About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.



I've grown up. I've fallen down. I've fallen for someone. I've missioned. I've cried. I've grown closer to people. I've grown farther away. I've doubted. I've been brave. I've smiled. I've laughed. I've hugged. I've driven 15 hours straight. I've been asked to be in a wedding. I've killed a bee. I've sung loudly and carelessly. I've held a hand. I've prayed. I've been changed. 

I'm different. So why do I still feel like I am on a back burner?

 I told my friend that I feel like I am pot being boiled. Like my pot of water is still lukewarm and waiting to boil. And I have to be patient. It's not that patience is hard for me, it's because everything is quiet, I feel like I am being defeated. The silence is killing me. I feel like I am sitting still and not making any difference. But like the saying.. 'a watched pot never boils' so I am having a difficult time not watching my pot and just watching God. 

But sometimes you can put the noodles in beforehand and make a difference, make the noodles a little soggy, before the water boils. The thing is, I don't know if my noodles are in. I'm having a difficult time discerning my noodles in life.

If you didn't catch it, I'm the nonboiling water. And the noodles are problems or people or situations or opportunities or actions in my life. And the pot is life. God is the flame.

So I'm trying to make all this jumbled mess sense.

*Pot = life
*Water = me
*Flame = God
*Noodles = stuff

Life is different. I went on the missions trip to Atlanta, Georgia last week. Man.. God showed me, silently I may add, not meanly, just as a mater of factly, that feelings don't matter when I am worshiping Him. I choose to love and I have to choose to not let Og the giant, with a major big bed, control my life. That is difficult. 

And at the City of Refuge.. those kids. I don't know why I didn't get to know them as closely as some others. Maybe I don't know how, maybe that is a quality that I lack. Confidence and common sense. Now I am just bashing on myself.. those kids miss not just me, but everyone. I gave my number to two girls.. Brianna and Erica. Brianna has called me back. I've talked to her once so far and I miss her. More now than the day I left last week. I don't know why it hit me so much later. I know I want to mission, and I love kids and after working at the refuge, I know I want to do that forever. No matter what. I'm just a little scared if I am ready. If I did a good job. I've been told "I'm proud of you".. but I didn't do anything special. That sounds so whiny. I just feel inadequate. Most of my friends got shout outs. Now that sounds so self-centered. And it's not that I wanted one, I just feel like other people did a better job than I did. I don't know. I don't want to be better, I just wanted to make a difference and grow. 

Dear God, I pray that I grew. That something that happened that week make evidence in my life that I am different. For your glory, Amen.

Me. I guess also in GA, that I feel like I wasn't changed majorly. Like God didn't impact my life full force. But I know He did silently. Man.. I know He did. He showed me that I can worship anywhere and everywhere. That I make the difference, I just have to put the goal in my face and then set out alllll force for it. He showed me that Loving Him isn't because of the song, but because of my attitude. And more.. but all silently. Now I just want to be at peace that the state I am in, the peaceful, quiet, noiseless state I am in.. is where I am supposed to be.

God, I want His passion so bad. Dear Lord, strike a match and bring out your passion in me and my youth group. If someone leads, call me out to follow. If I am to lead, then lord.. show me to follow You. Amen.

Noodles, Hm.. Yeah. Lots of things. Too many to name. But they are there. They are God's and they are getting wet in the end and will become done soon enough. And I will be burning again.

~All the earth will sing Your praise
The moon and stars, the sun and rain
Every nation will proclaim
That You are God and You will reign~