This doesn't have a title..

I don't know where to start or what to start with. All I want to do in this moment is cry and cry hard. Eat some mint chocolate chip ice cream and cry again. I have made a million changes in the past year.. none of them I regret but suddenly the repercussions are hitting me and all I feel I can do is suck in and barely exhale. I'm overwhelmed by everything and I so desperately want control but I don't have it. I can't have it. I just want to be okay. Only time can heal this mess I am right now..

I'll wrap up a little bit of what I've done. A lot of it I'm still not fully accepting but it's hitting me nonetheless.

I went out of the country, to Ecuador with 25 amazing people, and I let go of a lot things that I took responsibility for that was not my burden to carry. I grew so much and realized I am crazy hard on myself. I came back with a fear and excitement of what was to come.

When I got home, it was difficult transitioning into life with the routines I gained over the summer. But I managed knowing full well that God has me. But I was thrown some realizations that I was not expecting to run into.

Six weeks after I got home, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years because I am not in love with him anymore, and with full knowledge that we won't get back together again. I gave my boss my 2 weeks, said my farewells to my parents and siblings, and I moved halfway across the country so I can eventually go to school.

I live with my older brother now and his two dogs, trying to find my place in a town I am not used to but strangely feel at home in. I am surrounded by new friends and old memories of everything I once had. I'm mourning everything that I was once so stubbornly for sure about; yet I am reminded I am making for myself a person. A new person. God has wrecked my world and in such a way I know I can only be more beautiful and I'm excited. Yet right now I am in pain. I hurt. I'm scared. I feel alone. I don't know how I can do this. And I miss, I miss.. I honestly don't know if I miss anything.  I miss the wonderful memories I have but I know I have a better life here because this is where God wants me.

I look at Facebook daily; I'm keeping in contact with my family and my coworker and my best girl friends... but everything else just honestly makes me sick. Sick in my soul and I feel bitter because I am not apart of what I held so dearly. I don't want to be bitter. I'm angry that I'm bitter.

This is where I stand. I have no ice cream, I'm crying, and I'm bitter. Tomorrow- I'll get up and live in the present. I'll make new memories and let the old pass away as God brings in the new. Tonight I'm caving in. I've been holding it in for so long but I don't care, it's coming out.

Transitions and purpose.

Heat, flash thunderstorms, faster lanes, Mexican food, homegroup, volleyball, mosquito bites, late nights, true worship, sincerity...... Lack of focus. I am surrounded by all of these things; God's hand is so evident in my move to TX. I know I am supposed to be here fore a reason. To grow, to live, most of all to become the woman of God He has designed that only experience can mold me into.

What I haven't forced myself to do is get up early to run and have my quiet time. I need that habitual routine in my life; that constant reminder of His love and purpose for my life. His promises continuously falling into my spirit so that my actions of daily life are only a little bit of what His love is truly doing in me.

Half of my summer was that- consistent in His love and I couldn't get enough. Moving down south to Bryan, Texas I feel the heat. My soul is parched for more of Him and I feel so weak to even turn on the water. That is why I am so grateful that He is so faithful and pusposeful in where He places me in life. The homegroup I found is not from the church I saw online. A friend of mine, her cousin lives down here and she invited me to her homegroup to get connected. I fell in love. They are all so sincere about their walk with Christ and their actions and speech exude that with a profound everything. I am in awe of how much God is taking care of me in my anxiety and scattered brain thoughts.

Especially with saying goodbye to my parents. That was hard. I am still shocked I am living in TX. I am 26 hours away from my mother and father. They are what I really miss back in MD. Everything else- they are only a shadow of my feelings. It's my secure family- the knowledge I am always welcome back home no matter what I did or did not do. The faith they had in me- they still have in me halfway across the country. It's overwhelming I cannot crawl back in to their bed and cover up when I am scared or sad or overwhelmed. All I have is my bed. And my new friends Ali, Carly, Jess, and Stacey. But I will always admit there is nothing like your parents bed- the comfort and secure feeling you get when you hide away from life.

But I am here. Trying not to freak out I do not have a job. Trying not to freak out I have $500 worth of debt in my credit card and an almost $200 doctors bill. I want that paid off now so I can start raising some money for school.

Ah.. yes. The reason I wanted to come here. To go to school.  I cannot wait til Fall of next year. I want to study so badly. I want to get my degree. I want to learn. I want to be able to use what God has given me for His glory. I wish I were in school now- I wish it would all be paid off before I even attend so I don't have to worry about student loans or anything. I just want to learn! Sigh.. it is such a hunger in my soul. Both for His word and the written word of our culture and the surrounding cultures. Being stuck working is a pain.

But I am where I am right now for a reason- God will get me to school. It will be paid for and I will be growing and moving in the direction He has for me. I just pray I embrace the future transitions as well I have for this big one of moving out for the first time. I know with Christ I can. I just pray my focus stays on Him. Nothing else. It's so hard though.. especially with all these cute boys around. ;) Haha.. sigh.

