for so long. I'm hurting, but I'm okay. Honesty, I don't know why I'm crying right now because I'm really fine. I believe our promises. God's promises. I don't understand why I'm so.. unbalanced. My thoughts are swirling around my mind so fast that I can't pin any thought down or make it clear enough to think much less say. When you first told me what you want to do because ultimately, it's the right thing to do, its honoring God and its doing His will for your life right now... I relented. I knew what you spoke was truth. And I won't fight you. I can't fight you. Who am I anyway, to ask you to do something you do not want to do? I didn't know how to say any of that to you then, because even more, I knew that it didn't matter in the end. You were going to follow God, let me go, and fly. So, I relented. I hope you accept my silence for what it was.

"I'm sorry I pushed you away." I couldn't think of letting you hold me. Comfort me. Encourage me. When all that was going to happen next was that you'd let go. I'm sorry I wasn't thinking of you. I'm sorry I'm still thinking that. Its selfish.

"I'm sorry I ignored God." I've known since God first said in November that we needed to honor all the rules. I honestly did try. I did do it. But I stopped. I didn't like it. I knew I was going to grow. I knew God was wanting to teach me. But I didn't know how to love you from afar. To be patient in EVERY way. I was selfish. I 'needed' you. I wanted to have as much as you as I could even though God wanted my attention and He wanted yours. I hindered you. I hindered me. I realize that I was keeping God from giving us everything we need for our future together. And I'm sorry.

"Run, baby, run." Even though that song is written from God to you.. those words are from me to you for right now. I will not hinder you any longer. I will not keep you tied down. I will not keep you from growing to who God wants you to be. To who you want to be. To who you are born to be. We'll have our time, I know we will. So I say to you.. run. Run as hard and as fast as you can. Until you see God. Until you encounter His glory. Until you learn everything He wants for you and everything you've missed while we were talking. Run.

"I'm praying for you." I always will. I'll never stop. Every night. Every morning. You'll be in my prayers. For your strength. For your endurance. For you to not miss me. For you to grow. For you to be safe. For you to accept. For your future. For your plans. For your hopes. For your dreams. For your clarity. For your health. For your thoughts. For your actions. For your desires to be holy. For you to hear from Him. For you to understand Him.

Mister, I'm okay. I'm letting go. I'm letting God. Right now its hard and it hurts. But I know part of it's because I didn't listen to God. Because I messed up. Because I missed out on God. Because I had you mess up and miss out too. Because I know it might be harder than it would have been before because I didn't accept what God wanted and I grew closer with you. Sigh.. I just have to take each day at a time. And I will. Starting it out with God and letting Him hold me.

I love you. That will never change. My promise is sure. That will not change. At the end of this.. We'll be stronger because we're letting God change us now. I know it.

So, run baby. Run and grow.