About Me

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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.

11.19.2010

Please?

Somedays, all I feel I can do is breathe.

I'm working two jobs, trying to keep my car in good condition (which is a feat in itself, i do not speak car lingo), getting physically and emotionally prepared for college in the Spring. I'm constantly running too and from Westminster at least 10 times in a weeks span, and lately, three times a day. I'm burning my hard earned money as fast as the gas escapes my car. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for my car insurance each month, contribute towards the house bills, pay for college and all its supplies. I'm also starting to buy my own clothing and anything else I need health-wise. I am trying to figure out how to become healthy, physically. I don't have the energy to do anything.. but I know its because I'm not healthy.

That is only the materialistic view of my life.

My relationships are only kept up if they are extremely close to me. Anyone else, its just a 'howdy-do to you'. So, that accounts for.. what, my family and two, three others?

I'm learning how to set my priorities correctly and how to take what is good for me and drop the bad, or if I can't drop it.. learn from it. I'm learning how to bite my tongue.. but even that is difficult when I have a four year old yelling my name all the time. I'm trying to be responsible because my mother asking me to do her favors when she is swamped with being a mother, keep up my own responsibilities at home, being there for my friends when they are in need of an ear to hear them out and giving advice when asked. I'm also trying my darn well best to be understanding and supportive to my very best friend and the one whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with (which now I've committed to not speak to him for GOD knows how long).. and I feel I fail miserably at that because I'm angry and frustrated at.. well, everything.

My spiritual self.. well, that part of me feels on hold lately. My conversations with God are short and simple:

"God.. yeah, you know what. Kaybye." or if I'm up to putting emotion in it I add a scream of frustration.

I've been trying to uphold longer talks with the Man Upstairs.. but I just cannot find the words. I desire God to speak to me. Sigh.. I'm just so tried of feeling like I have to change every thought, every emotion of mine lately because it's all negative and frustrated. I know God wants me to be me and He'll guide me into who He desires me to become, but lately I just feel so selfish and annoying and rude and not who I know I can be, who He knows I am. How can anyone still love me with how I've been acting? This is NOT me.

I'm completely negative lately and I cannot stand it. I try my best to bite my tongue but that is very difficult to do. I hate having all this negativity mulling around in my spirit and I don't know how to stop it. I see all these amazing "future" promises and now all I feel is a giant wall barricading my way called "PATIENCE". Like I was running towards my future and not walking slowly? Now I need to be in a dead stop? Really? Joy in the trial? What's joy? I don't understand this joy you speak of? Peace..? Huh? I'm confused.. *Note the intense sarcasm here, yes it's directed towards you God, probably not smart, I know. But hey.. at least I'm still talking to You.*

God, I know you desire my attention, fully.. and honestly, it was slightly easier to divert it upwards after the communication has been cut off between my best friend and I, but I feel only for a few days. Gosh, this past week.. God, it's been so freaking hard! It's so difficult to change my view from 'me' to 'You' because everything is hitting me all at once and I can't feel anything. I feel all I have the strength to do is to breathe! I want to say I don't care, but that isn't true. I may feel apathetic lately on many things. But I care. I care so much that I'm exhausted. I try soo hard, but I doubt even more.

God I need You and I don't have the strength anymore for anything.

When I do let someone in on how I've been feeling, like my mom, or my sisters, or my best friend (when we were talking), I kept hearing the same darn thing. Dangit! "Seem like you need to change your view point! What's positive? What can you be thankful for? Do this.. do that... ect ect ect! Read your bible! Go to church! Have quiet time!" On top of "You need to spend more time with the family, you're always down stairs 'secluding' yourself. You always make time for this, that, and the other and you don't come and watch a movie with us? You stay down there and 'live' on facebook, you can come up for a while. You're slacking on your chores, half time time your on facebook or talking, you could be done with your chores and helping us where we need it".. List after list after list.. I feel soo much pressure and no outlet to help me! I have to provide for myself and my emotional needs and I have to come up and be expected to not 'lash out' when I'm upset because I'm being expected to do more than I've ever had?

Yes, I know.. others, some less fortunate than me, have three jobs, kids, bills upon bills.. still find time to do what I do and more. THEN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I'm almost to the point where I feel I'm just cracked and lazy and ill-equipped to live life correctly and follow God fully, to have a family, to have a future, to go to school, have a relationship when I can barely deal with everything that I already have on my plate (which is minimal compared to others and some who are even less fortunate, of course)?

I feel like I'm justifying all of my emotions and my entire being when I speak about any of this. I feel like because I'm so negative lately.. who would, in their sane ways, want to wait for me.. much less die for me.  I feel like alls I do is have a giant pity party.

I just want to cry. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. With becoming an adult, being a helpful friend always willing to lend a hand and a smile, even at three in the morning, with striving to become a wise (proverbs 31) woman, vigilant in prayer and fasting.. I can't deal with these emotions! I just want someone to give me a hug and say "It's okay, I know you'll get past this", not tell me what I 'should' do. I tired of hearing what others think about 'how' I should go to God, 'what' I should give to God. Don't you already think I've already given it to God. I really have. And I know He's taken it from me. But that doesn't stop me from having to deal with life.

Sigh.. okay, here you go. My life as of late. All open all honest. My fears, my prayers, everything you wouldn't want to know. Now its time to go to work. God, again I ask you. Please show me something today, that You are still holding me? Please?

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I love you. You're going to make it out of this ok.

    ReplyDelete