The words I couldn't say.

Dear Mister,

The only words I could verbalize were "Hush, I'm praying" and "I love you."

The words I couldn't say are going to be written here for you. I don't know if I should be writing to you, speaking to you, or thinking of you right now but I will think of you, and I will write to you until this is all over. Unless God tells me other wise. However, just to clarify, this is the only thing you will read that is directly written to you. This what I wanted to say last night. Its what I couldn't say last night. Its me. The real me. 100% of me. Wholly broken and completely lost.

So, "I'm sorry I was mute." I knew if I spoke, or thought, or took a single breath I'd break down. I'm so tired of breaking down. This is really hard. I know it's hard for you too otherwise we wouldn't have fought God for so long. I'm hurting, but I'm okay. Honesty, I don't know why I'm crying right now because I'm really fine. I believe our promises. God's promises. I don't understand why I'm so.. unbalanced. My thoughts are swirling around my mind so fast that I can't pin any thought down or make it clear enough to think much less say. When you first told me what you want to do because ultimately, it's the right thing to do, its honoring God and its doing His will for your life right now... I relented. I knew what you spoke was truth. And I won't fight you. I can't fight you. Who am I anyway, to ask you to do something you do not want to do? I didn't know how to say any of that to you then, because even more, I knew that it didn't matter in the end. You were going to follow God, let me go, and fly. So, I relented. I hope you accept my silence for what it was.

"I'm sorry I pushed you away." I couldn't think of letting you hold me. Comfort me. Encourage me. When all that was going to happen next was that you'd let go. I'm sorry I wasn't thinking of you. I'm sorry I'm still thinking that. Its selfish.

"I'm sorry I ignored God." I've known since God first said in November that we needed to honor all the rules. I honestly did try. I did do it. But I stopped. I didn't like it. I knew I was going to grow. I knew God was wanting to teach me. But I didn't know how to love you from afar. To be patient in EVERY way. I was selfish. I 'needed' you. I wanted to have as much as you as I could even though God wanted my attention and He wanted yours. I hindered you. I hindered me. I realize that I was keeping God from giving us everything we need for our future together. And I'm sorry.

"Run, baby, run." Even though that song is written from God to you.. those words are from me to you for right now. I will not hinder you any longer. I will not keep you tied down. I will not keep you from growing to who God wants you to be. To who you want to be. To who you are born to be. We'll have our time, I know we will. So I say to you.. run. Run as hard and as fast as you can. Until you see God. Until you encounter His glory. Until you learn everything He wants for you and everything you've missed while we were talking. Run.

"I'm praying for you." I always will. I'll never stop. Every night. Every morning. You'll be in my prayers. For your strength. For your endurance. For you to not miss me. For you to grow. For you to be safe. For you to accept. For your future. For your plans. For your hopes. For your dreams. For your clarity. For your health. For your thoughts. For your actions. For your desires to be holy. For you to hear from Him. For you to understand Him.

Mister, I'm okay. I'm letting go. I'm letting God. Right now its hard and it hurts. But I know part of it's because I didn't listen to God. Because I messed up. Because I missed out on God. Because I had you mess up and miss out too. Because I know it might be harder than it would have been before because I didn't accept what God wanted and I grew closer with you. Sigh.. I just have to take each day at a time. And I will. Starting it out with God and letting Him hold me.

I love you. That will never change. My promise is sure. That will not change. At the end of this.. We'll be stronger because we're letting God change us now. I know it.

So, run baby. Run and grow.

BINGBINGBINGBING: attitude check!

Today has been hard. I've been really trying this week, especially since I've had my last emotional break down on my mother and best friend, and I don't feel successful at all today. In any area.

My mind.
My attitude.
My emotions.
My job.
My confidence..

Sigh.

And today I've been really slow.

I know there are days that I will fail, but in choosing confidence for my one word, I have to physically, emotionally and spiritually choose (more like force myself) to be confident and not discouraged.

What I'm working on are not easy things to change. But things I know that only God can change in me because I know if I tried to on my own, man.. I'd fail miserably. And He can only change me if I'm honestly willing to let Him do so. And lately I've not been willing.