I am thankful that God is teaching me patience. I honestly am. When I am ready for a relationship of that stature, it'll be here. As of right now. I'm fighting to be content with the hand I am delt. His love alone. With that I am content. I am secure.

Behind these hazel eyes..

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Which to bury- us or the hatchet?

I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
The memories that you select
You keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for naught

[chorus:]
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
'cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
'cause you took this too far

what happened to us
I heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

I'm not hurting you.

One more thing that life could throw on top of me and I know it: I'll fall off of the fine wire I am balancing on.

I can honestly say I have successfully turned my brain off for the past two weeks. So much stuff has happened and the one thing that has remained constant is God's blessings for my mission trip this summer. Throughout everything going on- not hearing or feeling God near me, the feeling of losing my best friend through our breakup, my sister losing her memory of me (its back, but not all of it), being late to work every day even though I've left on time or early, being billed and having it surprise me because I was told I did not have a copay (no matter what they say, one nurse told me I did not have one!), and then proceeding to break down in tears at the doctors office because one other nurse felt I was giving attitude because I had not previously taken time to understand my insurance.. *hint hint* therefore I was "justly" reminded I'm in the big world now and I have to pay bills.

There is no romance book right now that can successfully take me out of this reality and place me into another without being reminded of everything I once felt. There is no movie right now where a heroine (not the drug) who overcomes everything thrown at her and sees the positive in a most negative enemy, that can make me forget how human I am for not overcoming the emotions I am feeling. There is no blog that can anyone could write that will make me doubt they are not feeling like an avalanche is crumbling on top of them, at all of the things going on.

Thing after thing after thing..

I've been wanting to write for a while- but I have not felt the motivation to. I still don't as I am sitting here. But I need these thoughts out of my head!

I do not know what to do or say when it comes to my best friend and I breaking up. I am thrown up against a wall it seems. I did not feel the same things from God as he did- all I feel now and throughout the past six months was doubt that I deserved being placed or choosing a relationship where he could not promise anything. Choosing to be in a "maybe" relationship is hard on a heart- any heart- no matter how you look at it. He's been gone for one week- we have not talked for almost three; although last I heard he wanted to talk. I don't know if I can talk, if I should talk, what will happen if we do talk, what will i say, what should I say, should I say anything, can we even talk without arguing, should we talk without arguing? The reason he broke up with me, there is no room for me to argue, for me to even be angry or upset. Yet I desperately so want to. I am upset, I am angry. I am hurt.

The only thing God has told me is that HE is not hurting me. God is not hurting me. He is not out to hurt me. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So, there I go. God's not hurting me- yet I am hurt. What do i do with my hurt? Hah.. praise Him in the storm. I have all the answers already- I just want the answers to be enough to make my pain go away.

With my sister- we've been having issues for a while. Her trusting me- me trusting her. With her memory loss, it's even harder. She is irritated and I cannot say or do anything out of line or it'll hurt her. Then I'll have more than I can handle on me. So I'm stressing out treading on egg shells trying not to break too many. She came to me the other night and hugged me because she doesn't want to have issues. So far- she's the only person who has hugged me to make it better and it worked.

Work and bills and being in the big world.. man. I've been in it for two years now. When I move to Texas- I'll really be in it. So everyone just accept I know somewhat of what I am doing so don't hate me when I stumble or I'm frustrated that "life happens" and I don't like it. I'll deal with it because, guess what, yeah, I am a big girl. I work. I make money. I pay for my cell phone bill. Everything for my car. My medicine. My Dr bills. Just because the Dr Office did not tell me it would take almost 3 months until I had to pay them and then they suddenly bill me and get on my case for not understanding my insurance.. I should stand there and not let just a little bit of my frustration show? Yeah, not gonna happen. Stupid adults who think I'm not capable of having an adult conversation: which means I'm understanding and I still do what I need to but the other party allows me to express my distaste for how the insurance runs and how the doctors did not FULLY inform me of how they work.

I do that better at my job.

Now about moving- gosh it scares me so much. I haven't told anyone this because the one I want to tell doesn't want to listen. When I move out- I doubt I'll move back home. I'm fully out. I cannot come home to mom and have her help me with my issues. I cannot come home and not have to pay rent. I cannot come home and go right to bed because I'll have home work from being at school full time while working full time. I am so scared. Questions of can I handle it, should I do it, what if things get better up here and I move and I miss out on real growth in the areas above, what if I mess up to much down there, what if I get a mean boss,  what will I tell me boss up here, what if I cannot find a job, what if I fail school..? But I'm forcing these questions out of my mind. I've been deliberately not thinking of them because then I won't move. I won't get out of Maryland. I won't go to school. I won't make a life. I won't grow in the opportunity that God has in front of me.

