Please?

Somedays, all I feel I can do is breathe.

I'm working two jobs, trying to keep my car in good condition (which is a feat in itself, i do not speak car lingo), getting physically and emotionally prepared for college in the Spring. I'm constantly running too and from Westminster at least 10 times in a weeks span, and lately, three times a day. I'm burning my hard earned money as fast as the gas escapes my car. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for my car insurance each month, contribute towards the house bills, pay for college and all its supplies. I'm also starting to buy my own clothing and anything else I need health-wise. I am trying to figure out how to become healthy, physically. I don't have the energy to do anything.. but I know its because I'm not healthy.

That is only the materialistic view of my life.

My relationships are only kept up if they are extremely close to me. Anyone else, its just a 'howdy-do to you'. So, that accounts for.. what, my family and two, three others?

I'm learning how to set my priorities correctly and how to take what is good for me and drop the bad, or if I can't drop it.. learn from it. I'm learning how to bite my tongue.. but even that is difficult when I have a four year old yelling my name all the time. I'm trying to be responsible because my mother asking me to do her favors when she is swamped with being a mother, keep up my own responsibilities at home, being there for my friends when they are in need of an ear to hear them out and giving advice when asked. I'm also trying my darn well best to be understanding and supportive to my very best friend and the one whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with (which now I've committed to not speak to him for GOD knows how long).. and I feel I fail miserably at that because I'm angry and frustrated at.. well, everything.

My spiritual self.. well, that part of me feels on hold lately. My conversations with God are short and simple:

"God.. yeah, you know what. Kaybye." or if I'm up to putting emotion in it I add a scream of frustration.

I've been trying to uphold longer talks with the Man Upstairs.. but I just cannot find the words. I desire God to speak to me. Sigh.. I'm just so tried of feeling like I have to change every thought, every emotion of mine lately because it's all negative and frustrated. I know God wants me to be me and He'll guide me into who He desires me to become, but lately I just feel so selfish and annoying and rude and not who I know I can be, who He knows I am. How can anyone still love me with how I've been acting? This is NOT me.

I'm completely negative lately and I cannot stand it. I try my best to bite my tongue but that is very difficult to do. I hate having all this negativity mulling around in my spirit and I don't know how to stop it. I see all these amazing "future" promises and now all I feel is a giant wall barricading my way called "PATIENCE". Like I was running towards my future and not walking slowly? Now I need to be in a dead stop? Really? Joy in the trial? What's joy? I don't understand this joy you speak of? Peace..? Huh? I'm confused.. *Note the intense sarcasm here, yes it's directed towards you God, probably not smart, I know. But hey.. at least I'm still talking to You.*

God, I know you desire my attention, fully.. and honestly, it was slightly easier to divert it upwards after the communication has been cut off between my best friend and I, but I feel only for a few days. Gosh, this past week.. God, it's been so freaking hard! It's so difficult to change my view from 'me' to 'You' because everything is hitting me all at once and I can't feel anything. I feel all I have the strength to do is to breathe! I want to say I don't care, but that isn't true. I may feel apathetic lately on many things. But I care. I care so much that I'm exhausted. I try soo hard, but I doubt even more.

God I need You and I don't have the strength anymore for anything.

When I do let someone in on how I've been feeling, like my mom, or my sisters, or my best friend (when we were talking), I kept hearing the same darn thing. Dangit! "Seem like you need to change your view point! What's positive? What can you be thankful for? Do this.. do that... ect ect ect! Read your bible! Go to church! Have quiet time!" On top of "You need to spend more time with the family, you're always down stairs 'secluding' yourself. You always make time for this, that, and the other and you don't come and watch a movie with us? You stay down there and 'live' on facebook, you can come up for a while. You're slacking on your chores, half time time your on facebook or talking, you could be done with your chores and helping us where we need it".. List after list after list.. I feel soo much pressure and no outlet to help me! I have to provide for myself and my emotional needs and I have to come up and be expected to not 'lash out' when I'm upset because I'm being expected to do more than I've ever had?

Yes, I know.. others, some less fortunate than me, have three jobs, kids, bills upon bills.. still find time to do what I do and more. THEN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I'm almost to the point where I feel I'm just cracked and lazy and ill-equipped to live life correctly and follow God fully, to have a family, to have a future, to go to school, have a relationship when I can barely deal with everything that I already have on my plate (which is minimal compared to others and some who are even less fortunate, of course)?

