Best I can.

This song is me now a days.

"Been thinking about,

all of those lies you heard me say,

I can't make them go away."

I don't ever remember specifically, purposefully lying to someone. But I know I've lied to myself. I've lied to myself thinking that I'm not worth it when God says I am. I've lied to myself thinking that it doesn't matter what others think, when I know deep down I still don't trust God to really don't think about others thoughts and opinions on me. I can't make them go away, I never will. I still have doubt in me about my worth in my eyes, and about others eyes.

"Been thinking about,

all of those mistakes you've seen me make."

I've made mistakes. I'm human, it's impossible not to no matter how hard I try not to. I make mistakes. I;d like to think I haven't done a BIG mistake but there isn't a size on sin or mistakes. They are all the same size in God's eyes.

"When I can barely hold on,

you promise me you won't let me go"

This is telling me about myself. I can barely hold on to life right now. I am scared. So much. I'm scared to move again. Especially in specific areas of friendships where there are known to be issues. Even though God promises to never let me go, I'm still scared. Life is scary. But I wan to trust Him. I want to sooooo much it hurts.

"and I want you to know

I don't live a perfect life

But God knows I'm trying the best I can."

I know I will mess up again. It is inevitable. No matter how hard I try not to. I will. But God does know I am trying the best I can.. if other people don't think I am.. I don't care. NOT one bit. God knows I am trying the best I can. I don't want human recognition. Yeah, its nice to be told I am doing the right thing.. but for now, I just want to have faith I am doing the best I can.

"I've waisted so much time,

pretending I'm alright about who I am,

but now I'm living the best I can."

Enough said.

"I'm breaking down,

and now i've found

A reason to make it,

this time around"

I have a reason. I always do. I always have. God loves me. He loves me and He is always with me so I can do it. I can do it. I will do it!

"No matter where I go,

I want you to know,

I'm living the best I can"

Again, enough said.

"Now I'm living the Best. I. Can."

..I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." John 14:27 - Jesus.

Constant changing doubt.

This past week has gone extremely slow.. but I feel as if it is going too fast because I haven't done what I probably should. I want to cry because I am upset with myself again. I blame myself for problems going wrong. Problems I can't help feeling I created. Problems I can't help but feeling I wont fix.

I've been told that guilt isn't of the Lord and I believe that wholeheartedly... but guilt and a just conscious are hard to differ. I'm not sure if this is guilt or a Holy conscious to speak out.

I pray for peace over this if I am in the right, and I feel peace. I do. It comes but then the 'feeling' comes back and then I'm back into the pool of doubt I'm struggling to leave.

I've been told that I am right in this, but then I also have been not told I am right by someone I trust. I don't want to lean on man's understanding of right and wrong. I want to live by God's. But what is God's right in this? Did I mess up or did I do the right thing?

I want this 'feeling' to leave so I have half a mind to just fix it even if I can't. To do my part even if I technically shouldn't. Biblically I'm not even sure if I should. I just want this GONE.

I feel as if I don't do something to move forward from this, my not acting will take something from my life that I really want. Something God set apart for me. Something I prayed for. Something I am working on. Something that this situation I am in that is modeling me to be apart of this big thing.. and if I choose to not do a thing. I lose it. For good.

But what if I'm right?

But what if I'm not...

I feel old.

Thoughts at 3am.

I wrote this a few weeks ago and I've never posted it.. but now here it is.

I feel as if I am in limbo. I feel that I've made my decision to be somebody, yet I cannot be that person until I change how I act. How I live my life. How I choose. Who I chose. Who I live for..

And I have made the decision everyday.

I always want to choose God. To love and live for Him daily. But of course I'm human. I fail. I place earthly, insignificant things before Him. I choose to live for myself and then when my life starts to crumble and not make any sense, I go running to God. It's how it works. Never fails.

But I don't like that. I hate how I don't want to fix my issues. I want to fix them, but I don't want to hurry. I want to take my good ol' dandy time. There isn't time though. I could die tonight. In the next five minutes. And I wouldn't have a chance to show His love. To make the difference I want to make. I long to make.

I've had this feeling all year long.

I want to mission but is it really what I want? I didn't have the passion to mission until after I read Flabbergasted! I feel like I am copying Ray and I don't really have a passion that in my life.

But I know that isn't how it is really.. how do I know if God didn't let me read that book so I could gain the passion for missioning by simply reading? I don't. It is probably why, anyway. God gave me it.

Now comes the part I don't like. Why aren't I pursuing it?

