Write to write. Right not wrong. Prayer not flight.

Life, such a fickle thing.

It goes up and it goes down. But you always have a choice on how to look at it.

Again, hard things keep coming at me. I see it as Satan trying to get me to fall again. Well, Not this time. Not again. Even though it was crazzzzzzyyy hard. I did it again. But I didn't do it by myself. God had to be holding me the whole time or I would collapse under the hurt, strain, pain, and stress. I felt like I would.. and once I almost did.

You see, I was having issues following through with not worrying about my relationship with one of my very close friends. Well, in doing that, I also had to be very firm with another one of my friends and my close friend wasn't happy. She was disgusted with my attitude and talked down on me on how I treated the situation. So I told her it really wasn't her business. And she was mad. She kept talking and wanting to talk about it. I refused because I can't. I can't speak to her in public about this or I'll fall. It is something I know I couldn't do. I know God has me and wouldn't let me down. But this was something I couldn't do. If we talked, we would have hashed it out so much that I would be over stressed and I would have fallen. I would have let her because I love her. I wasn't strong enough to say no. She was my weakness.

Well, I said no. I said no to the point where she now isn't my friend. She has ignored me.. and I thought I was fine because I knew I did the right thing. I didn't let her, I didn't let Satan, beat me down again. I thought I was okay because I finally stood my ground. Well, apparently being okay and saying it are two different things.

I cried myself to sleep last night because I didn't know I was affected that much. I guess I was naive to think that because she was my best friend.

I'm still battling it too. I feel like I am a bad person because I know she is upset and to her, I'm the reason why. That is wronggggg! I am reading this book. The Invisible War by Chip Ingram. I promise, this was God given because I got this book during this whooooole thing with my friend. Well, in this book it says the wearing the breastplate of righteousness is protecting your heart. Living out the life of Jesus. But first you have to have the belt of truth on. (The Bible, knowing it). Anyway, trying to live like this, and actively wearing this armor if hard, but worth it. But Satan actively pursues you because he wants you down. He whispers that you are a "bad friend, a bad christian", and alllllll sorts of stuff. But when you really wear the armor, you realize, and recognize and live like you are saved BY grace and you ARE whole. That is a bigggg difference.

So, the saying, you become the strongest through your weakness is real. Throughout all of this, I have become stronger. I stood up for my family, for myself and I am being ME. Finally. God has given me all sorts of friends who have been there for me and are the right influence for me. I could say more on my other friend who hate me, but I wont dis or down her. She needs prayer. That is all I ask.

But thank God that I am Becoming who I am.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAQ50hrFevg&NR=1

When the music fades..

This week has been wow. Hard. It has been full of so much stuff.. I can't even think about it. And honestly.. i haven't thought about it at all since I gave it up. But in not thinking about it.. a part of me feels like I've been ignoring God and not worshiping Him through the hard parts. I know I did when it first happened. And its better, the hardness but I also know its not over. It doesn't matter its not over though.. God has it and God has me and I love Him. So life is good. Life is full of blessings of being His.

Then why in the world did I forget, for about three days, that through all hard stuff and the calm before the storm arises again, that I need to worship. I've just had fun and I didn't do anything spiritually. I don't know how I feel about that. If I love God, a crazy love, then why am I not thinking about Him everyday like I do about my really close friends? Did I momentarily forget that God is the only thing that matters? I don't think I did.

I don't care what I've thought the past few days. I'm going to thank God now. Even if I forgot Him. I'm going to thank God for friends. For love. For family. For relationships. For promises. For comfort. For laughter. For hope. For salvation. For music.

I mess up, by choosing, and by choosing to not do anything. I don't want to count this as a mess up. But I don't want to excuse my 'forgetting' God. I think my hard thing I went through was tough. It still is. And I'm just recuperating from it. By not thinking. Not doing. But just being. Just laughing.

God is still God despite my choices in life. He is God and deserves worship. I don't like forgetting Him. I don't want to come to Him out of obligation but because I love Him and I want Him. I don't want to forget so I'll remind myself this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZgPPmtZgS4

Best I can.

This song is me now a days.

"Been thinking about,

all of those lies you heard me say,

I can't make them go away."

I don't ever remember specifically, purposefully lying to someone. But I know I've lied to myself. I've lied to myself thinking that I'm not worth it when God says I am. I've lied to myself thinking that it doesn't matter what others think, when I know deep down I still don't trust God to really don't think about others thoughts and opinions on me. I can't make them go away, I never will. I still have doubt in me about my worth in my eyes, and about others eyes.

"Been thinking about,

all of those mistakes you've seen me make."

I've made mistakes. I'm human, it's impossible not to no matter how hard I try not to. I make mistakes. I;d like to think I haven't done a BIG mistake but there isn't a size on sin or mistakes. They are all the same size in God's eyes.

"When I can barely hold on,

you promise me you won't let me go"

This is telling me about myself. I can barely hold on to life right now. I am scared. So much. I'm scared to move again. Especially in specific areas of friendships where there are known to be issues. Even though God promises to never let me go, I'm still scared. Life is scary. But I wan to trust Him. I want to sooooo much it hurts.

"and I want you to know

I don't live a perfect life

But God knows I'm trying the best I can."

I know I will mess up again. It is inevitable. No matter how hard I try not to. I will. But God does know I am trying the best I can.. if other people don't think I am.. I don't care. NOT one bit. God knows I am trying the best I can. I don't want human recognition. Yeah, its nice to be told I am doing the right thing.. but for now, I just want to have faith I am doing the best I can.

"I've waisted so much time,

pretending I'm alright about who I am,

but now I'm living the best I can."

Enough said.

"I'm breaking down,

and now i've found

A reason to make it,

this time around"

I have a reason. I always do. I always have. God loves me. He loves me and He is always with me so I can do it. I can do it. I will do it!

"No matter where I go,

I want you to know,

I'm living the best I can"

Again, enough said.

"Now I'm living the Best. I. Can."

..I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." John 14:27 - Jesus.

Constant changing doubt.

This past week has gone extremely slow.. but I feel as if it is going too fast because I haven't done what I probably should. I want to cry because I am upset with myself again. I blame myself for problems going wrong. Problems I can't help feeling I created. Problems I can't help but feeling I wont fix.