I feel like I'm justifying all of my emotions and my entire being when I speak about any of this. I feel like because I'm so negative lately.. who would, in their sane ways, want to wait for me.. much less die for me.  I feel like alls I do is have a giant pity party.

I just want to cry. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. With becoming an adult, being a helpful friend always willing to lend a hand and a smile, even at three in the morning, with striving to become a wise (proverbs 31) woman, vigilant in prayer and fasting.. I can't deal with these emotions! I just want someone to give me a hug and say "It's okay, I know you'll get past this", not tell me what I 'should' do. I tired of hearing what others think about 'how' I should go to God, 'what' I should give to God. Don't you already think I've already given it to God. I really have. And I know He's taken it from me. But that doesn't stop me from having to deal with life.

Sigh.. okay, here you go. My life as of late. All open all honest. My fears, my prayers, everything you wouldn't want to know. Now its time to go to work. God, again I ask you. Please show me something today, that You are still holding me? Please?

A mind-full explosion.

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.

Grace: unmerited favor of God (God's riches at Christ's expense).

Long-suffering: having to show patience in spite of trials.

Longing: having a strong desire or dream.

Wariness: feeling or showing caution about possible dangers or problems.

Pride (self-esteem): confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self respect.

Selfishness: concerned chiefly with one's own personal state.

Responsibility: the opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions on one's own.

Future: an occurrence yet to happen.

Growth: the process of developing or maturing physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Acceptance: willingness to tolerate, endure, bear, a difficult situation.


These words have been haunting me. I making my mind ponder on each of these words when all I desire to do is to walk in comfort with the hope of a future full of promises, plans, and dreams. Each of these words are challenging me, are changing me, are pushing me, are stripping me of who I was, turning me around, pulling my strings lose and forcing me to my knees.

I am different than who I was a year ago.. and I don't know how to control myself. My thoughts, my actions, my fears are exploding and I don't know how to turn myself back to God. God is my all, but I fear He isn't even near. I fear I've walked away.. 

The Prodigal Son is a story I know well. But I don't think I left like he did.. and I don't think I am like the older son, resenting life and addicted to work. I don't know what I did.. but I fear I did something that makes God angry with me. 

But then, one of the words haunting me kicks in and an explosive chain reaction begins with the whole list.

Grace.

I wish I took notes on todays sermon.. but I didn't. But all I really need to know is that I live by grace. I forget I live by grace and I can do anything and everything to upset God and He still loves me. And still desires my attention and my worship and to love me and to be with me and to grow me.

I am reading this series, the Sword of Truth, and I'm at a part in the fifth book where there is a city an the tribe living there was called Ander. They were slow to think and quick to anger and fought each other all the time. But they have this weapon, Domnie Durtch and this weapon kept any invasion from happening. But this one time, a tribe, Haiken, came from the wilds and made it past the Ander's weapon and overtook the tribe of Ander. Instead of slaughtering the Ander, Haiken people decided to live together and grow into a great city. The Haiken were smart and wise and florished and taught the Ander. The Ander, now filled with wisdom, when famine came over the land, had the idea to trade and buy food for their starving city. The Ander became fierce and angry and captured the Haiken and changed the whole rules. The Haiken were striped of their titles and positions and Ander people became 'holy'. Haiken became sinners and could do nothing right and are a bad people. Always will be bad people and nothing can change that. Years, this went on. It became engraved in their spirits.. generation after generation.

Sadly, I feel like a Haiken. I'm a sinner and I can't do anything right. My emotions betray me and pull me into sin and not following God fully. I've been angry, I've been sad, I've chosen to sleep than pray or read my bible. I don't know the last time I read my bible.. I been selfish for thinking of myself, more oft then not. I not thinking and acting selflessly for others like I used to. I've gossiped. I've been willingly bitter. I've complained so much I fear one day everyone will just scream for me to shut up. I've been far from worshiping God.. and I don't feel I deserve God's love or anything that He has given me and most of all I don't feel God anymore. I fear the reason is my attitude. And if I don't find a way to accept 'Grace' again, It'll be engraved in my spirit and I'll become the one person everyone will resent and pity. And I'll never change.

How do I come back to that child like faith and receive that wonderful Grace? I've been there. I KNOW it is real. How do I battle this and become the person God wants me to be. Who I want to be because I am not happy with who I am. I also know I cannot do anything to change myself. God will take me as I am. Because He is in love with me, as I am. I don't see how anyone can be proud of me. I hear all this, "you are so strong.. You can do it.. I love you.. you are gonna get through this.. God has it all under control.." yet I feel so out of control I cannot breath and I can't feel God's encompassing arms. 

