About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.



I love you. Where am I going with my life? I knew we have a future, we have a plan (or we're planning on being together), we have a purpose. But honestly, have I lost what God wants me to do until then, or what He personally wants me to do on my own now, and when I am with you? I think about my life as of right now. A lot. I am comfortable. With my business, my stresses, my joys. I am not satisfied, however, with not having you near, or that adventurous feeling doing God’s will gives. Am I doing God’s will? I think about how our life will never be normal. Normal how? As in, “Okay God, where are you sending us now?” Or, “ahh, will there never be a day where the same thing happens twice?” Is not normal about living in a remote country with literally nothing? Or not normal as in, each and every step we have to literally and physically and emotionally and spiritually say “where the heck are we going?” 
What is trusting God?
Right now, I don’t know what I am doing. For about two weeks, I knew God wants and still wants my attention these next 5 weeks. But I’m still counting down. How do I look forward to finally have a little bit more of an ‘us’.. at least for three weeks, yet let God teach me? 
How can we talk so easily about when we do this, or when we do that, or one day this, one day that.. yet we have no. clue. what. so. ever. this summer or next fall will hold?
I’m feeling shoved to the side. And I know I am. A God shoved to the side. But it’s still not a cool feeling. There nothing that can be done either, until that one day where I’m not shoved to the side, but standing at your side. 
I’m just thinking about a lot. I don’t know how to speak it either. I don’t even know what to think. These past few days, have really.. sigh, taken a toll on my joy. Which I hate. What have I done wrong to have allowed my joy to be diminished? What am I doing wrong? What can I fix?  Where do you not want me? Where should I be silent? Where should I speak? I am asking this, having no expectations for an answer. You can’t. You can only, sit back and pray. Not a different kind of fighting.. sigh. Only prayer. 
And I have to ask myself. Am I truly willing for God to teach me? Or am I just saying I want to be changed, when I really am not at all willing?

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