I'm not hurting you.

One more thing that life could throw on top of me and I know it: I'll fall off of the fine wire I am balancing on.

I can honestly say I have successfully turned my brain off for the past two weeks. So much stuff has happened and the one thing that has remained constant is God's blessings for my mission trip this summer. Throughout everything going on- not hearing or feeling God near me, the feeling of losing my best friend through our breakup, my sister losing her memory of me (its back, but not all of it), being late to work every day even though I've left on time or early, being billed and having it surprise me because I was told I did not have a copay (no matter what they say, one nurse told me I did not have one!), and then proceeding to break down in tears at the doctors office because one other nurse felt I was giving attitude because I had not previously taken time to understand my insurance.. *hint hint* therefore I was "justly" reminded I'm in the big world now and I have to pay bills.

There is no romance book right now that can successfully take me out of this reality and place me into another without being reminded of everything I once felt. There is no movie right now where a heroine (not the drug) who overcomes everything thrown at her and sees the positive in a most negative enemy, that can make me forget how human I am for not overcoming the emotions I am feeling. There is no blog that can anyone could write that will make me doubt they are not feeling like an avalanche is crumbling on top of them, at all of the things going on.

Thing after thing after thing..

I've been wanting to write for a while- but I have not felt the motivation to. I still don't as I am sitting here. But I need these thoughts out of my head!

I do not know what to do or say when it comes to my best friend and I breaking up. I am thrown up against a wall it seems. I did not feel the same things from God as he did- all I feel now and throughout the past six months was doubt that I deserved being placed or choosing a relationship where he could not promise anything. Choosing to be in a "maybe" relationship is hard on a heart- any heart- no matter how you look at it. He's been gone for one week- we have not talked for almost three; although last I heard he wanted to talk. I don't know if I can talk, if I should talk, what will happen if we do talk, what will i say, what should I say, should I say anything, can we even talk without arguing, should we talk without arguing? The reason he broke up with me, there is no room for me to argue, for me to even be angry or upset. Yet I desperately so want to. I am upset, I am angry. I am hurt.

The only thing God has told me is that HE is not hurting me. God is not hurting me. He is not out to hurt me. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So, there I go. God's not hurting me- yet I am hurt. What do i do with my hurt? Hah.. praise Him in the storm. I have all the answers already- I just want the answers to be enough to make my pain go away.

With my sister- we've been having issues for a while. Her trusting me- me trusting her. With her memory loss, it's even harder. She is irritated and I cannot say or do anything out of line or it'll hurt her. Then I'll have more than I can handle on me. So I'm stressing out treading on egg shells trying not to break too many. She came to me the other night and hugged me because she doesn't want to have issues. So far- she's the only person who has hugged me to make it better and it worked.

Work and bills and being in the big world.. man. I've been in it for two years now. When I move to Texas- I'll really be in it. So everyone just accept I know somewhat of what I am doing so don't hate me when I stumble or I'm frustrated that "life happens" and I don't like it. I'll deal with it because, guess what, yeah, I am a big girl. I work. I make money. I pay for my cell phone bill. Everything for my car. My medicine. My Dr bills. Just because the Dr Office did not tell me it would take almost 3 months until I had to pay them and then they suddenly bill me and get on my case for not understanding my insurance.. I should stand there and not let just a little bit of my frustration show? Yeah, not gonna happen. Stupid adults who think I'm not capable of having an adult conversation: which means I'm understanding and I still do what I need to but the other party allows me to express my distaste for how the insurance runs and how the doctors did not FULLY inform me of how they work.

I do that better at my job.

Now about moving- gosh it scares me so much. I haven't told anyone this because the one I want to tell doesn't want to listen. When I move out- I doubt I'll move back home. I'm fully out. I cannot come home to mom and have her help me with my issues. I cannot come home and not have to pay rent. I cannot come home and go right to bed because I'll have home work from being at school full time while working full time. I am so scared. Questions of can I handle it, should I do it, what if things get better up here and I move and I miss out on real growth in the areas above, what if I mess up to much down there, what if I get a mean boss,  what will I tell me boss up here, what if I cannot find a job, what if I fail school..? But I'm forcing these questions out of my mind. I've been deliberately not thinking of them because then I won't move. I won't get out of Maryland. I won't go to school. I won't make a life. I won't grow in the opportunity that God has in front of me.