That is what "my" spirit tells me. 


God's spirit in me sings a different melody. 


God's spirit tells me I'm beautiful. God's spirit tells me I'm strong. God's spirit tells me I deserve greats and awesome things and that I can accomplish anything. God's spirit tells me I can stand up for myself. God's spirit tells me I have a voice. God's spirit tells me.. everything that I need to hear. 


Right now, I'm in such a thankful mood for everything that God's spirit is telling me. For everything that my loved ones tell me. I know that despite my ups and downs. I'm whole and complete in Christ. 


I'm taking that and running right now. I've been angry today, but I'm whole and complete in Christ. I've been rude today but I'm whole and complete in Christ. 


I am whole and complete in Christ. 


My mind is everywhere.. but I'm whole and completely IN Christ. 

One, Big, Massive, Impassable, Impenetrable, Enigmatic, Bubble..

I don't even know..  I'm writing in this fictional tone and I can finally picture and tangibly see what I've been feeling now. Well, sort of. But then there is so much, this could probably just be only a portion of it and this "fictional prose" can be misunderstood and then my thoughts would only be proven as insane and attached. 

Which they are neither.

I am a woman. I speak. A lot. And in riddles.. especially to myself and I never am able to decipher what I mean. So how can expect you to understand? Anyone really.. so I don't.

It makes me slightly angry to know that God knows exactly how I feel and why I feel what I do.. and I don't. I want to not have annoying stupid thoughts, emotions, ideas, fears, doubts.  

I've been crazy emotional wreck. Instead of just little things, like a few months ago, everything sets me off into an uncontrollable (for me at least) anger. I have sympathy, to the point where, guess what, I sometimes become angry and spend the rest of the night crying because I feel I don't deserve sympathy. I know a billion other people who are going through much worse than just an emotional breakdown.

I feel completely selfish because this is what I've been dealing with lately and I don't know how to get control of myself so I can be selfless, be helpful, be wise, be bold, be brave, be happy.. without being so negative because of these emotions.

My blogs have become venting instead of the thoughts God has given me. 

I haven't had one positive conversation without a major doubt on my God and myself go through my mind. 

All I feel I do is complain about why I don't know why I am not positive with my days and I know if something doesn't change.. in me.. that it'll get old. I'll become stagnant and I'll be tossed out, ignored, like stale water left out at night. Maybe that is just a 'doubt' i mentioned..

I've been careless, a little, with my money and I'm stressing out on if I'll ever learn how to manage my money well.

But mainly, what has made me angry, and angry not just because its there, I could get over that. But because I am angry it is there and I'm angry with myself for being so angry. I'm not very forgiving of myself.. I give others second chance after chance that I've been walked on as a person because, partly, I couldn't stand up for myself but really because I needed to go the extra mile. But myself? Noo.. I rarely give myself a second chance. Honestly. I'm really hard on myself. 

Anyway..

I feel there is a bubble in front of me. A big static-y, living, breathing, bubble in front of my path. And I can't get through that bubble, around that bubble, or near that bubble without an enormous static-y flux of emotion in myself and or a strong brick barrier to keep me completely away until the bubble pops. I keep trying to run away, or at least be ale to stand firm, from the emotions the bubble launches towards me. Yet the bubble is also a spinning-out-of-control vortex and sucks me back towards it. I have no control as to where I go, except towards the bubble. I break bricks from hitting the wall because of the force that propels me towards it.

When I see this bubble in my minds eye, I see a fuzzy golden-yellow light in a ten/fifteen-foot-diameter, orb, half way in the ground, so it's unmovable. It's ten/fifteen feet wide, and ten/fifteen feet tall. I can semi-see around it to know what is on the other side, yet it's so fuzzy and full of unknowing, that I know I can't even comprehend what is over there.

See, the thing is, I know what is on the other side. I was given what was on the other side. I accepted it. Grew with it, even.

But the bubble was strategically placed, right there, in my way, right now. And I know it won't pop.. yet.

This bubble, as I've explained above, has placed me in a position where I can't physically walk away, yet I cannot physically move towards it. The thing is, I do not want to walk away, even if I could. I desire what is on the other side. But I know I have to be patient. But when something is ten feet away, can you really hear any sound it makes, any at all? Can you see it, even when if its blurry? Touch it, even with a long stick, can it reach through the forcefield that pushes you away?

No.. you cannot. It's difficult to love, live, or touch anything that is being placed behind an impenetrable bubble.


.. this is where I'm stuck. 


