This doesn't have a title..

I don't know where to start or what to start with. All I want to do in this moment is cry and cry hard. Eat some mint chocolate chip ice cream and cry again. I have made a million changes in the past year.. none of them I regret but suddenly the repercussions are hitting me and all I feel I can do is suck in and barely exhale. I'm overwhelmed by everything and I so desperately want control but I don't have it. I can't have it. I just want to be okay. Only time can heal this mess I am right now..

I'll wrap up a little bit of what I've done. A lot of it I'm still not fully accepting but it's hitting me nonetheless.

I went out of the country, to Ecuador with 25 amazing people, and I let go of a lot things that I took responsibility for that was not my burden to carry. I grew so much and realized I am crazy hard on myself. I came back with a fear and excitement of what was to come.

When I got home, it was difficult transitioning into life with the routines I gained over the summer. But I managed knowing full well that God has me. But I was thrown some realizations that I was not expecting to run into.

Six weeks after I got home, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years because I am not in love with him anymore, and with full knowledge that we won't get back together again. I gave my boss my 2 weeks, said my farewells to my parents and siblings, and I moved halfway across the country so I can eventually go to school.

I live with my older brother now and his two dogs, trying to find my place in a town I am not used to but strangely feel at home in. I am surrounded by new friends and old memories of everything I once had. I'm mourning everything that I was once so stubbornly for sure about; yet I am reminded I am making for myself a person. A new person. God has wrecked my world and in such a way I know I can only be more beautiful and I'm excited. Yet right now I am in pain. I hurt. I'm scared. I feel alone. I don't know how I can do this. And I miss, I miss.. I honestly don't know if I miss anything.  I miss the wonderful memories I have but I know I have a better life here because this is where God wants me.

I look at Facebook daily; I'm keeping in contact with my family and my coworker and my best girl friends... but everything else just honestly makes me sick. Sick in my soul and I feel bitter because I am not apart of what I held so dearly. I don't want to be bitter. I'm angry that I'm bitter.

This is where I stand. I have no ice cream, I'm crying, and I'm bitter. Tomorrow- I'll get up and live in the present. I'll make new memories and let the old pass away as God brings in the new. Tonight I'm caving in. I've been holding it in for so long but I don't care, it's coming out.

Transitions and purpose.

Heat, flash thunderstorms, faster lanes, Mexican food, homegroup, volleyball, mosquito bites, late nights, true worship, sincerity...... Lack of focus. I am surrounded by all of these things; God's hand is so evident in my move to TX. I know I am supposed to be here fore a reason. To grow, to live, most of all to become the woman of God He has designed that only experience can mold me into.

What I haven't forced myself to do is get up early to run and have my quiet time. I need that habitual routine in my life; that constant reminder of His love and purpose for my life. His promises continuously falling into my spirit so that my actions of daily life are only a little bit of what His love is truly doing in me.

Half of my summer was that- consistent in His love and I couldn't get enough. Moving down south to Bryan, Texas I feel the heat. My soul is parched for more of Him and I feel so weak to even turn on the water. That is why I am so grateful that He is so faithful and pusposeful in where He places me in life. The homegroup I found is not from the church I saw online. A friend of mine, her cousin lives down here and she invited me to her homegroup to get connected. I fell in love. They are all so sincere about their walk with Christ and their actions and speech exude that with a profound everything. I am in awe of how much God is taking care of me in my anxiety and scattered brain thoughts.

Especially with saying goodbye to my parents. That was hard. I am still shocked I am living in TX. I am 26 hours away from my mother and father. They are what I really miss back in MD. Everything else- they are only a shadow of my feelings. It's my secure family- the knowledge I am always welcome back home no matter what I did or did not do. The faith they had in me- they still have in me halfway across the country. It's overwhelming I cannot crawl back in to their bed and cover up when I am scared or sad or overwhelmed. All I have is my bed. And my new friends Ali, Carly, Jess, and Stacey. But I will always admit there is nothing like your parents bed- the comfort and secure feeling you get when you hide away from life.

But I am here. Trying not to freak out I do not have a job. Trying not to freak out I have $500 worth of debt in my credit card and an almost $200 doctors bill. I want that paid off now so I can start raising some money for school.

Ah.. yes. The reason I wanted to come here. To go to school.  I cannot wait til Fall of next year. I want to study so badly. I want to get my degree. I want to learn. I want to be able to use what God has given me for His glory. I wish I were in school now- I wish it would all be paid off before I even attend so I don't have to worry about student loans or anything. I just want to learn! Sigh.. it is such a hunger in my soul. Both for His word and the written word of our culture and the surrounding cultures. Being stuck working is a pain.

But I am where I am right now for a reason- God will get me to school. It will be paid for and I will be growing and moving in the direction He has for me. I just pray I embrace the future transitions as well I have for this big one of moving out for the first time. I know with Christ I can. I just pray my focus stays on Him. Nothing else. It's so hard though.. especially with all these cute boys around. ;) Haha.. sigh.

I am thankful that God is teaching me patience. I honestly am. When I am ready for a relationship of that stature, it'll be here. As of right now. I'm fighting to be content with the hand I am delt. His love alone. With that I am content. I am secure.

Behind these hazel eyes..

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Which to bury- us or the hatchet?

I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
The memories that you select
You keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for naught

[chorus:]
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
'cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
You know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
'cause you took this too far

what happened to us
I heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

I'm not hurting you.

One more thing that life could throw on top of me and I know it: I'll fall off of the fine wire I am balancing on.

