Please?

Somedays, all I feel I can do is breathe.

I'm working two jobs, trying to keep my car in good condition (which is a feat in itself, i do not speak car lingo), getting physically and emotionally prepared for college in the Spring. I'm constantly running too and from Westminster at least 10 times in a weeks span, and lately, three times a day. I'm burning my hard earned money as fast as the gas escapes my car. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for my car insurance each month, contribute towards the house bills, pay for college and all its supplies. I'm also starting to buy my own clothing and anything else I need health-wise. I am trying to figure out how to become healthy, physically. I don't have the energy to do anything.. but I know its because I'm not healthy.

That is only the materialistic view of my life.

My relationships are only kept up if they are extremely close to me. Anyone else, its just a 'howdy-do to you'. So, that accounts for.. what, my family and two, three others?

I'm learning how to set my priorities correctly and how to take what is good for me and drop the bad, or if I can't drop it.. learn from it. I'm learning how to bite my tongue.. but even that is difficult when I have a four year old yelling my name all the time. I'm trying to be responsible because my mother asking me to do her favors when she is swamped with being a mother, keep up my own responsibilities at home, being there for my friends when they are in need of an ear to hear them out and giving advice when asked. I'm also trying my darn well best to be understanding and supportive to my very best friend and the one whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with (which now I've committed to not speak to him for GOD knows how long).. and I feel I fail miserably at that because I'm angry and frustrated at.. well, everything.

My spiritual self.. well, that part of me feels on hold lately. My conversations with God are short and simple:

"God.. yeah, you know what. Kaybye." or if I'm up to putting emotion in it I add a scream of frustration.

I've been trying to uphold longer talks with the Man Upstairs.. but I just cannot find the words. I desire God to speak to me. Sigh.. I'm just so tried of feeling like I have to change every thought, every emotion of mine lately because it's all negative and frustrated. I know God wants me to be me and He'll guide me into who He desires me to become, but lately I just feel so selfish and annoying and rude and not who I know I can be, who He knows I am. How can anyone still love me with how I've been acting? This is NOT me.

I'm completely negative lately and I cannot stand it. I try my best to bite my tongue but that is very difficult to do. I hate having all this negativity mulling around in my spirit and I don't know how to stop it. I see all these amazing "future" promises and now all I feel is a giant wall barricading my way called "PATIENCE". Like I was running towards my future and not walking slowly? Now I need to be in a dead stop? Really? Joy in the trial? What's joy? I don't understand this joy you speak of? Peace..? Huh? I'm confused.. *Note the intense sarcasm here, yes it's directed towards you God, probably not smart, I know. But hey.. at least I'm still talking to You.*

God, I know you desire my attention, fully.. and honestly, it was slightly easier to divert it upwards after the communication has been cut off between my best friend and I, but I feel only for a few days. Gosh, this past week.. God, it's been so freaking hard! It's so difficult to change my view from 'me' to 'You' because everything is hitting me all at once and I can't feel anything. I feel all I have the strength to do is to breathe! I want to say I don't care, but that isn't true. I may feel apathetic lately on many things. But I care. I care so much that I'm exhausted. I try soo hard, but I doubt even more.

God I need You and I don't have the strength anymore for anything.

When I do let someone in on how I've been feeling, like my mom, or my sisters, or my best friend (when we were talking), I kept hearing the same darn thing. Dangit! "Seem like you need to change your view point! What's positive? What can you be thankful for? Do this.. do that... ect ect ect! Read your bible! Go to church! Have quiet time!" On top of "You need to spend more time with the family, you're always down stairs 'secluding' yourself. You always make time for this, that, and the other and you don't come and watch a movie with us? You stay down there and 'live' on facebook, you can come up for a while. You're slacking on your chores, half time time your on facebook or talking, you could be done with your chores and helping us where we need it".. List after list after list.. I feel soo much pressure and no outlet to help me! I have to provide for myself and my emotional needs and I have to come up and be expected to not 'lash out' when I'm upset because I'm being expected to do more than I've ever had?