I've been told that guilt isn't of the Lord and I believe that wholeheartedly... but guilt and a just conscious are hard to differ. I'm not sure if this is guilt or a Holy conscious to speak out.

I pray for peace over this if I am in the right, and I feel peace. I do. It comes but then the 'feeling' comes back and then I'm back into the pool of doubt I'm struggling to leave.

I've been told that I am right in this, but then I also have been not told I am right by someone I trust. I don't want to lean on man's understanding of right and wrong. I want to live by God's. But what is God's right in this? Did I mess up or did I do the right thing?

I want this 'feeling' to leave so I have half a mind to just fix it even if I can't. To do my part even if I technically shouldn't. Biblically I'm not even sure if I should. I just want this GONE.

I feel as if I don't do something to move forward from this, my not acting will take something from my life that I really want. Something God set apart for me. Something I prayed for. Something I am working on. Something that this situation I am in that is modeling me to be apart of this big thing.. and if I choose to not do a thing. I lose it. For good.

But what if I'm right?

But what if I'm not...

I feel old.

Thoughts at 3am.

I wrote this a few weeks ago and I've never posted it.. but now here it is.

I feel as if I am in limbo. I feel that I've made my decision to be somebody, yet I cannot be that person until I change how I act. How I live my life. How I choose. Who I chose. Who I live for..

And I have made the decision everyday.

I always want to choose God. To love and live for Him daily. But of course I'm human. I fail. I place earthly, insignificant things before Him. I choose to live for myself and then when my life starts to crumble and not make any sense, I go running to God. It's how it works. Never fails.

But I don't like that. I hate how I don't want to fix my issues. I want to fix them, but I don't want to hurry. I want to take my good ol' dandy time. There isn't time though. I could die tonight. In the next five minutes. And I wouldn't have a chance to show His love. To make the difference I want to make. I long to make.

I've had this feeling all year long.

I want to mission but is it really what I want? I didn't have the passion to mission until after I read Flabbergasted! I feel like I am copying Ray and I don't really have a passion that in my life.

But I know that isn't how it is really.. how do I know if God didn't let me read that book so I could gain the passion for missioning by simply reading? I don't. It is probably why, anyway. God gave me it.

Now comes the part I don't like. Why aren't I pursuing it?

BAAAALhgfwjrijilskgnjv.

Those are my thoughts. I know why I'm not going all in. I'm lazy, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm too young, I'm not the right person, ect. ect.

And there are bible verses for each one too. And are few that covers them all too. i.e. (John 3:16-17. Jeremiah 29:11.)

So, what then? Why am I not moving? Why am I not taking the necessary steps to change my attitude? Why am I not pursuing God with a fiery vigor that I know I have in my heart? Why am I not loving to the potential that God has placed in me? Why, why, why?

"Why" probably isn't the question anymore. It doesn't matter why. Never has, and never will. Because even though I don't feel the boiling longing I have to love others, doesn't mean I shouldn't.

Feelings are lousy leaders.

I try and not act on my feelings. Ever. It's always a bad thing to act on my feelings. If I did, I would have ran away when trouble came instead of finding my strength through a song God showed me. I would have drop kicked my sisters ex when he left her. I would have cursed out my step grandfather when he messaged me on face book for leaving me. Like I did act on my feelings when I left my best friend when we argued.

Lousy is correct. My relationship with my best friend is much different than it used to be. Harder. There is more doubt. More trying involved. An honest face straining to be real, means well, yet sometimes, it feels like it is fake.

But that doesn't matter anymore. It is a new relationship through the hardships.

My passion is here. Always has been because God put it there. And always will be until I deliberately mute it. I will choose again, like I will daily, I love. Love when it is hard. When it makes no sense. When situations don't call for it. And when I hurt. When I'm confused. When I doubt. Because.. loving the easy to love is easy. Loving hard to love, takes hard work and strength. And if I have that strength.. I can do anything I set my mind to.

Humbled and moving forward.

Life. Cynicism. Naivety.

Those things you really don't like to deal with.. especially if you mess up. You become mad at life. Become cynical towards doing the right thing and being the right person with Jesus. And you may even drift back to being naive because you don't want to mess up again and you'll have an excuse as to why you messed up instead of just making the wrong choice.

Eight months ago I made a wrong choice on how to handle a situation and I gave up too much information to my mentor of my friend and my friend found out/knew and our relationship was forever different. The other week I made a wrong choice, on the same subject, again. Again I said too much information about my other friend and now my friend has lost respect for me and we wont have a relationship like we used to because my friend is embarrassed. Because of me. I handled the situation wrong because I don't know how to act.

All this sounds like I don't know when to shut my mouth.. and I do sometimes. In this subject, its difficult to know when and I won't learn until I mess up. I've messed up twice and I'm done messing up. I looked immature, naive, silly, rediculous, and I acted like a fifth grader.

My close friend told me the reason she/he thinks why is (this my friend who I messed up with eight months ago, who still trusts me) because I was home schooled and never around the real world and temptation like he/she was. And is. They are right, I haven't been around it so I don't know how to act confidently around it. I know the actions.. but putting them in play is different.

Its like driving.. you know what to do, but actually doing it, especially for the first time, you mess up. You drive off the road, run a stop light, go 20 miles under the speed-limit, and leave your brights on when a car comes from your front.

It takes time to have confidence in hard to make decisions situations. You need to realize that God is beside you even through the mess ups. My friend who I mess up with eight months ago still loves me. He/she is still really close to me and is giving me time after time of second chances. I'm grateful for it. But I'm honestly embarrassed that I keep doing it.. putting them in a difficult situation.

My friend also told me that to act like a Good Christian Girl you need to be down with the sinners and make the right choice. My friend, not meanly, asked me when will I stop running to my parents when a situation like that comes up, giving alllllllll the details out that are not about me, but about my friends and my friends are embarrassed and don't want to trust me with details or come over. They think I should know better.. and honestly I should. But I'm second guessing myself still.. I don't want to. I know I have one person who will always listen and give me advice and already knows every single detail. If a situation comes up like that again, I'm not all to sure what I'll do, but God will help me. Because, like Jesus, He got down and dirty, without sinning, with the sinners. If you understand that.. thank God. Then maybe I should to. I'm going to have to make the right choices and make the first and let my Yes be YES and No be NO. Period.

