- I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.
The walls start breathing, my mind unweaving..
The butterflies are fluttering in my stomach as I type. My head is spinning, my hands tingling, and my heart beating faster than it normally dose. I feel like I have been spinning in circles. I feel like I am getting ready to jump of a cliff to go sky diving or something similarly nerve wracking. I'm freaking out. I'm scared. I'm wanting the world to freeze and my head and heart to finally breathe (for once in the past eighteen months!). I've been moving so fast, I've been doing absolutely everything, traveling by myself, stepping out of my comfort zone, giving my all, moving into an apartment, letting go friends, making big commitments, literally feeling like my other half is moving forward and yet, here is little miss me, stuck in the mud .. I feel like I've done absolutely nothing yet I can't find time for peace. I'm older, I'm much more scared than I was when I was a child. I'm wanting to run away and jump in my bed, pull the covers over my head and do literally nothing but breathe in and breathe out like I did when I was scared from a bad dream. I feel like I'm living in a bad dream and I've come to the point where I can't wake up.
Is that what growing up is supposed to feel like?
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27
That verse just popped up into my heart but I don't feel peace. I know I have to accept the peace God gives me.. but its hard.
I don't have a plan..
Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what the day may bring forth. - Proverbs 27:1 (again just popped up).
I have no idea what to do school wise, career wise, life wise.. I desire a family, a husband and a loving relationship that brings glory to God and brings myself joy and love, but I don't know if I'll even live to tomorrow, is desiring that useless now? Am I really desiring it to bring glory to God or is it for my own happiness.. no, I know that's not true, yes I want to be happy, but I live for God. I know that. I know I have to take each day as it comes, but.. right now, my feelings are so overwhelming to my spirit, I can't even think about the next second of my life. I don't know if I'll even have the next breath to type this next word. Each beat of my heart is a blessing, yet I feel so unworthy.. that its beginning to hinder my joy.
I live life only because God gives me life. That is what I'm feeling and realizing right now. Everything. EVERY single thing. Nathan, my parents, my friends, food, my apartment, air conditioning, internet, a cell phone, a car, a job, a family, a loving church, my health, a constant opportunity to witness, are all blessings and promises that God gave me. None of it is mine. None of it is from my own hard work. I live in such a positive and stable situation all because of God. I could easily be in the city, in a third-world country living on the side of the road with no food, no shelter, no hope, no family, no love.. nothing. I am extremely blessed. I have opportunities to learn, to sing, to dance, to grow, to be.. all for God. And I have things to be thankful for. And I am really thankful for them too.. but where am I going with all this blessing, all this hope and joy? How am I sharing it with others? How am I being useful and tactful with my time and my money and my stuff?
I can think of a few things, the bare minimum in my opinion (you'll have to judge if I'm looking down on myself).. I could easily do more. But then there is an issue that I have to face, that I know is keeping me from doing the 'more'.
I am sooo fearful. I realize that is what is keeping me from moving forward. More specifically.. fear of making a wrong decision. But I know that fear is silly. I'm going to make wrong decisions.. but fear still keeps me from going forward. I absolutely loveeeee, love, LOVE! this quote from a movie I've recently watched. This graduation speech is what I feel concerning my future, career wise, -
"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Out answers were things like, astronauts, president.. or in my case, a princess. When we were ten, they asked again. We answered, a rock star, cowboy, or in my case, a gold medalist. But now that we're grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this. Who the hell knows? This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; this is a time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love.. a lot. Major in philosophy, because there's no way to make a career out of that. Change you mind, and change it again, because nothings permanent. So, make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask us what we want to be, we wont have to guess.. we'll know."
Yeah.. that pretty much sums it up. That is what I want to live by (other than the Jesus, obviously) because, I don't need to know every step I'll take. I'll make mistakes, but its okay. God isn't calling me to be perfect. He's calling me to worship Him. To live for Him. To love life, tell others about Him and His love, to live like its my last day on earth and to hope for the future (which, yes, it could be any day that I'm called home to Heaven). So making mistakes and changing my mind and being my own person ( for God).. that is honorable, that is holy, that is something to look towards and accept as it is. Not this jittery feeling. That nervousness will pass away one day.. but my hope for God and for a better life, is permanent.
So yeah, I'm human. I'll mess up. But God'll deal with it.. because I sure as heck can't.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and when you seek me you will find me. " - Jeremiah 29:11-13.