Meaningful

I've been trying to write a blog since two days after my last.. but every single time I bring up this empty page to record my own thoughts into words. I become a blank. I can't think of where to start or what to write. Should I write my feelings down? Or should I put up something purposefully uplifting about what God is doing in my life? Should I put up my past experiences of conflicts and how the product was better than the process? Or should I just write to write? A story, a poem, a lyric, a paragraph, or just a word.. what I put down, I'm putting down to be recorded. Yeah, sure, I can delete it or not even post it. But what if I do post it? Once I push 'publish post', someone could come by in a second, read it and I could then change my mind and proceed to delete it. But that one person will have what's in my thoughts, my emotions, my heart, my soul.. in their mind.

I want what I put down to be meaningful. That is why I don't post often. But, there are time I really want to post (like now), but I can't put pen to paper.

Last night, I was fed up with feeling.. lazy, for lack of a better word. I was tired of just being. I want to know that my thoughts and actions aren't just being done in a selfish, vain, attempt to get the easy way out of troubles or problems that come my way.

I put on my mom's warm coat. Went outside in the snow. Lied down and looked up with my eyes closed and just worshiped. I was listening to music all day, but I needed God. I wasn't putting myself into his presence every moment of every day. Some would say, "You're human". Yeah, I know I am.. but I can do better than I have been. I know I can. So I sang. I sang whatever was in my heart and I wrote something. I was pretty excited cause I haven't done that in a long while. And today, I think I realize why. Maybe.. I'm not all too sure yet. But after I wrote what I did.. I posted it. It was great. But my thoughts weren't on the lyrics to God.. they were on "I wonder if someone would think this is good enough to be lyrics?". That isn't how it goes. EVER.

I'm truly sorry my thoughts were like that and I'm going to strive to be better, more meaningful..

So until next time, friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvrchCC2H7k&NR=1

God taught me..

When I look at life from time to time, I begin to realize it goes by so quickly. Truly as it is said in James 4:14 "How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like a vapor- its here for a little while, then gone."

It is 2010.

I started this blog/what's on my heart/ journal in March of 2009.

It has almost been a whole year. A whole year since I started back into my youth group and drama team. I whole year since I turned sixteen. A whole year since I graduated high school. A whole year since I started talking to my close friend, NP. I am a whole year older. A whole year closer to the time I leave for my eternal home.

A whole year.

I can't even imagine it, but I can. I have to. It is almost already February.. soon I'll be getting a job, going to college, getting a car, my license. I'm growing up and I'm gaining responsibility. Learning how to manage money, time, relationships.. my laundry. :p But really.

I don't want to forget how much God taught me. Who God used to teach me. And my, not resolution, but my promise to myself, for this year.

So, I'm gonna write about what God has given me in the past year and this already passed month in 2010.

God taught me He loves me. - How He Loves by Kim Walker.

God taught me to stand up for myself.

God taught me that peace is trusting in Him not in the facts.

God taught me to let go to receive His blessings.

God taught me that the people who are supposed to be in my life, will be, because they let HIM use them.

God taught me that family is everything (aside from Him).

God taught me that my mother is my best friend until I marry.

God taught me that life is over quickly.

God taught me to live in the moment.

God taught me to not worry.

God taught me to speak and claim, in His name.

God taught me to believe in the power He's given me.

God taught me that my church is my family.

God taught me to pray.

God taught me to have faith.

God taught me so much.. and He's still teaching me. There is so much that I don't know. So much that I forget. So much that I want to know still.

So this year, actually starting on December 25th 2009, I decided to memorize a bible verse a week. I have. I have done 4 so far seeing as it has been 4 weeks.. but I've got them. They are in my heart for when I need them. And these 4 verses are what I need to remember right now.

Behold, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy and nothing will injure you. Luke 10:19.

Those who have their mind set on you, you keep completely whole and steady on their feet because they keep at it and don't quit. Keep at it and don't quit, for in the Lord God you have a sure thing. Isaiah 26:3-5

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

The Lord can be trusted for new mercies each morning. Deep in my heart I say the Lord is all I need; you can depend on Him. Lamentations 3: 22-24.

These are my verses so far. They are His light in me for when the world is dark. Thank you God, for continuing to teach me and showing me you are with me.

Memory verse for this week: Do not fear for I am with you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you in my Righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

No longer confused.

I can say so much about how i have been so confused in the past. Well.. no longer. Confusion is not of the Lord and I rebuke it in the Name of Jesus.

