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April 14th, 2012

Anxious and nauseous.

God says to not be anxious and I know that anxiety is what is causing my nausea.

Glance after glance toward my cell phone and no response. Two days. I should not feel this way after two days. God has everything in control. Why am I so anxious and hurt? Did I place my heart in a position to be broken again?


Yes. My answer is an unequivocal yes.

But I knew that this would take time. And would not change over night. So what are my next steps? What move am I supposed to make? Am I to sit here and "patiently" wait for him to come back around? To acknowledge me and my part in his life? Or am I to make myself known and persistently remind him to be a friend? Am I to put our friendship, our relationship, in that precarious place between falling apart permanently and a brokenness we have no clue how to even salvage through awkward conversation even I do not know how to have.

I don't know if he is truly too busy for me or if I am sensing "something" that could remind me of that time.

Either way, this anxiety, I am constantly casting back onto God but I still feel this anxiousness when I do not receive back a text of acknowledgement, of an "I love you too", of "I'm still here.." It reminds me of that time where he cut out communication because he was more comfortable with that than dealing with a relationship and communication.

No response.

How will life, our relationship, our friendship... last while I am in Texas?

God I am so scared.

Walking in His shoes..

I try to do everything for God's glory- whether it is giving someone a cup of water or ringing up customers at my tedious job. I know we're told to do everything with a joyful heart too, but don't you ever think Jesus got angry and frustrated?

Aside from the fact I'm getting paid, I get so frustrated with customers who take for granted  the service I am giving them. I get so angry with them when they take for granted the gobbs and gobbs of money they spend on chocolate and soda alone; I mean who needs 40 dollars worth of chocolate and a dozen 12 packs of soda? Why are people so selfish when so many people are in debt, using credit cards, on food stamps, work multiple jobs, and are homeless.. just to survive. So I believe Jesus got frustrated too. I mean He flipped tables in the tabernacle because the Pharisees were using it to sell goods and squander money: not pray to God! I wish there were some spiritual tables I could flip within my work at the materialism and selfishness I see daily.

But then I wonder- am I the Light that God wants me to be for my coworkers and the customers that I have the pleasure to ring up? Do I have a sour face on when I see how the customer is manipulating the sales for their own gain, when I see the couponers come in with 5 inch thick binder, full of clippings of newspapers just so they can get their 150$ purchase down to a measly 1.34$? Honestly, yes. I do. I hate it when they come in because they are fighting tooth and nail to win that sale- they fight me and call me names because I refuse to take an expired coupon. Then I am afraid of being fired or written up by my district manager because I did not please the customer.

I'm also anticipating a robbery because we are a well off store, multiple stores in the surrounding Westminster area have been robbed already. I have let my imagination run off with me and if someone comes in with a gun- it'll be pointed at me. It'd be my luck. But to top it off, there are the customers and strange men that approach all the women coworkers at my job between walking from the store and our cars, in the dark, after closing. Oh there goes my imagination again.. But to top it off, there is this one customer who "offered" to help me take off my sweatshirt. In the middle of the store. With a laugh that makes my skin crawl. This is the creepiest man I have ever met. Oh how I wish I was out of retail..

Honestly it is a lot easier to be a light to my coworkers because they deal with the customers day in and day out just like me. They see the unfair attitudes and ungrateful hearts. They work just as hard or harder because they have families to provide for. But in the end, they battle with the same stresses that I do; being fired, making the wrong move, being robbed, raped, or being sexually harassed. It has actually gone a lot easier being a Light with my coworkers. I've not pushed my beliefs on them- but I've made it aware to the ones who are curious that I am willing to talk. Some ignore me, some only speak about worldly topics, and one- she is interested but so distracted to fully pursue. I've openly prayed for them, offered prayer for them, and I've tried to the best of my ability to go the extra mile for them. I can only hope and pray that Jesus' Light is shining through my dusty lens.

