About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


Maintenance Required.

I was driving home from babysitting my Pastor's kids and I glanced down at the bright yellow light for a second, which informs me that I need to change Sammy's oil. I was already in a deep and thoughtful mood because of some things from last night's service at Freedom Christian Church's APEX, so it just made sense when I realized that I am flashing that bright yellow light and I require some maintenance.

So.. here I am. With absolutely no control (because I gave my life up to God and He's in control). I'm scared, I'm dirty, I feel alone and I'm running on E. I have no idea where God is driving me and I am trying to fix what is wrong. I realize I am responsible for Sammy because he cannot go to the store on his own and buy tires, oil, windshield wipers and give himself a bath. I have to do that. Yet, I cannot grasp that I am the car, and God is the driver. God is in charge of fixing me.

Like mother like car.. Sammy and I are one and the same. Yet in my case.. I am the car, God is the driver. The road I am currently on is really bumpy, there are so many sharp twists and turns, it's extremely muddy, I can't see well at all, it's pouring rain, it's dark and foggy too, and I am afraid God is driving me off a cliff.

I am a freaking car. 

I cannot fly. 

Our maintenance lights are on, mine and Sammy's, and we both need some TLC. So here is a list of what Sammy and I both need:

*Our windshield wipers are broken and the rubber thing is falling off.

Windshield wipers are necessary to push the water off my window when it rains so I can see. Duh, BUT, my windshield wipers aren't working right because that darned rubber thing is falling off! In my life, I've been so frustrated lately, all I feel I can do is cry. My windshield wipers are broken and are not working. I don't know how to look at life clearly anymore. I need blue skies and a new perspective and it's extremely difficult when it's storming. I don't  want to get back on the road. Yet, God has the perfect vision and He knows where He is going.. I know I'm safe even though I'm blind.

*We need to have new tires.

New tires are very important, obviously. The car doesn't skid so horribly when you break and your tires have better traction to move forward and go up hills. And when it rains, they help make sure the water is moving away from the tire, so you don't hydroplane. My feet are weary from walking. I am in need of new tires. I need strong tires that won't slide on the slick ground after the rain when I'm coming home and up my driveway. I need new tires that are durable enough to maneuver through the snow (at least well enough for a Toyota Camry) and muck of life. I need a break where my feet can rest and stop moving so fast so I can get tires that fit well and are made for what I am doing. For what God wants me to do.  It's my armor. And I should wear my armor regularly. I don't some days and those are the really bad day's I have. My armor lately, has begun to feel heavy.. New tires (aka, God's armor) is the right uniform for me in this life.

*We need a bath and our inside needs to be cleaned out.

So, It may have rained yesterday and the outside of Sammy is clean-ish, but his inside is still pretty dirty. Do I really need an entire case of water in my car, six empty bottles of water, a box of cereal, six coats, a blanket a bag of chips, twelve pens.. ect. in my car? I'd honesty be fine with one bottle of water, two or three pens will do just fine, a blanket in the winter even!... but all the food, the six coats, all the litter that has piled up in poor Sammy is weighing him down and making him stink!

God has to clean me out and throw away the trash and dust off the ash and pull out the miscellaneous items that have piled up in me. He and I both want what's on the outside, to mimic the inside. And over the past few months, it has been growing and not decreasing. I know I need maintenance. But I don't know where I am or if there is a spot to rest any time soon so I can heal.

*Our oil needs to be drained and replaced.

A car's engine is the "heart" of the vehicle an needs to be maintained with the proper amounts of motor oil.

The purposes of motor oil are to-
Lubricate: When a car is started, engine parts create friction in the motor. Motor oil creates a slippery coating of lubrication so that the moving parts can move more fluidly. Without the oil, the friction in the moving parts of the motor is greatly compromised and the compression is decreased, resulting in the inability to reach optimal levels of speed and performance.
Protect: The coating of the lubricant  covers the metal that move against each other. If the motor oil wasn't there, it would wear the metal down and overtime, fail to work properly.
Clean: It also cleans the debris from the engine. As the oil moves throughout your engine, it picks up any debris when it travels and collects inside an oil filter.
Cool: Motor oil is also responsible for cooling parts of your engine. Without motor oil, your car is more susceptible to frequent overheating.
Restore: Some motor oils are also responsible for engine restoration. Synthetic and high mileage oils are formulated to restore the function of your engine.

Basically, as I read all those facts about motor oil (Yes, I googled that. I had NO idea what motor oil was really used for until reading that and thinking of it spiritually. Yeessshh it's obvious I am a girl. You still love me though.) I realize that staying in God's word and in a constant relationship with Him, is keeping myself up to date and conscious of my mileage. So I can let Him know I need a break and I need restoration. I've been in a relationship with God for a long time, and I know I'm very self sacrificing (not being proud).. I try and do everything and be happy, keep my mood up, do the right thing, be there for my friends and family, do this and do that.. ect. But I never pay attention to my own body and my own spirit and my own mind because I felt selfish. My relationship with God and His love is here to lubricate my life so that when troubles and bumps and curves come around.. I'm covered from the harsh friction in my heart. His love and relationship is here to protect me and cleanse me of the debris that I pick up from living life. His love is here to cool me when I'm angry and frustrated and overwhelmed by life. His love is here to restore me.

It wasn't one big thing that happened to make me in need of maintenance. Life happens. You need a tune up sometimes,  a vacation, a cleaning, an oil change, a check here and some air here. It's not that I'm broken or sinning or failing. I just need help to be rejuvenated. I am truly dependent on God because I can't do anything without Him... especially if He is driving my life.

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