BAAAALhgfwjrijilskgnjv.

Those are my thoughts. I know why I'm not going all in. I'm lazy, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm too young, I'm not the right person, ect. ect.

And there are bible verses for each one too. And are few that covers them all too. i.e. (John 3:16-17. Jeremiah 29:11.)

So, what then? Why am I not moving? Why am I not taking the necessary steps to change my attitude? Why am I not pursuing God with a fiery vigor that I know I have in my heart? Why am I not loving to the potential that God has placed in me? Why, why, why?

"Why" probably isn't the question anymore. It doesn't matter why. Never has, and never will. Because even though I don't feel the boiling longing I have to love others, doesn't mean I shouldn't.

Feelings are lousy leaders.

I try and not act on my feelings. Ever. It's always a bad thing to act on my feelings. If I did, I would have ran away when trouble came instead of finding my strength through a song God showed me. I would have drop kicked my sisters ex when he left her. I would have cursed out my step grandfather when he messaged me on face book for leaving me. Like I did act on my feelings when I left my best friend when we argued.

Lousy is correct. My relationship with my best friend is much different than it used to be. Harder. There is more doubt. More trying involved. An honest face straining to be real, means well, yet sometimes, it feels like it is fake.

But that doesn't matter anymore. It is a new relationship through the hardships.

My passion is here. Always has been because God put it there. And always will be until I deliberately mute it. I will choose again, like I will daily, I love. Love when it is hard. When it makes no sense. When situations don't call for it. And when I hurt. When I'm confused. When I doubt. Because.. loving the easy to love is easy. Loving hard to love, takes hard work and strength. And if I have that strength.. I can do anything I set my mind to.

Humbled and moving forward.

Life. Cynicism. Naivety.

Those things you really don't like to deal with.. especially if you mess up. You become mad at life. Become cynical towards doing the right thing and being the right person with Jesus. And you may even drift back to being naive because you don't want to mess up again and you'll have an excuse as to why you messed up instead of just making the wrong choice.

Eight months ago I made a wrong choice on how to handle a situation and I gave up too much information to my mentor of my friend and my friend found out/knew and our relationship was forever different. The other week I made a wrong choice, on the same subject, again. Again I said too much information about my other friend and now my friend has lost respect for me and we wont have a relationship like we used to because my friend is embarrassed. Because of me. I handled the situation wrong because I don't know how to act.

All this sounds like I don't know when to shut my mouth.. and I do sometimes. In this subject, its difficult to know when and I won't learn until I mess up. I've messed up twice and I'm done messing up. I looked immature, naive, silly, rediculous, and I acted like a fifth grader.

My close friend told me the reason she/he thinks why is (this my friend who I messed up with eight months ago, who still trusts me) because I was home schooled and never around the real world and temptation like he/she was. And is. They are right, I haven't been around it so I don't know how to act confidently around it. I know the actions.. but putting them in play is different.

Its like driving.. you know what to do, but actually doing it, especially for the first time, you mess up. You drive off the road, run a stop light, go 20 miles under the speed-limit, and leave your brights on when a car comes from your front.

It takes time to have confidence in hard to make decisions situations. You need to realize that God is beside you even through the mess ups. My friend who I mess up with eight months ago still loves me. He/she is still really close to me and is giving me time after time of second chances. I'm grateful for it. But I'm honestly embarrassed that I keep doing it.. putting them in a difficult situation.

My friend also told me that to act like a Good Christian Girl you need to be down with the sinners and make the right choice. My friend, not meanly, asked me when will I stop running to my parents when a situation like that comes up, giving alllllllll the details out that are not about me, but about my friends and my friends are embarrassed and don't want to trust me with details or come over. They think I should know better.. and honestly I should. But I'm second guessing myself still.. I don't want to. I know I have one person who will always listen and give me advice and already knows every single detail. If a situation comes up like that again, I'm not all to sure what I'll do, but God will help me. Because, like Jesus, He got down and dirty, without sinning, with the sinners. If you understand that.. thank God. Then maybe I should to. I'm going to have to make the right choices and make the first and let my Yes be YES and No be NO. Period.

So here I am now, hurt, confused, feeling dumb again, and tired. I gave it to my Papa, but its still here. I will apologize to my friend.. the one who doesn't like me now, from when I messed up the other week. If my friend doesn't accept.. then oh well. I tried. But it's still God's.

Finished.

