Reflection.

It has been quite a while since I have written a blog. I noticed I have neglected a lot of stuff lately: my laundry, my bedroom, my gas tank, my junk email box, my homework, my dogs, sadly my bible as well. However, I am clinging to the things that are way too busy or nonexistent to sustain me like I desire: the love of my life, and my sleep.

There has been so much going on this year. And I am talking like it is already December. Oh wait. That starts in one week. I mean for goodness sakes, Christmas is set already at work. I love Christmas, but where has this year gone?

This year has gone by so fast and the semester is almost over. Thank the Lord! I am so done with college and I have only been attending for two semesters. I decided, I cannot live normally in this world. I don't believe I am going to college for a degree. Ever. If I do, it'll be for fun and all for English and Art.

I want to quit my job but I cannot until Summer. I want to work somewhere else because it is so stressful and so draining where I work. I desire to work someplace that recognizes the hard workers (I'm not talking about me). My boss is amazing and he is never recognized by his superiors, he is always shut down and bashed. I cannot stand it. I'm literally there right now because I need the money, but if my boss leaves. I am gone. 

Also I play a major part in why my best friend was suspended from his school. Which I believe I have accepted and given up.. but my best friend keeps praying about it and finding new things to pray about. I'm wondering why I keep shoving it into a box and ignoring my self, my feelings, it.

However; amongst my business (which is 7 out of 7 days a week), I really haven't given God the time He deserves. This fact has been bugging me so much. I keep ignoring it though. I hate getting so little sleep and I am up late doing homework most of the time and I can never seem to get up earlier than I have to. I have done a devotion every 4 days or so, and I go to church when I have time, but this semester church is another thing on a list for me. Another day I am busy. Another day I have to get up. Another day where I have to to "x" amount of stuff by "so and so time".

All of these reflections, are still that. Even right now. Reflections. I have to have time to clean my room, to write an 8 page essay, to spend time with my family who I am also neglecting, to keep up this strong and God centered (is it still?) relationship, to finish this semester with great grades, to do work well in excellence, to be a light, to feed my spirit, to feed my physical body(like real food), to try not to get angry with myself or others, to grow and allow God to grow me, to prepare for next year where I could possibly be getting married, definitely quitting my job, and maybe going to another country.

Where is my heart? Where is my mind? I really need a weekend with God. Just us. I want Him to talk to me, to tell me where I need to go, to give me advice on my job, to prepare me for marriage.. I want to continue to say I am centering my relationship and my entire life on Him. But right now all I have the focus for is to breathe and get through each day.

I am seriously looking down on myself now. I need to stop writing because this  is getting nowhere. God, let us have that weekend soon. Please. I need to hear your voice.

Glory.

I was made fore glory.

This statement confuses me. Greatly. As I have been reading my bible over the past few days, God has been teaching me about Himself. I am also reading Crazy Love and these first few chapters are about the basics of Christianity. Of God Himself.

God is God. He can and will do what He Wills. I cannot stop Him. He is something I should worship with fear and trembling. He is God.

But God also loves me. I am His creation. He is glorified in me. Which means, He takes great pride in me. He wants the best for me. He sent Himself, His Son, to die for me. To forgive me. So He can accept me and acknowledge(the Greek translation meaning to know intimately) me in heaven and on earth.

I was made for glory. I am wondering if I truly understand all of this. I have been marked by God. He knew be before I was born and created a plan for me.

 He predestined (knew) me (before I was born), He called me (has a plan for my life), He justified me (through Jesus), and He glorified me (takes pride in me).

Romans 8:29&30 For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, that he might be firstborn among many brothers. And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.



I don't know what to make of this.. I want to understand this.

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Psalm 63:1

That is my prayer.

The Seams.

 A song, a thought, a picture, a word, a verse, the candle flame.. all have brought tears to my eyes today. None have brimmed over yet. But they could. I feel as if I am waiting for a word to break me. And one word could right now.

I haven't been this emotional in a long time. I have handled myself well. Extraordinarily well if anyone asks me. And right now, I am afraid my mother will come upstairs and see my face and blame me because I haven't taken my vitamins. I haven't exercised. I haven't taken medication that will help me.I haven't eaten perfectly.

