Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him." (Genesis 2:18) Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23)
Desiring a relationship with someone who could be your future spouse is not wrong. It is actually a part of God's plan. He desired man to be in a relationship. He said it is not good for man to be alone!
Yet God also knows, now with sin in the world, that good relationships are harder to come by. God honoring relationships. That's why God also says to guard your heart. Guarding you heart while striving for an intimate relationship is hard. Sometimes it seems even impossible. God also knows this.
God, however, has given us a way to to do both. And successfully. Not painlessly. Putting your all into another human is always painful because they will always fail you. God is the only one who will never fail us, leave us, or forsake us.
First, let us look at dating the worlds way:
Some people define dating as an act of meeting and spending time in
public, together, as a couple. Some people define it as a process to fine the
“One” because they know what they want.
Others define it as a way to figure out what they want in a
relationship. And some use the process it gives to kill time for them. Really,
you can sum up the process of dating in 4 steps.
Step 1: Find the right person. Most
cases, someone you can laugh with, someone who likes you, someone who finds you
attractive, and most importantly, someone who you find attractive and has a
personality you can tolerate.
Step 2: Fall in love. This step is one
that is shown in all of the classic romance movies. Guy takes girl out on a
date, suddenly it rains. Guy takes jacket off and places around the girl as
they race to stay dry under a tree. Sudden laughter occurs for a minute then
BAM! Girl swoons as he kisses her. Or guy is a total jerk throughout the whole
movie and at the very last scene, apologizes and they kiss and end up as a
couple. Same thing happens in each ending; the couple is obviously in love.
Step 3: Fix your hopes and dreams on this
person for your future fulfillment. Again we see this in play in all of the
movies. This is usually seen from the girls perspective, she has the wedding
planned by age 5, her bridesmaids are chosen as soon as she figures out who are
her true friends, and her husband-to-be has to be 6’3, sandy blonde hair, blue
eyes, skinny yet strong enough to literally sweep her off her feet, a
personality to keep her tied to him, and have the same hopes and dreams as
herself: a full job as a doctor/lawyer, own a house with 4 bedrooms, one cat,
one dog, and 2.5 kids; A typical American family.
Finally, Step 4: If failure occurs repeat
steps 1-3. We have seen this many times throughout movies as well. Usually
in the beginning the girl (sometimes the guy) just recently broke up with their
boyfriend because he felt she was too serious and “clingy”. Hence the plot of
the movie “I am going to be single for some time, find out who I am, and have
my girlfriends back me up!...Except she runs into Mr. Dreamy and end up falling
for him to live happily ever after.
That is
all funny, but the world’s way of dating is typical, predictable, and used throughout
middle-school, high-school, and college. There is much heartbreak, many messed
up self-esteems, a lot broken friendships, and everyone is hurt.
I have
witnessed my best girl-friend do this all throughout high school and
college. I have witnessed my own sister
do this into marriage! It is a sickly disease that has caught our young women
this generation and it is a hard bug to fight! I decided as I saw so much hurt,
before I even got to the age of having a boyfriend, that I would do dating
differently. I prayed with much power
and confidence that God could really do this in me differently and holy; and
without all the heartbreak that seen in the world, without all of the hurtful
dependency issues, without all the emotional, spiritual, and psychological
issues that come about dating and breaking up. I prayed that God would take
whatever he has in store for me, and do it His way. That is when Nathan came
into my life. When I asked God, He gave me an opportunity to do it His way.
Because Nathan was in my life, I was attracted to him, and oh my goodness, he
liked me too! I decided I needed to find a devotional, a bible based self-help
book of some sort, on how to deal with relationships. I certainly did not have
the peers to help me. So I found Sex180. It was written by two dads who stated
that they are sick of seeing all these young people getting hurt through dating
and intimate relationships, something that God intended for Good, and watch it
turn out so bad. At the beginning of the book, they too had the dating steps
1-4, but after that, they had God’s 1-4 steps written a little differently.