But up first is Ecuador. I'm leaving the country in 41 days. For a month. By myself. God had three different people tell me to leave the country on a mission trip. Actually two people- one told me twice. So I decided. I took my step of faith and I applied. I started raising funds. And now I am 450$ and a domestic plane ticket  away from leaving. It is so close and I am so excited about this. It cannot come soon enough and yet I am patiently waiting because there is SO much to do until I leave. I have lists I have to make, shots to get, things to buy, and a suitcase to fill. But I am going. And I cannot go soon enough.

So here I am. Laying on my couch with my dogs because they listen and don't argue their point back, they cuddle and don't tell me i'm young and clueless about life, they care and don't change their mind, they love and it is physically here and not just words.

So, I'll get up and go to work tonight. Shut off my mind to my pain right now. I'll busy myself and hope that I am open to God's voice throughout blocking out everything else. I calm myself and hope that I'm not doing the wrong thing in just breathing instead of breathing the extra mile too. I'll do my devotion, i'll go to church, I'll write a skit for my middle schoolers, I'll take it a day at a time.. but sometimes I feel it is too late. I've done something wrong too much and too often; so I don't trust myself to it right.

I have a huge playlist of my heart too: take a listen and you'll hear what I feel. I have a feeling there is another song out there that needs to be on this list- but I haven't hear it yet.

Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
Behind these hazel eyes- Kelly Clarkson
Safe- Britt Nicole
Which to busy us or the hatchet-  Relient K
Texas Angel - Honeybrowne
Unbroken- Demi Lovato
I wont give up on us- Jason Mraz

Hysteria.

April, 20th, 2012

That is what my life has been for the past few months. Complete hysteria. I have been blessed immensely- don't get me wrong, but everything that could go wrong has seemingly gone wrong in the midst of God's blessings in my life. I have grown in many, many ways.. I have become more of who I need to be in my own identity, I have gotten out of my own shoes more and into Jesus', and I have accepted some things that I normally would not have accepted because I did not think I could handle it.

I still don't think I can handle it; I am walking on a thin wire now as it is.

This week so much has happened. I don't see myself making it through the weekend- but I have to. I have to take one more step even though my muscles are screaming out for me to stop running. My heart is telling me to stop feeling but feeling and letting my emotions run their course is the only thing that will remind me that I am human and these feelings will grow my endurance. My mind is telling me to stop thinking, but I have to keep thinking, dwelling, pondering.. because that is the only thing that will challenge me to see the impossible and believe the improbable. But its so hard. I cannot go robotic 100% of the time, yet I find myself robotic until I am all alone and able to express my thoughts and feelings completely without hurting my sister, my mom or any of my friends because of my decisions and my thoughts and my desires! Yet- this numbness feeling watching my sister forget me, my best friend fall away, my girl friend push me to embrace the suffering I am enduring, my mother deal with this pain of watching her daughter fight a fight that only she can face... Gosh, why in the world is this happening?

I have no answers. No solutions. No reasons. None.

I just keep walking- reminding myself to trust that God knows what is going on and that He has the outcome under control.

Sigh.

More?

April 14th, 2012

Anxious and nauseous.

God says to not be anxious and I know that anxiety is what is causing my nausea.

Glance after glance toward my cell phone and no response. Two days. I should not feel this way after two days. God has everything in control. Why am I so anxious and hurt? Did I place my heart in a position to be broken again?


Yes. My answer is an unequivocal yes.

But I knew that this would take time. And would not change over night. So what are my next steps? What move am I supposed to make? Am I to sit here and "patiently" wait for him to come back around? To acknowledge me and my part in his life? Or am I to make myself known and persistently remind him to be a friend? Am I to put our friendship, our relationship, in that precarious place between falling apart permanently and a brokenness we have no clue how to even salvage through awkward conversation even I do not know how to have.

I don't know if he is truly too busy for me or if I am sensing "something" that could remind me of that time.

Either way, this anxiety, I am constantly casting back onto God but I still feel this anxiousness when I do not receive back a text of acknowledgement, of an "I love you too", of "I'm still here.." It reminds me of that time where he cut out communication because he was more comfortable with that than dealing with a relationship and communication.

No response.

How will life, our relationship, our friendship... last while I am in Texas?

God I am so scared.

Walking in His shoes..

I try to do everything for God's glory- whether it is giving someone a cup of water or ringing up customers at my tedious job. I know we're told to do everything with a joyful heart too, but don't you ever think Jesus got angry and frustrated?

Aside from the fact I'm getting paid, I get so frustrated with customers who take for granted  the service I am giving them. I get so angry with them when they take for granted the gobbs and gobbs of money they spend on chocolate and soda alone; I mean who needs 40 dollars worth of chocolate and a dozen 12 packs of soda? Why are people so selfish when so many people are in debt, using credit cards, on food stamps, work multiple jobs, and are homeless.. just to survive. So I believe Jesus got frustrated too. I mean He flipped tables in the tabernacle because the Pharisees were using it to sell goods and squander money: not pray to God! I wish there were some spiritual tables I could flip within my work at the materialism and selfishness I see daily.