But up first is Ecuador. I'm leaving the country in 41 days. For a month. By myself. God had three different people tell me to leave the country on a mission trip. Actually two people- one told me twice. So I decided. I took my step of faith and I applied. I started raising funds. And now I am 450$ and a domestic plane ticket  away from leaving. It is so close and I am so excited about this. It cannot come soon enough and yet I am patiently waiting because there is SO much to do until I leave. I have lists I have to make, shots to get, things to buy, and a suitcase to fill. But I am going. And I cannot go soon enough.

So here I am. Laying on my couch with my dogs because they listen and don't argue their point back, they cuddle and don't tell me i'm young and clueless about life, they care and don't change their mind, they love and it is physically here and not just words.

So, I'll get up and go to work tonight. Shut off my mind to my pain right now. I'll busy myself and hope that I am open to God's voice throughout blocking out everything else. I calm myself and hope that I'm not doing the wrong thing in just breathing instead of breathing the extra mile too. I'll do my devotion, i'll go to church, I'll write a skit for my middle schoolers, I'll take it a day at a time.. but sometimes I feel it is too late. I've done something wrong too much and too often; so I don't trust myself to it right.

I have a huge playlist of my heart too: take a listen and you'll hear what I feel. I have a feeling there is another song out there that needs to be on this list- but I haven't hear it yet.

Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
Behind these hazel eyes- Kelly Clarkson
Safe- Britt Nicole
Which to busy us or the hatchet-  Relient K
Texas Angel - Honeybrowne
Unbroken- Demi Lovato
I wont give up on us- Jason Mraz

Hysteria.

April, 20th, 2012

That is what my life has been for the past few months. Complete hysteria. I have been blessed immensely- don't get me wrong, but everything that could go wrong has seemingly gone wrong in the midst of God's blessings in my life. I have grown in many, many ways.. I have become more of who I need to be in my own identity, I have gotten out of my own shoes more and into Jesus', and I have accepted some things that I normally would not have accepted because I did not think I could handle it.

I still don't think I can handle it; I am walking on a thin wire now as it is.

This week so much has happened. I don't see myself making it through the weekend- but I have to. I have to take one more step even though my muscles are screaming out for me to stop running. My heart is telling me to stop feeling but feeling and letting my emotions run their course is the only thing that will remind me that I am human and these feelings will grow my endurance. My mind is telling me to stop thinking, but I have to keep thinking, dwelling, pondering.. because that is the only thing that will challenge me to see the impossible and believe the improbable. But its so hard. I cannot go robotic 100% of the time, yet I find myself robotic until I am all alone and able to express my thoughts and feelings completely without hurting my sister, my mom or any of my friends because of my decisions and my thoughts and my desires! Yet- this numbness feeling watching my sister forget me, my best friend fall away, my girl friend push me to embrace the suffering I am enduring, my mother deal with this pain of watching her daughter fight a fight that only she can face... Gosh, why in the world is this happening?

I have no answers. No solutions. No reasons. None.

I just keep walking- reminding myself to trust that God knows what is going on and that He has the outcome under control.

Sigh.

More?

April 14th, 2012

Anxious and nauseous.

God says to not be anxious and I know that anxiety is what is causing my nausea.

Glance after glance toward my cell phone and no response. Two days. I should not feel this way after two days. God has everything in control. Why am I so anxious and hurt? Did I place my heart in a position to be broken again?


Yes. My answer is an unequivocal yes.

But I knew that this would take time. And would not change over night. So what are my next steps? What move am I supposed to make? Am I to sit here and "patiently" wait for him to come back around? To acknowledge me and my part in his life? Or am I to make myself known and persistently remind him to be a friend? Am I to put our friendship, our relationship, in that precarious place between falling apart permanently and a brokenness we have no clue how to even salvage through awkward conversation even I do not know how to have.

I don't know if he is truly too busy for me or if I am sensing "something" that could remind me of that time.

