Thoughts at 3am.

I wrote this a few weeks ago and I've never posted it.. but now here it is.

I feel as if I am in limbo. I feel that I've made my decision to be somebody, yet I cannot be that person until I change how I act. How I live my life. How I choose. Who I chose. Who I live for..

And I have made the decision everyday.

I always want to choose God. To love and live for Him daily. But of course I'm human. I fail. I place earthly, insignificant things before Him. I choose to live for myself and then when my life starts to crumble and not make any sense, I go running to God. It's how it works. Never fails.

But I don't like that. I hate how I don't want to fix my issues. I want to fix them, but I don't want to hurry. I want to take my good ol' dandy time. There isn't time though. I could die tonight. In the next five minutes. And I wouldn't have a chance to show His love. To make the difference I want to make. I long to make.

I've had this feeling all year long.

I want to mission but is it really what I want? I didn't have the passion to mission until after I read Flabbergasted! I feel like I am copying Ray and I don't really have a passion that in my life.

But I know that isn't how it is really.. how do I know if God didn't let me read that book so I could gain the passion for missioning by simply reading? I don't. It is probably why, anyway. God gave me it.

Now comes the part I don't like. Why aren't I pursuing it?

BAAAALhgfwjrijilskgnjv.

Those are my thoughts. I know why I'm not going all in. I'm lazy, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm too young, I'm not the right person, ect. ect.

And there are bible verses for each one too. And are few that covers them all too. i.e. (John 3:16-17. Jeremiah 29:11.)

So, what then? Why am I not moving? Why am I not taking the necessary steps to change my attitude? Why am I not pursuing God with a fiery vigor that I know I have in my heart? Why am I not loving to the potential that God has placed in me? Why, why, why?

"Why" probably isn't the question anymore. It doesn't matter why. Never has, and never will. Because even though I don't feel the boiling longing I have to love others, doesn't mean I shouldn't.

Feelings are lousy leaders.

I try and not act on my feelings. Ever. It's always a bad thing to act on my feelings. If I did, I would have ran away when trouble came instead of finding my strength through a song God showed me. I would have drop kicked my sisters ex when he left her. I would have cursed out my step grandfather when he messaged me on face book for leaving me. Like I did act on my feelings when I left my best friend when we argued.

Lousy is correct. My relationship with my best friend is much different than it used to be. Harder. There is more doubt. More trying involved. An honest face straining to be real, means well, yet sometimes, it feels like it is fake.

But that doesn't matter anymore. It is a new relationship through the hardships.

My passion is here. Always has been because God put it there. And always will be until I deliberately mute it. I will choose again, like I will daily, I love. Love when it is hard. When it makes no sense. When situations don't call for it. And when I hurt. When I'm confused. When I doubt. Because.. loving the easy to love is easy. Loving hard to love, takes hard work and strength. And if I have that strength.. I can do anything I set my mind to.