But then I wonder- am I the Light that God wants me to be for my coworkers and the customers that I have the pleasure to ring up? Do I have a sour face on when I see how the customer is manipulating the sales for their own gain, when I see the couponers come in with 5 inch thick binder, full of clippings of newspapers just so they can get their 150$ purchase down to a measly 1.34$? Honestly, yes. I do. I hate it when they come in because they are fighting tooth and nail to win that sale- they fight me and call me names because I refuse to take an expired coupon. Then I am afraid of being fired or written up by my district manager because I did not please the customer.

I'm also anticipating a robbery because we are a well off store, multiple stores in the surrounding Westminster area have been robbed already. I have let my imagination run off with me and if someone comes in with a gun- it'll be pointed at me. It'd be my luck. But to top it off, there are the customers and strange men that approach all the women coworkers at my job between walking from the store and our cars, in the dark, after closing. Oh there goes my imagination again.. But to top it off, there is this one customer who "offered" to help me take off my sweatshirt. In the middle of the store. With a laugh that makes my skin crawl. This is the creepiest man I have ever met. Oh how I wish I was out of retail..

Honestly it is a lot easier to be a light to my coworkers because they deal with the customers day in and day out just like me. They see the unfair attitudes and ungrateful hearts. They work just as hard or harder because they have families to provide for. But in the end, they battle with the same stresses that I do; being fired, making the wrong move, being robbed, raped, or being sexually harassed. It has actually gone a lot easier being a Light with my coworkers. I've not pushed my beliefs on them- but I've made it aware to the ones who are curious that I am willing to talk. Some ignore me, some only speak about worldly topics, and one- she is interested but so distracted to fully pursue. I've openly prayed for them, offered prayer for them, and I've tried to the best of my ability to go the extra mile for them. I can only hope and pray that Jesus' Light is shining through my dusty lens.

Outside of my job- I wonder what I do for God. What actually counts for "following Him".. whoa. Haha- I wrote that last sentence and just got bombarded with thoughts and arguments in my head that my every step counts for following Him. Every stumble. Every good thought towards someone who is usually ignored. Every smile I share. Every hello. Each one of them doesn't not count. So- moving on now. I try so hard to not "tail" people who are driving extremely slow.. I think that constitutes as following Him a little bit because most people just ride the car in front of them like crazy until you upset them. That has happened to me a lot: both on the giving and receiving end. So essentially, what you were taught in Drivers ED was true- there is such a thing as road rage.

Also- I've heard so much about Drive By Difference off of the christian radio station. When you go through a fast food drive through- when you feel the Spirit's pulling, pay for the person's meal behind you. I've done this before- and it is rewarding! I sometimes wish I worked fast food just so I could see the reaction of the person receiving a free meal. As the car comes up to the window to pay, I would say with a smile- "Oh, your meal has been paid for. Just drive up to the next window to pick it up." That is so cool. So much like Jesus. Jesus paid for us with His death- all we are told to do is accept it and pick it up and live like Him and love Him. Wouldn't you feel immensely blessed if you were blessed with a free meal? You are blessed with a free life if you are saved.

But ultimately I began writing this blog because of this girl who I met at the hospital. Normally- I would avoid her gaze and sit in a corner unless she said hello first or God literally pushed me to speak. (Both have happened.) But my wonderful best friend always seems to start conversation right when I want to avoid it. I was actually in my sisters room in the ER waiting for her to be transferred to University of Maryland Hospital in Baltimore. Nate left to go wait for me so Pastor Mike could come in and pray with my sister, me and my mom. It was about 1am when I left my sister and my mom to go drop Nate off at his house and then head home myself and I walked into the lobby and he was talking with this girl. The had a shaved head- like she maybe had chemo.. sweatpants, a shirt that was slightly too big, scars all over her arms... but the thing that caught my eye was she was holding on so tight to life even though her own seizures seemed like they were causing her to lose sight of reality.

Nate had already let her use his phone to call her dad for a ride because the hospital did exactly what it does to my sister: send her home with no answers, unwilling to help. Even though I was exhausted- I knew I didn't want to leave until her dad got there. Her name is Brittany. I found out she was my sisters age- 21, could not hold a job due to her health, she had a 2 year old kid, and everyone she met did not care.

Sometimes, walking in Jesus' shoes feel like I'm walking in a giants shoes. I am stumbling, tripping, falling, and eventually begging God to take them off so I can run barefoot because it is more comfortable.

I was fighting that thoughts that she was high, that all of the things she was telling me were lies.. I honestly still do not know. But then, I don't have to know if its all true. Jesus knows her story and in the end, she deserves to be loved like everyone else. Because that is what Jesus would do.

Brittany went in and out of consciousness; I'm not sure if it was because she was having little seizures or not- but it was like she was fighting herself to speak. Like an entire new identity- one of numbness and non-responsiveness; a lifeless personality overcame her. At times for 5 seconds or once 5 minutes.

