Oh the things I have taken for granted. My every breath. My home. My pillow. My friends. My family. My faith. My Savior.
Everything I am, have done, and will do, is all going to be used for
His glory. Of this I know. But sometimes I cannot help but sit down and
when I fully realize that my life here on earth is only a gust of wind,
do I truly delve deeper into His Word and Truth. Only when I realize
that He controls my breath that I focus solely on Him and not of the
things of the world. Sadly… I have been in this habit for some time.
One month ago, the week before Christmas, was an extremely difficult
week for me. Yet it is the one week in my entire life that I would not
change for anything. That week, I thought I lost my best friend, my
future, and all the plans that I know is apart of God’s plan… that I
took for granted.
You see, I am going to marry my best friend: Nathaniel Paul. But
because I have been surrounded by worldly things (secular and romantic
music, movies, and book), divorce, and the fulfillment of desires (or so
I see) by everything other than my Savior, I let the desperation of
keeping my relationship with him right and strong and in Christ control
me. Now that I look back, I recognize, even though I did everything
right and the way it should be done (dating, that is)… I did not fully
give my relationship and the outcome to God. God was telling me, as He
was telling Nathaniel, that we needed to fully give “us” up to Him so we
can be better and be used in bigger ways than we could ever imagine. I
was scared, however. I fought it. I cried so much and I tried so hard to
keep the gift God gave me. Every time I dropped Nathaniel off at
school… I broke because I was afraid I would never get it back. I knew I
needed to give it up to God, but I was afraid He would take it back
even though I knew it was a gift from Him.
The week before Christmas, God laid on Nate’s heart to give us up for
a time. Not breaking up. But a stalling and a time to spend with Jesus
more fully; and individually. I, being so emotional and fighting for so
long. Did not take it that way. I looked at the small picture: “Oh my
goodness, you are leaving me? Asking me to wait indefinitely, no wait,
not giving me a choice but to wait indefinitely for you?” And Nate, God
love him.. did not know how to fully communicate his thoughts. Well..
maybe he did. Maybe I just was not willing to listen. I can believe the
latter more than the former.
So.. for a week, Nate and I did not talk. I thought we broke up. Nate
watched me go through this desperate phase and he went through one
himself; where we broke everything of ourselves and gave it up to God.
Where we fully trusted God with everything: ourselves, our future
together, our relationship. Everything. And for a week, we grew. I
recognized I am okay single. I am okay being just Jesus’. I am okay in
my own identity as His. Only with that thought and acceptance was I able
to receive Nathaniel back. I do not know everything Nate went through;
that is his story to tell and one day ours to tell together. But one
week; the same amount of time it took for God to create the world…
centered mine back around Him.
Now I am in a time of growing by myself while Nathaniel is gone out
of the country finding his calling. He is still my future husband. I
love him and he loves me. We choose each other and Lord willing, we will
still get married. I pray he is still going to be a part of my life. I
know that is my decision, but I have to trust that God’s ways are higher
than my own if it does not come to be. {Isaiah 55:9}
However, I will continue to believe and hope in the promise and
friendship that God granted me through and with Nathaniel. Every Good
gift is from above and from my Heavenly Father. The doubt I feel right
now, and will feel some times… I give right back up to Him and continue
to grown in my alone-ness and individual self.
I grow nearer to Him who is my only satisfaction and thank Him for
the friendships I gain while I am here on the planet He created. Nothing
else matters except showing His love to others and growing with Him, my
Savior, my God.
I thank God daily for that week, where I broke and He pieced me back
together, that week that will only bring Him glory, the glory He deserves alone. I
wouldn’t change it for anything. Until the day I die, I give Him glory
and praise and I am willing and moving forward to bring forth His
kingdom. In my singleness while waiting for Nathaniel to come back to
bring me with him to marriage and a journey I will never regret.
There are so many other thoughts I desire to write down, about my growth, about where I feel God is taking me, about how I have changed my view on marriage and work and worship and vantage points.. but this is where my heart is right in this moment. Thankful for that week and looking forward to the growth I have for me in this journey.
No comments:
Post a Comment