Yes, I know.. others, some less fortunate than me, have three jobs, kids, bills upon bills.. still find time to do what I do and more. THEN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I'm almost to the point where I feel I'm just cracked and lazy and ill-equipped to live life correctly and follow God fully, to have a family, to have a future, to go to school, have a relationship when I can barely deal with everything that I already have on my plate (which is minimal compared to others and some who are even less fortunate, of course)?

I feel like I'm justifying all of my emotions and my entire being when I speak about any of this. I feel like because I'm so negative lately.. who would, in their sane ways, want to wait for me.. much less die for me.  I feel like alls I do is have a giant pity party.

I just want to cry. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. With becoming an adult, being a helpful friend always willing to lend a hand and a smile, even at three in the morning, with striving to become a wise (proverbs 31) woman, vigilant in prayer and fasting.. I can't deal with these emotions! I just want someone to give me a hug and say "It's okay, I know you'll get past this", not tell me what I 'should' do. I tired of hearing what others think about 'how' I should go to God, 'what' I should give to God. Don't you already think I've already given it to God. I really have. And I know He's taken it from me. But that doesn't stop me from having to deal with life.

Sigh.. okay, here you go. My life as of late. All open all honest. My fears, my prayers, everything you wouldn't want to know. Now its time to go to work. God, again I ask you. Please show me something today, that You are still holding me? Please?

A mind-full explosion.

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.

Grace: unmerited favor of God (God's riches at Christ's expense).

Long-suffering: having to show patience in spite of trials.

Longing: having a strong desire or dream.

Wariness: feeling or showing caution about possible dangers or problems.

Pride (self-esteem): confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self respect.

Selfishness: concerned chiefly with one's own personal state.

Responsibility: the opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions on one's own.

Future: an occurrence yet to happen.

Growth: the process of developing or maturing physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Acceptance: willingness to tolerate, endure, bear, a difficult situation.


These words have been haunting me. I making my mind ponder on each of these words when all I desire to do is to walk in comfort with the hope of a future full of promises, plans, and dreams. Each of these words are challenging me, are changing me, are pushing me, are stripping me of who I was, turning me around, pulling my strings lose and forcing me to my knees.

I am different than who I was a year ago.. and I don't know how to control myself. My thoughts, my actions, my fears are exploding and I don't know how to turn myself back to God. God is my all, but I fear He isn't even near. I fear I've walked away.. 

The Prodigal Son is a story I know well. But I don't think I left like he did.. and I don't think I am like the older son, resenting life and addicted to work. I don't know what I did.. but I fear I did something that makes God angry with me. 

But then, one of the words haunting me kicks in and an explosive chain reaction begins with the whole list.

Grace.

I wish I took notes on todays sermon.. but I didn't. But all I really need to know is that I live by grace. I forget I live by grace and I can do anything and everything to upset God and He still loves me. And still desires my attention and my worship and to love me and to be with me and to grow me.

I am reading this series, the Sword of Truth, and I'm at a part in the fifth book where there is a city an the tribe living there was called Ander. They were slow to think and quick to anger and fought each other all the time. But they have this weapon, Domnie Durtch and this weapon kept any invasion from happening. But this one time, a tribe, Haiken, came from the wilds and made it past the Ander's weapon and overtook the tribe of Ander. Instead of slaughtering the Ander, Haiken people decided to live together and grow into a great city. The Haiken were smart and wise and florished and taught the Ander. The Ander, now filled with wisdom, when famine came over the land, had the idea to trade and buy food for their starving city. The Ander became fierce and angry and captured the Haiken and changed the whole rules. The Haiken were striped of their titles and positions and Ander people became 'holy'. Haiken became sinners and could do nothing right and are a bad people. Always will be bad people and nothing can change that. Years, this went on. It became engraved in their spirits.. generation after generation.

Sadly, I feel like a Haiken. I'm a sinner and I can't do anything right. My emotions betray me and pull me into sin and not following God fully. I've been angry, I've been sad, I've chosen to sleep than pray or read my bible. I don't know the last time I read my bible.. I been selfish for thinking of myself, more oft then not. I not thinking and acting selflessly for others like I used to. I've gossiped. I've been willingly bitter. I've complained so much I fear one day everyone will just scream for me to shut up. I've been far from worshiping God.. and I don't feel I deserve God's love or anything that He has given me and most of all I don't feel God anymore. I fear the reason is my attitude. And if I don't find a way to accept 'Grace' again, It'll be engraved in my spirit and I'll become the one person everyone will resent and pity. And I'll never change.