I know she cares. But this is a fear and a "word" that can break me right now.

The words "I love you" from him can and has already broken me.

I need to write my essay. I've written a little bit over 100 words for it.. but I find myself here writing instead. The fact I debated over cows milk and almond milk made me tear up. The fact I've been munching on some m&m's while he wanted cookies. The fact that he still thinks I can do anything..

I feel like a worn thread.. I read my devotion and it is about ministry. Something it said was: "Sometimes, you just cannot work in a ministry, lead a ministry because you have to work on the priorities before it. Maybe your not attending will show someone that you value your priorities." I really like to believe that is what God is having me do.

I work. A lot. I'm scared because I am scaring him.

My back hurts every time I wake up and I do not know why. It is so sore.

The only picture I can see of myself right now is that I am a strip of ribbon and it has been cut in half by a rusted pair of shears. But because the shears were so rusted, it didn't completely, cleanly, break the ribbon. Each half is still attached to the other by a worn out, thin, frayed, and unraveling piece of thread.

 I feel so much. I do not want to fall into what I felt last spring when he and I left each other and communication for something bigger. This season is about growing as a leader and growing together. Both. No one is more important.

I do not want to be put on a back burner and forgotten.. It is something that could break me right now.

But that is something he cannot stop from happening. It is something only God will choose to allow or not allow. I have to trust that I am not on a back burner.


I want to end on a lighter note but I have no words. I have been listening to music all morning. All posted on facebook. And each song means something about a part of my life in some way right now.

Blind and missing you.

Higher, much, much higher, like Mt. Everest higher. 

His ways are Higher than my ways. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. (Isaiah 55) So many things I have done recently: not pausing to consider what God might want for me, just simply doing. I've impetuously followed a job, been acting on my feelings, I've tailed a slow car on the way home not knowing if God put him there, possibly saving me from an accident. The thing is, I can only see 20-20. Well actually, I have a few issues with distance. I need glasses to read the signs when I drive otherwise I become impatient, rude, frustrated with anyone nearby, and I get a head ache trying to see what is difficult for me to see. I realize that I have issues (spiritually as well as physically) with looking farther down the road to asses what could be coming. The next road sign, a possible accident, a decision someone could make that would alter my life completely. Oh my, yeah. I stress out when my vision gets blurry. I've gotten into a good habit. I wear my glasses regularly while driving. It's just uncomfortable to not wear them. It's hard to read, to drive, to keep watch of my surroundings. But I keep forgetting I have (spiritual)glasses too. But with spiritual glasses, I don't have to keep watch for anything except for Jesus' coming. I just have to keep taking each step in faith, not worrying about the next road sign and if I'll miss my exit 100 miles before I need to. All I have to accept is that His ways are higher than my ways, and so in essence, His vision, is greater than my own too. It's hard to daily say "Okay God, I don't know if I can take another breath, or if I'll make it to work or home alive tonight. I give up my dreams, my desires and use me each second you allow me to breath." I desire to bring a part of His kingdom on earth, but I desire a family, a marriage, a love. Ultimately, I desire all of that to bring Him glory. When each week passes so quickly, too quickly, and as I grow older.. it becomes so much clearer that I don't have a promise of tomorrow, and I take for granted the wonderful relationship I have been given. I don't want to do that. But I do not want to be selfish. I want to give each of my seconds for His glory. I'm just becoming impatient for the day where I don't have to do it completely alone. Because, until I'm married (If God still desires that to be a part of my life), I'm alone. Just with God. Alone. I do think however, I may have been looking 60 miles farther than I should when it comes to my relationship with my future husband. I am right here, waiting, in opposite sides of the state (soon different countries), growing, yet alone.. for a season. And all for a reason. But it's still hard. Not having communication a top priority right now. It barely feels like a priority, honestly.  Mm.. I have had this conversation too many times. Too many fights. Too many tears about it all. It is hard for me. I have to daily set this aside and not let the ache in my middle to grow and overcome me because God doesn't give me more than I can handle. I don't know how this turned from spiritual sight to this.. again. I have half a mind to delete all of this because I promised I wouldn't bring it up again. I just have to keep going. Alone. But only for now.. Hmm, I truly hope that we are still a part of His plan. It's been a fleeting thought of mine lately. I really do. This season is having me question my very belief of us. Of me. Of God.  If we weren't going to be. If you were not in my life like you are.. I wouldn't be thinking so seriously about marriage, about family, about following anyone but God. I'd probably take a loan out and go to a University for business and start my coffee shop/homeless ministry. Be more gun-ho about that, than I am. Right now, I'm honestly killing time and praying that I am actually growing while waiting for you. But that if there wasn't a you. There is a you. I love you. And I'm waiting for you. And I pray that we marry in His time. That i'm ready. That you are ready. That in the end, our choices, glorify Him. No matter what. So, if closing my eyes, ignoring the ache in my belly when another week passes by without finding out something else about that I never knew, hearing your voice.. and thrusting aside the 'miss you' feeling is what gets me to really buck up and grow, focus on being a woman after God's own heart and gets me through this waiting period. I'll close my eyes, and just drive. But I love you, I do miss you, but I don't let that break me. I've grown stronger and I pray I can handle the three months next year when you are gone.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0Uz51NJJxM