I want to remember all of this: I never want to forget. She was in her numb state when Nate got up to use the bathroom- Brittany's dad just got there and he went to use the restroom as well. So it was just her and I. She looked at me and told me she liked my jacket. I had on a very lightweight, hot pink windbreaker. I don't know why, but I asked her if she wanted it. She said no- but I already determined to give it to her just for the sole fact that she liked it. She had a blanket and her dad was bringing her her stuff. She got up and got her stuff together and Nate came out to leave with me. She suggested us leaving because her dad was going to the the staff of the hospital hell for doing this again to his daughter. I handed Nate the things from my pocket and took off my jacket and handed her my coat. She said "No, I don't want to take you coat!". I smiled and laughed and told her I had Nate's so she shouldn't worry. I forced it in her hands. She finally accepted it. She put it on and reached for a hug and I gave her a real hug. I told her to never forget she is love. That we loved her but ultimately God loved her. She laughed cynically and said that God is the only person who loves her. I told her, no- we did too. We wished her luck- Nate left his own gift for her and we walked out of the hospital.

Half an hour.

That's the amount of time I knew her. Too short because I want to understand her- I want her to understand God's love. But it was long enough because I haven't gotten her off my mind.

Jesus shoes, I imagine them sandals and 4 times bigger than my own feet. Yet throughout the day to day tedious work I do at my job, being a Light for my coworkers, the few times I've participated in drive through difference, and meeting Brittany and leaving her with one more coat to her name and a word of God's love- I'm confident I wore them because I was stumbling, falling, and fearful I would trip because of the little steps I was taking in such big shoes. I don't know if I wore the shoes on the correct feet the whole time... I'm just thankful I didn't beg to have them taken off. I know if I didn't have them on, I wouldn't have had the courage to do the things I did. If I were barefoot- I'd probably make up excuses for fear of my feet being trodden on.

If this post had a title..

I step into the unknown, a direction that even doubt cannot quell the truth; I will be propelled forward. Though uncomfortable at first, the timid and hesitant smile slowly changed into a playful and excited grin that steals my breath from my lungs; nothing can wipe this from my face. I've accepted a journey from One whose ways are bigger and far greater than my own- moving forward is the only option if joy and love and adventure are to be with me. With this step; a realization comes- the possibilities are endless in a life lived with unwavering courage.

Keep me here... there is nowhere else I'd rather be!

Oh the things I have taken for granted. My every breath. My home. My pillow. My friends. My family. My faith. My Savior.

Everything I am, have done, and will do, is all going to be used for His glory. Of this I know. But sometimes I cannot help but sit down and when I fully realize that my life here on earth is only a gust of wind, do I truly delve deeper into His Word and Truth. Only when I realize that He controls my breath that I focus solely on Him and not of the things of the world. Sadly… I have been in this habit for some time.

One month ago, the week before Christmas, was an extremely difficult week for me. Yet it is the one week in my entire life that I would not change for anything. That week, I thought I lost my best friend, my future, and all the plans that I know is apart of God’s plan… that I took for granted.

You see, I am going to marry my best friend: Nathaniel Paul. But because I have been surrounded by worldly things (secular and romantic music, movies, and book), divorce, and the fulfillment of desires (or so I see) by everything other than my Savior, I let the desperation of keeping my relationship with him right and strong and in Christ control me. Now that I look back, I recognize, even though I did everything right and the way it should be done (dating, that is)… I did not fully give my relationship and the outcome to God. God was telling me, as He was telling Nathaniel, that we needed to fully give “us” up to Him so we can be better and be used in bigger ways than we could ever imagine. I was scared, however. I fought it. I cried so much and I tried so hard to keep the gift God gave me. Every time I dropped Nathaniel off at school… I broke because I was afraid I would never get it back. I knew I needed to give it up to God, but I was afraid He would take it back even though I knew it was a gift from Him.

The week before Christmas, God laid on Nate’s heart to give us up for a time. Not breaking up. But a stalling and a time to spend with Jesus more fully; and individually. I, being so emotional and fighting for so long. Did not take it that way. I looked at the small picture: “Oh my goodness, you are leaving me? Asking me to wait indefinitely, no wait, not giving me a choice but to wait indefinitely for you?” And Nate, God love him.. did not know how to fully communicate his thoughts. Well.. maybe he did. Maybe I just was not willing to listen. I can believe the latter more than the former.

So.. for a week, Nate and I did not talk. I thought we broke up. Nate watched me go through this desperate phase and he went through one himself; where we broke everything of ourselves and gave it up to God. Where we fully trusted God with everything: ourselves, our future together, our relationship. Everything. And for a week, we grew. I recognized I am okay single. I am okay being just Jesus’. I am okay in my own identity as His. Only with that thought and acceptance was I able to receive Nathaniel back. I do not know everything Nate went through; that is his story to tell and one day ours to tell together. But one week; the same amount of time it took for God to create the world… centered mine back around Him.