So my prayers are "God.. please change my attitude towards (enter area of life that currently sucks here) because I know it's not right and I want to be better".

So far, this week I've mostly been working on my attitude at work. I've found myself in a habit of being negative whenever dealing with an irritable customer. If I'm doing something on the sales floor and that stupid annoying bell is hit numerous times rung, I have to practically sprint up the aisle to take care of that annoying,  our regular customer (one that also likes to argue with me and I can't even understand a word they say to begin with) or they become pissy at me. It's also rung like that while I'm standing two feet away from said customer.

Needless to say. It was easy to fall into that rut.

So I'm praying whenever I hear that bell, that God changes my attitude.

One Word

Confident

That.. adjective.. is so far from who I think I am. I've never been confident in who I am. In what I decide for myself. In how I live. In what i believe. In my actions. In my words. In my art. In my voice. In my looks. In my relationships. In my family. In my friends. In my job. In my church. In my entire life. 

I've never felt confidence, or when I have felt confidence, it has only been for a second because I have either succeeded at a task or received a compliment for how I handled something. Or just because I was admired..
But then I usually went right back to doubting myself and ultimately, God. I never believe what was told to me.

And that is wrong of me. To not believe I can do and be the best I can be. God made me in His image! Who am I to say I'm not good enough? (Genesis 1:27)

SO, this new year. Instead of making a list of 'new year resolutions' to 'fix myself' (which I never do anyway, new years resolutions I mean).. I'm going to choose to follow the One Word Challenge): mine is to be confident in every area of my life. (I was just searching through blogs online and I found this link to this other blogger's page who followed the challenged to this other blogger's page who followed the challenge.. haha, to the one who started this very personal challenge for herself..)

I once read somewhere, " If it's something I cannot do without God, it is something I know He wants me to do. Because if I didn't need Him to help me, would I really grow to my full potential?"

This is going to be hard. I'm going to fail many times. But I'm going to be confident in 2011.

C'è Una Ragione.

"C'est La Vie"

"It is life"

This been my motto lately. A part of me agrees with it. Yet the other part of me knows that that statement gives me reason to accept that there isn't a purpose as to why everything happens the way it does.

Yes, life does 'just happen' sometimes. But everything has a reason. We may live in an extremely sinful world and we may mess up and choose to look at everything with a distorted view, choose to live in a fun house with all those funky mirrors, choose to create a fake world where we aren't being who we are made to be. But there is always a reason to live. A reason to laugh. A reason to love. A reason to die. A reason to cry. A reason to hate. A reason to sing. A reason to be silent.

There is always a reason for everything. And God uses all of them according to His plan and His purpose.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. 


There is a reason.

Please?

Somedays, all I feel I can do is breathe.

I'm working two jobs, trying to keep my car in good condition (which is a feat in itself, i do not speak car lingo), getting physically and emotionally prepared for college in the Spring. I'm constantly running too and from Westminster at least 10 times in a weeks span, and lately, three times a day. I'm burning my hard earned money as fast as the gas escapes my car. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for my car insurance each month, contribute towards the house bills, pay for college and all its supplies. I'm also starting to buy my own clothing and anything else I need health-wise. I am trying to figure out how to become healthy, physically. I don't have the energy to do anything.. but I know its because I'm not healthy.

That is only the materialistic view of my life.

My relationships are only kept up if they are extremely close to me. Anyone else, its just a 'howdy-do to you'. So, that accounts for.. what, my family and two, three others?

I'm learning how to set my priorities correctly and how to take what is good for me and drop the bad, or if I can't drop it.. learn from it. I'm learning how to bite my tongue.. but even that is difficult when I have a four year old yelling my name all the time. I'm trying to be responsible because my mother asking me to do her favors when she is swamped with being a mother, keep up my own responsibilities at home, being there for my friends when they are in need of an ear to hear them out and giving advice when asked. I'm also trying my darn well best to be understanding and supportive to my very best friend and the one whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with (which now I've committed to not speak to him for GOD knows how long).. and I feel I fail miserably at that because I'm angry and frustrated at.. well, everything.