Either way, this anxiety, I am constantly casting back onto God but I still feel this anxiousness when I do not receive back a text of acknowledgement, of an "I love you too", of "I'm still here.." It reminds me of that time where he cut out communication because he was more comfortable with that than dealing with a relationship and communication.

No response.

How will life, our relationship, our friendship... last while I am in Texas?

God I am so scared.

Walking in His shoes..

I try to do everything for God's glory- whether it is giving someone a cup of water or ringing up customers at my tedious job. I know we're told to do everything with a joyful heart too, but don't you ever think Jesus got angry and frustrated?

Aside from the fact I'm getting paid, I get so frustrated with customers who take for granted  the service I am giving them. I get so angry with them when they take for granted the gobbs and gobbs of money they spend on chocolate and soda alone; I mean who needs 40 dollars worth of chocolate and a dozen 12 packs of soda? Why are people so selfish when so many people are in debt, using credit cards, on food stamps, work multiple jobs, and are homeless.. just to survive. So I believe Jesus got frustrated too. I mean He flipped tables in the tabernacle because the Pharisees were using it to sell goods and squander money: not pray to God! I wish there were some spiritual tables I could flip within my work at the materialism and selfishness I see daily.

But then I wonder- am I the Light that God wants me to be for my coworkers and the customers that I have the pleasure to ring up? Do I have a sour face on when I see how the customer is manipulating the sales for their own gain, when I see the couponers come in with 5 inch thick binder, full of clippings of newspapers just so they can get their 150$ purchase down to a measly 1.34$? Honestly, yes. I do. I hate it when they come in because they are fighting tooth and nail to win that sale- they fight me and call me names because I refuse to take an expired coupon. Then I am afraid of being fired or written up by my district manager because I did not please the customer.

I'm also anticipating a robbery because we are a well off store, multiple stores in the surrounding Westminster area have been robbed already. I have let my imagination run off with me and if someone comes in with a gun- it'll be pointed at me. It'd be my luck. But to top it off, there are the customers and strange men that approach all the women coworkers at my job between walking from the store and our cars, in the dark, after closing. Oh there goes my imagination again.. But to top it off, there is this one customer who "offered" to help me take off my sweatshirt. In the middle of the store. With a laugh that makes my skin crawl. This is the creepiest man I have ever met. Oh how I wish I was out of retail..

Honestly it is a lot easier to be a light to my coworkers because they deal with the customers day in and day out just like me. They see the unfair attitudes and ungrateful hearts. They work just as hard or harder because they have families to provide for. But in the end, they battle with the same stresses that I do; being fired, making the wrong move, being robbed, raped, or being sexually harassed. It has actually gone a lot easier being a Light with my coworkers. I've not pushed my beliefs on them- but I've made it aware to the ones who are curious that I am willing to talk. Some ignore me, some only speak about worldly topics, and one- she is interested but so distracted to fully pursue. I've openly prayed for them, offered prayer for them, and I've tried to the best of my ability to go the extra mile for them. I can only hope and pray that Jesus' Light is shining through my dusty lens.

Outside of my job- I wonder what I do for God. What actually counts for "following Him".. whoa. Haha- I wrote that last sentence and just got bombarded with thoughts and arguments in my head that my every step counts for following Him. Every stumble. Every good thought towards someone who is usually ignored. Every smile I share. Every hello. Each one of them doesn't not count. So- moving on now. I try so hard to not "tail" people who are driving extremely slow.. I think that constitutes as following Him a little bit because most people just ride the car in front of them like crazy until you upset them. That has happened to me a lot: both on the giving and receiving end. So essentially, what you were taught in Drivers ED was true- there is such a thing as road rage.

Also- I've heard so much about Drive By Difference off of the christian radio station. When you go through a fast food drive through- when you feel the Spirit's pulling, pay for the person's meal behind you. I've done this before- and it is rewarding! I sometimes wish I worked fast food just so I could see the reaction of the person receiving a free meal. As the car comes up to the window to pay, I would say with a smile- "Oh, your meal has been paid for. Just drive up to the next window to pick it up." That is so cool. So much like Jesus. Jesus paid for us with His death- all we are told to do is accept it and pick it up and live like Him and love Him. Wouldn't you feel immensely blessed if you were blessed with a free meal? You are blessed with a free life if you are saved.