Step 1: Become the right person instead of
finding the right person. Becoming the right person should be our main goal.
(Psalm 145:29) Search me, O God, and know
my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive
way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. I personally find this to be
really difficult. It is hard to admit I am human, I have failed, I will fail,
and I am not perfect. To admit all this fully and offer myself up to God and
receive His full blessing means I have to constantly look at what I need to
give up to God. Which is everything! Therefore,
I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living
sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship
(Romans 12:2) God is asking me to trust in Him. God is asking me to guard
my heart from what can hurt me. Because I will get hurt! Above all
else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23) Most
of all, God is asking me to be the woman He is creating me to be so I can be
the wife, mother, teacher, mentor, helpmate, and friend that my husband
deserves.
In
becoming the right person, to worship Him and keep focused on God is the most
important thing. God is trying to teach me to humble myself and allow the
hardships to come through my life and mold me to be who I need to be. Instead
of focusing on what I want, I am focusing on what God wants to see grow in me. He
doesn’t want me to focus on who I want; He wants me to be the woman who God
will be proud of and who my future husband deserves.
By doing that,
taking those steps to set my mind on God so He can make me into the woman that
will glorify Him, God allowed my relationship with Nathan to flourish beyond
anything I could dream of. We grew so close, without getting so serious so
fast. It took two years until we started planning what our life could look like!
I also looked for a man who desired a relationship with His Heavenly Father and pursued it daily. Nathan is a great man. He loves God more than anything. He places God
first in everything. And he cherishes all women as though they are his own
sister. Through growing closer with him, I had the opportunity to do the same
things for Nate. I love God and put Him first before Nate. I cherish Nate as he
was my brother. Because he is! The bible says “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger
women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1
Timothy 5:1-2)” He is my brother. And in absolute purity, I would not be
caught doing anything unwholesome with him, or put him in a place where we
could do something unwholesome. My goodness, we realized that it is so hard to
stay pure. We are human and designed to love and be loved. But he is my
brother... unless we marry sex is out of the question. And for us, kissing was
out of the question because it put us in a place where we forgot what we are
doing with our relationship, with God. It is very important to always realize
that God will bring out the points in relationships at different times, and
physical is for marriage. “Daughters of
Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
(Song of Solomon 8:4)” We have to be very careful to not awaken what is to
be saved for marriage. Another verse that helped me stay pure was: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10”) In doing this, I placed
his needs before mine. I would do anything for him. I have slipped him a couple
dollars without his knowledge because he did not have anything for food for
school. I have told him, as he has told me that we need to back away and put
God first because we have realized we got into a pattern of forgetting to place
God first. Sometimes it is waking up at an ungodly hour to take him back to
school when I would rather be sleeping. It can be anything! But ultimately, it
is honoring him above my-self. I am a servant as Jesus serves.
Step 2: Instead of falling in love, walk in
love. This is something that nobody gets. They say “Falling in love is a
process, it takes wooing, takes chocolate, dates, and many kisses to happen! “ Yeah,
no. We can’t fall in love. Love is not something to fall into. Love is an
action. Love is a choice. Love is not a feeling, a caressing touch, a desire. Love is an action. Without showing Godly actions that you care, do you really love? If you are selfish, demanding, or self-centered, do you love? Like this
weekend’s verse, “Dear children let us
not love with words or with tongue but with actions and in truth (1 John 3:18)
This was something that I knew would take some time to actually wrap around my
mind. With watching my sister and best friend go through relationships full of
“falling in love”, I had to change my mindset that it was not a feeling.
Honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I felt it to be true. With
Nathan, it was easier to walk in love and less “new territory” because walking in love,
Christ’s love, was something I was used to. “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19) I could not grow my love towards Nate without my love
for God. Mine and Nate’s relationship was so strong that nothing of this world
can break it. I will never stop loving Nathan all because I love him with a
love that is true and everlasting. God’s love. (Matthew 18:7) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does
not boast, it is not proud.