So here I am now, hurt, confused, feeling dumb again, and tired. I gave it to my Papa, but its still here. I will apologize to my friend.. the one who doesn't like me now, from when I messed up the other week. If my friend doesn't accept.. then oh well. I tried. But it's still God's.

Finished.

I have started three new posts and I haven't finished a single one. I've started my math lesson and I end up closing the book after reading halfway through what it takes to do the work. I've swept half the house. I've done my laundry but it all laying on the floor. I've made my lunch but the dish is on the counter and not in the dishwasher. I am reading four, no, maybe five devotions. I haven't read my bible all the way through. I have the money for my license but I haven't signed up. I know what I am feeling but I don't say it out loud to whom it matters and concerns. I have three books I haven't finished. I started studying for my SAT's and haven't gotten back to it. I take my medicine for a few weeks then I forget and get sick.

Do you see the same patter as I do?

I never finish what I start.

I reread this blog that Bloom posted.. and it is exactly what I have been feeling lately.

" It is 11:30 at night. I look at the clock and sigh; I should start getting ready for bed. My exhaustion presses around me like the darkness outside. And my to-do list doesn’t make things any better.



I feel like a failure.



Instead of a glorious line of checks, there are only a few scattered ones. The paper that seemed so innocent this morning now glares up at me, a blatant reminder of all I have left undone. I fight against the tears that threaten my eyes, but it’s late at night and thus battles are futile. “It’s not even like I worked hard whenever I could but was gone all day or helping Mom or something,” I whimper. “I just…wasted…so much time. I procrastinated. And now look what I’ve done!” Now I really feel like a failure.



I brush the list onto the floor, and discover the slip of paper that had been under it. “Only God gets his to-do list done every day,” reads the quote from C.J. Mahaney. And it’s true, of course, and sort of comforting. But it’s also a nagging reminder that while He’s always faithful, I’m not.



I’m reminded of this a lot, actually, because there are many nights when I feel I haven’t worked as I should. I love this bit from the Book of Common Prayer’s “Confession of Sin” that prays, “We confess we have sinned against You…by what we have done, and by what we have left undone.” I love this, perhaps because it doesn’t always occur to me to ask forgiveness for what I haven’t done – be it a kindness or my schoolwork or so many other things. And on these days when I look at my list, realize all I haven’t done, and feel like a failure, I realize just how human I really am.



I am not God. I am a finite creature – and I will fail sometimes. Failing, of course, is different from declaring myself a failure: that is a lie, although one I am prone to struggle with when I’m tired. Yet it is precisely my failures and faithlessness that makes me more grateful for God. The world is not on my shoulders – it’s on His. And He is perfectly faithful in running it.



Faithful. What does that mean, anyway? It took me awhile to discover that it meant something other than “sticking to your to-do list” or “working diligently”. Yet it actually means “trustworthy.” No doubt a diligent worker is also a trustworthy one, but when the Bible talks about God’s faithfulness, it really means I can trust Him.



I can trust that He is working in my life even when I’m tired and feel like I’ve ruined everything; I can trust in His promises when life is difficult and I’m surrounded by shadows. I used to wonder to myself, “I know the Bible says I can trust God, and I know I can trust him completely with my head…but sometimes that message never gets through to my heart. How can I know He’ll come through on His promises? I haven’t seen it firsthand.”



Yet I realized something this year, as the nativities and ornaments and packages surrounded me on Christmas. God’s ultimate promise was redemption; His ultimate promise was that He would send Jesus, a Messiah, a Savior. And if I know that He did that, than I can trust Him to come through on every one of His other promises. In sending Jesus, He proved once and for all that He is perfectly faithful and perfectly trustworthy.



And that is comforting to me, even as I’m frustrated over my own lack of diligence. No amount of faithlessness on my part could ever change His faithfulness to me. Nothing I do could ever mess up God’s plans. And if He is perfectly trustworthy, than that means He will also come through on His promise to forgive me.



That is perhaps the greatest promise ever made. And that makes me grateful, even when it’s 11:30 at night. "

This is my life right now.

I have to do lists and I barely scrape what I really need to do. I do the easiest one first and save the more time consuming one for last. I don't even start. Or I start allll of them at once to get some done and I overwork myself and don't get anything done at all.

I really don't know how to fix this.. this procrastination. And when I say that I realize I cannot ever fix it. I just have to do it. And then I realize I don't want to do it because I am content. Gah, that word looks like a curse word to me now. Content. And I begrudgingly say that with a sour face.

I don't want to be content with that as a fruit in my life. That isn't a fruit God wants me to have. He wants me to produce self discipline. That word seems like a safe haven to me now.. daunting, but a safe haven because I know it is real.

To end this blog I am going to say I am formed against myself. My human nature is battling against me while God works through me. I don't even know if any of this makes sense to you who read this.. but I've made the decision in myself to finish what I start and not look back.

Peace out ya'll.

You.

Today:

I have been ungrateful.

I have complained doing simple work.

I have not rested in God.

I have not given it back to God.

Things I realized:

~I don't want to be the girl looking at the clock and waiting for a phone call. I enjoy talking on the phone, but I don't want it to be a priority, but a treat. Today I didn't deserve a treat. I've done nothing, and I've been rude and not acting like Christ, haven't even really honestly tried. I could if I wanted to. I just don't really want to.. which is why I am in this blah mood. Because I've been lazy and haven't done anything with Christ's attitude.

~I should still praise God for being Him and loving me and being my God when I don't act right. When I ignore what I should be doing. When I become lazy. When I dwell on crap and when I put otherthings before Him.

Because He still chose me. Through alllllll of my stupidity. Through all of my not wanting to follow Him. He chose me. When a milllllion of other days, I could be doing the right thing and he could choose me then, He chose me today. On my bad day. As well as those good days. I should still work for His Glory on my bad days. Because many people can be good on good days, and follow God on good days. But its on the bad days that counts, its the bad days when people see you get up and choose to follow Him.