Now I am in a time of growing by myself while Nathaniel is gone out of the country finding his calling. He is still my future husband. I love him and he loves me. We choose each other and Lord willing, we will still get married. I pray he is still going to be a part of my life. I know that is my decision, but I have to trust that God’s ways are higher than my own if it does not come to be. {Isaiah 55:9}

However, I will continue to believe and hope in the promise and friendship that God granted me through and with Nathaniel. Every Good gift is from above and from my Heavenly Father. The doubt I feel right now, and will feel some times… I give right back up to Him and continue to grown in my alone-ness and individual self.

I grow nearer to Him who is my only satisfaction and thank Him for the friendships I gain while I am here on the planet He created. Nothing else matters except showing His love to others and growing with Him, my Savior, my God.

I thank God daily for that week, where I broke and He pieced me back together, that week that will only bring Him glory, the glory He deserves alone. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Until the day I die, I give Him glory and praise and I am willing and moving forward to bring forth His kingdom. In my singleness while waiting for Nathaniel to come back to bring me with him to marriage and a journey I will never regret.

There are so many other thoughts I desire to write down, about my growth, about where I feel God is taking me, about how I have changed my view on marriage and work and worship and vantage points.. but this is where my heart is right in this moment. Thankful for that week and looking forward to the growth I have for me in this journey.

A new ending.

Step 4: If failure occurs, repeat step 1-3.

Break ups happen. Sometimes they are inevitable. Nate and I went through it unfortunately and fortunately. Throughout the time I that Nate and I were not talking, I grew closer to God and I had more of an opportunity to focus on what God is doing in me. Not my relationship with Nate. I may never the specific reasons as to why Nate and I had to go through those two times where we didn’t talk, but that’s okay because “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55).”  But I know for a fact that the two and a half years I spent with Nate, I grew abundantly. And the two times Nate and I stopped talking, I grew so much farther because God had me place everything at His feet and trust Him with my future. Mine and Nate’s two “breaks” were stepping stones that pushed me farther than I can ever imagine. But God promised me, as He promised Nate, that He has us and our relationship in His hands. He is molding us and forming us to be strong so we can bring Him glory. By doing my relationship with Nate this way, I saved my heart from much heartbreak when we split. It still hurt a lot, Nate and I won’t ever have the carefree friendship we had. No, our relationship is much stronger because of it. Our life together is going to be used to bring others hope and promises. Our relationship is a testimony and 30 years down the road when our children ask us about dating, we’ll know exactly what to say because we know it’s not about us or what we do. It’s about our willingness to allow what God wants and desires.

I know that sometimes relationships end completely after “breaks” and “break ups”. And all I can say is no relationship ends perfectly as it was before. It hurts because that person is a real best friend and it will continue to hurt for some time because of all of the time you put into that relationship, only to have it end. But that is okay. Everything will be okay.  By focusing on God, becoming the right person, and by loving your boyfriend like God loves us, like I love Nathan, with God’s love instead of handing them our hearts without considering the consequences, we can and will save ourselves a ton of pain. I will always love Nathan, with God’s love, and with the love he deserves as a man of God from the woman he plans to marry. I know that my journey with Nate brought us to a point where this verse “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. (Philippians 1:9-10)” is true and will continue to come true for me. My love will abound more in knowledge and depth that my God, Nathan, and our future children will cherish and praise. All because I allowed God to mold me before I ever decided to becoming a part of something that is a molding of two separate lives. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)”.  Within delighting God before everything, He will grant the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4 and Psalm145:19). I never desired my relationship with Nathan to go through those tough times. I prayed so hard that we would stay together, that God would protect our friendship. He was my first love. But God knows the plans for me, plans not to harm me but to prosper me. (Jer. 29:11) I took those situations and I learned that I would have been okay if Nate and I did not get back together.  The pain I felt through the silence and arguments we had, the joy I felt through the quality time and serving time we spent together, and the relief and praise I felt as we came to an agreement to get back together, that our separations were to grow us closer, were pivotal in my growth as a woman. I will gladly and readily jump forward to where God is calling me and I am thankful that Nate will be by my side and that we placed God before us.

By doing my relationship with Nathan this way, God’s way, I followed God’s will and I will continue to live this out, holy and God will continue to bless us and grow us even closer more than we can ever imagine. “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7)”

Guard Your Heart: Dating Talk

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him." (Genesis 2:18) Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Desiring a relationship with someone who could be your future spouse is not wrong. It is actually a part of God's plan. He desired man to be in a relationship. He said it is not good for man to be alone!
 Yet God also knows, now with sin in the world, that good relationships are harder to come by. God honoring relationships. That's why God also says to guard your heart. Guarding you heart while striving for an intimate relationship is hard. Sometimes it seems even impossible. God also knows this.

God, however, has given us a way to to do both. And successfully. Not painlessly. Putting your all into another human is always painful because they will always fail you. God is the only one who will never fail us, leave us, or forsake us. 

First, let us look at dating the worlds way:

Some people define dating as an act of meeting and spending time in public, together, as a couple. Some people define it as a process to fine the “One” because they know what they want.  Others define it as a way to figure out what they want in a relationship. And some use the process it gives to kill time for them. Really, you can sum up the process of dating in 4 steps.