How do I come back to that child like faith and receive that wonderful Grace? I've been there. I KNOW it is real. How do I battle this and become the person God wants me to be. Who I want to be because I am not happy with who I am. I also know I cannot do anything to change myself. God will take me as I am. Because He is in love with me, as I am. I don't see how anyone can be proud of me. I hear all this, "you are so strong.. You can do it.. I love you.. you are gonna get through this.. God has it all under control.." yet I feel so out of control I cannot breath and I can't feel God's encompassing arms. 

That is what "my" spirit tells me. 


God's spirit in me sings a different melody. 


God's spirit tells me I'm beautiful. God's spirit tells me I'm strong. God's spirit tells me I deserve greats and awesome things and that I can accomplish anything. God's spirit tells me I can stand up for myself. God's spirit tells me I have a voice. God's spirit tells me.. everything that I need to hear. 


Right now, I'm in such a thankful mood for everything that God's spirit is telling me. For everything that my loved ones tell me. I know that despite my ups and downs. I'm whole and complete in Christ. 


I'm taking that and running right now. I've been angry today, but I'm whole and complete in Christ. I've been rude today but I'm whole and complete in Christ. 


I am whole and complete in Christ. 


My mind is everywhere.. but I'm whole and completely IN Christ. 

One, Big, Massive, Impassable, Impenetrable, Enigmatic, Bubble..

I don't even know..  I'm writing in this fictional tone and I can finally picture and tangibly see what I've been feeling now. Well, sort of. But then there is so much, this could probably just be only a portion of it and this "fictional prose" can be misunderstood and then my thoughts would only be proven as insane and attached. 

Which they are neither.

I am a woman. I speak. A lot. And in riddles.. especially to myself and I never am able to decipher what I mean. So how can expect you to understand? Anyone really.. so I don't.

It makes me slightly angry to know that God knows exactly how I feel and why I feel what I do.. and I don't. I want to not have annoying stupid thoughts, emotions, ideas, fears, doubts.  

I've been crazy emotional wreck. Instead of just little things, like a few months ago, everything sets me off into an uncontrollable (for me at least) anger. I have sympathy, to the point where, guess what, I sometimes become angry and spend the rest of the night crying because I feel I don't deserve sympathy. I know a billion other people who are going through much worse than just an emotional breakdown.

I feel completely selfish because this is what I've been dealing with lately and I don't know how to get control of myself so I can be selfless, be helpful, be wise, be bold, be brave, be happy.. without being so negative because of these emotions.

My blogs have become venting instead of the thoughts God has given me. 

I haven't had one positive conversation without a major doubt on my God and myself go through my mind. 

All I feel I do is complain about why I don't know why I am not positive with my days and I know if something doesn't change.. in me.. that it'll get old. I'll become stagnant and I'll be tossed out, ignored, like stale water left out at night. Maybe that is just a 'doubt' i mentioned..

I've been careless, a little, with my money and I'm stressing out on if I'll ever learn how to manage my money well.

But mainly, what has made me angry, and angry not just because its there, I could get over that. But because I am angry it is there and I'm angry with myself for being so angry. I'm not very forgiving of myself.. I give others second chance after chance that I've been walked on as a person because, partly, I couldn't stand up for myself but really because I needed to go the extra mile. But myself? Noo.. I rarely give myself a second chance. Honestly. I'm really hard on myself. 

Anyway..

I feel there is a bubble in front of me. A big static-y, living, breathing, bubble in front of my path. And I can't get through that bubble, around that bubble, or near that bubble without an enormous static-y flux of emotion in myself and or a strong brick barrier to keep me completely away until the bubble pops. I keep trying to run away, or at least be ale to stand firm, from the emotions the bubble launches towards me. Yet the bubble is also a spinning-out-of-control vortex and sucks me back towards it. I have no control as to where I go, except towards the bubble. I break bricks from hitting the wall because of the force that propels me towards it.

