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I am far from perfect. I fear a lot of things; most realistic, yet all irrational because the only thing I should truly fear is God. I find myself fearing the little things and being afraid of God. I fall every day: I have cursed, I have judged, I have neglected to do God's Will, I have put my foot in my mouth countless times and I have given up. It is obvious that I cannot live life on my own. It is utterly impossible. I am dependent. I am needy. I am selfish. I am sinful. I am human.. However, the most important thing about me; I am forgiven.



Thought 1.

Doubtful. Confused. Scared. Weary. Hurt. Blamed. Small. Hopeless. Guilty. Melancholy.

Not words you want to hear, much less feel. 

Lately I feel like I have grown  up by many years. Like I am dehydrated. Like I am walking and my feet ache. Like I have been swimming and my arms hurt. Like I have been crying and my eyes can't just seem to stay open anymore. Like I am too old to be considered a child. Like.. like I am weary of life; so much that I just want to sleep. 

These words have been haunting me since July of 2008. It's May of 2009. Ten months. 
It's not like I expect the words to go away after I talk to someone. After I cry. After I yell. After I sigh. After I sleep. After I talk to God. Those feelings are real. 100% real.. but they just aren't of God. So I rebuke them. But they come back each day. Is that supposed to be happening?

Usually, after I have a deep conversation about my relationship with my friend, these feelings come back pretty strong and most of the time I am not sure if what is being said to me is real or just accusations and not of the Lord. So I just wait. I'm being patient now because I cannot say anything back; God is being quiet so I'm not moving. In the mean time, I try not to hold grudges, I try not to judge, I try to love like He loves, I try to not worry. And with the Lord on my side.. I do all of that (Phil 4:13). But they are still human feelings that Satan can - and has been- manipulate to the point where I just fall down and weep. Literally.

So tonight, Kyle Mason preached about Trusting in God. 

And I realized, after realizing it was common sense for me to know, that those feelings aren't letting me trust God fully. Period.

I've given God the whole situation.. but I still worry about it. Does that show I trust Him? 

If I was in a car with a new driver, I am trusting them to be smart and drive carefully. If I am in a car with that same new driver and I am telling them what to do or how to drive.. it that showing I trust them?

The answer to both is 'no'.

So instead of crying, instead of an intense worship (even though the worship we had was intense in a different way), instead of telling someone my issue for prayers or for assurance I am doing the right thing (because if I was right and doing what God wanted me to.. would it really matter if I was doing the right thing in human eyes?). Yes I prayed for the situation today, yes I cried about it today, but I also worried, was scared, felt guilty and weary. So I gave it all back to God. 

I traded my sorrows, traded my shame.
I traded my sickness, traded my pain.
All for the Joy of the Lord.

I am pressed but not crushed.
Persecuted, but not abandoned.
Struck down, but not destroyed.
I am blessed beyond the curse.
For His promise will endure.
And His joy will be my strength.

Though the sorrow may last for the night.
His joy comes with the morning.

So yeah, I'm going to do this "Finally, brothers and sisters, keep your thoughts on whatever is right or deserves praise: things that are true, honorable, fair, pure, acceptable, or commendable." Philippians 4:8. 

or this will happen.. I will become and continually be Doubtful. Confused. Scared. Weary. Hurt. Blamed. Small. Hopeless. Guilty. Melancholy. Yeah, do I honestly want that or do I want the only thing that I live for.

John 15:20 Keep in mind the words I said to you, A servant is not greater than his lord. If they were cruel to me, they will be cruel to you; if they kept my words, they will keep yours.

2 Timothy 3:12 Yes, and all whose purpose is to be living in the knowledge of God in Christ Jesus, will be cruelly attacked.


Matthew 5:10-11 How blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to them! How blessed are you whenever people insult you, persecute you, and say all sorts of evil things against you falsely because of me!

Night. :]

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