God, I choose to follow you. Today. On my bad day. Without comfort from people. Without peace. Without feeling. Because You deserve it and I never do. Because you love me when I choose not to love You. Just because You are You.

Dreamer Part one.

Chapter One.

"Time passed. Then Ordinary woke up with these words echoing through his mind: What you are missing you already have.." Could it be? Ordinary looked and looked. And then he discovered that in a small corner of his heart lay a Big Dream. The Big Dream told him that he, a Nobody, was made to me a Somebody and destined to achieve Great Things."

When I really look at this paragraph all I can think of is that The Dream Giver (Jesus) has a plan for my life and the "Great Things" I am made to achieve are anything everything that I do for the Honor and Glory of God. Which could be saying hello to a friend. Or doing a chore without asking. Or serving in an area of life that I don't like to serve in. But I also think that I am made for something bigger. Something I can't even imagine because it's so big.

And I think my dream is to own a Coffee Shop or be a missionary.. my own business.. or traveling to other places showing God's Love. I don't even know how both came up as a solid "Dream". My graduation was coming closer and closer and I felt like I had to choose what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go into college without an idea as to what I want to do for a living. I already had two things I loved to do.. Coffee, and missioning. But those two seem soooo major opposites on the occupation list that I'd have to choose between two different schools.

Now which college?

I'm not exactly sure if I want to go to a Masters Commission or Community College. Either would work.. and I'd be doing something I love.. but is it really my dream?

"After a while, Ordinary began to worry that maybe he hadn't received a Big Dream.. Maybe he'd just made it all up."

I had this question asked to me after I stated my doubt of whether it's something I wanted to do or if I just came up with it because I felt pressured: "Who do you think put it in your mind?" I laughed like I was stupid. The Dream Giver of course. Even if it feels like a Small Dream right now.. insignificant honestly. If I don't put the Dream Giver into my dream.. of course it wont be Big!

If I put the Dream Giver into my coffee shop.. it could be so big! It could grow into one of the biggest Christian hangouts where new bands could get their music out so that their ministry can reach nonchristians. It could grow into a Big smalltown safe haven for young teenagers from a stressful school day or a family who puts restrictions on them that don't make sense. It would have insightful and inspiring notes from the bible and pastors around the world which if someone read.. could change the outcome of their day completely! And I'd be fulfilling my Ultimate Dream. To do everything until the Glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31. Plus some coffee of course. But really. If I put the Dream Giver into my life.. my life will be the Big Dream in my heart and I can do anything!

" Father' said Ordinary, 'I'm growing sadder by the day. I don't like my Usual Job anymore. In fact, I think I hate it'. Father looked up. That is terrible! What happened?'. Before he could stop himself, Ordinary started talking about the Dream giver and about his Big Dream. ' I was made to be a Somebody and achieve Great Things!' He said. And then he told his Father the name of his Big Dream. As he spoke, his voice trembled. He was sure that his Father would laugh or call him a fool. But his Father didn't. 'I'm not surprised to hear you say these things,' he said. 'You're not?' said Ordinary. 'No,' his Father said. ' You've had that Dream ever since you were little. Don't you remember? You used to build that same dream with sticks and mud in the from of this very house.' Then Ordinary did remember. He'd always had his Dream! It was what he wanted to do, and what he'd always thought he'd be good at doing. His eyes filled with tears. 'Father,' he said, ' I think I was born to do this.'

I think I would be good at owning a business. Especially a coffee shop. Ever since I've read the book A Delirious Summer I loved the idea of a coffee shop that was dedicated to Jesus. In the book it was a mission and everything they earned went to God. It wasn't a profit based business. Someday.. I want to do that.

"Time passed. Ordinary worked hard on his plan to begin his Dream. He made hard choices. He made difficult changed. He even made big sacrifices. Finally, one morning, he was ready. Ordinary ran to his Usual Job, his Dream pounding hard in his chest. As soon as he saw Best Friend, Ordinary blurted our the news: 'That big Dream I told you about.. I've decided to pursue it!'. Best Friend looked concerned. ' You know as well as I do that Nobodies who pursue their dreams leave Familiar,' he said. 'They set off like fools into the Unknown, in search of a place where--' 'Yes, yes, I know!' Ordinary broke in, ' and I can't wait to get started!' 'But Ordinary, that journey is anything but sensible or safe. Why leave Familiar? It's so comfortable here. And besides, you've always lived here.' 'I've thought about all that, too,' said Ordinary. 'But my Big Dream is too important and too wonderful to miss.' Best Friend shook his head.'So you're going to become a Dreamer,' he said. 'I am a Dreamer!' answered Ordinary. ' Today I'm going to tell my Boss that I'm leaving my Usual Job. Tomorrow I will begin my journey. Hey, Best Friend,' added Ordinary eagerly, 'you can have my recliner and my box!' And with that, Ordinary walked away, humming a tune that he's never heard before."

My Ultimate Dream is to do everything for the Glory of God. I love coffee and I love missioning. So I am going to pursue it with all I have.

Dreamer Introduction.

I am reading this book called the Dream Giver. My mom has owned it for years and has loved it. It is one of her favorite personal motivators and reminders that she has a dream that the Dream Giver has personally placed in her life. She just has to chose to chase it; and she is.

I read half of the book today just trying to get this funky feeling off of my spirit. I prayed and it went away but I still desire to grow closer to God and He is calling me.. but I realize I have become so lost and confused as to what He is personally calling me to and what other people say God is calling my generation to.

I am going to reread the first chapter tonight and post what I am learning from it on here so I have an account of my growth when I don't see it... and so you have an account of God's movement in me so you can specifically pray for me about what you believe God is wanting me to know. I don't know exactly how I will put everything on here, but I'll answer some of the questions that a book study usually asks and write down God's revelations to me.

I am also praying that God changes me so much that Nobodies and Anybodies can see a major difference in me and choose to do the same thing for His glory.

My name is Mallory and I am a Somebody, choosing to chase and fight for my Big Dream that the Dream Giver has sent me.

Gift.

I don't remember where I heard this message spoken so basically, like speaking to a child, or who spoke it, but this time it really hit home for me in a deeper, more wowing way.

My salvation is a gift.