When I see this bubble in my minds eye, I see a fuzzy golden-yellow light in a ten/fifteen-foot-diameter, orb, half way in the ground, so it's unmovable. It's ten/fifteen feet wide, and ten/fifteen feet tall. I can semi-see around it to know what is on the other side, yet it's so fuzzy and full of unknowing, that I know I can't even comprehend what is over there.

See, the thing is, I know what is on the other side. I was given what was on the other side. I accepted it. Grew with it, even.

But the bubble was strategically placed, right there, in my way, right now. And I know it won't pop.. yet.

This bubble, as I've explained above, has placed me in a position where I can't physically walk away, yet I cannot physically move towards it. The thing is, I do not want to walk away, even if I could. I desire what is on the other side. But I know I have to be patient. But when something is ten feet away, can you really hear any sound it makes, any at all? Can you see it, even when if its blurry? Touch it, even with a long stick, can it reach through the forcefield that pushes you away?

No.. you cannot. It's difficult to love, live, or touch anything that is being placed behind an impenetrable bubble.


.. this is where I'm stuck. 


I want to worry about what's on the other side. But all I feel I'm capable of doing, literally doing and able to handle doing, is to just hope. Just trust. That it'll be okay and one day it'll be right again.


I don't know if I'm comforted knowing that it could be similar on the other side. I want it to be better. I want it to be nicer and easier and relaxing even, on the other side. I'd rather have it hard than knowing it was worse on the other side.


Thats the truth.


So.. after writing all this out. Spending days because I've been stuck as to how to write it out, figuring out if I want the world to know any of this.. I'm exhausted. I feel I've been selfish, ignorant,.. ect. But I'm wanting to change.. I just don't know how to move. I don't know how to stand. I don't know how to think right now.. God knows how I feel. He knows what I need and right now.. I just don't know why I can't see what I need. Why I could possibly be unwilling to see it.. I don't know my thoughts. But God does. Honestly, that is how I walk each day. Knowing, even though, I'm having such a difficult time breathing while the sky is falling, that He has it. 


But maybe that's just me and I'm just being too hard on myself..

Wish list..

I wish I could know why.

I wish I had peace.

I wish I had nothing to complain about.

I wish I could know what to do.

I wish I move forward; so baldy.

I wish life didn't cost so much.

I wish everyone knew how much I really cared.

I wish I could dream.

I wish I could just cry, kick tires, scream at everything in my life that moves and makes me angry and not care.

I wish I didn't have to be on medicine.

I wish I could drive away and come back to something better.

I wish I knew how much everyone really cared.

I wish I wasn't angry.

I wish I wasn't sick.

I wish people would stop teasing me with hope and then running away.

I wish I had a moment where everything just fit right, and felt right, and was right.

I wish I wasn't cynical.

I wish I could believe you.

I wish I wasn't depressed.

I wish I could stop being snarky.

I wish people weren't so quick to tell me what to do.

I wish I could blame something tangible instead of the general excuse called 'life'.

I wish I had a voice..

I wish I had someone to just listen to me.

I wish I was smarter and in school actually doing something with my life.

I wish I didn't have to wish this..

I wish I had my best friend to hold me while I cried instead of busying myself and sucking up my emotions.

I wish people didn't judge so easily.

I wish life didn't hurt so much.

I wish I could understand how someone can leave the one they supposedly love.

I wish I could make a difference and know I'm making one.

I wish I could use words wisely and not feel like I'm talking in circles.

I wish Satan didn't have or try so hard to have a foothold in my life.

I wish I could accept commitment and know it's going to last.

I wish I didn't feel so absolutely alone. And of course everything happens to go wrong all around me when I feel this too..

I wish I heard, an actual voice from God, instead of the silence i've received. Even a sign would be nice. *hint hint*

I wish I didn't feel selfish.

I wish I could understand how people can make stupid decisions and not think that the consequences will affect them.

I wish I could just leave all this alone, but I know I can't.

I wish I knew how to be an adult.

I feel as if I'm between a cement wall and a bulldozer instead of a promising rock and a hard place; not to mention the bulldozer is full throttle.