I have started three new posts and I haven't finished a single one. I've started my math lesson and I end up closing the book after reading halfway through what it takes to do the work. I've swept half the house. I've done my laundry but it all laying on the floor. I've made my lunch but the dish is on the counter and not in the dishwasher. I am reading four, no, maybe five devotions. I haven't read my bible all the way through. I have the money for my license but I haven't signed up. I know what I am feeling but I don't say it out loud to whom it matters and concerns. I have three books I haven't finished. I started studying for my SAT's and haven't gotten back to it. I take my medicine for a few weeks then I forget and get sick.

Do you see the same patter as I do?

I never finish what I start.

I reread this blog that Bloom posted.. and it is exactly what I have been feeling lately.

" It is 11:30 at night. I look at the clock and sigh; I should start getting ready for bed. My exhaustion presses around me like the darkness outside. And my to-do list doesn’t make things any better.



I feel like a failure.



Instead of a glorious line of checks, there are only a few scattered ones. The paper that seemed so innocent this morning now glares up at me, a blatant reminder of all I have left undone. I fight against the tears that threaten my eyes, but it’s late at night and thus battles are futile. “It’s not even like I worked hard whenever I could but was gone all day or helping Mom or something,” I whimper. “I just…wasted…so much time. I procrastinated. And now look what I’ve done!” Now I really feel like a failure.



I brush the list onto the floor, and discover the slip of paper that had been under it. “Only God gets his to-do list done every day,” reads the quote from C.J. Mahaney. And it’s true, of course, and sort of comforting. But it’s also a nagging reminder that while He’s always faithful, I’m not.



I’m reminded of this a lot, actually, because there are many nights when I feel I haven’t worked as I should. I love this bit from the Book of Common Prayer’s “Confession of Sin” that prays, “We confess we have sinned against You…by what we have done, and by what we have left undone.” I love this, perhaps because it doesn’t always occur to me to ask forgiveness for what I haven’t done – be it a kindness or my schoolwork or so many other things. And on these days when I look at my list, realize all I haven’t done, and feel like a failure, I realize just how human I really am.



I am not God. I am a finite creature – and I will fail sometimes. Failing, of course, is different from declaring myself a failure: that is a lie, although one I am prone to struggle with when I’m tired. Yet it is precisely my failures and faithlessness that makes me more grateful for God. The world is not on my shoulders – it’s on His. And He is perfectly faithful in running it.



Faithful. What does that mean, anyway? It took me awhile to discover that it meant something other than “sticking to your to-do list” or “working diligently”. Yet it actually means “trustworthy.” No doubt a diligent worker is also a trustworthy one, but when the Bible talks about God’s faithfulness, it really means I can trust Him.



I can trust that He is working in my life even when I’m tired and feel like I’ve ruined everything; I can trust in His promises when life is difficult and I’m surrounded by shadows. I used to wonder to myself, “I know the Bible says I can trust God, and I know I can trust him completely with my head…but sometimes that message never gets through to my heart. How can I know He’ll come through on His promises? I haven’t seen it firsthand.”



Yet I realized something this year, as the nativities and ornaments and packages surrounded me on Christmas. God’s ultimate promise was redemption; His ultimate promise was that He would send Jesus, a Messiah, a Savior. And if I know that He did that, than I can trust Him to come through on every one of His other promises. In sending Jesus, He proved once and for all that He is perfectly faithful and perfectly trustworthy.



And that is comforting to me, even as I’m frustrated over my own lack of diligence. No amount of faithlessness on my part could ever change His faithfulness to me. Nothing I do could ever mess up God’s plans. And if He is perfectly trustworthy, than that means He will also come through on His promise to forgive me.



That is perhaps the greatest promise ever made. And that makes me grateful, even when it’s 11:30 at night. "

This is my life right now.

I have to do lists and I barely scrape what I really need to do. I do the easiest one first and save the more time consuming one for last. I don't even start. Or I start allll of them at once to get some done and I overwork myself and don't get anything done at all.

I really don't know how to fix this.. this procrastination. And when I say that I realize I cannot ever fix it. I just have to do it. And then I realize I don't want to do it because I am content. Gah, that word looks like a curse word to me now. Content. And I begrudgingly say that with a sour face.

I don't want to be content with that as a fruit in my life. That isn't a fruit God wants me to have. He wants me to produce self discipline. That word seems like a safe haven to me now.. daunting, but a safe haven because I know it is real.

To end this blog I am going to say I am formed against myself. My human nature is battling against me while God works through me. I don't even know if any of this makes sense to you who read this.. but I've made the decision in myself to finish what I start and not look back.

Peace out ya'll.