Step 1: Find the right person. Most cases, someone you can laugh with, someone who likes you, someone who finds you attractive, and most importantly, someone who you find attractive and has a personality you can tolerate.

Step 2: Fall in love. This step is one that is shown in all of the classic romance movies. Guy takes girl out on a date, suddenly it rains. Guy takes jacket off and places around the girl as they race to stay dry under a tree. Sudden laughter occurs for a minute then BAM! Girl swoons as he kisses her. Or guy is a total jerk throughout the whole movie and at the very last scene, apologizes and they kiss and end up as a couple. Same thing happens in each ending; the couple is obviously in love.

Step 3: Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfillment. Again we see this in play in all of the movies. This is usually seen from the girls perspective, she has the wedding planned by age 5, her bridesmaids are chosen as soon as she figures out who are her true friends, and her husband-to-be has to be 6’3, sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, skinny yet strong enough to literally sweep her off her feet, a personality to keep her tied to him, and have the same hopes and dreams as herself: a full job as a doctor/lawyer, own a house with 4 bedrooms, one cat, one dog, and 2.5 kids; A typical American family.

Finally, Step 4: If failure occurs repeat steps 1-3. We have seen this many times throughout movies as well. Usually in the beginning the girl (sometimes the guy) just recently broke up with their boyfriend because he felt she was too serious and “clingy”. Hence the plot of the movie “I am going to be single for some time, find out who I am, and have my girlfriends back me up!...Except she runs into Mr. Dreamy and end up falling for him to live happily ever after.

That is all funny, but the world’s way of dating is typical, predictable, and used throughout middle-school, high-school, and college. There is much heartbreak, many messed up self-esteems, a lot broken friendships, and everyone is hurt.

I have witnessed my best girl-friend do this all throughout high school and college.  I have witnessed my own sister do this into marriage! It is a sickly disease that has caught our young women this generation and it is a hard bug to fight! I decided as I saw so much hurt, before I even got to the age of having a boyfriend, that I would do dating differently.  I prayed with much power and confidence that God could really do this in me differently and holy; and without all the heartbreak that seen in the world, without all of the hurtful dependency issues, without all the emotional, spiritual, and psychological issues that come about dating and breaking up. I prayed that God would take whatever he has in store for me, and do it His way. That is when Nathan came into my life. When I asked God, He gave me an opportunity to do it His way. Because Nathan was in my life, I was attracted to him, and oh my goodness, he liked me too! I decided I needed to find a devotional, a bible based self-help book of some sort, on how to deal with relationships. I certainly did not have the peers to help me. So I found Sex180. It was written by two dads who stated that they are sick of seeing all these young people getting hurt through dating and intimate relationships, something that God intended for Good, and watch it turn out so bad. At the beginning of the book, they too had the dating steps 1-4, but after that, they had God’s 1-4 steps written a little differently.

Step 1: Become the right person instead of finding the right person. Becoming the right person should be our main goal. (Psalm 145:29) Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. I personally find this to be really difficult. It is hard to admit I am human, I have failed, I will fail, and I am not perfect. To admit all this fully and offer myself up to God and receive His full blessing means I have to constantly look at what I need to give up to God. Which is everything! Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship (Romans 12:2) God is asking me to trust in Him. God is asking me to guard my heart from what can hurt me. Because I will get hurt! Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23) Most of all, God is asking me to be the woman He is creating me to be so I can be the wife, mother, teacher, mentor, helpmate, and friend that my husband deserves.

In becoming the right person, to worship Him and keep focused on God is the most important thing. God is trying to teach me to humble myself and allow the hardships to come through my life and mold me to be who I need to be. Instead of focusing on what I want, I am focusing on what God wants to see grow in me. He doesn’t want me to focus on who I want; He wants me to be the woman who God will be proud of and who my future husband deserves.

By doing that, taking those steps to set my mind on God so He can make me into the woman that will glorify Him, God allowed my relationship with Nathan to flourish beyond anything I could dream of. We grew so close, without getting so serious so fast. It took two years until we started planning  what our life could look like! 

I also looked for a man who desired a relationship with His Heavenly Father and pursued it daily. Nathan is a great man. He loves God more than anything. He places God first in everything. And he cherishes all women as though they are his own sister. Through growing closer with him, I had the opportunity to do the same things for Nate. I love God and put Him first before Nate. I cherish Nate as he was my brother. Because he is! The bible says “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2)” He is my brother. And in absolute purity, I would not be caught doing anything unwholesome with him, or put him in a place where we could do something unwholesome. My goodness, we realized that it is so hard to stay pure. We are human and designed to love and be loved. But he is my brother... unless we marry sex is out of the question. And for us, kissing was out of the question because it put us in a place where we forgot what we are doing with our relationship, with God. It is very important to always realize that God will bring out the points in relationships at different times, and physical is for marriage. “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (Song of Solomon 8:4)” We have to be very careful to not awaken what is to be saved for marriage. Another verse that helped me stay pure was: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10”) In doing this, I placed his needs before mine. I would do anything for him. I have slipped him a couple dollars without his knowledge because he did not have anything for food for school. I have told him, as he has told me that we need to back away and put God first because we have realized we got into a pattern of forgetting to place God first. Sometimes it is waking up at an ungodly hour to take him back to school when I would rather be sleeping. It can be anything! But ultimately, it is honoring him above my-self. I am a servant as Jesus serves.