Outside of my job- I wonder what I do for God. What actually counts for "following Him".. whoa. Haha- I wrote that last sentence and just got bombarded with thoughts and arguments in my head that my every step counts for following Him. Every stumble. Every good thought towards someone who is usually ignored. Every smile I share. Every hello. Each one of them doesn't not count. So- moving on now. I try so hard to not "tail" people who are driving extremely slow.. I think that constitutes as following Him a little bit because most people just ride the car in front of them like crazy until you upset them. That has happened to me a lot: both on the giving and receiving end. So essentially, what you were taught in Drivers ED was true- there is such a thing as road rage.

Also- I've heard so much about Drive By Difference off of the christian radio station. When you go through a fast food drive through- when you feel the Spirit's pulling, pay for the person's meal behind you. I've done this before- and it is rewarding! I sometimes wish I worked fast food just so I could see the reaction of the person receiving a free meal. As the car comes up to the window to pay, I would say with a smile- "Oh, your meal has been paid for. Just drive up to the next window to pick it up." That is so cool. So much like Jesus. Jesus paid for us with His death- all we are told to do is accept it and pick it up and live like Him and love Him. Wouldn't you feel immensely blessed if you were blessed with a free meal? You are blessed with a free life if you are saved.

But ultimately I began writing this blog because of this girl who I met at the hospital. Normally- I would avoid her gaze and sit in a corner unless she said hello first or God literally pushed me to speak. (Both have happened.) But my wonderful best friend always seems to start conversation right when I want to avoid it. I was actually in my sisters room in the ER waiting for her to be transferred to University of Maryland Hospital in Baltimore. Nate left to go wait for me so Pastor Mike could come in and pray with my sister, me and my mom. It was about 1am when I left my sister and my mom to go drop Nate off at his house and then head home myself and I walked into the lobby and he was talking with this girl. The had a shaved head- like she maybe had chemo.. sweatpants, a shirt that was slightly too big, scars all over her arms... but the thing that caught my eye was she was holding on so tight to life even though her own seizures seemed like they were causing her to lose sight of reality.

Nate had already let her use his phone to call her dad for a ride because the hospital did exactly what it does to my sister: send her home with no answers, unwilling to help. Even though I was exhausted- I knew I didn't want to leave until her dad got there. Her name is Brittany. I found out she was my sisters age- 21, could not hold a job due to her health, she had a 2 year old kid, and everyone she met did not care.

Sometimes, walking in Jesus' shoes feel like I'm walking in a giants shoes. I am stumbling, tripping, falling, and eventually begging God to take them off so I can run barefoot because it is more comfortable.

I was fighting that thoughts that she was high, that all of the things she was telling me were lies.. I honestly still do not know. But then, I don't have to know if its all true. Jesus knows her story and in the end, she deserves to be loved like everyone else. Because that is what Jesus would do.

Brittany went in and out of consciousness; I'm not sure if it was because she was having little seizures or not- but it was like she was fighting herself to speak. Like an entire new identity- one of numbness and non-responsiveness; a lifeless personality overcame her. At times for 5 seconds or once 5 minutes.

I want to remember all of this: I never want to forget. She was in her numb state when Nate got up to use the bathroom- Brittany's dad just got there and he went to use the restroom as well. So it was just her and I. She looked at me and told me she liked my jacket. I had on a very lightweight, hot pink windbreaker. I don't know why, but I asked her if she wanted it. She said no- but I already determined to give it to her just for the sole fact that she liked it. She had a blanket and her dad was bringing her her stuff. She got up and got her stuff together and Nate came out to leave with me. She suggested us leaving because her dad was going to the the staff of the hospital hell for doing this again to his daughter. I handed Nate the things from my pocket and took off my jacket and handed her my coat. She said "No, I don't want to take you coat!". I smiled and laughed and told her I had Nate's so she shouldn't worry. I forced it in her hands. She finally accepted it. She put it on and reached for a hug and I gave her a real hug. I told her to never forget she is love. That we loved her but ultimately God loved her. She laughed cynically and said that God is the only person who loves her. I told her, no- we did too. We wished her luck- Nate left his own gift for her and we walked out of the hospital.

Half an hour.