But ultimately I began writing this blog because of this girl who I met at the hospital. Normally- I would avoid her gaze and sit in a corner unless she said hello first or God literally pushed me to speak. (Both have happened.) But my wonderful best friend always seems to start conversation right when I want to avoid it. I was actually in my sisters room in the ER waiting for her to be transferred to University of Maryland Hospital in Baltimore. Nate left to go wait for me so Pastor Mike could come in and pray with my sister, me and my mom. It was about 1am when I left my sister and my mom to go drop Nate off at his house and then head home myself and I walked into the lobby and he was talking with this girl. The had a shaved head- like she maybe had chemo.. sweatpants, a shirt that was slightly too big, scars all over her arms... but the thing that caught my eye was she was holding on so tight to life even though her own seizures seemed like they were causing her to lose sight of reality.

Nate had already let her use his phone to call her dad for a ride because the hospital did exactly what it does to my sister: send her home with no answers, unwilling to help. Even though I was exhausted- I knew I didn't want to leave until her dad got there. Her name is Brittany. I found out she was my sisters age- 21, could not hold a job due to her health, she had a 2 year old kid, and everyone she met did not care.

Sometimes, walking in Jesus' shoes feel like I'm walking in a giants shoes. I am stumbling, tripping, falling, and eventually begging God to take them off so I can run barefoot because it is more comfortable.

I was fighting that thoughts that she was high, that all of the things she was telling me were lies.. I honestly still do not know. But then, I don't have to know if its all true. Jesus knows her story and in the end, she deserves to be loved like everyone else. Because that is what Jesus would do.

Brittany went in and out of consciousness; I'm not sure if it was because she was having little seizures or not- but it was like she was fighting herself to speak. Like an entire new identity- one of numbness and non-responsiveness; a lifeless personality overcame her. At times for 5 seconds or once 5 minutes.

I want to remember all of this: I never want to forget. She was in her numb state when Nate got up to use the bathroom- Brittany's dad just got there and he went to use the restroom as well. So it was just her and I. She looked at me and told me she liked my jacket. I had on a very lightweight, hot pink windbreaker. I don't know why, but I asked her if she wanted it. She said no- but I already determined to give it to her just for the sole fact that she liked it. She had a blanket and her dad was bringing her her stuff. She got up and got her stuff together and Nate came out to leave with me. She suggested us leaving because her dad was going to the the staff of the hospital hell for doing this again to his daughter. I handed Nate the things from my pocket and took off my jacket and handed her my coat. She said "No, I don't want to take you coat!". I smiled and laughed and told her I had Nate's so she shouldn't worry. I forced it in her hands. She finally accepted it. She put it on and reached for a hug and I gave her a real hug. I told her to never forget she is love. That we loved her but ultimately God loved her. She laughed cynically and said that God is the only person who loves her. I told her, no- we did too. We wished her luck- Nate left his own gift for her and we walked out of the hospital.

Half an hour.

That's the amount of time I knew her. Too short because I want to understand her- I want her to understand God's love. But it was long enough because I haven't gotten her off my mind.

Jesus shoes, I imagine them sandals and 4 times bigger than my own feet. Yet throughout the day to day tedious work I do at my job, being a Light for my coworkers, the few times I've participated in drive through difference, and meeting Brittany and leaving her with one more coat to her name and a word of God's love- I'm confident I wore them because I was stumbling, falling, and fearful I would trip because of the little steps I was taking in such big shoes. I don't know if I wore the shoes on the correct feet the whole time... I'm just thankful I didn't beg to have them taken off. I know if I didn't have them on, I wouldn't have had the courage to do the things I did. If I were barefoot- I'd probably make up excuses for fear of my feet being trodden on.

If this post had a title..

I step into the unknown, a direction that even doubt cannot quell the truth; I will be propelled forward. Though uncomfortable at first, the timid and hesitant smile slowly changed into a playful and excited grin that steals my breath from my lungs; nothing can wipe this from my face. I've accepted a journey from One whose ways are bigger and far greater than my own- moving forward is the only option if joy and love and adventure are to be with me. With this step; a realization comes- the possibilities are endless in a life lived with unwavering courage.