About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.



I was made fore glory.

This statement confuses me. Greatly. As I have been reading my bible over the past few days, God has been teaching me about Himself. I am also reading Crazy Love and these first few chapters are about the basics of Christianity. Of God Himself.

God is God. He can and will do what He Wills. I cannot stop Him. He is something I should worship with fear and trembling. He is God.

But God also loves me. I am His creation. He is glorified in me. Which means, He takes great pride in me. He wants the best for me. He sent Himself, His Son, to die for me. To forgive me. So He can accept me and acknowledge(the Greek translation meaning to know intimately) me in heaven and on earth.

I was made for glory. I am wondering if I truly understand all of this. I have been marked by God. He knew be before I was born and created a plan for me.

 He predestined (knew) me (before I was born), He called me (has a plan for my life), He justified me (through Jesus), and He glorified me (takes pride in me).

Romans 8:29&30 For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, that he might be firstborn among many brothers. And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.

I don't know what to make of this.. I want to understand this.

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Psalm 63:1

That is my prayer.


The Seams.

 A song, a thought, a picture, a word, a verse, the candle flame.. all have brought tears to my eyes today. None have brimmed over yet. But they could. I feel as if I am waiting for a word to break me. And one word could right now.

I haven't been this emotional in a long time. I have handled myself well. Extraordinarily well if anyone asks me. And right now, I am afraid my mother will come upstairs and see my face and blame me because I haven't taken my vitamins. I haven't exercised. I haven't taken medication that will help me.I haven't eaten perfectly.

I know she cares. But this is a fear and a "word" that can break me right now.

The words "I love you" from him can and has already broken me.

I need to write my essay. I've written a little bit over 100 words for it.. but I find myself here writing instead. The fact I debated over cows milk and almond milk made me tear up. The fact I've been munching on some m&m's while he wanted cookies. The fact that he still thinks I can do anything..

I feel like a worn thread.. I read my devotion and it is about ministry. Something it said was: "Sometimes, you just cannot work in a ministry, lead a ministry because you have to work on the priorities before it. Maybe your not attending will show someone that you value your priorities." I really like to believe that is what God is having me do.

I work. A lot. I'm scared because I am scaring him.

My back hurts every time I wake up and I do not know why. It is so sore.

The only picture I can see of myself right now is that I am a strip of ribbon and it has been cut in half by a rusted pair of shears. But because the shears were so rusted, it didn't completely, cleanly, break the ribbon. Each half is still attached to the other by a worn out, thin, frayed, and unraveling piece of thread.

 I feel so much. I do not want to fall into what I felt last spring when he and I left each other and communication for something bigger. This season is about growing as a leader and growing together. Both. No one is more important.

I do not want to be put on a back burner and forgotten.. It is something that could break me right now.

But that is something he cannot stop from happening. It is something only God will choose to allow or not allow. I have to trust that I am not on a back burner.

I want to end on a lighter note but I have no words. I have been listening to music all morning. All posted on facebook. And each song means something about a part of my life in some way right now.