That's the amount of time I knew her. Too short because I want to understand her- I want her to understand God's love. But it was long enough because I haven't gotten her off my mind.

Jesus shoes, I imagine them sandals and 4 times bigger than my own feet. Yet throughout the day to day tedious work I do at my job, being a Light for my coworkers, the few times I've participated in drive through difference, and meeting Brittany and leaving her with one more coat to her name and a word of God's love- I'm confident I wore them because I was stumbling, falling, and fearful I would trip because of the little steps I was taking in such big shoes. I don't know if I wore the shoes on the correct feet the whole time... I'm just thankful I didn't beg to have them taken off. I know if I didn't have them on, I wouldn't have had the courage to do the things I did. If I were barefoot- I'd probably make up excuses for fear of my feet being trodden on.

If this post had a title..

I step into the unknown, a direction that even doubt cannot quell the truth; I will be propelled forward. Though uncomfortable at first, the timid and hesitant smile slowly changed into a playful and excited grin that steals my breath from my lungs; nothing can wipe this from my face. I've accepted a journey from One whose ways are bigger and far greater than my own- moving forward is the only option if joy and love and adventure are to be with me. With this step; a realization comes- the possibilities are endless in a life lived with unwavering courage.

Keep me here... there is nowhere else I'd rather be!

Oh the things I have taken for granted. My every breath. My home. My pillow. My friends. My family. My faith. My Savior.

Everything I am, have done, and will do, is all going to be used for His glory. Of this I know. But sometimes I cannot help but sit down and when I fully realize that my life here on earth is only a gust of wind, do I truly delve deeper into His Word and Truth. Only when I realize that He controls my breath that I focus solely on Him and not of the things of the world. Sadly… I have been in this habit for some time.

One month ago, the week before Christmas, was an extremely difficult week for me. Yet it is the one week in my entire life that I would not change for anything. That week, I thought I lost my best friend, my future, and all the plans that I know is apart of God’s plan… that I took for granted.

You see, I am going to marry my best friend: Nathaniel Paul. But because I have been surrounded by worldly things (secular and romantic music, movies, and book), divorce, and the fulfillment of desires (or so I see) by everything other than my Savior, I let the desperation of keeping my relationship with him right and strong and in Christ control me. Now that I look back, I recognize, even though I did everything right and the way it should be done (dating, that is)… I did not fully give my relationship and the outcome to God. God was telling me, as He was telling Nathaniel, that we needed to fully give “us” up to Him so we can be better and be used in bigger ways than we could ever imagine. I was scared, however. I fought it. I cried so much and I tried so hard to keep the gift God gave me. Every time I dropped Nathaniel off at school… I broke because I was afraid I would never get it back. I knew I needed to give it up to God, but I was afraid He would take it back even though I knew it was a gift from Him.

The week before Christmas, God laid on Nate’s heart to give us up for a time. Not breaking up. But a stalling and a time to spend with Jesus more fully; and individually. I, being so emotional and fighting for so long. Did not take it that way. I looked at the small picture: “Oh my goodness, you are leaving me? Asking me to wait indefinitely, no wait, not giving me a choice but to wait indefinitely for you?” And Nate, God love him.. did not know how to fully communicate his thoughts. Well.. maybe he did. Maybe I just was not willing to listen. I can believe the latter more than the former.

So.. for a week, Nate and I did not talk. I thought we broke up. Nate watched me go through this desperate phase and he went through one himself; where we broke everything of ourselves and gave it up to God. Where we fully trusted God with everything: ourselves, our future together, our relationship. Everything. And for a week, we grew. I recognized I am okay single. I am okay being just Jesus’. I am okay in my own identity as His. Only with that thought and acceptance was I able to receive Nathaniel back. I do not know everything Nate went through; that is his story to tell and one day ours to tell together. But one week; the same amount of time it took for God to create the world… centered mine back around Him.