Step 3: Instead of fixing your hopes and
dreams on a person, fix them on God and seek to please Him through it. By
fixing your hopes and dreams on a person, you set yourself up to fail yet God promises
that while man will fail you, He (God) will never leave you nor forsake you. (Hebrews
13:5) Three things that Nate and I found when we dated, what we desired to have
a steady part in our relationship, were prayer, serving others, and bible reading;
together. If not every time, we constantly try to end our phone calls with
prayer. When we know there is something in between us or we are irritable, we
pray before we continue on with our time together. We constantly open ourselves
up to God in front of the other. Prayer is very intimate with God. We are
showing everything to Him who knows all, and praying with Nate has given us the
insight into our personal lives with God. We could be praying and I, because I
would be so focused on talking with God, could say something and talk about a
fear I have been feeling, that Nate never knew about. Then Nate knew something
more specifically he can pray about. Prayer is something we made a priority
because we knew it was the only direct way we can humble ourselves, our
relationship, and our future before God. “Let
us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us
encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Heb.
10:25)”
In bible
reading, I cannot impress on how important and how fulfilling it is to read
with your best friend, about our Savior. God worked in mine and Nate’s lives so
much. We did not have much time to read the bible together, but in my own
readings and his personal readings, I have seen God align our growth similarly.
Which is astounding. I cannot wait for the day where my husband and I can study
the word together.
In
serving, Nate and I wanted to work together so badly. Mission trips,
ministries, anything. We want to work together for God to show His glory. We
did not have the opportunity though, to work together with his school but when
we did, working together was something that brought us closer on a level that
is more than intimate. It is a level where we recognize that our life here on earth
is to serve God and bring His kingdom. Whenever Nate or I fell into a trap of
laziness or unwillingness, our prayer and bible reading together has brought us
close to where either of us could, as the bible says “spur one another on toward
love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)”
By doing
those three things together, Nate and I kept God at the forefront of our
friendship. We glorified God with how we did our relationship and it will
always be a part of my testimony. “Be
imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love,
just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and
sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)”
Step 4: If failure occurs, repeat step 1-3.
Break ups happen. I went
through it with Nathan unfortunately and fortunately. I may never know if Nate
and I were supposed to be together for life like we were planning or if it was
never apart of God’s amazing plan because God says “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than
your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55).” But I know for
a fact that the two and a half years I spent with Nate, I grew abundantly. Nate
was a stepping stone that pushed me farther than I can ever imagine. By doing
my relationship with Nate this way, I saved my heart from much heartbreak when
we split. It still hurt a lot, Nate and I won’t ever have the friendship we
had. No relationship ends perfectly as it was before. It still hurts because he
was my best friend and it will continue to hurt for some time. But I am okay.
By focusing on God, becoming the right person, and because I loved Nathan with
God’s love instead of handing him my heart without considering the
consequences, I saved myself from a ton of pain. I will always love Nathan, with
God’s love, and I know that my journey with Nate brought me to a point where
this verse
“And this is my prayer: that your love
may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be
able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of
Christ. (Philippians 1:9-10)” will come true for me. My love will abound
more in knowledge and depth that my God, my future husband, and my children
will cherish and praise. “Charm is
deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the lord is to be
praised. (Proverbs 31:30)”. I also
know that within delighting in God before everything, He will grant the desires
of my heart. (Psalm 37:4 and
Psalm145:19). I never desired my relationship with Nathan to fail. I prayed
so hard that we would stay together. He was my first love. But God knows the plans for me, plans not to harm me but to prosper
me. (Jer. 29:11) But I am going to take the experience I learned, the pain
I felt, the joy I felt, and jump forward to where God is calling me.
By doing my relationship with
Nathan this way, God’s way, I followed God’s will and I will continue to live
this out, holy. “It is God’s will
that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that
each of you should learn to control his own bodyin
a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who
do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or
take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have
already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to
live a holy life. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7)”