And when I get to heaven, I'm going to be standing in front of my God... the God who created me, who knew me before I was born, who created the universe, who loves me, who keeps me breathing, who split the red sea, who came to earth, who died and rose alive again three days later... to be judged according to my life lived on earth. Wether it was lived for God or lived for my own personal gain. I will be judged. I will kneel before Him. I will proclaim that He is Lord.

He will open a book full of my life's story and read it to me. Every action. Every thought. Every moment. Read aloud for everyone. This wont be a fun story to listen to like when your daddy tells you a bedtime story. This is the God of the universe, telling you your life and asking why you didn't live for Him fully all the time.

And we'll say I don't know.. I just didn't. I didn't want to, I was scared, I was tired, I was blah blah blah. And then He'll show you all the sins you committed and it will add to so much that you will want to faint because the amount of sins you committed. It doesn't even matter what good you did.. it wont add up compared to your sins to receiving the stamp of approval into heaven. There will be too many sins you did commit. And the penalty of even one sin is death. We can't get into heaven on our own.

That doesn't sound good, does it?

But.. thank God for buts, but then I believe that Jesus will hand God the Book of Life and then God will read the names off the book of those who realized that they couldn't earn their way to heaven and accepted the gift of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. And those people who's names are in that book will be accepted into heaven because they chose to live for Jesus and even though they sinned, they got back up and tried again; to live for God.

What I am picturing right now in my head is myself and everyone else I know kneeling before the almighty God on his throne, with my head hanging low because I know I sinned and I can't do anything to fix it. I deserved to go to Hell. But then, I feel Jesus hand on my shoulder and I look at Him and he has a Book. He gives it to God and God reads my name out loud. Jesus paid my price to live for eternity. He paid allllll of it. He paid for me! Wow.. I'm can just see, I'm speechless. I am speechless now. He has paid for me. When I didn't deserve it. I never deserved it. But He loves me and He paid it. All of it. I don't have to worry. I just have to get up and live for Him, walking towards our eternal goal. Heaven.

46:10.

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.

I have been through a lot these past few months. Ever since my 16th birthday I have changed dramatically. I have growd up, lost friends, gained friends, been beaten down emotionally, almost watched my friend die, watched her survive, read a few good books, watched a few good movies, and I've been moved to revival, worshiped like I have never before and I try to live loving Jesus daily.

I've failed. I've succeeded. I've lost. I've gained. I've dived. I've fallen. I've stood. I've been pushed. And I've lived.

I graduated highschool and taken a part time job.

And right now, I'm being still because God said so.

Decision.

Me time or God time?

A lot of the time I always find myself feeling guilty because I barely get in my 'designated' God time of just thinking of Him and saying "Thank you God". Usually, I just recite this list at the end of the night and pass out. I was just so tired by the end of the day that I didn't give God the worship He deserves.

Well, last night I was sick and tired of not giving Him what I want to give Him. I cancelled on my friend when she was just broken up with; which I felt bad for doing it too because I've always been there for her when that happened to her.

I didn't get on my computer except to listen to worship music even thought I got the best hug from my friend and I really wanted to talk to him. But I turned it off because it was getting between me and God.

So, there I was. In my sisters bed. Listening to David Crowder. And just praying "Why have I felt like this? Like I've abandoned my family for my friend. To prove to myself that I'm not leaving. That I am better. That I'm not weak." Then I thought, 'How in the world did those thoughts get in there!? Weak.. where.. why..

I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I'm falling back into a comfort zone and I realize it and I don't want to. So I am fighting and it's hard to get up.. especially when you are tired. It's like falling asleep at 2 in the morning knowing you have to get up at 9 and when the alarm goes off you just stare at it feeling like it was just a second ago it was 3:15 when you got up and peed and watch the clock click by, 910, 915, 932, 945, 950... I really should get up. But you don't. You just stay in bed.

That is how I feel. And when I was listening to this song.. Never let go by David Crowder, there is this expert at the beginning with Louie Giggilo.. and he is saying that God is inviting me to be in His story. Not the other way around. When I think about that.. I know I really shouldn't compartmentalize God into my life. And when I do, I know He is sad. But I know He still never lets go of me. Which Thank God because He loves me still.

He wants to make me brave, brokenhearted for things that break His heart, and faithful.. faithful to Him for His glory.

I don't know exactly what I am supposed to do about this friend and how to not put my friendship before my family and my God without feeling guilty for leaving them in a hard time. I feel like a horrible person when leaving.. I haven't actually seen her since wednesday of last week and that is long for us, especially when one of us is hurting.

But so I prayed that if I am supposed or allowed to see my friend each day, I pray that God will give me an opportunity to do so. And I have only seen her once, so I have realized that I have needed to give her up. Whether it's permenately or temporarily I don't know. But I need to.

I've cried many tears this week, but I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart soar. So how can I keep from singing? God has my friend and my falling relationship in His hands, and yes its sad.. but He is giving me many new friends in replace of not seeing my friend.

Song- My Deliverer, Chris Tomlin.

180*

A couple weeks ago I was looking for a devotional book about relationships, how to handle them, whether you're ready for them, and if you aren't.. how to grow in Jesus so you can be ready. Well, it took me a while but I finally found the perfect book and it wasn't at all what I was expecting.

Sex 180 isn't just your typical relationship devotional book that says to not date in your teen years. Instead it shocked me and challenged me about how to be what I was looking for in a life partner.

This books, Sex180, is written by two dads; Chip Ingram and Tim Walker. They wrote this book because they want us to know what they didn't concerning relationships and sex.

At the very beginning of the book they say;

"Sex 180 isn't a new T-shirt wearing, jewelry-clad movement. It isn't another ad slogan response to real-life desires. It isn't another big stadium rally about abstinence. Its more than No and more than Wait. Sex180 is a new position on sex and sexuality than how the world views it. A full 180 degrees different." -Page 15-16

They gave statistics on how many teenagers have sex and how many married couples, christians included, have some sort of adultry outside of their marriage and how they lost their life, marriage and their spirit. All because the world today does nothing but show sex. Its on TV, in movies, in music, on the web, in magazines, in books, in high schools, in youth groups. People are having sex, reading about sex, talking about sex, watching others have sex, reacting to sex, and thinking about sex. It is extremely shocking what they found, so unreal.. but it's there. It was said. It's a fact.

