About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.


This doesn't have a title..

I don't know where to start or what to start with. All I want to do in this moment is cry and cry hard. Eat some mint chocolate chip ice cream and cry again. I have made a million changes in the past year.. none of them I regret but suddenly the repercussions are hitting me and all I feel I can do is suck in and barely exhale. I'm overwhelmed by everything and I so desperately want control but I don't have it. I can't have it. I just want to be okay. Only time can heal this mess I am right now..

I'll wrap up a little bit of what I've done. A lot of it I'm still not fully accepting but it's hitting me nonetheless.

I went out of the country, to Ecuador with 25 amazing people, and I let go of a lot things that I took responsibility for that was not my burden to carry. I grew so much and realized I am crazy hard on myself. I came back with a fear and excitement of what was to come.

When I got home, it was difficult transitioning into life with the routines I gained over the summer. But I managed knowing full well that God has me. But I was thrown some realizations that I was not expecting to run into.

Six weeks after I got home, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years because I am not in love with him anymore, and with full knowledge that we won't get back together again. I gave my boss my 2 weeks, said my farewells to my parents and siblings, and I moved halfway across the country so I can eventually go to school.

I live with my older brother now and his two dogs, trying to find my place in a town I am not used to but strangely feel at home in. I am surrounded by new friends and old memories of everything I once had. I'm mourning everything that I was once so stubbornly for sure about; yet I am reminded I am making for myself a person. A new person. God has wrecked my world and in such a way I know I can only be more beautiful and I'm excited. Yet right now I am in pain. I hurt. I'm scared. I feel alone. I don't know how I can do this. And I miss, I miss.. I honestly don't know if I miss anything.  I miss the wonderful memories I have but I know I have a better life here because this is where God wants me.

I look at Facebook daily; I'm keeping in contact with my family and my coworker and my best girl friends... but everything else just honestly makes me sick. Sick in my soul and I feel bitter because I am not apart of what I held so dearly. I don't want to be bitter. I'm angry that I'm bitter.

This is where I stand. I have no ice cream, I'm crying, and I'm bitter. Tomorrow- I'll get up and live in the present. I'll make new memories and let the old pass away as God brings in the new. Tonight I'm caving in. I've been holding it in for so long but I don't care, it's coming out.

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