I want to worry about what's on the other side. But all I feel I'm capable of doing, literally doing and able to handle doing, is to just hope. Just trust. That it'll be okay and one day it'll be right again.


I don't know if I'm comforted knowing that it could be similar on the other side. I want it to be better. I want it to be nicer and easier and relaxing even, on the other side. I'd rather have it hard than knowing it was worse on the other side.


Thats the truth.


So.. after writing all this out. Spending days because I've been stuck as to how to write it out, figuring out if I want the world to know any of this.. I'm exhausted. I feel I've been selfish, ignorant,.. ect. But I'm wanting to change.. I just don't know how to move. I don't know how to stand. I don't know how to think right now.. God knows how I feel. He knows what I need and right now.. I just don't know why I can't see what I need. Why I could possibly be unwilling to see it.. I don't know my thoughts. But God does. Honestly, that is how I walk each day. Knowing, even though, I'm having such a difficult time breathing while the sky is falling, that He has it. 


But maybe that's just me and I'm just being too hard on myself..

Wish list..

I wish I could know why.

I wish I had peace.

I wish I had nothing to complain about.

I wish I could know what to do.

I wish I move forward; so baldy.

I wish life didn't cost so much.

I wish everyone knew how much I really cared.

I wish I could dream.

I wish I could just cry, kick tires, scream at everything in my life that moves and makes me angry and not care.

I wish I didn't have to be on medicine.

I wish I could drive away and come back to something better.

I wish I knew how much everyone really cared.

I wish I wasn't angry.

I wish I wasn't sick.

I wish people would stop teasing me with hope and then running away.

I wish I had a moment where everything just fit right, and felt right, and was right.

I wish I wasn't cynical.

I wish I could believe you.

I wish I wasn't depressed.

I wish I could stop being snarky.

I wish people weren't so quick to tell me what to do.

I wish I could blame something tangible instead of the general excuse called 'life'.

I wish I had a voice..

I wish I had someone to just listen to me.

I wish I was smarter and in school actually doing something with my life.

I wish I didn't have to wish this..

I wish I had my best friend to hold me while I cried instead of busying myself and sucking up my emotions.

I wish people didn't judge so easily.

I wish life didn't hurt so much.

I wish I could understand how someone can leave the one they supposedly love.

I wish I could make a difference and know I'm making one.

I wish I could use words wisely and not feel like I'm talking in circles.

I wish Satan didn't have or try so hard to have a foothold in my life.

I wish I could accept commitment and know it's going to last.

I wish I didn't feel so absolutely alone. And of course everything happens to go wrong all around me when I feel this too..

I wish I heard, an actual voice from God, instead of the silence i've received. Even a sign would be nice. *hint hint*

I wish I didn't feel selfish.

I wish I could understand how people can make stupid decisions and not think that the consequences will affect them.

I wish I could just leave all this alone, but I know I can't.

I wish I knew how to be an adult.

I feel as if I'm between a cement wall and a bulldozer instead of a promising rock and a hard place; not to mention the bulldozer is full throttle.

I absolutely despise how I can be so fearful and distrustful of God. Everyone is leaving. It doesn't matter if its a 'God reason' or for stupidity. Everyone is leaving and it makes me feel even more lonely. Backing out of plans and leaving. All around me, life is tumbling down like a three year old's block tower. And the one who kicked it is giggling loudly at the turmoil. Life is at a climax right now and the music is so loud that I can't find out exactly where the danger is coming from..

I really despise that I need to have certain things proven to me now. How I've been hurt and how I don't trust my best friend promise's to be true anymore. Not because of distrust on my best friend's part, he's been nothing but impeccable and loving, but because I don't believe that I can do anything to keep commitments from breaking anymore, and leaving it in God's hands, wow.. even scarier. Even though that is what I am supposed to do. I knew that before. But, i've seen it break, and God was in it. So, my thought process; it might not even supposed to be.. even though I prayed for it and then God brought it to me.

I feel absolutely idiotic to be thinking my future so intently. Do I have it all together? Heck no! But am I being wise? Do I have a career to work and can I live life and not fear debt? Do I have money to support any thing I desire for my future? Am I thinking about how I'm going to grow as much as a toddler does between the ages 19 and 25? Am I taking into perspective that I am young and it isn't, "statistically", smart to be in a committed relationship at this age? I am so half and half on this I'm going to scream! I'm not nor have I ever been fearful of my age, yet I am so worried of fate and what it is screaming in my face every day!