In chapter Three, Chip and Tim talk about getting over our sick cultures view on sex and pump us up to fight for our sacred sexual lives.

"But it is also said that there is a part to sex that is not being told. Sex is a heart issue that people have made purely physical. We justify our sexual wants by saying "oooh, but we are so in love!"

In 2004, there was an epidemic of AIDS in Africa that caused the death of an estimated 3.1 million people, including 2.6 million adults, and 510,000 children under the age of 15. One person usually had 3-4 sex partners...

Look at the number of people addicted to porn; the requests for porn on search engines averages about 25% of the daily request. 34% of christian women admitted to intentionally accessing Internet porn- some of them to find out what their husbands were looking at, other due to their own internet porn addiction...

We need something drastic to change. We need a revolution, a second sexual revolution." -page 30-31.

"Our culture thinks sex is just a game.." -page 40.. it's not. It's more than just a pure physical act. It's more than being in love. It's more than showing someone affection. It's how you interact, it' how you attract. It's about knowing someone.. not just physically but emotionally, socially, psychologically, and most importantly.. spiritually.

But before we can act on this new revolution.. we have to let God change our hearts so we can really explain why it's more than 'no' and more than 'wait'. Our culture is looking for "why" and we have to be ready to explain the seriousness and sacredness of sex.

In chapter Six, Chip and Tim talk about the Extreme Makeover: Inside Edition.

They explain that God is serious about sex and thinks it is sacred. That is why we should live like IOU.

Inward character- You live daily like you are walking with Jesus. The music you listen to, would you want Jesus listening to that? The jokes you laugh at.. would Jesus be laughing at them? The movies you watch.. would Jesus watch that scene with you? The question is, what are you comfortable listening to, watching or laughing at if Jesus was standing right next to you all the time? You have to change you character. Start walking like Jesus with skin on.. to show you are serious, and why you are serious about sex. Ephesians 5: 1-4

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving."

Outward modesty- While God is changing your inside to be more like Him, He also wants you to do a makeover on the outside. He wants the things He is doing in your heart to be reflected in how you appear to others. God wants us to appear to others not by physical appearance but by our inner appearance. 1 Peter 3:3-4 explains that.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

"Make the connection between your closet and your faith so that people can see your beliefs in action, not your navel. That will attract people's attention." -Page 77-78.

Upward devotion- I'll just quote the book here, it explains it best.

"Besides your sense of style.. you know what else is attractive? Your devotion to God. I think there is something very appealing about a guy or girl who is genuinely in love with Jesus. Someone passionately pursuing God. Someone who realizes that the missing gaps in his or her life are filled with God first- He's where they find completion. " page 78-79.

"If you want to build a lasting relationship, you will need more than great hair, a buff body, and a good tan. Those things fade quickly and are rather superficial. But when you meet a person with Upward Devotion, you realize they have substance, character and a beauty that wont perish with time. It's the kind of person you want to seek out, and it's the kind of person you want to be." Page 80

There are some deep things here in this book... but they are needed to live the life pleasing to God. It gives us examples and reassurance to continue to live out daily, IOU.

This doesn't even cover one tenth of what Chip and Tim talk about. I highly suggest going out and buying this book, or getting it from the library. I love it because it really brings out the truth of our culture today and how I personally can change it and how to glorify God in something that our cultures sees every day.

"IOU will involve some major God-honoring tactics. You many need to throw away some clothes, evaluate your outward appearance, and analyze some of your habits. But remember this: the outside should be a clear reflection of the inside-- a deep desire to please God." Page 81.

Unique but not alone.

For the longest of times I always had the thought process that I wasn't growing quickly or changing at all. 

I know I am but it sure doesn't seem like it when I compare myself to some other people. I've always felt that whatever I have been through or have done for God or what I've gotten out of doing something for Him.. it wasn't affecting me the way it should or that I'm missing something. And tonight Carlee Harrison explained me and what I feel so accurately.

"I've been blessed to have grown up in a strong christian family. I never drank, never cheated.. I've pretty much been the good girl.. except when I've been mouthy towards my family. Heh. But over all, I've strived for a more on a deeper level with God and its going good. Yes, I'm not perfect, and yes, I grow complacent but.. I'm going good. The thing is, every time there are testimonies going on and being shared, I think to myself.. '.. why I don't have a testimony?' ect ect ect. And when we had the burn service sunday to throw away the crap in our lives that get between God and us. I heard about what everyone was throwing away, and it was all this huge horrible stuff. I thought, I don't have any of that.. and since I didn't really have anything to throw away, I burned something miniscule and not important.. "

That's my heart right there. Coming out of Carlee. 

I never knew she and I were as alike as I thought. Or that anyone felt that as well. Then she went on to say the ephiphany God gave her. 

"Even though I don't have the horrible crap like some others.. God still grows me. Slowly sometimes.. but He still grows me; continually, and He is always there, when I'm complacent, joyful, sad, whatever. And He puts things in my life, through my family or friends to grow me. But I am growing as much as everyone else. Despite the testimony. My whole walk is my testimony."

I was so, I don't know if relieved is the word, but I was relieved I wasn't alone and I was shocked because someone felt the exact same thing I feel and also explained why she didn't have a testimony like others, and reminded me why I don't have one like the others as well. So I just thank God for showing me that tonight and it just really helped me realize the big important thing I've been confused about and gave me hope;

I may be unique.. but I'm not alone. 

More than me.

Sometimes you just are fed up with turning the other cheek; fed up with forgiving over and over and over again; fed up with letting everything and anything hurtful slide off your back. Sometimes you just want to scream back something and not care about that the achy feeling inside you. 

I really don't know what to say about this feeling except that it sucks. Every single time I get into an argument with my brother about whatever.. I try my hardest to go back and apologize. I don't like having a bull and red cape relationship with him.

I don't know how to fix it, or even how to ignore it when it hurts for God to fix it. I feel like it just keeps coming back worse and worse. But the thing is.. I've tried giving him his space.. It's like it didn't do squat.