Step 2: Instead of falling in love, walk in love. This is something that nobody gets. They say “Falling in love is a process, it takes wooing, takes chocolate, dates, and many kisses to happen! “ Yeah, no. We can’t fall in love. Love is not something to fall into. Love is an action. Love is a choice. Love is not a feeling, a caressing touch, a desire. Love is an action. Without showing Godly actions that you care, do you really love? If you are selfish, demanding, or self-centered, do you love? Like this weekend’s verse, “Dear children let us not love with words or with tongue but with actions and in truth (1 John 3:18) This was something that I knew would take some time to actually wrap around my mind. With watching my sister and best friend go through relationships full of “falling in love”, I had to change my mindset that it was not a feeling. Honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I felt it to be true. With Nathan, it was easier to walk in love and less “new territory” because walking in love, Christ’s love, was something I was used to. “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19) I could not grow my love towards Nate without my love for God. Mine and Nate’s relationship was so strong that nothing of this world can break it. I will never stop loving Nathan all because I love him with a love that is true and everlasting. God’s love. (Matthew 18:7) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Step 3: Instead of fixing your hopes and dreams on a person, fix them on God and seek to please Him through it. By fixing your hopes and dreams on a person, you set yourself up to fail yet God promises that while man will fail you, He (God) will never leave you nor forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5) Three things that Nate and I found when we dated, what we desired to have a steady part in our relationship, were prayer, serving others, and bible reading; together. If not every time, we constantly try to end our phone calls with prayer. When we know there is something in between us or we are irritable, we pray before we continue on with our time together. We constantly open ourselves up to God in front of the other. Prayer is very intimate with God. We are showing everything to Him who knows all, and praying with Nate has given us the insight into our personal lives with God. We could be praying and I, because I would be so focused on talking with God, could say something and talk about a fear I have been feeling, that Nate never knew about. Then Nate knew something more specifically he can pray about. Prayer is something we made a priority because we knew it was the only direct way we can humble ourselves, our relationship, and our future before God. “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Heb. 10:25)”

In bible reading, I cannot impress on how important and how fulfilling it is to read with your best friend, about our Savior. God worked in mine and Nate’s lives so much. We did not have much time to read the bible together, but in my own readings and his personal readings, I have seen God align our growth similarly. Which is astounding. I cannot wait for the day where my husband and I can study the word together.

In serving, Nate and I wanted to work together so badly. Mission trips, ministries, anything. We want to work together for God to show His glory. We did not have the opportunity though, to work together with his school but when we did, working together was something that brought us closer on a level that is more than intimate. It is a level where we recognize that our life here on earth is to serve God and bring His kingdom. Whenever Nate or I fell into a trap of laziness or unwillingness, our prayer and bible reading together has brought us close to where either of us could, as the bible says  “spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)”

By doing those three things together, Nate and I kept God at the forefront of our friendship. We glorified God with how we did our relationship and it will always be a part of my testimony. “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)”

Step 4: If failure occurs, repeat step 1-3.

Break ups happen. I went through it with Nathan unfortunately and fortunately. I may never know if Nate and I were supposed to be together for life like we were planning or if it was never apart of God’s amazing plan because God says “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55).” But I know for a fact that the two and a half years I spent with Nate, I grew abundantly. Nate was a stepping stone that pushed me farther than I can ever imagine. By doing my relationship with Nate this way, I saved my heart from much heartbreak when we split. It still hurt a lot, Nate and I won’t ever have the friendship we had. No relationship ends perfectly as it was before. It still hurts because he was my best friend and it will continue to hurt for some time. But I am okay. By focusing on God, becoming the right person, and because I loved Nathan with God’s love instead of handing him my heart without considering the consequences, I saved myself from a ton of pain. I will always love Nathan, with God’s love, and I know that my journey with Nate brought me to a point where this verse “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. (Philippians 1:9-10)” will come true for me. My love will abound more in knowledge and depth that my God, my future husband, and my children will cherish and praise. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)”.  I also know that within delighting in God before everything, He will grant the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4 and Psalm145:19). I never desired my relationship with Nathan to fail. I prayed so hard that we would stay together. He was my first love. But God knows the plans for me, plans not to harm me but to prosper me. (Jer. 29:11) But I am going to take the experience I learned, the pain I felt, the joy I felt, and jump forward to where God is calling me.

By doing my relationship with Nathan this way, God’s way, I followed God’s will and I will continue to live this out, holy. “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7)”