I am just choosing to ignore my feelings now and not grow closer to God. I know I'll just lose everything I desire to have in doing that, but I don't have any motivation to do anything else right now.

I wish I wasn't broken..

The walls start breathing, my mind unweaving..

The butterflies are fluttering in my stomach as I type. My head is spinning, my hands tingling, and my heart beating faster than it normally dose. I feel like I have been spinning in circles. I feel like I am getting ready to jump of a cliff to go sky diving or something similarly nerve wracking. I'm freaking out. I'm scared. I'm wanting the world to freeze and my head and heart to finally breathe (for once in the past eighteen months!). I've been moving so fast, I've been doing absolutely everything, traveling by myself, stepping out of my comfort zone, giving my all, moving into an apartment, letting go friends, making big commitments, literally feeling like my other half is moving forward and yet, here is little miss me, stuck in the mud .. I feel like I've done absolutely nothing yet I can't find time for peace. I'm older, I'm much more scared than I was when I was a child. I'm wanting to run away and jump in my bed, pull the covers over my head and do literally nothing but breathe in and breathe out like I did when I was scared from a bad dream. I feel like I'm living in a bad dream and I've come to the point where I can't wake up.

I'm weary.

Is that what growing up is supposed to feel like?

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

That verse just popped up into my heart but I don't feel peace. I know I have to accept the peace God gives me.. but its hard.

I don't have a plan..

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what the day may bring forth. - Proverbs 27:1 (again just popped up).

I have no idea what to do school wise, career wise, life wise.. I desire a family, a husband and a loving relationship that brings glory to God and brings myself joy and love, but I don't know if I'll even live to tomorrow, is desiring that useless now? Am I really desiring it to bring glory to God or is it for my own happiness.. no, I know that's not true, yes I want to be happy, but I live for God. I know that. I know I have to take each day as it comes, but.. right now, my feelings are so overwhelming to my spirit, I can't even think about the next second of my life. I don't know if I'll even have the next breath to type this next word. Each beat of my heart is a blessing, yet I feel so unworthy.. that its beginning to hinder my joy.

I live life only because God gives me life. That is what I'm feeling and realizing right now. Everything. EVERY single thing. Nathan, my parents, my friends, food, my apartment, air conditioning, internet, a cell phone, a car, a job, a family, a loving church, my health, a constant opportunity to witness, are all blessings and promises that God gave me. None of it is mine. None of it is from my own hard work. I live in such a positive and stable situation all because of God. I could easily be in the city, in a third-world country living on the side of the road with no food, no shelter, no hope, no family, no love.. nothing. I am extremely blessed. I have opportunities to learn, to sing, to dance, to grow, to be.. all for God. And I have things to be thankful for. And I am really thankful for them too.. but where am I going with all this blessing, all this hope and joy? How am I sharing it with others? How am I being useful and tactful with my time and my money and my stuff?

I can think of a few things, the bare minimum in my opinion (you'll have to judge if I'm looking down on myself).. I could easily do more. But then there is an issue that I have to face, that I know is keeping me from doing the 'more'.

Fear.

I am sooo fearful. I realize that is what is keeping me from moving forward. More specifically.. fear of making a wrong decision. But I know that fear is silly. I'm going to make wrong decisions.. but fear still keeps me from going forward. I absolutely loveeeee, love, LOVE! this quote from a movie I've recently watched. This graduation speech is what I feel concerning my future, career wise, -

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Out answers were things like, astronauts, president.. or in my case, a princess. When we were ten, they asked again. We answered, a rock star, cowboy, or in my case, a gold medalist. But now that we're grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this. Who the hell knows? This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; this is a time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love.. a lot. Major in philosophy, because there's no way to make a career out of that. Change you mind, and change it again, because nothings permanent. So, make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask us what we want to be, we wont have to guess.. we'll know."

Yeah.. that pretty much sums it up. That is what I want to live by (other than the Jesus, obviously) because, I don't need to know every step I'll take. I'll make mistakes, but its okay. God isn't calling me to be perfect. He's calling me to worship Him. To live for Him. To love life, tell others about Him and His love, to live like its my last day on earth and to hope for the future (which, yes, it could be any day that I'm called home to Heaven). So making mistakes and changing my mind and being my own person ( for God).. that is honorable, that is holy, that is something to look towards and accept as it is. Not this jittery feeling. That nervousness will pass away one day.. but my hope for God and for a better life, is permanent.

So yeah, I'm human. I'll mess up. But God'll deal with it.. because I sure as heck can't.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and when you seek me you will find me. " - Jeremiah 29:11-13.