- I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.
April, 20th, 2012
That is what my life has been for the past few months. Complete hysteria. I have been blessed immensely- don't get me wrong, but everything that could go wrong has seemingly gone wrong in the midst of God's blessings in my life. I have grown in many, many ways.. I have become more of who I need to be in my own identity, I have gotten out of my own shoes more and into Jesus', and I have accepted some things that I normally would not have accepted because I did not think I could handle it.
I still don't think I can handle it; I am walking on a thin wire now as it is.
This week so much has happened. I don't see myself making it through the weekend- but I have to. I have to take one more step even though my muscles are screaming out for me to stop running. My heart is telling me to stop feeling but feeling and letting my emotions run their course is the only thing that will remind me that I am human and these feelings will grow my endurance. My mind is telling me to stop thinking, but I have to keep thinking, dwelling, pondering.. because that is the only thing that will challenge me to see the impossible and believe the improbable. But its so hard. I cannot go robotic 100% of the time, yet I find myself robotic until I am all alone and able to express my thoughts and feelings completely without hurting my sister, my mom or any of my friends because of my decisions and my thoughts and my desires! Yet- this numbness feeling watching my sister forget me, my best friend fall away, my girl friend push me to embrace the suffering I am enduring, my mother deal with this pain of watching her daughter fight a fight that only she can face... Gosh, why in the world is this happening?
I have no answers. No solutions. No reasons. None.
I just keep walking- reminding myself to trust that God knows what is going on and that He has the outcome under control.