Transitions.

I know life is full of them. I've been through many of them so far in my almost 19 years of living; birth, two numbered age, teenage years, moving to texas, moving from texas, break of a close friendship, graduating highschool, beginning a courtship, getting a car, getting a job, a long distance courtship begins, going to school, getting a second job and accepting a leading position in a church. Wow. Next up I'll be married with twins on the way and I'll be moving out of country to a remote place only to survive on bananas which I'm allergic to and with little to none college experience and make money by beading necklaces! (Only God really knows, but hey, it could happen). Sigh. Transitions are hard. I really don't know how I should be handling them. I'm scared. And the transition I am in right now has me feeling as I am standing alone. My playmate, my best friend, my future spouse.. is away. God currently has him working away from me. Which is probably good to an extent otherwise in the words of Ray Blackston we could become the Couple Who Could Not Wait. But, he is away. Little communication available for us and then he comes back to an extremely busy year of school and paying off a possible loan. And I'll still feel physically alone. I'll be beginning my new job as a Certified Nurses Assistant opening possible doors for my future at a hospital if I even needed to work for money later on in life instead of the unknown ministry God is planning for my husband and I to work together.  All of this is the immediate transitions. What am I doing in my communicating with God about all of my life and what He's doing with it? Welll, I communicated about monies and what and how He could help me pay off the 700 dollar debt the IRS put me in. He blessed me greatly. I'm still humbled. I communicated with Him about the perpetual waiting I am in, realizing it isn't so perpetual and sneaking up on me very quickly. I could be married. Next. Year. That is scary. And exciting because I'll be starting a new transition and with my best friend. Fully able to start life, share fears, and allowed to experience the joys and bliss of married life along with the hardships and trials. But mostly for the first few months, the joys and bliss. But it's scary. I'm currently 18. Not that age matters. I've told God that often, and I have prayed that I could start early so I could live to my fullest with my husband and do whatever God has us do. And here he is! My future. Patiently waiting at camp cleaning kitchen pots and watching over bouncy kids all summer long. But I don't know, I'll be 19 soon. Almost 20. What am I doing? I'm working retail, going to college part-part-time (one class maybe two), and waiting on God and my husband to be. In retail, I know I am helping a little, one of my supervisors have been needed some love and compassion. She's been needing God and I'm praying that she fully sees Him soon! And I know if I wasn't there, God couldn't use me to help her. Sigh. Transitions. I see so many of my friends and family helping others in ways that are really good! God is growing everyone so much and in great ways. I feel left out. But then I was just offered this position as the Middle School Drama Team Leader. Wow. God is there where I can lead now? Grow now? Is there where you want me? I decided to take the position and if is it truly where God wants me, I'll learn as much as He wants me to and then He'll move me. If it isn't where God wants me, it is an open door that He'll move me through, I'll grow, and He'll move me out. Either way, I'll be growing and I'm trusting God to move me. Hmm... Transitions.