- I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.
Humbled and moving forward.
Life. Cynicism. Naivety.
Those things you really don't like to deal with.. especially if you mess up. You become mad at life. Become cynical towards doing the right thing and being the right person with Jesus. And you may even drift back to being naive because you don't want to mess up again and you'll have an excuse as to why you messed up instead of just making the wrong choice.
Eight months ago I made a wrong choice on how to handle a situation and I gave up too much information to my mentor of my friend and my friend found out/knew and our relationship was forever different. The other week I made a wrong choice, on the same subject, again. Again I said too much information about my other friend and now my friend has lost respect for me and we wont have a relationship like we used to because my friend is embarrassed. Because of me. I handled the situation wrong because I don't know how to act.
All this sounds like I don't know when to shut my mouth.. and I do sometimes. In this subject, its difficult to know when and I won't learn until I mess up. I've messed up twice and I'm done messing up. I looked immature, naive, silly, rediculous, and I acted like a fifth grader.
My close friend told me the reason she/he thinks why is (this my friend who I messed up with eight months ago, who still trusts me) because I was home schooled and never around the real world and temptation like he/she was. And is. They are right, I haven't been around it so I don't know how to act confidently around it. I know the actions.. but putting them in play is different.
Its like driving.. you know what to do, but actually doing it, especially for the first time, you mess up. You drive off the road, run a stop light, go 20 miles under the speed-limit, and leave your brights on when a car comes from your front.
It takes time to have confidence in hard to make decisions situations. You need to realize that God is beside you even through the mess ups. My friend who I mess up with eight months ago still loves me. He/she is still really close to me and is giving me time after time of second chances. I'm grateful for it. But I'm honestly embarrassed that I keep doing it.. putting them in a difficult situation.
My friend also told me that to act like a Good Christian Girl you need to be down with the sinners and make the right choice. My friend, not meanly, asked me when will I stop running to my parents when a situation like that comes up, giving alllllllll the details out that are not about me, but about my friends and my friends are embarrassed and don't want to trust me with details or come over. They think I should know better.. and honestly I should. But I'm second guessing myself still.. I don't want to. I know I have one person who will always listen and give me advice and already knows every single detail. If a situation comes up like that again, I'm not all to sure what I'll do, but God will help me. Because, like Jesus, He got down and dirty, without sinning, with the sinners. If you understand that.. thank God. Then maybe I should to. I'm going to have to make the right choices and make the first and let my Yes be YES and No be NO. Period.
So here I am now, hurt, confused, feeling dumb again, and tired. I gave it to my Papa, but its still here. I will apologize to my friend.. the one who doesn't like me now, from when I messed up the other week. If my friend doesn't accept.. then oh well. I tried. But it's still God's.