Now I am in a time of growing by myself while Nathaniel is gone out of the country finding his calling. He is still my future husband. I love him and he loves me. We choose each other and Lord willing, we will still get married. I pray he is still going to be a part of my life. I know that is my decision, but I have to trust that God’s ways are higher than my own if it does not come to be. {Isaiah 55:9}

However, I will continue to believe and hope in the promise and friendship that God granted me through and with Nathaniel. Every Good gift is from above and from my Heavenly Father. The doubt I feel right now, and will feel some times… I give right back up to Him and continue to grown in my alone-ness and individual self.

I grow nearer to Him who is my only satisfaction and thank Him for the friendships I gain while I am here on the planet He created. Nothing else matters except showing His love to others and growing with Him, my Savior, my God.

I thank God daily for that week, where I broke and He pieced me back together, that week that will only bring Him glory, the glory He deserves alone. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Until the day I die, I give Him glory and praise and I am willing and moving forward to bring forth His kingdom. In my singleness while waiting for Nathaniel to come back to bring me with him to marriage and a journey I will never regret.

There are so many other thoughts I desire to write down, about my growth, about where I feel God is taking me, about how I have changed my view on marriage and work and worship and vantage points.. but this is where my heart is right in this moment. Thankful for that week and looking forward to the growth I have for me in this journey.

A new ending.

Step 4: If failure occurs, repeat step 1-3.

Break ups happen. Sometimes they are inevitable. Nate and I went through it unfortunately and fortunately. Throughout the time I that Nate and I were not talking, I grew closer to God and I had more of an opportunity to focus on what God is doing in me. Not my relationship with Nate. I may never the specific reasons as to why Nate and I had to go through those two times where we didn’t talk, but that’s okay because “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55).”  But I know for a fact that the two and a half years I spent with Nate, I grew abundantly. And the two times Nate and I stopped talking, I grew so much farther because God had me place everything at His feet and trust Him with my future. Mine and Nate’s two “breaks” were stepping stones that pushed me farther than I can ever imagine. But God promised me, as He promised Nate, that He has us and our relationship in His hands. He is molding us and forming us to be strong so we can bring Him glory. By doing my relationship with Nate this way, I saved my heart from much heartbreak when we split. It still hurt a lot, Nate and I won’t ever have the carefree friendship we had. No, our relationship is much stronger because of it. Our life together is going to be used to bring others hope and promises. Our relationship is a testimony and 30 years down the road when our children ask us about dating, we’ll know exactly what to say because we know it’s not about us or what we do. It’s about our willingness to allow what God wants and desires.

I know that sometimes relationships end completely after “breaks” and “break ups”. And all I can say is no relationship ends perfectly as it was before. It hurts because that person is a real best friend and it will continue to hurt for some time because of all of the time you put into that relationship, only to have it end. But that is okay. Everything will be okay.  By focusing on God, becoming the right person, and by loving your boyfriend like God loves us, like I love Nathan, with God’s love instead of handing them our hearts without considering the consequences, we can and will save ourselves a ton of pain. I will always love Nathan, with God’s love, and with the love he deserves as a man of God from the woman he plans to marry. I know that my journey with Nate brought us to a point where this verse “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. (Philippians 1:9-10)” is true and will continue to come true for me. My love will abound more in knowledge and depth that my God, Nathan, and our future children will cherish and praise. All because I allowed God to mold me before I ever decided to becoming a part of something that is a molding of two separate lives. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)”.  Within delighting God before everything, He will grant the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4 and Psalm145:19). I never desired my relationship with Nathan to go through those tough times. I prayed so hard that we would stay together, that God would protect our friendship. He was my first love. But God knows the plans for me, plans not to harm me but to prosper me. (Jer. 29:11) I took those situations and I learned that I would have been okay if Nate and I did not get back together.  The pain I felt through the silence and arguments we had, the joy I felt through the quality time and serving time we spent together, and the relief and praise I felt as we came to an agreement to get back together, that our separations were to grow us closer, were pivotal in my growth as a woman. I will gladly and readily jump forward to where God is calling me and I am thankful that Nate will be by my side and that we placed God before us.

By doing my relationship with Nathan this way, God’s way, I followed God’s will and I will continue to live this out, holy and God will continue to bless us and grow us even closer more than we can ever imagine. “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7)”