Sigh.. but I know that I need to keep turning the other cheek, keep no record of his wrongs and still love him  through the hurt. It's all I can do actually.

Jesus did that for me. And I sinned. I sin. He's hurt by that more than I am hurt by my brothers hurtful words. 

One chance one choice one moment.

I'm going to be blunt.

We all had a wonderful, fantastic, breathtaking, life changing, renewing, words cannot even try to describe, time in Hotlanta. Can you agree?

BUT. I've noticed that since we've gotten back, how we are in church, cause that is the only time I see pretty much all of you, we haevn't been as passionate like we were in Georgia.

I believe Og is here. That he is in the way. That he is sucking us into his bed again. Now more than ever because we just got back from a spiritual experience where we all just fall over from the force of God's glory we felt there. 

Reggie Dabbs spoke at winter fest a few years back and one thing he said that caught my attention reminds me of Og. He stated that after ever time you get up from a fall, no matter the circumstance, after Satan kicked you down.. when you get up and knock the dirt, the hurt, the tears, the pain, off of you.. Satan is right there kicking you back down before you even breath. He wants you down. He wants us not moving.

How is that helpful?

Because when you are moving forward.. every time you get up it is harder than before. Because You are moving forward, every time you feel.. so attacked.. So dead.. you are fighting for balance. But like this quote, you can't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.. if you let  it overcome you, the topsy tervie feeling, the vertigo.. you will never win. 

If you have forgotten about Og, which hopefully you haven't.. but is mentioned in Deuteronomy He is the last of the Rephaim and has a really really big bed. It was made of iron and more than 13 feet long and 6 feet wide. 

Deuteronomy 3:11.

For those of you who weren't there.. Why a bed.. Why A BIG Bed? 

The bed equals laziness. Other adjectives are rest, contentment, sluggish, slothful, inactive, and my favorite lackadaisical.

But the word that describes the bed the most accurate is inactive. That word is pretty much self explanatory. You are not active. Not moving. 

Yes, God may tell you to wait, to be still, but that doesn't mean to be inactive.

When Mark preached the other week I heard what God was telling me. Intimidation. I am intimidated speaking up here, to all of you, with your eyes watching me. I am afraid so much right now. But I don't care because this is waht God called me to do this week. Og is intimidating. I'm not running though. I'm pushing his bed over. I'm making a difference. I'm encountering change. I'm moving forward. Like we stated we would in Georgia.

Now we ask "How"? It's summer, no school, no place to witness to our friends.

There are a ton of things we can do around here. There are families who need help. There are elderly who need help. Your neighbors need help. There are single mothers who need help. There are homless people who need help. There are kids just like those in Atlanta.. HERE.. who need help.

And we don't have to wait for Brian to plan a date at a soup kitchen to make a difference. Go there yourself and sign yourself up first! Make the move and you'll be blessed. 

Elijah ran and hid. He was intimidated by the queen. How many of you are hiding? How many of you are running? I know I wasn't doing anything until God showed me that Og was here. We released Og in Atlanta! He cannot be hre. He isn't allowed. Why have we let him come back! Even though Satan keeps knocking us down.. God still has us. We just have to keep getting up. Just keep moving forward!

And then, only then, we will reach our goal. We will reach those kids again. Will we reach our church again. We will reach our friends again. We will reach Revival.

Like this

"We are trying to get a free tee shirt. Pushing and bumping into everyone.. but we keep working. We want that tee shirt so badly. So we keep reaching and reaching.. and finally, out of all those peole, we get it."

Are you going to reach with me?

Spaghetti.

I've grown up. I've fallen down. I've fallen for someone. I've missioned. I've cried. I've grown closer to people. I've grown farther away. I've doubted. I've been brave. I've smiled. I've laughed. I've hugged. I've driven 15 hours straight. I've been asked to be in a wedding. I've killed a bee. I've sung loudly and carelessly. I've held a hand. I've prayed. I've been changed. 

I'm different. So why do I still feel like I am on a back burner?

 I told my friend that I feel like I am pot being boiled. Like my pot of water is still lukewarm and waiting to boil. And I have to be patient. It's not that patience is hard for me, it's because everything is quiet, I feel like I am being defeated. The silence is killing me. I feel like I am sitting still and not making any difference. But like the saying.. 'a watched pot never boils' so I am having a difficult time not watching my pot and just watching God. 

But sometimes you can put the noodles in beforehand and make a difference, make the noodles a little soggy, before the water boils. The thing is, I don't know if my noodles are in. I'm having a difficult time discerning my noodles in life.

If you didn't catch it, I'm the nonboiling water. And the noodles are problems or people or situations or opportunities or actions in my life. And the pot is life. God is the flame.

So I'm trying to make all this jumbled mess sense.

*Pot = life

*Water = me

*Flame = God

*Noodles = stuff

Life is different. I went on the missions trip to Atlanta, Georgia last week. Man.. God showed me, silently I may add, not meanly, just as a mater of factly, that feelings don't matter when I am worshiping Him. I choose to love and I have to choose to not let Og the giant, with a major big bed, control my life. That is difficult. 

And at the City of Refuge.. those kids. I don't know why I didn't get to know them as closely as some others. Maybe I don't know how, maybe that is a quality that I lack. Confidence and common sense. Now I am just bashing on myself.. those kids miss not just me, but everyone. I gave my number to two girls.. Brianna and Erica. Brianna has called me back. I've talked to her once so far and I miss her. More now than the day I left last week. I don't know why it hit me so much later. I know I want to mission, and I love kids and after working at the refuge, I know I want to do that forever. No matter what. I'm just a little scared if I am ready. If I did a good job. I've been told "I'm proud of you".. but I didn't do anything special. That sounds so whiny. I just feel inadequate. Most of my friends got shout outs. Now that sounds so self-centered. And it's not that I wanted one, I just feel like other people did a better job than I did. I don't know. I don't want to be better, I just wanted to make a difference and grow. 

Dear God, I pray that I grew. That something that happened that week make evidence in my life that I am different. For your glory, Amen.

