- I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.
Best I can.
This song is me now a days.
"Been thinking about,
all of those lies you heard me say,
I can't make them go away."
I don't ever remember specifically, purposefully lying to someone. But I know I've lied to myself. I've lied to myself thinking that I'm not worth it when God says I am. I've lied to myself thinking that it doesn't matter what others think, when I know deep down I still don't trust God to really don't think about others thoughts and opinions on me. I can't make them go away, I never will. I still have doubt in me about my worth in my eyes, and about others eyes.
"Been thinking about,
all of those mistakes you've seen me make."
I've made mistakes. I'm human, it's impossible not to no matter how hard I try not to. I make mistakes. I;d like to think I haven't done a BIG mistake but there isn't a size on sin or mistakes. They are all the same size in God's eyes.
"When I can barely hold on,
you promise me you won't let me go"
This is telling me about myself. I can barely hold on to life right now. I am scared. So much. I'm scared to move again. Especially in specific areas of friendships where there are known to be issues. Even though God promises to never let me go, I'm still scared. Life is scary. But I wan to trust Him. I want to sooooo much it hurts.
"and I want you to know
I don't live a perfect life
But God knows I'm trying the best I can."
I know I will mess up again. It is inevitable. No matter how hard I try not to. I will. But God does know I am trying the best I can.. if other people don't think I am.. I don't care. NOT one bit. God knows I am trying the best I can. I don't want human recognition. Yeah, its nice to be told I am doing the right thing.. but for now, I just want to have faith I am doing the best I can.
"I've waisted so much time,
pretending I'm alright about who I am,
but now I'm living the best I can."
"I'm breaking down,
and now i've found
A reason to make it,
this time around"
I have a reason. I always do. I always have. God loves me. He loves me and He is always with me so I can do it. I can do it. I will do it!
"No matter where I go,
I want you to know,
I'm living the best I can"
Again, enough said.
"Now I'm living the Best. I. Can."
..I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." John 14:27 - Jesus.