Thinking and hopefully relaxing.

Over the past.. who knows how long.. few weeks at least. I've been thinking a lot. A lot about myself. No conclusion.. but I don't really want one cause I know I wouldn't like it. But that is why I love this song that I put in here.. but what I want to just spill right now is about my fear.

And a little side note: I kinda ultimately wrote this because I wasn't sure how else to say it. I don't even know if I really want to say any of it.. but I guess my deep meaning is an apology for my negativity lately. If its been too much I'm sorry. So I guess the next paragraph seems fitting. Hah.

I feel fear about a lot of things. But mostly, my fear is about my security in who I am. I know I am whole and completely in Christ. No doubt that I can't squelch there. I'm doubtful and insecure of what I do. I fear I speak worry too much to my close friends. I know the right thing overall.. but I stress until I accept the peace from God that He's given me. So I stress and I freak and I cry and I just.. scream! my worry until I realize its all tiny compared to my God.

(new thought) Sigh, I don't ever want to be stuck feeling obligated for my friends. I want to want to be their friend and love being with them. But when a few of my friends are so negative, I feel can't be in that friendship everyday like I used to be. Sigh.. but then lately I feel as if I haven't been with any of my negative friends at all. Like I've ditched them. And I feel selfish. I just hope that everyone realizes I'm not negative all the time.. and I'm not ditching anyone. I just wan to want to be with them. NO more obligations. Other than to my own family. That is why I am so glad God gave me some amazing friends who are positive when I need positivity and when they are down.. I can be positive for them. I love balance in this area of life.. and I thank God for it when I do have it. Only when I feel tired and when I've had enough of negativity. Which has been a lot lately. But I'm going to hope that they do. I know they do. My friends know me.. so they know when I am really stressed and when I'm happy. Sigh. I will believe it.

I want to live like that rascal flatts song when the sand runs out.

"I spent the morning at an old friend's grave
Flowers and Amazing Grace, he was a good man
He spent his whole life spinnin' his wheels
Never knowin' how the real thing feels
He never took a chance or took the time to dance
And I stood there thinking as I said goodbye
Today is the first day of the rest of my life

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out

'Cause people do it everyday
Promise themselves they're gonna change
I've been there, but I'm changin' from the inside out

That was then and this is now
I'm a new man, yeah, I'm a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they'll write these words
"Here lies a man who lived life for all that its worth"

And as the cold wind blows across the graveyard
I think I hear the voice of my old friend whisper in my ear

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out"

But doing this.. it looks soo easy, seems soo easy to do. But it's so much more difficult doing. I know it will be. :/

But I'm going to do it. I will. I want my grave stone to say that I lived life to its fullest, and ultimately all for God.