I absolutely despise how I can be so fearful and distrustful of God. Everyone is leaving. It doesn't matter if its a 'God reason' or for stupidity. Everyone is leaving and it makes me feel even more lonely. Backing out of plans and leaving. All around me, life is tumbling down like a three year old's block tower. And the one who kicked it is giggling loudly at the turmoil. Life is at a climax right now and the music is so loud that I can't find out exactly where the danger is coming from..

I really despise that I need to have certain things proven to me now. How I've been hurt and how I don't trust my best friend promise's to be true anymore. Not because of distrust on my best friend's part, he's been nothing but impeccable and loving, but because I don't believe that I can do anything to keep commitments from breaking anymore, and leaving it in God's hands, wow.. even scarier. Even though that is what I am supposed to do. I knew that before. But, i've seen it break, and God was in it. So, my thought process; it might not even supposed to be.. even though I prayed for it and then God brought it to me.

I feel absolutely idiotic to be thinking my future so intently. Do I have it all together? Heck no! But am I being wise? Do I have a career to work and can I live life and not fear debt? Do I have money to support any thing I desire for my future? Am I thinking about how I'm going to grow as much as a toddler does between the ages 19 and 25? Am I taking into perspective that I am young and it isn't, "statistically", smart to be in a committed relationship at this age? I am so half and half on this I'm going to scream! I'm not nor have I ever been fearful of my age, yet I am so worried of fate and what it is screaming in my face every day!

I am just choosing to ignore my feelings now and not grow closer to God. I know I'll just lose everything I desire to have in doing that, but I don't have any motivation to do anything else right now.

I wish I wasn't broken..

The walls start breathing, my mind unweaving..

The butterflies are fluttering in my stomach as I type. My head is spinning, my hands tingling, and my heart beating faster than it normally dose. I feel like I have been spinning in circles. I feel like I am getting ready to jump of a cliff to go sky diving or something similarly nerve wracking. I'm freaking out. I'm scared. I'm wanting the world to freeze and my head and heart to finally breathe (for once in the past eighteen months!). I've been moving so fast, I've been doing absolutely everything, traveling by myself, stepping out of my comfort zone, giving my all, moving into an apartment, letting go friends, making big commitments, literally feeling like my other half is moving forward and yet, here is little miss me, stuck in the mud .. I feel like I've done absolutely nothing yet I can't find time for peace. I'm older, I'm much more scared than I was when I was a child. I'm wanting to run away and jump in my bed, pull the covers over my head and do literally nothing but breathe in and breathe out like I did when I was scared from a bad dream. I feel like I'm living in a bad dream and I've come to the point where I can't wake up.

I'm weary.

Is that what growing up is supposed to feel like?

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

That verse just popped up into my heart but I don't feel peace. I know I have to accept the peace God gives me.. but its hard.

I don't have a plan..

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what the day may bring forth. - Proverbs 27:1 (again just popped up).

I have no idea what to do school wise, career wise, life wise.. I desire a family, a husband and a loving relationship that brings glory to God and brings myself joy and love, but I don't know if I'll even live to tomorrow, is desiring that useless now? Am I really desiring it to bring glory to God or is it for my own happiness.. no, I know that's not true, yes I want to be happy, but I live for God. I know that. I know I have to take each day as it comes, but.. right now, my feelings are so overwhelming to my spirit, I can't even think about the next second of my life. I don't know if I'll even have the next breath to type this next word. Each beat of my heart is a blessing, yet I feel so unworthy.. that its beginning to hinder my joy.

I live life only because God gives me life. That is what I'm feeling and realizing right now. Everything. EVERY single thing. Nathan, my parents, my friends, food, my apartment, air conditioning, internet, a cell phone, a car, a job, a family, a loving church, my health, a constant opportunity to witness, are all blessings and promises that God gave me. None of it is mine. None of it is from my own hard work. I live in such a positive and stable situation all because of God. I could easily be in the city, in a third-world country living on the side of the road with no food, no shelter, no hope, no family, no love.. nothing. I am extremely blessed. I have opportunities to learn, to sing, to dance, to grow, to be.. all for God. And I have things to be thankful for. And I am really thankful for them too.. but where am I going with all this blessing, all this hope and joy? How am I sharing it with others? How am I being useful and tactful with my time and my money and my stuff?

