- I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.
Constant changing doubt.
This past week has gone extremely slow.. but I feel as if it is going too fast because I haven't done what I probably should. I want to cry because I am upset with myself again. I blame myself for problems going wrong. Problems I can't help feeling I created. Problems I can't help but feeling I wont fix.
I've been told that guilt isn't of the Lord and I believe that wholeheartedly... but guilt and a just conscious are hard to differ. I'm not sure if this is guilt or a Holy conscious to speak out.
I pray for peace over this if I am in the right, and I feel peace. I do. It comes but then the 'feeling' comes back and then I'm back into the pool of doubt I'm struggling to leave.
I've been told that I am right in this, but then I also have been not told I am right by someone I trust. I don't want to lean on man's understanding of right and wrong. I want to live by God's. But what is God's right in this? Did I mess up or did I do the right thing?
I want this 'feeling' to leave so I have half a mind to just fix it even if I can't. To do my part even if I technically shouldn't. Biblically I'm not even sure if I should. I just want this GONE.
I feel as if I don't do something to move forward from this, my not acting will take something from my life that I really want. Something God set apart for me. Something I prayed for. Something I am working on. Something that this situation I am in that is modeling me to be apart of this big thing.. and if I choose to not do a thing. I lose it. For good.
But what if I'm right?
But what if I'm not...
I feel old.