I can honestly say I have successfully turned my brain off for the past two weeks. So much stuff has happened and the one thing that has remained constant is God's blessings for my mission trip this summer. Throughout everything going on- not hearing or feeling God near me, the feeling of losing my best friend through our breakup, my sister losing her memory of me (its back, but not all of it), being late to work every day even though I've left on time or early, being billed and having it surprise me because I was told I did not have a copay (no matter what they say, one nurse told me I did not have one!), and then proceeding to break down in tears at the doctors office because one other nurse felt I was giving attitude because I had not previously taken time to understand my insurance.. *hint hint* therefore I was "justly" reminded I'm in the big world now and I have to pay bills.

There is no romance book right now that can successfully take me out of this reality and place me into another without being reminded of everything I once felt. There is no movie right now where a heroine (not the drug) who overcomes everything thrown at her and sees the positive in a most negative enemy, that can make me forget how human I am for not overcoming the emotions I am feeling. There is no blog that can anyone could write that will make me doubt they are not feeling like an avalanche is crumbling on top of them, at all of the things going on.

Thing after thing after thing..

I've been wanting to write for a while- but I have not felt the motivation to. I still don't as I am sitting here. But I need these thoughts out of my head!

I do not know what to do or say when it comes to my best friend and I breaking up. I am thrown up against a wall it seems. I did not feel the same things from God as he did- all I feel now and throughout the past six months was doubt that I deserved being placed or choosing a relationship where he could not promise anything. Choosing to be in a "maybe" relationship is hard on a heart- any heart- no matter how you look at it. He's been gone for one week- we have not talked for almost three; although last I heard he wanted to talk. I don't know if I can talk, if I should talk, what will happen if we do talk, what will i say, what should I say, should I say anything, can we even talk without arguing, should we talk without arguing? The reason he broke up with me, there is no room for me to argue, for me to even be angry or upset. Yet I desperately so want to. I am upset, I am angry. I am hurt.

The only thing God has told me is that HE is not hurting me. God is not hurting me. He is not out to hurt me. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So, there I go. God's not hurting me- yet I am hurt. What do i do with my hurt? Hah.. praise Him in the storm. I have all the answers already- I just want the answers to be enough to make my pain go away.

With my sister- we've been having issues for a while. Her trusting me- me trusting her. With her memory loss, it's even harder. She is irritated and I cannot say or do anything out of line or it'll hurt her. Then I'll have more than I can handle on me. So I'm stressing out treading on egg shells trying not to break too many. She came to me the other night and hugged me because she doesn't want to have issues. So far- she's the only person who has hugged me to make it better and it worked.

Work and bills and being in the big world.. man. I've been in it for two years now. When I move to Texas- I'll really be in it. So everyone just accept I know somewhat of what I am doing so don't hate me when I stumble or I'm frustrated that "life happens" and I don't like it. I'll deal with it because, guess what, yeah, I am a big girl. I work. I make money. I pay for my cell phone bill. Everything for my car. My medicine. My Dr bills. Just because the Dr Office did not tell me it would take almost 3 months until I had to pay them and then they suddenly bill me and get on my case for not understanding my insurance.. I should stand there and not let just a little bit of my frustration show? Yeah, not gonna happen. Stupid adults who think I'm not capable of having an adult conversation: which means I'm understanding and I still do what I need to but the other party allows me to express my distaste for how the insurance runs and how the doctors did not FULLY inform me of how they work.

I do that better at my job.

Now about moving- gosh it scares me so much. I haven't told anyone this because the one I want to tell doesn't want to listen. When I move out- I doubt I'll move back home. I'm fully out. I cannot come home to mom and have her help me with my issues. I cannot come home and not have to pay rent. I cannot come home and go right to bed because I'll have home work from being at school full time while working full time. I am so scared. Questions of can I handle it, should I do it, what if things get better up here and I move and I miss out on real growth in the areas above, what if I mess up to much down there, what if I get a mean boss,  what will I tell me boss up here, what if I cannot find a job, what if I fail school..? But I'm forcing these questions out of my mind. I've been deliberately not thinking of them because then I won't move. I won't get out of Maryland. I won't go to school. I won't make a life. I won't grow in the opportunity that God has in front of me.

But up first is Ecuador. I'm leaving the country in 41 days. For a month. By myself. God had three different people tell me to leave the country on a mission trip. Actually two people- one told me twice. So I decided. I took my step of faith and I applied. I started raising funds. And now I am 450$ and a domestic plane ticket  away from leaving. It is so close and I am so excited about this. It cannot come soon enough and yet I am patiently waiting because there is SO much to do until I leave. I have lists I have to make, shots to get, things to buy, and a suitcase to fill. But I am going. And I cannot go soon enough.

So here I am. Laying on my couch with my dogs because they listen and don't argue their point back, they cuddle and don't tell me i'm young and clueless about life, they care and don't change their mind, they love and it is physically here and not just words.

So, I'll get up and go to work tonight. Shut off my mind to my pain right now. I'll busy myself and hope that I am open to God's voice throughout blocking out everything else. I calm myself and hope that I'm not doing the wrong thing in just breathing instead of breathing the extra mile too. I'll do my devotion, i'll go to church, I'll write a skit for my middle schoolers, I'll take it a day at a time.. but sometimes I feel it is too late. I've done something wrong too much and too often; so I don't trust myself to it right.

I have a huge playlist of my heart too: take a listen and you'll hear what I feel. I have a feeling there is another song out there that needs to be on this list- but I haven't hear it yet.

Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
Behind these hazel eyes- Kelly Clarkson
Safe- Britt Nicole
Which to busy us or the hatchet-  Relient K
Texas Angel - Honeybrowne
Unbroken- Demi Lovato
I wont give up on us- Jason Mraz