I can think of a few things, the bare minimum in my opinion (you'll have to judge if I'm looking down on myself).. I could easily do more. But then there is an issue that I have to face, that I know is keeping me from doing the 'more'.

Fear.

I am sooo fearful. I realize that is what is keeping me from moving forward. More specifically.. fear of making a wrong decision. But I know that fear is silly. I'm going to make wrong decisions.. but fear still keeps me from going forward. I absolutely loveeeee, love, LOVE! this quote from a movie I've recently watched. This graduation speech is what I feel concerning my future, career wise, -

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Out answers were things like, astronauts, president.. or in my case, a princess. When we were ten, they asked again. We answered, a rock star, cowboy, or in my case, a gold medalist. But now that we're grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this. Who the hell knows? This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; this is a time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love.. a lot. Major in philosophy, because there's no way to make a career out of that. Change you mind, and change it again, because nothings permanent. So, make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask us what we want to be, we wont have to guess.. we'll know."

Yeah.. that pretty much sums it up. That is what I want to live by (other than the Jesus, obviously) because, I don't need to know every step I'll take. I'll make mistakes, but its okay. God isn't calling me to be perfect. He's calling me to worship Him. To live for Him. To love life, tell others about Him and His love, to live like its my last day on earth and to hope for the future (which, yes, it could be any day that I'm called home to Heaven). So making mistakes and changing my mind and being my own person ( for God).. that is honorable, that is holy, that is something to look towards and accept as it is. Not this jittery feeling. That nervousness will pass away one day.. but my hope for God and for a better life, is permanent.

So yeah, I'm human. I'll mess up. But God'll deal with it.. because I sure as heck can't.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and when you seek me you will find me. " - Jeremiah 29:11-13.

Thinking and hopefully relaxing.

Over the past.. who knows how long.. few weeks at least. I've been thinking a lot. A lot about myself. No conclusion.. but I don't really want one cause I know I wouldn't like it. But that is why I love this song that I put in here.. but what I want to just spill right now is about my fear.

And a little side note: I kinda ultimately wrote this because I wasn't sure how else to say it. I don't even know if I really want to say any of it.. but I guess my deep meaning is an apology for my negativity lately. If its been too much I'm sorry. So I guess the next paragraph seems fitting. Hah.

I feel fear about a lot of things. But mostly, my fear is about my security in who I am. I know I am whole and completely in Christ. No doubt that I can't squelch there. I'm doubtful and insecure of what I do. I fear I speak worry too much to my close friends. I know the right thing overall.. but I stress until I accept the peace from God that He's given me. So I stress and I freak and I cry and I just.. scream! my worry until I realize its all tiny compared to my God.

(new thought) Sigh, I don't ever want to be stuck feeling obligated for my friends. I want to want to be their friend and love being with them. But when a few of my friends are so negative, I feel can't be in that friendship everyday like I used to be. Sigh.. but then lately I feel as if I haven't been with any of my negative friends at all. Like I've ditched them. And I feel selfish. I just hope that everyone realizes I'm not negative all the time.. and I'm not ditching anyone. I just wan to want to be with them. NO more obligations. Other than to my own family. That is why I am so glad God gave me some amazing friends who are positive when I need positivity and when they are down.. I can be positive for them. I love balance in this area of life.. and I thank God for it when I do have it. Only when I feel tired and when I've had enough of negativity. Which has been a lot lately. But I'm going to hope that they do. I know they do. My friends know me.. so they know when I am really stressed and when I'm happy. Sigh. I will believe it.

I want to live like that rascal flatts song when the sand runs out.

"I spent the morning at an old friend's grave
Flowers and Amazing Grace, he was a good man
He spent his whole life spinnin' his wheels
Never knowin' how the real thing feels
He never took a chance or took the time to dance
And I stood there thinking as I said goodbye
Today is the first day of the rest of my life

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out

'Cause people do it everyday
Promise themselves they're gonna change
I've been there, but I'm changin' from the inside out

That was then and this is now
I'm a new man, yeah, I'm a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they'll write these words
"Here lies a man who lived life for all that its worth"

And as the cold wind blows across the graveyard
I think I hear the voice of my old friend whisper in my ear

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out"

But doing this.. it looks soo easy, seems soo easy to do. But it's so much more difficult doing. I know it will be. :/

But I'm going to do it. I will. I want my grave stone to say that I lived life to its fullest, and ultimately all for God.