All my relationships will be and will always be be founded on Jesus and if it is not, I know it will fail. I won't let it happen again. I'm tired of hurting people and I'm tired of being hurt. I know it's a part of life but if God is founded at the base of all my relationships it won't be so bad.

I will make mistakes, but I'm not longer confused. Everything is in God's hands and everything will stay there.

Amen.

Write to write. Right not wrong. Prayer not flight.

Life, such a fickle thing.

It goes up and it goes down. But you always have a choice on how to look at it.

Again, hard things keep coming at me. I see it as Satan trying to get me to fall again. Well, Not this time. Not again. Even though it was crazzzzzzyyy hard. I did it again. But I didn't do it by myself. God had to be holding me the whole time or I would collapse under the hurt, strain, pain, and stress. I felt like I would.. and once I almost did.

You see, I was having issues following through with not worrying about my relationship with one of my very close friends. Well, in doing that, I also had to be very firm with another one of my friends and my close friend wasn't happy. She was disgusted with my attitude and talked down on me on how I treated the situation. So I told her it really wasn't her business. And she was mad. She kept talking and wanting to talk about it. I refused because I can't. I can't speak to her in public about this or I'll fall. It is something I know I couldn't do. I know God has me and wouldn't let me down. But this was something I couldn't do. If we talked, we would have hashed it out so much that I would be over stressed and I would have fallen. I would have let her because I love her. I wasn't strong enough to say no. She was my weakness.

Well, I said no. I said no to the point where she now isn't my friend. She has ignored me.. and I thought I was fine because I knew I did the right thing. I didn't let her, I didn't let Satan, beat me down again. I thought I was okay because I finally stood my ground. Well, apparently being okay and saying it are two different things.

I cried myself to sleep last night because I didn't know I was affected that much. I guess I was naive to think that because she was my best friend.

I'm still battling it too. I feel like I am a bad person because I know she is upset and to her, I'm the reason why. That is wronggggg! I am reading this book. The Invisible War by Chip Ingram. I promise, this was God given because I got this book during this whooooole thing with my friend. Well, in this book it says the wearing the breastplate of righteousness is protecting your heart. Living out the life of Jesus. But first you have to have the belt of truth on. (The Bible, knowing it). Anyway, trying to live like this, and actively wearing this armor if hard, but worth it. But Satan actively pursues you because he wants you down. He whispers that you are a "bad friend, a bad christian", and alllllll sorts of stuff. But when you really wear the armor, you realize, and recognize and live like you are saved BY grace and you ARE whole. That is a bigggg difference.

So, the saying, you become the strongest through your weakness is real. Throughout all of this, I have become stronger. I stood up for my family, for myself and I am being ME. Finally. God has given me all sorts of friends who have been there for me and are the right influence for me. I could say more on my other friend who hate me, but I wont dis or down her. She needs prayer. That is all I ask.

But thank God that I am Becoming who I am.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAQ50hrFevg&NR=1

When the music fades..

This week has been wow. Hard. It has been full of so much stuff.. I can't even think about it. And honestly.. i haven't thought about it at all since I gave it up. But in not thinking about it.. a part of me feels like I've been ignoring God and not worshiping Him through the hard parts. I know I did when it first happened. And its better, the hardness but I also know its not over. It doesn't matter its not over though.. God has it and God has me and I love Him. So life is good. Life is full of blessings of being His.

Then why in the world did I forget, for about three days, that through all hard stuff and the calm before the storm arises again, that I need to worship. I've just had fun and I didn't do anything spiritually. I don't know how I feel about that. If I love God, a crazy love, then why am I not thinking about Him everyday like I do about my really close friends? Did I momentarily forget that God is the only thing that matters? I don't think I did.

I don't care what I've thought the past few days. I'm going to thank God now. Even if I forgot Him. I'm going to thank God for friends. For love. For family. For relationships. For promises. For comfort. For laughter. For hope. For salvation. For music.

I mess up, by choosing, and by choosing to not do anything. I don't want to count this as a mess up. But I don't want to excuse my 'forgetting' God. I think my hard thing I went through was tough. It still is. And I'm just recuperating from it. By not thinking. Not doing. But just being. Just laughing.

God is still God despite my choices in life. He is God and deserves worship. I don't like forgetting Him. I don't want to come to Him out of obligation but because I love Him and I want Him. I don't want to forget so I'll remind myself this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZgPPmtZgS4