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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.



April 14th, 2012

Anxious and nauseous.

God says to not be anxious and I know that anxiety is what is causing my nausea.

Glance after glance toward my cell phone and no response. Two days. I should not feel this way after two days. God has everything in control. Why am I so anxious and hurt? Did I place my heart in a position to be broken again?

Yes. My answer is an unequivocal yes.

But I knew that this would take time. And would not change over night. So what are my next steps? What move am I supposed to make? Am I to sit here and "patiently" wait for him to come back around? To acknowledge me and my part in his life? Or am I to make myself known and persistently remind him to be a friend? Am I to put our friendship, our relationship, in that precarious place between falling apart permanently and a brokenness we have no clue how to even salvage through awkward conversation even I do not know how to have.

I don't know if he is truly too busy for me or if I am sensing "something" that could remind me of that time.

Either way, this anxiety, I am constantly casting back onto God but I still feel this anxiousness when I do not receive back a text of acknowledgement, of an "I love you too", of "I'm still here.." It reminds me of that time where he cut out communication because he was more comfortable with that than dealing with a relationship and communication.

No response.

How will life, our relationship, our friendship... last while I am in Texas?

God I am so scared.

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