Protection from Demons

I got this five day devotion from my bible, I really like it. I was spurred on to read and write these down for the small group my mother is teaching this semester at my home church, Westminster Church of God. It's based off a book written by Chip Ingram. I absolute love this book because it came to me when I needed it most. Now I am hiding what I read in my heart by going deeper into the book. Anywayyy, this particular week long devo is about protection from demons and how we have the power to overcome them. Because Grater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. Ameennn!

Protection from the Devil and Demons

Day one: The promise Job 1:1-2:13

GOD’S INVISIBLE FENCE

Imagine you’re out for your daily jog in your neighborhood when a huge black and tan dog – teeth bared, ears back, haunches flexed—comes racing toward you off the porch of a house. You break into a sprint and prepare for the impact—but it never comes. Two feet before the curb, the four legged meat processor screeches to a stop. An “invisible fence” –wires buried along the perimeter of the yard that signal and electric shock though a receiver on the dog’s collar—has saved your day, and perhaps a good portion of the skin on your right leg.

The invisible fencing that defines a dog’s freedom in a yard is a picture of the limits that God puts on Satan’s activity in our world. When we read verses in the Bible like John 5:19 and 1 Peter 5:8, we might conclude that Satan is like an unleashed dog, free to roam and attack at will.

But another portion of Scripture helps us to get a more complete picture. In Job chapters 1 and 2 we read of Satan’s attempts to induce this righteous man to blaspheme God. God wanted to demonstrate to Satan that Job would remain righteous even under the most severe test, and so he gave Satan permission to attack him—but within well-defined limits.

First, Satan was allowed to attack only Job’s children and his property. When Job remained righteous, God expanded Satan’s boundaries to include Job’s person and his health, though not his life. IN all this, however “Job did not sin”. The point is clear: Satan does have power in the earth and he does roam on the earth with evil intent. But he is never free to destroy at will; he is always constrained by God’s hand.

Children of God should not live in fear of Satan. He is not a free agent roaming the universe like a vicious dog escaped from his leash. He is our adversary, to be sure. But while his bark is intimidating, his bite is constrained by the invisible fence of God’s perfect purpose.

God’s Promise

“Those who fear Me have no reason at all

to fear the devil.”

Proverbs 16:6

Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for;

through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil.

Broken.

How did things become so bad so fast? How did something so innocent become one of the worst things I have done? Why are things becoming so conflicted so easily? Its like a fishing net.. all twisted and knotted just because that stupid boat that floated above it didn't realize it was over a net.. so that when the oar went down.. the net ripped. Instantly tangled.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to act. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what information I can give to anyone anymore. I'm sick and tired of wanting to cry! I'm sick and tired of crying! I am exhausted and everything keeps blowing up in my face! My relationship blows up with my best friend, another becomes a blessing with my close guy friend. That becomes iffy for a while. Then the blown up relationship is fixed and then my relationship with my mom becomes strangled. My close guy friend and I are good again then it is fixed between my mother and I, now my brother and I are choking?! Not to mention my sister, my brother in law, my father, and my other best friend.

GOD! Will you just quit letting this affect everyone who I care the most about? Why do I feel everything is my fault and I have to fix it! I don't know how to balance my life and stay sane. I don't know who I can trust other than you. I don't know what to say anymore.

I feel so lost. Can you stop the world, I need You.

Meaningful

I've been trying to write a blog since two days after my last.. but every single time I bring up this empty page to record my own thoughts into words. I become a blank. I can't think of where to start or what to write. Should I write my feelings down? Or should I put up something purposefully uplifting about what God is doing in my life? Should I put up my past experiences of conflicts and how the product was better than the process? Or should I just write to write? A story, a poem, a lyric, a paragraph, or just a word.. what I put down, I'm putting down to be recorded. Yeah, sure, I can delete it or not even post it. But what if I do post it? Once I push 'publish post', someone could come by in a second, read it and I could then change my mind and proceed to delete it. But that one person will have what's in my thoughts, my emotions, my heart, my soul.. in their mind.