My spiritual self.. well, that part of me feels on hold lately. My conversations with God are short and simple:

"God.. yeah, you know what. Kaybye." or if I'm up to putting emotion in it I add a scream of frustration.

I've been trying to uphold longer talks with the Man Upstairs.. but I just cannot find the words. I desire God to speak to me. Sigh.. I'm just so tried of feeling like I have to change every thought, every emotion of mine lately because it's all negative and frustrated. I know God wants me to be me and He'll guide me into who He desires me to become, but lately I just feel so selfish and annoying and rude and not who I know I can be, who He knows I am. How can anyone still love me with how I've been acting? This is NOT me.

I'm completely negative lately and I cannot stand it. I try my best to bite my tongue but that is very difficult to do. I hate having all this negativity mulling around in my spirit and I don't know how to stop it. I see all these amazing "future" promises and now all I feel is a giant wall barricading my way called "PATIENCE". Like I was running towards my future and not walking slowly? Now I need to be in a dead stop? Really? Joy in the trial? What's joy? I don't understand this joy you speak of? Peace..? Huh? I'm confused.. *Note the intense sarcasm here, yes it's directed towards you God, probably not smart, I know. But hey.. at least I'm still talking to You.*

God, I know you desire my attention, fully.. and honestly, it was slightly easier to divert it upwards after the communication has been cut off between my best friend and I, but I feel only for a few days. Gosh, this past week.. God, it's been so freaking hard! It's so difficult to change my view from 'me' to 'You' because everything is hitting me all at once and I can't feel anything. I feel all I have the strength to do is to breathe! I want to say I don't care, but that isn't true. I may feel apathetic lately on many things. But I care. I care so much that I'm exhausted. I try soo hard, but I doubt even more.

God I need You and I don't have the strength anymore for anything.

When I do let someone in on how I've been feeling, like my mom, or my sisters, or my best friend (when we were talking), I kept hearing the same darn thing. Dangit! "Seem like you need to change your view point! What's positive? What can you be thankful for? Do this.. do that... ect ect ect! Read your bible! Go to church! Have quiet time!" On top of "You need to spend more time with the family, you're always down stairs 'secluding' yourself. You always make time for this, that, and the other and you don't come and watch a movie with us? You stay down there and 'live' on facebook, you can come up for a while. You're slacking on your chores, half time time your on facebook or talking, you could be done with your chores and helping us where we need it".. List after list after list.. I feel soo much pressure and no outlet to help me! I have to provide for myself and my emotional needs and I have to come up and be expected to not 'lash out' when I'm upset because I'm being expected to do more than I've ever had?

Yes, I know.. others, some less fortunate than me, have three jobs, kids, bills upon bills.. still find time to do what I do and more. THEN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I'm almost to the point where I feel I'm just cracked and lazy and ill-equipped to live life correctly and follow God fully, to have a family, to have a future, to go to school, have a relationship when I can barely deal with everything that I already have on my plate (which is minimal compared to others and some who are even less fortunate, of course)?

I feel like I'm justifying all of my emotions and my entire being when I speak about any of this. I feel like because I'm so negative lately.. who would, in their sane ways, want to wait for me.. much less die for me.  I feel like alls I do is have a giant pity party.

I just want to cry. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. With becoming an adult, being a helpful friend always willing to lend a hand and a smile, even at three in the morning, with striving to become a wise (proverbs 31) woman, vigilant in prayer and fasting.. I can't deal with these emotions! I just want someone to give me a hug and say "It's okay, I know you'll get past this", not tell me what I 'should' do. I tired of hearing what others think about 'how' I should go to God, 'what' I should give to God. Don't you already think I've already given it to God. I really have. And I know He's taken it from me. But that doesn't stop me from having to deal with life.

Sigh.. okay, here you go. My life as of late. All open all honest. My fears, my prayers, everything you wouldn't want to know. Now its time to go to work. God, again I ask you. Please show me something today, that You are still holding me? Please?