Me. I guess also in GA, that I feel like I wasn't changed majorly. Like God didn't impact my life full force. But I know He did silently. Man.. I know He did. He showed me that I can worship anywhere and everywhere. That I make the difference, I just have to put the goal in my face and then set out alllll force for it. He showed me that Loving Him isn't because of the song, but because of my attitude. And more.. but all silently. Now I just want to be at peace that the state I am in, the peaceful, quiet, noiseless state I am in.. is where I am supposed to be.

God, I want His passion so bad. Dear Lord, strike a match and bring out your passion in me and my youth group. If someone leads, call me out to follow. If I am to lead, then lord.. show me to follow You. Amen.

Noodles, Hm.. Yeah. Lots of things. Too many to name. But they are there. They are God's and they are getting wet in the end and will become done soon enough. And I will be burning again.

~All the earth will sing Your praise
The moon and stars, the sun and rain
Every nation will proclaim
That You are God and You will reign~

New.

Haggai 1: 8-11

"Thus says the LORD of hosts, “Consider your ways! “Go up to the mountains, bring wood and rebuild the temple, that I may be pleased with it and be glorified,” says the LORD. “You look for much, but behold, it comes to little; when you bring it home, I blow it away. Why?” declares the LORD of hosts, “Because of My house which lies desolate, while each of you runs to his own house. “Therefore, because of you the sky has withheld its dew and the earth has withheld its produce. “I called for a drought on the land, on the mountains, on the grain, on the new wine, on the oil, on what the ground produces, on men, on cattle, and on all the labor of your hands.” 

Psalms 51:10 

"Make a clean heart in me, O God; give me a right spirit again."

This is my prayer for today.

To Be loved enough to be changed sounds odd. But when He is fixing us up to be holy.. who cares we are changing?! I am His child. Creating. Loved one. Temple. Shouldn't I want to be cleaned for Him? Isn't it worth it to be chiseled. New. Whole. Alive. Yes, it is good. God renew my spirit, make it holy again for you. Amen.

Blind.

"hey

take a step

nothing changes unless we take a step towards change

and I think God wants you to take a step

that is terrifying you

It'll be revealed today

and you're not going to see it right away

but thats what you gotta do. "

Even though I have no idea what I will not see right away. I trying to accept, trust, love, wait, praise that God is still God. I sort of feel like Peter. When God said you will deny me 3 times before the rooster crows. I feel like I'm trying to not "miss" what God wants me to do. Trying to follow God before the rooster crows. So I'm praying. For strength. For peace. For patience. For clarity. For Him. 

Then.. I have to wait, walk, and trust. Blindly.

Thought 2

Warrior is a Child- Twila Paris

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

I'm strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

Chorus:

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

(Look up for His smile)

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

(Aahhh)

Unafraid because His arrow is the best 

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

I never face retreat oh no

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

Chorus:

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

(Look up for His smile)

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

(Aahhh)

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

(Look up for His smile)

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child 

----

Good song, great lyrics. Yeah, meditate on this. It's really good. 

Feeling.

Thought 1.

Doubtful. Confused. Scared. Weary. Hurt. Blamed. Small. Hopeless. Guilty. Melancholy.

Not words you want to hear, much less feel. 

Lately I feel like I have grown  up by many years. Like I am dehydrated. Like I am walking and my feet ache. Like I have been swimming and my arms hurt. Like I have been crying and my eyes can't just seem to stay open anymore. Like I am too old to be considered a child. Like.. like I am weary of life; so much that I just want to sleep. 

These words have been haunting me since July of 2008. It's May of 2009. Ten months. 

It's not like I expect the words to go away after I talk to someone. After I cry. After I yell. After I sigh. After I sleep. After I talk to God. Those feelings are real. 100% real.. but they just aren't of God. So I rebuke them. But they come back each day. Is that supposed to be happening?

Usually, after I have a deep conversation about my relationship with my friend, these feelings come back pretty strong and most of the time I am not sure if what is being said to me is real or just accusations and not of the Lord. So I just wait. I'm being patient now because I cannot say anything back; God is being quiet so I'm not moving. In the mean time, I try not to hold grudges, I try not to judge, I try to love like He loves, I try to not worry. And with the Lord on my side.. I do all of that (Phil 4:13). But they are still human feelings that Satan can - and has been- manipulate to the point where I just fall down and weep. Literally.

So tonight, Kyle Mason preached about Trusting in God. 

And I realized, after realizing it was common sense for me to know, that those feelings aren't letting me trust God fully. Period.

I've given God the whole situation.. but I still worry about it. Does that show I trust Him? 

If I was in a car with a new driver, I am trusting them to be smart and drive carefully. If I am in a car with that same new driver and I am telling them what to do or how to drive.. it that showing I trust them?

The answer to both is 'no'.

So instead of crying, instead of an intense worship (even though the worship we had was intense in a different way), instead of telling someone my issue for prayers or for assurance I am doing the right thing (because if I was right and doing what God wanted me to.. would it really matter if I was doing the right thing in human eyes?). Yes I prayed for the situation today, yes I cried about it today, but I also worried, was scared, felt guilty and weary. So I gave it all back to God. 

I traded my sorrows, traded my shame.

I traded my sickness, traded my pain.

All for the Joy of the Lord.

I am pressed but not crushed.

Persecuted, but not abandoned.
Struck down, but not destroyed.
I am blessed beyond the curse.
For His promise will endure.
And His joy will be my strength.

Though the sorrow may last for the night.
His joy comes with the morning.

So yeah, I'm going to do this "Finally, brothers and sisters, keep your thoughts on whatever is right or deserves praise: things that are true, honorable, fair, pure, acceptable, or commendable." Philippians 4:8. 

or this will happen.. I will become and continually be Doubtful. Confused. Scared. Weary. Hurt. Blamed. Small. Hopeless. Guilty. Melancholy. Yeah, do I honestly want that or do I want the only thing that I live for.

John 15:20 Keep in mind the words I said to you, A servant is not greater than his lord. If they were cruel to me, they will be cruel to you; if they kept my words, they will keep yours.

2 Timothy 3:12 Yes, and all whose purpose is to be living in the knowledge of God in Christ Jesus, will be cruelly attacked.

BUT...

Matthew 5:10-11 How blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to them! How blessed are you whenever people insult you, persecute you, and say all sorts of evil things against you falsely because of me!

Night. :]