I want what I put down to be meaningful. That is why I don't post often. But, there are time I really want to post (like now), but I can't put pen to paper.

Last night, I was fed up with feeling.. lazy, for lack of a better word. I was tired of just being. I want to know that my thoughts and actions aren't just being done in a selfish, vain, attempt to get the easy way out of troubles or problems that come my way.

I put on my mom's warm coat. Went outside in the snow. Lied down and looked up with my eyes closed and just worshiped. I was listening to music all day, but I needed God. I wasn't putting myself into his presence every moment of every day. Some would say, "You're human". Yeah, I know I am.. but I can do better than I have been. I know I can. So I sang. I sang whatever was in my heart and I wrote something. I was pretty excited cause I haven't done that in a long while. And today, I think I realize why. Maybe.. I'm not all too sure yet. But after I wrote what I did.. I posted it. It was great. But my thoughts weren't on the lyrics to God.. they were on "I wonder if someone would think this is good enough to be lyrics?". That isn't how it goes. EVER.

I'm truly sorry my thoughts were like that and I'm going to strive to be better, more meaningful..

So until next time, friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvrchCC2H7k&NR=1

God taught me..

When I look at life from time to time, I begin to realize it goes by so quickly. Truly as it is said in James 4:14 "How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like a vapor- its here for a little while, then gone."

It is 2010.

I started this blog/what's on my heart/ journal in March of 2009.

It has almost been a whole year. A whole year since I started back into my youth group and drama team. I whole year since I turned sixteen. A whole year since I graduated high school. A whole year since I started talking to my close friend, NP. I am a whole year older. A whole year closer to the time I leave for my eternal home.

A whole year.

I can't even imagine it, but I can. I have to. It is almost already February.. soon I'll be getting a job, going to college, getting a car, my license. I'm growing up and I'm gaining responsibility. Learning how to manage money, time, relationships.. my laundry. :p But really.

I don't want to forget how much God taught me. Who God used to teach me. And my, not resolution, but my promise to myself, for this year.

So, I'm gonna write about what God has given me in the past year and this already passed month in 2010.

God taught me He loves me. - How He Loves by Kim Walker.

God taught me to stand up for myself.

God taught me that peace is trusting in Him not in the facts.

God taught me to let go to receive His blessings.

God taught me that the people who are supposed to be in my life, will be, because they let HIM use them.

God taught me that family is everything (aside from Him).

God taught me that my mother is my best friend until I marry.

God taught me that life is over quickly.

God taught me to live in the moment.

God taught me to not worry.

God taught me to speak and claim, in His name.

God taught me to believe in the power He's given me.

God taught me that my church is my family.

God taught me to pray.

God taught me to have faith.

God taught me so much.. and He's still teaching me. There is so much that I don't know. So much that I forget. So much that I want to know still.

So this year, actually starting on December 25th 2009, I decided to memorize a bible verse a week. I have. I have done 4 so far seeing as it has been 4 weeks.. but I've got them. They are in my heart for when I need them. And these 4 verses are what I need to remember right now.

Behold, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy and nothing will injure you. Luke 10:19.

Those who have their mind set on you, you keep completely whole and steady on their feet because they keep at it and don't quit. Keep at it and don't quit, for in the Lord God you have a sure thing. Isaiah 26:3-5

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

The Lord can be trusted for new mercies each morning. Deep in my heart I say the Lord is all I need; you can depend on Him. Lamentations 3: 22-24.

These are my verses so far. They are His light in me for when the world is dark. Thank you God, for continuing to teach me and showing me you are with me.

Memory verse for this week: Do not fear for I am with you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you in my Righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

No longer confused.

I can say so much about how i have been so confused in the past. Well.. no longer. Confusion is not of the Lord and I rebuke it in the Name of Jesus.

All my relationships will be and will always be be founded on Jesus and if it is not, I know it will fail. I won't let it happen again. I'm tired of hurting people and I'm tired of being hurt. I know it's a part of life but if God is founded at the base of all my relationships it won't be so bad.

I will make mistakes, but I'm not longer confused. Everything is in God's hands and everything will stay there.

Amen.